Need to clear my head and find some advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 1
Need to clear my head and find some advice
Well I don't know where to start...
I'm 22 years old, only child living at home with my two parents.
They've been married upwards of 25 years now, but only now have I really realised the issues they have between them.
I haven't been on civil terms with my father for at least the last 10 years, I can remember when I was 12 (admittedly in my Spoiled Bitchy Brat stage) I had the biggest row with him that I'd ever had. Since then, he seems to find some kind of pleasure in doing petty things or starting useless arguments just to get me worked up, so he's able to have a go at me for being 'disrespectful'. He seems to hold some kind of grudge against me, but I have absolutely no idea what for. The thing I hear most from him when we argue is how much I hate him, and that he's sick of me constantly wanting to argue with him. If I stay and be quiet, I'm 'ignoring' him, if I walk out of the room, I'm being rude and/or running away from the situation. There's no way to avoid getting him upset, and so there's no way to avoid getting myself upset.
It's was only a few months ago now that I heard him and my mum fighting in the other room, she was yelling at him that he drinks too much, and that he should either face up to it or get out because she was sick of putting up with his ****. At the time I was pleased with her - so unbelievably proud - because I'd never heard her stand up to him like that. Mum's always been the peacemaker - her favourite phrase is 'tomorrow's a new day' and if her and I ever got into an argument, rather than talking it through, she preferred to sleep on it and go on as if it never happened. So this was new - and she pointed this fact out to him pretty verbally.
Thing is, instead of apologising, or at least acknowledging that she might have a point, he called her a dumb bitch and said something like 'So that's how you feel - I may aswell take off now'. He left that night and I didn't see him for 2 days - I assume he went to work (he works odd shifts and sometimes stays the night).
It's just been going on and on like that since then. The majority of the time he and I stay well out of each other's paths now, but tonight he just blew up at me because I changed the channel on the TV while he was passed out on the couch - 'resting his eyes'. I predictably got angry at him, and he told me that he's wanted me out of the house for years, and he's willing to pay my rent for me as long as he doesn't have to see my face ever again. In his words, our relationship is 'over' - because I turned the TV off the show he was sleeping through.
On one hand I would be more than happy to move out and away from him. But my mum's my best friend - as an only child I'm closer to her than any other person I know. I know she's very passive - and I have a horrible feeling that if I'm not around he's just going to get worse.
The other issue that's bugging me is that if he DOES leave, how will that affect my mum? She's in her 50s, and has had a boatload of health problems in the last 5 years, including anxiety, depression, and a few years ago she was diagnosed with a type of benign (and not at all dangerous) cancer on one of her eyes that has really shaken her up. Her parents are in their 80s and she's pretty much responsible for them, and she works full time. I know she's strong - but I don't know if she's THAT strong.
I want to stick by her, but I know my father and I aren't going to survive in a house together for much longer.
I have no idea what to do, or how to handle this emotionally. I haven't told any of my friends - I want to, but at the same time I feel it's a bit too personal to talk about, at least for the moment.
Oh, and more importantly, I want to help my mum. I know I can get over whatever it is, but I don't want to see her going through this at all.
I'm 22 years old, only child living at home with my two parents.
They've been married upwards of 25 years now, but only now have I really realised the issues they have between them.
I haven't been on civil terms with my father for at least the last 10 years, I can remember when I was 12 (admittedly in my Spoiled Bitchy Brat stage) I had the biggest row with him that I'd ever had. Since then, he seems to find some kind of pleasure in doing petty things or starting useless arguments just to get me worked up, so he's able to have a go at me for being 'disrespectful'. He seems to hold some kind of grudge against me, but I have absolutely no idea what for. The thing I hear most from him when we argue is how much I hate him, and that he's sick of me constantly wanting to argue with him. If I stay and be quiet, I'm 'ignoring' him, if I walk out of the room, I'm being rude and/or running away from the situation. There's no way to avoid getting him upset, and so there's no way to avoid getting myself upset.
It's was only a few months ago now that I heard him and my mum fighting in the other room, she was yelling at him that he drinks too much, and that he should either face up to it or get out because she was sick of putting up with his ****. At the time I was pleased with her - so unbelievably proud - because I'd never heard her stand up to him like that. Mum's always been the peacemaker - her favourite phrase is 'tomorrow's a new day' and if her and I ever got into an argument, rather than talking it through, she preferred to sleep on it and go on as if it never happened. So this was new - and she pointed this fact out to him pretty verbally.
Thing is, instead of apologising, or at least acknowledging that she might have a point, he called her a dumb bitch and said something like 'So that's how you feel - I may aswell take off now'. He left that night and I didn't see him for 2 days - I assume he went to work (he works odd shifts and sometimes stays the night).
