ariesgirl

I just had a very scary experience. My middle-school daughter, who takes the bus home, got locked out of the house (forgot her key), so I left work early and came straight home to let her in. Meanwhile, my husband offered to pick up the little kids on his way home from "work" (that's where he told me he was). A friend of mine whose kid goes to school with my little ones happened to be picking up her child at the same time and noticed my husband had been drinking. She brought my kids home. My husband wouldn't allow her to give him a ride (which means he drove home after drinking...don't know if he was above the legal limit, but anyway...). This is so scary. I have been told that he has to hit his own bottom, but it seems like the chances of him taking my kids or me or all of us with him are increasing daily. He is doing things he never would have done even a few months ago, like leaving the kids unattended in front of the house, and now attempting to pick them up after drinking (when he was supposed to be at work!) -- these are all things he has never, to my knowledge, done before. I think he is spiraling out of control. Is it codependent to force the issue -- i.e., have an intervention (I think more people are beginning to see what is going on, like my friend did today), separate and ask the judge to order counseling before he can see the kids, or some some similar tactic to at least get him into counseling before something really bad happens? I know I have to keep him from picking the kids up now, or even being in charge of them, but I still worry that something terrible will happen to him. I know I can't MAKE him stop, but can't I push the issue of counseling? Is that being codependant?

JT

Sad as it is there is not much you can do about him...but you CAN make it a point to make sure your kids are safe. Yesterday you could trust him and today you can't. Facts.

I am a person who would call him on showing up at the school after drinking, but I would state matter of factly that I knew and it would NEVER happen again. That would leave him to ponder exactly what you meant.

As they cross lines we have to deal with them...or not. He will change if he wants to but not because you tell him to.

Interventions are complicated and I would recommend a specialist if that is what you are considering.

Hugs,
JT

LongStrangeTrip

What he chooses to do to himself is one thing but putting your children in harms way is totally unacceptable.
I agree, wait until he has a completely sobor moment and matter of factly make him aware, beyond the shadow of a doubt that this will never happen again as JT so perfectly advised.

The simple fact that this guy thinks he is indestructable and is willing to take the kids with him into a potentially dangerous situation, makes him an unfit father in my eyes, as long as he continues to drink.

Like I said before...this is where I'd have to draw the battle lines. If he thinks he's so all powerful when he's drinking that he can drive your children home while he is drunk and that no one will notice and step in, he is really trippin'.

Honey, you have to take the bull by the horns and it's not codependant to protect your children. Have you been to an Al-Anon meeting yet? Can someone besides your A watch your children tomorrow night so that you can go?

ariesgirl

I have been to a couple of Al-Anon meetings, and my kids are spending the night at my mom's tomorrow so I can get myself to another meeting.

I know that I need to protect my kids, and I plan to do that -- but this new, more risky behavior scares me for HIM. The fact that he seems incapable of sound judgment (especially where the kids are concerned) is, I think, a sign that his problem is getting worse. I know it is not co-dependant to take steps to insure my safety and my children's safety, but what I want to know is, is it co-dependent to force the issue of counseling with him? I am considering getting a legal separation, because I am reasonably certain I can get the court to order him to alcohol counseling and supervised visitation, at least for the time being. I just feel like I can't sit here and watch this anymore. Maybe it is just time to leave (or make him leave).

I do plan to explain to him that driving drunk with children in the car is a felony in this state. Not to mention that my state has one of the highest rates of DWI deaths in the nation. I agree that he is not fit to have the children if he would even consider having them in the car with him after he had been drinking, but without a legal separation, I don't think I can legally address the issue of his fitness as a parent. And I really think I need an outside party to address that issue, because he stopped listening to me a long time ago.

countrygirl

Good luck!! I know you will do what you have to. Even if he doesn't understand, you have to seize the reins on this one. You would never forgive yourself if something happened.

You can protect the kids. Him - I guess not. I worry about mine, too. When he is drinking he all of a sudden has energy and really stupid ideas and taking chances. At least he is home when he does these things. And I am home. So at least I can call the fire department or take him to the ER or whatever.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. Thank goodness one of you has some good sense.