Was Getting Depressed...An Update
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 125
Was Getting Depressed...An Update
Hi Everyone!
I'm back!
It's been 19 days since the XABF moved out! I remember when it was 27 days. I kept saying to myself "How am I going to get through 27 days??" But I did it. (Do you remember back then??) I stayed on this message board. I read, I contributed and I wrote and got a lot of powerful help. I kept patient, and calm. Even when he binged, I made sure his shifts were covered so that he wouldn't lose his 2 jobs. I bought the boxes for him to pack. I bought the tape. I let him take my speakers. WHATEVER, dude. Just go.
I was told to not be surprised if I don't fall apart because...maybe I have grieved enough. (Thanks GiveLove.) Well, I think I have started. I wasn't falling apart until Monday, Tues and yesterday. Each morning, I felt there was NO reason to get up. Not even if I promised to take myself to dinner. Or make any purchase I wanted - make up, clothes, shoes. Anything. An expensive visit to the mall. Nothing interested me. On Wed morning, I honestly felt like I was becoming clinically depressed.
I felt a heaviness in my face. In my eyes and cheeks. And mouth. It concerned me.
So, I listned to Anthony Robbins' Personal Power II during the day and during lunchtime, specifically the sections on associations. I truly believe that we are creatures of habit and we are indeed like Pavlov's dog.
So, I figured out what I associated my XABF to: The Ultimate Relationship. And My Identity. (Not good.) I had to make a list of what he truly represented - no name calling, just facts.
As with Nathaniel Brandon's work, I started doing sentence completions:
My XABF is...
not nice.
an alcoholic.
in denial.
has no money.
owes his mom, ex wife a lot of money.
owes back taxes.
controlling.
emotionally abusive.
not reliable.
inconsiderate.
a freeloader.
My XABF has...
lied to me.
flaunted his ex wife in my face.
written her love email/text messages while he paid me no rent.
tried to make me feel less.
mental problems.
shoved me through a door once.
And the lists go on.
One sentence completion that helped me months ago was:
If I let my ABF go, then...
he will die.
he will walk away and not look back.
he won't care.
I'll know that he's really been using me.
he'll go back to his ex.
I'll fail his mom.
I'll fail my mom.
I'll fail myself.
I'll fail God. (With that realization, I started crying. I realized I associated my good-daughter, good soulmate and good-Christian-ness with saving my ABF.)
If he's not in my life anymore, then...
who will love me?
who will think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?
who will watch over him?
he'll find another woman to love.
who will make sure his cell phone is paid for?
who will I be? (That's a real bad one.)
On Wednesday night, I made my list of who is his and what I associate him with. I realized that my associations were strong since they were built over 20 years. I also realized that the TRUTH had to be stronger than my illusive associations, and like rock, paper and scissor, the TRUTH must break through my existing associations. And I am the one who has to make that happen.
When I wrote the 2 most important sentence completions:
He had attacked what he thought were my weaknesses.
He is not the man for me.
I felt free. Not completely free. But the weight from my cheeks, my head, my heart and my spirit lifted. He tried to attack me as a person~ how terrible for a soulmate to do that to his other half. He thought he knew my weaknesses ~ how empowering for me to know that I did not trust him enough to let him see what they were! He is not the man for me ~ wow, that's the first time I said it and didn't throw in some sugar to coat those harsh words.
I also wrote what I associate myself with. I hated that list. I feel it's time to make that change. I wrote down what I want to associate myself with. And then I wrote down what I need to do to change those associations, starting with changing my mindset. No more taking the position of victim. No more txt messages saying I'm miserable. (Yes, I did send one to him last week. Now I realize that I was unconsciously taking on the victim position, wanting his sympathy, wanting anything from him. I got a b.s. "As is such the case, I have no idea what you're talking about." Some sympathy!)
I am working on changing what I associate to be me - the gal who'll never get married, the gal who makes a joke of her broken down relationships, the gal whose men won't pay for a nice dinner out. No more of that.
When I was at work on Tues and Wed, I wanted to scream. I wanted to walk out. I wanted to do something meaningful. But I realized that all that I was feeling was coming from my mindset and my diet. Ice cream, and corn chips and junk foods do not help. I could be proactive, or just let things get worse. I was not going to suffer long-term consequences over short-term issues.