It's just been going on and on like that since then. The majority of the time he and I stay well out of each other's paths now, but tonight he just blew up at me because I changed the channel on the TV while he was passed out on the couch - 'resting his eyes'. I predictably got angry at him, and he told me that he's wanted me out of the house for years, and he's willing to pay my rent for me as long as he doesn't have to see my face ever again. In his words, our relationship is 'over' - because I turned the TV off the show he was sleeping through.
On one hand I would be more than happy to move out and away from him. But my mum's my best friend - as an only child I'm closer to her than any other person I know. I know she's very passive - and I have a horrible feeling that if I'm not around he's just going to get worse.
The other issue that's bugging me is that if he DOES leave, how will that affect my mum? She's in her 50s, and has had a boatload of health problems in the last 5 years, including anxiety, depression, and a few years ago she was diagnosed with a type of benign (and not at all dangerous) cancer on one of her eyes that has really shaken her up. Her parents are in their 80s and she's pretty much responsible for them, and she works full time. I know she's strong - but I don't know if she's THAT strong.
I want to stick by her, but I know my father and I aren't going to survive in a house together for much longer.
I have no idea what to do, or how to handle this emotionally. I haven't told any of my friends - I want to, but at the same time I feel it's a bit too personal to talk about, at least for the moment.
Oh, and more importantly, I want to help my mum. I know I can get over whatever it is, but I don't want to see her going through this at all.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi dindigotu!
to SR!
This is a great place full of wonderful people. All of us understand what its like to be with an alcoholic, so you are among friends.
I am sorry you are going through this and your father told you those hurtful words. I wish I had an answer for you. Is there any counselor or therapist you could consult? I am not sure if you are studying in a university but oftentimes they have psychologists available for students... if it were for me, everybody on this world would go to therapy!
Your mom and you deserve a peaceful life. I bet your mom is very proud of having a mature daughter like you. If your dad leaves, perhaps your mom will finally be able to relax - do not worry about her - your mom has proven to be strong already. Also, if you decide to leave, your dad may get worse - or better. The point is that you cannot control how much he will drink or how he will be like - if he wants to drink, he will do it because you left, or because the sky is blue, or because its Friday, whatever.
Remember
-you did not cause his alcoholism
-you never controlled it, you cannot control it
-you cannot cure him.
Keep us posted!
to SR! This is a great place full of wonderful people. All of us understand what its like to be with an alcoholic, so you are among friends.
I am sorry you are going through this and your father told you those hurtful words. I wish I had an answer for you. Is there any counselor or therapist you could consult? I am not sure if you are studying in a university but oftentimes they have psychologists available for students... if it were for me, everybody on this world would go to therapy!
Your mom and you deserve a peaceful life. I bet your mom is very proud of having a mature daughter like you. If your dad leaves, perhaps your mom will finally be able to relax - do not worry about her - your mom has proven to be strong already. Also, if you decide to leave, your dad may get worse - or better. The point is that you cannot control how much he will drink or how he will be like - if he wants to drink, he will do it because you left, or because the sky is blue, or because its Friday, whatever.
Remember
-you did not cause his alcoholism
-you never controlled it, you cannot control it
-you cannot cure him.
Keep us posted!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you are seeking out some help for yourself and hope you will continue to come by to post and read. 
The disease of alcoholism is progressive and the family responses and interactions can be greatly affected, sometimes in the most painful ways.
When I first came to SR my youngest son was active in his own addiction. Like alot of others who come here, I learned the hard way that there's just no reasoning with an active addict or alcoholic. It really is up to your mom to decide how she wants to live; as well as how long and how much abuse she is willing to accept. I realize that's not an acceptable option for a daughter who loves her mom- but the only person that I can truly change is myself.
My favorite part of the Al-Anon opening statement is "The family situation is bound to improve as we practice these principles.."
The best and the first thing that I can do is take care of myself, learn better and more effective ways of coping with the insanity around me....and hope for those others involved to change as well. There are no guarantees, of course, about what somebody else will do; but the really great news is that there _is_ hope for those who find the desire and willingness to change.
The disease of alcoholism is progressive and the family responses and interactions can be greatly affected, sometimes in the most painful ways.
When I first came to SR my youngest son was active in his own addiction. Like alot of others who come here, I learned the hard way that there's just no reasoning with an active addict or alcoholic. It really is up to your mom to decide how she wants to live; as well as how long and how much abuse she is willing to accept. I realize that's not an acceptable option for a daughter who loves her mom- but the only person that I can truly change is myself.
My favorite part of the Al-Anon opening statement is "The family situation is bound to improve as we practice these principles.."
The best and the first thing that I can do is take care of myself, learn better and more effective ways of coping with the insanity around me....and hope for those others involved to change as well. There are no guarantees, of course, about what somebody else will do; but the really great news is that there _is_ hope for those who find the desire and willingness to change.
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