SR and the People in It
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,397
SR and the People in It
This site's been my buoy since 2006. Unfortunately, I've come unanchored lately and have been doing more drifting around...
Time to hold on tight and trust that I'll stay afloat ONLY if I stop trying to swim against the current.
The past year's been a better one than the last. I've been "in control" when it comes to drinking more often than not and gone long stretches at a time sober. The problem is... although I'm not nearly as dependent on the alcohol as I've been in the past -- I still recognize the fact that I'm just kidding myself. I've been putting off the inevitable.
Why???? Perhaps it's too easy because I haven't hit a really LOW bottom. Oh sure, I've hit some lows but they seem tame compared to what so many here have experienced. One part of me says "You can't be that bad then..." another says "God, I wish I'd just hit it already" and another says "Liz, you're really pushing your luck." Sometimes -- and I know this is crazy -- I hesitate to post because my problems seem insignificant compared to others.' Have to get over that...
Although I haven't been posting, I've been reading a lot lately and have been doing quite a bit of thinking, taking inventory... I thank this forum and the people -- no... FRIENDS -- in it for drawing me back in.
For holding me accountable.
Again, time to hold on tight and trust.
Here I go... DIVING IN.
Time to hold on tight and trust that I'll stay afloat ONLY if I stop trying to swim against the current.
The past year's been a better one than the last. I've been "in control" when it comes to drinking more often than not and gone long stretches at a time sober. The problem is... although I'm not nearly as dependent on the alcohol as I've been in the past -- I still recognize the fact that I'm just kidding myself. I've been putting off the inevitable.
Why???? Perhaps it's too easy because I haven't hit a really LOW bottom. Oh sure, I've hit some lows but they seem tame compared to what so many here have experienced. One part of me says "You can't be that bad then..." another says "God, I wish I'd just hit it already" and another says "Liz, you're really pushing your luck." Sometimes -- and I know this is crazy -- I hesitate to post because my problems seem insignificant compared to others.' Have to get over that...
Although I haven't been posting, I've been reading a lot lately and have been doing quite a bit of thinking, taking inventory... I thank this forum and the people -- no... FRIENDS -- in it for drawing me back in.
For holding me accountable.
Again, time to hold on tight and trust.
Here I go... DIVING IN.
Disposable Hero
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Being, ME
Posts: 3,758
Welcome back and thank you for being honest.
You may think your problems are insignificant, but when you share them with
others they become part of our lives. We learn, we grow, & we do recover.
You may think your problems are insignificant, but when you share them with
others they become part of our lives. We learn, we grow, & we do recover.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
Welcoe back. I did the same as you... almost wished for a 'real' bottom.
Then I hit them, two of them (the first one, where I pretty much should have died because of my BAC level.. didn't take).
I wish I hadn't have waited.. I hope you dont either.
Then I hit them, two of them (the first one, where I pretty much should have died because of my BAC level.. didn't take).
I wish I hadn't have waited.. I hope you dont either.
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Welcome back NL!
Look for the similarities. They are there. We all have to find our way in our own time. I do not believe that you have to hit some bottom as some would define it.
My true bottoms (both times I have gotten sober) have been spiritual. I truly had lost sight of who I really was. Today I am back and it feels good.
Look for the similarities. They are there. We all have to find our way in our own time. I do not believe that you have to hit some bottom as some would define it.
My true bottoms (both times I have gotten sober) have been spiritual. I truly had lost sight of who I really was. Today I am back and it feels good.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: East Coast
Posts: 437
Welcome back.
My bottom wasn't so bad compared to others but by my standards it was very low. The problem is we can't see it as a bottom while we are actively drinking. I learned through others that we can't get off any time we like. I can't imagine how much worse I would have felt ( I felt pretty bad ) if it got worse. I never made it to jail or nothing was lost but I was so headed in that direction. I am at 11 months sober and I hope I don't ever think that I didn't hit the bottom. I hit my bottom and that was as low as I want it. The only sure way not to go lower is to not drink. Good luck and welcome back. This site is really a godsend for me.
My bottom wasn't so bad compared to others but by my standards it was very low. The problem is we can't see it as a bottom while we are actively drinking. I learned through others that we can't get off any time we like. I can't imagine how much worse I would have felt ( I felt pretty bad ) if it got worse. I never made it to jail or nothing was lost but I was so headed in that direction. I am at 11 months sober and I hope I don't ever think that I didn't hit the bottom. I hit my bottom and that was as low as I want it. The only sure way not to go lower is to not drink. Good luck and welcome back. This site is really a godsend for me.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I'm glad you're back Liz
I think sometimes comparing ourselves against others kinda misses the point. I could drink all day everyday and still find people to compare myself against to convince myself I wasn't that bad...or, if my mood was bad, people to compare myself to, to beat myself up against.