My funny books are helping me, too. And "It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken" is really funny. Another great tool is audio I bought from a guy named Francisco Bijan, from Vital Coaching. (I bought this when I broke up with my ex before this one, in 2007! LOL.) Francisco's great. He has a thick accent, but he's understandable. His Break Up audio is so good - I realized I was nurturing my ABF's memory, a ghost, the very person who has caused this pain. As long as my XABF takes up space in my mind, he will have power over me. Francisco gives you steps on what to do to release those feelings. One includes no isolation. I think being alone really hurt me because I got to beat up myself emotionally for letting this guy into my life, my hanging onto him, being tricked over and over again, and believing he was The One for the past 20 years. I sabotaged my ability to be in a relationship with a perspective husband so I could have no baggage when I finally had the chance to be with my XABF. How upsetting is that realization!?
Anyway, I am doing okay, and I've decided to take things one step at a time. My priority is to change my associations of him. He is not the king of romance and affection. He is condescending, and mean and arrogant. He is jealous of me and wanted to make me look and feel bad. He used me. He has a progressive disease and is in denial. He is BAGGAGE.
BTW, I did not give him the DVD. I haven't burned the little cassette onto a VHS cassette and then onto a DVD. And frankly, do I really want to even bother with all of that!? After all, I want my power back, and spending time making him a DVD so he could see how disgusting he gets, is pretty much wasting my energy. Maybe if I have a weak moment, I'll work on it. I did listen to the audio of him crying during his last binge, and just shook my head.
No more tears and no more guilt.
Now to get to the point where I can say goodbye forever. Or maybe he'll just fade away. Either way, he's overstayed his welcome in my life. I was so good to him. For him to say rude things to me - he wasn't even trying to preserve a friendship. It's the alcohol. It's the disease. Whatever. It's over, that's what it is. I choose to not subject myself to that kind of behavior, and to anyone who is capable or has been capable of treating me poorly.
Thank you for listening and for all of your help, your warmth, compassion and advice.
Hugs are still welcomed! Bless you all.
READY!!
I'm back!
It's been 19 days since the XABF moved out! I remember when it was 27 days. I kept saying to myself "How am I going to get through 27 days??" But I did it. (Do you remember back then??) I stayed on this message board. I read, I contributed and I wrote and got a lot of powerful help. I kept patient, and calm. Even when he binged, I made sure his shifts were covered so that he wouldn't lose his 2 jobs. I bought the boxes for him to pack. I bought the tape. I let him take my speakers. WHATEVER, dude. Just go.
I was told to not be surprised if I don't fall apart because...maybe I have grieved enough. (Thanks GiveLove.) Well, I think I have started. I wasn't falling apart until Monday, Tues and yesterday. Each morning, I felt there was NO reason to get up. Not even if I promised to take myself to dinner. Or make any purchase I wanted - make up, clothes, shoes. Anything. An expensive visit to the mall. Nothing interested me. On Wed morning, I honestly felt like I was becoming clinically depressed.
I felt a heaviness in my face. In my eyes and cheeks. And mouth. It concerned me.
So, I listned to Anthony Robbins' Personal Power II during the day and during lunchtime, specifically the sections on associations. I truly believe that we are creatures of habit and we are indeed like Pavlov's dog.
So, I figured out what I associated my XABF to: The Ultimate Relationship. And My Identity. (Not good.) I had to make a list of what he truly represented - no name calling, just facts.
As with Nathaniel Brandon's work, I started doing sentence completions:
My XABF is...
not nice.
an alcoholic.
in denial.
has no money.
owes his mom, ex wife a lot of money.
owes back taxes.
controlling.
emotionally abusive.
not reliable.
inconsiderate.
a freeloader.
My XABF has...
lied to me.
flaunted his ex wife in my face.
written her love email/text messages while he paid me no rent.
tried to make me feel less.
mental problems.
shoved me through a door once.
And the lists go on.
One sentence completion that helped me months ago was:
If I let my ABF go, then...
he will die.
he will walk away and not look back.
he won't care.
I'll know that he's really been using me.
he'll go back to his ex.
I'll fail his mom.
I'll fail my mom.
I'll fail myself.
I'll fail God. (With that realization, I started crying. I realized I associated my good-daughter, good soulmate and good-Christian-ness with saving my ABF.)
If he's not in my life anymore, then...
who will love me?
who will think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?
who will watch over him?
he'll find another woman to love.
who will make sure his cell phone is paid for?
who will I be? (That's a real bad one.)
On Wednesday night, I made my list of who is his and what I associate him with. I realized that my associations were strong since they were built over 20 years. I also realized that the TRUTH had to be stronger than my illusive associations, and like rock, paper and scissor, the TRUTH must break through my existing associations. And I am the one who has to make that happen.
When I wrote the 2 most important sentence completions:
He had attacked what he thought were my weaknesses.
He is not the man for me.
