JensSis

ARGGHH!! I just want to scream at the top of my lungs today! My sis in law is now out of rehab and as far as staying clean, so far so good, which is one good thing, but I don't think, no scratch that, I know, she has NO IDEA how bad she was and refuses to believe that she has hurt anyone with her addiction.
As I've said before, I tried all I could to help her and once I realized that it was a cycle and my life was becoming unmanagable because I was taking care of her, I had to stop talking to her and sent a letter explaining why. I tried being supportive and sent letters and cards while she was in rehab offering encouragement and telling her I was proud of her, you know the drill...
So, her mom was coming over for a BBQ the other day and I kept hearing that my sis was afraid of seeing us, so I sent a text inviting her and telling her that we have no judgements and it would be great to see her..
Well, her mom came without her and said it was because she was still so hurt by me and hasn't forgiven me yet!? I almost laughed at the nerve!! She says that she never did naything other than be helpful at my house and has never behaved badly, but when she needed me I wouldn't answer the phone after all she did for us!!! This coming from the person who I'd cancel plans to help her deal with her constant crisis's and breakdowns and she'd get high with her boyfriend and never show up... she'd show up hours late if at all for all of the kids parties or dinners or anything we had planned with her, but she swears that I'm making it all up and she was there for everything?! Now she's mad at me and I hurt her? What the hell?
I did say in the first letter that I had pretty much put my life on hold and put her first to help her out, but I also said that I knew it was my choice and that I did not see it as a burden until I realized it was a cycle... now she's acting like I said that we never wanted her here and she feels like the whole relationship was fake and if I didn't wante her around I shouldn't have invited her, she was "never intrusive and was always helpful and well behaved" here...
I'm sorry for ranting like this, I just can't believe that after everything I've put up with and done for her, this is the thanks I get, a slap in the face and I become the bad guy. The thing is, I don't even need an apology from her, as far as I was concerned, it was done while she was sick and we can work from here, but now that I know she doesn't even think she did anything wrong, I don't know if I can move past that. I'm so angry that she is blaming me for the demise of our relationship and her not being around for my kids. I wasn't angry with her brfore, just worried and sad, but now I'm so hurt and angry that I want to just spit!! Anyone go through anything like this with their addicted loved ones before?

sojourner

Jensis: I see you are new to the site, and i think you might be new to the world of recovery.

May i suggest you try Alanon or Naranon. Those are great places to vent your frustrations so that you can keep quiet around your family and thereby not keep the drama going. So that means you would be going alone and not taking family with you to sit at the tables. Also read, read, read on what chemicals do to a person's brain and how long it takes that brain to recover.

Can you see that your verbalizing to people in the family keeps the whole thing going?

Keep coming back here and venting also. This is a great place to hang around. I'm sure others will be coming by to have good suggestions and/or support for you....

Chino

That is a very good suggestion. My daughter went to rehab a little over a year ago, and I've discovered all sorts of things about her memories. There are things she has zero memory of or they sent me through the looking glass.

Most of it happened while she was wasted and she's said that. It took a while before she could say that to me but by then I didn't need to hear it. I read everything I could on it, talked to doctors, went to the family sessions at rehab, found a great therapist, started working the steps. I learned how to let it go and why it was the best thing I could do for ME. Her memories are hers to own and so are mine. We have different perspectives of the past, and even the present! based on our individual personalities and realities.

We shared the most important stuff at rehab, surrounded by other recovering addicts and therapists, counselors. Looking back, it was about establishing boundaries and respecting them.

outtolunch

You have no control over her or anyone's perceptions or words. You can however, choose to not participate in conversations that upset you. In other words, you have the power within you to end the drama.

Seren

(((Sis))) I'm sorry that what your SIL says is so painful. It will take some time before the changes to her brain chemistry are normalized now that she is clean. You know the truth and can hold onto that even if she may never "see it your way".

Perhaps you can talk to your MIL to let her know that you cannot talk about her right now because it is too painful.

I hope things will improve very soon! Hugs, HG

Freedom1990

The higher my expectations of others, the lower my serenity.

Rehab is a drop in the bucket compared to a potential lifetime of recovery. For me, the most difficult amends to make were the ones to the people I hurt the most, namely family members.

It took a long time for me to even be able to offer amends after I got clean/sober.

Chino

Freedom, it took me a long time to offer amends and I don't have the disease.

SoberAndy

Making amends are a major part of the 12 steps. If she can't see what she's done and is wallowing in self-pity, she is not really in recovery. At best she is a dry drunk and dry drunks often turn into wet ones. You can't control that. All you can do is work on your own codependent recovery.

ventuhome

Big Hugs Jensis ((((Jensis))))!!!! Yeah, been there, done that - EXACTLY. My sis-in-law says terrible stuff about me and other members of the family. Blames us for her addiction, trying to steal from her etc. 2 weeks sober and she is yelling and screaming at us. 4 weeks sober, and she's starting (JUST starting) to make sense. Your SIL is still recovering, and still has a lot of addict thinking "Its not my fault - I didn't do anything wrong - other people are causing these problems - blah blah blah". Figuring this out and making amends is one of the 12 steps of NA. SHe's not there yet. Its too bad her mom isnt studying the 12 steps. Its good for you to come here and read the posts, even if they are about a son/daughter or husband. You get to see a wide range of addict behavior and get a feel for what active addicts do (Lie, blame others, etc). Ok YOU know you did the right thing, even if she and MIL dont. Stand your ground and dont apologize to her. Dont bring her up to your husband or MIL either. Focus more on your nuclear family, plan for good stuff for them, and turn the drama aside for now. You can PM me anytime.

JensSis

Thanks everyone. Even though I know she's entitled to her opiniion, it still gets me mad that I'm getting the blame for this, I just can't wrap my head around how people can so easily absolve themselves of responsibility and blame others for EVERYTHING. I know that I did have a part and I of course know that I am in no way perfect. I'll accept my own part in the situation and from now on I won't be saying or doing anything at all that has anything to do with her to the family, but I refuse to accept the share of responsibility that she is putting on me. I know that anything that I said or did was a direct response to what her actions were and how they affected my family. I just don't think that I should have to , nor am I willing to apologize for not answering phone calls that were to help calm her down out of a drug induced rage or to deal with the crises that she had constantly. I did what I had to do for my own sanity and I am not going to appologize for that.

SoberAndy

It's hard not to feel hurt when they do stuff like this. All you can do is read the Al Anon books and try to put this all in perspective and get past the hurt.

I don't know your situation, but I suspect that you had very little part in this. None of us are perfect. We all make mistakes. Her addiction put her friends and family in a very difficult situation. If you made mistakes due to that, well, she created that situation through her own bad decisions.

Did she ask you to rescue her and did you refuse? You did the right thing.

Faith444

I am kicking my addict partner out of our apartment this week. She is saying this is a sign that I don't love her, and saying that, "It's always your way." It hurts to be accused of not loving her. I'm sorry your loved one is blaming and throwing anger at you. It's good to learn (which I have learned here) what addicts do- all the same B.S.- blaming others. And as someone else mentioned, during our most painful moments with them, they were effed up, and can't even remember it.