Noones problems are insignificant, or more insignificant here. Thats part of what makes SR what it is.
Dive in
hugs
D
I think sometimes comparing ourselves against others kinda misses the point. I could drink all day everyday and still find people to compare myself against to convince myself I wasn't that bad...or, if my mood was bad, people to compare myself to, to beat myself up against.
Noones problems are insignificant, or more insignificant here. Thats part of what makes SR what it is.
Dive in
hugs
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,397
Thanks everybody.
Just finished IMing my husband to let him know I'm going for it again. Although he's supportive of my efforts, I really don't believe he thinks my drinking problems are all that bad and this makes things a bit difficult. He also has a few as soon as he walks in the door after work which always puts my willpower to the test. Oh well.
I know from past experience that once I get through a few weeks the going should get easier. And THAT in itself becomes reason enough to keep it up. I end up not wanting to ruin things.
It's been one heck of an '09. Five funerals -- one friend in her 60's and the rest less than 52 years old. One murder, two of cancer, a heart attack, and a suicide. Again -- even through all this, I never over drank. It's NOW when it's summer and my head's telling me I can finally relax... "how can things get any worse?"... that I'm beginning to settle into my old pattern of drinking daily.
It's only a matter of time before I'm blacking out or trying desperately not to throw up so my kids and husband don't suspect anything.
Just finished IMing my husband to let him know I'm going for it again. Although he's supportive of my efforts, I really don't believe he thinks my drinking problems are all that bad and this makes things a bit difficult. He also has a few as soon as he walks in the door after work which always puts my willpower to the test. Oh well.
I know from past experience that once I get through a few weeks the going should get easier. And THAT in itself becomes reason enough to keep it up. I end up not wanting to ruin things.
It's been one heck of an '09. Five funerals -- one friend in her 60's and the rest less than 52 years old. One murder, two of cancer, a heart attack, and a suicide. Again -- even through all this, I never over drank. It's NOW when it's summer and my head's telling me I can finally relax... "how can things get any worse?"... that I'm beginning to settle into my old pattern of drinking daily.
It's only a matter of time before I'm blacking out or trying desperately not to throw up so my kids and husband don't suspect anything.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Glad you're back and I have to say, your honesty is refreshing. Some times I wonder when some come back on SR after awhile and they say they are still clean, if it's the truth or not. I know I shouldn't think that way, but for years, I was in and out of AA and NA, I'd go back and make up reasons why I hadn't been to Meetings but I never was honest. Honesty is so vital for Recovery.
A few things jumped out in your post . . . when you said more often than not you have been "in control" of your drinking and you're not as dependent on alcohol as you were in the past. If you're an alcoholic, you won't be able to be "in control" for very long and trust me, you ARE still as dependent on the alcohol as ever. This disease is a tricky little SOB, it's just lying in wait to grab you with everything it has again.That's why it's said this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful.
I hope you'll continue to post and share how you're doing with us. One of the most important things I have learned is honesty and that none of us can do this alone. Sounds like you're off to a good re start!
God Bless,
Judy
A few things jumped out in your post . . . when you said more often than not you have been "in control" of your drinking and you're not as dependent on alcohol as you were in the past. If you're an alcoholic, you won't be able to be "in control" for very long and trust me, you ARE still as dependent on the alcohol as ever. This disease is a tricky little SOB, it's just lying in wait to grab you with everything it has again.That's why it's said this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful.
I hope you'll continue to post and share how you're doing with us. One of the most important things I have learned is honesty and that none of us can do this alone. Sounds like you're off to a good re start!
God Bless,
Judy
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Hi!
It's funny that you mentioned "high bottoms" and "low bottoms" as this was the topic of discussion in a meeting I went to Saturday.
It really doesn't matter what you want to call yourself, I know that I (never arrested, no DUI, had the "stuff" still)felt as souless and as sick and tired as the other person who lost everything. That's what matters...what does your soul feel like? Is it even there? I know mine wasn't...and that was enough for me.
Hang in there...you can do this.
xo
Karen
It's funny that you mentioned "high bottoms" and "low bottoms" as this was the topic of discussion in a meeting I went to Saturday.
It really doesn't matter what you want to call yourself, I know that I (never arrested, no DUI, had the "stuff" still)felt as souless and as sick and tired as the other person who lost everything. That's what matters...what does your soul feel like? Is it even there? I know mine wasn't...and that was enough for me.
Hang in there...you can do this.
xo
Karen
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