I felt free. Not completely free. But the weight from my cheeks, my head, my heart and my spirit lifted. He tried to attack me as a person~ how terrible for a soulmate to do that to his other half. He thought he knew my weaknesses ~ how empowering for me to know that I did not trust him enough to let him see what they were! He is not the man for me ~ wow, that's the first time I said it and didn't throw in some sugar to coat those harsh words.
I also wrote what I associate myself with. I hated that list. I feel it's time to make that change. I wrote down what I want to associate myself with. And then I wrote down what I need to do to change those associations, starting with changing my mindset. No more taking the position of victim. No more txt messages saying I'm miserable. (Yes, I did send one to him last week. Now I realize that I was unconsciously taking on the victim position, wanting his sympathy, wanting anything from him. I got a b.s. "As is such the case, I have no idea what you're talking about." Some sympathy!)
I am working on changing what I associate to be me - the gal who'll never get married, the gal who makes a joke of her broken down relationships, the gal whose men won't pay for a nice dinner out. No more of that.
When I was at work on Tues and Wed, I wanted to scream. I wanted to walk out. I wanted to do something meaningful. But I realized that all that I was feeling was coming from my mindset and my diet. Ice cream, and corn chips and junk foods do not help. I could be proactive, or just let things get worse. I was not going to suffer long-term consequences over short-term issues.
My funny books are helping me, too. And "It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken" is really funny. Another great tool is audio I bought from a guy named Francisco Bijan, from Vital Coaching. (I bought this when I broke up with my ex before this one, in 2007! LOL.) Francisco's great. He has a thick accent, but he's understandable. His Break Up audio is so good - I realized I was nurturing my ABF's memory, a ghost, the very person who has caused this pain. As long as my XABF takes up space in my mind, he will have power over me. Francisco gives you steps on what to do to release those feelings. One includes no isolation. I think being alone really hurt me because I got to beat up myself emotionally for letting this guy into my life, my hanging onto him, being tricked over and over again, and believing he was The One for the past 20 years. I sabotaged my ability to be in a relationship with a perspective husband so I could have no baggage when I finally had the chance to be with my XABF. How upsetting is that realization!?
Anyway, I am doing okay, and I've decided to take things one step at a time. My priority is to change my associations of him. He is not the king of romance and affection. He is condescending, and mean and arrogant. He is jealous of me and wanted to make me look and feel bad. He used me. He has a progressive disease and is in denial. He is BAGGAGE.
BTW, I did not give him the DVD. I haven't burned the little cassette onto a VHS cassette and then onto a DVD. And frankly, do I really want to even bother with all of that!? After all, I want my power back, and spending time making him a DVD so he could see how disgusting he gets, is pretty much wasting my energy. Maybe if I have a weak moment, I'll work on it. I did listen to the audio of him crying during his last binge, and just shook my head.
No more tears and no more guilt.
Now to get to the point where I can say goodbye forever. Or maybe he'll just fade away. Either way, he's overstayed his welcome in my life. I was so good to him. For him to say rude things to me - he wasn't even trying to preserve a friendship. It's the alcohol. It's the disease. Whatever. It's over, that's what it is. I choose to not subject myself to that kind of behavior, and to anyone who is capable or has been capable of treating me poorly.
Thank you for listening and for all of your help, your warmth, compassion and advice.
Hugs are still welcomed! Bless you all.
READY!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 286
What great work you have done! You should be so proud. An example to hold up. I am glad for you that you were able to pull yourself together and process all that through depression. Well done, my friend, well frickin' done! 
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Thanks for the update on You!
I was just thinking about you this morning and wondering how you were doing. Matter of fact I was cleaning my shower curtain liner and tub. I was dreading the chore, and then I remembered that this is my new shower curtain, my new liner, my tub in my apartment, my matching bath mat and towels. I love my bathroom! It hasn't been soiled by someone loosing control of their bodily functions, it is just needing a touch of maintenance cleaning to keep it fresh and clean. AAHHH!!
So did you get new duds for your bathroom and bedroom yet? I'm still envious of you getting a new bed!!
Some days I get the blues. I give them about 3 days and they seem to run their course. The first 24 hours is the toughest, as I feel hopeless that the funk showed up. By the 3rd day I have allowed myself to be directed to some piece of wisdom, written or spoken that lifts my spirits and teaches me something I was lacking.
It's progress!
I'm happy you are making progress too! :ghug3
I was just thinking about you this morning and wondering how you were doing. Matter of fact I was cleaning my shower curtain liner and tub. I was dreading the chore, and then I remembered that this is my new shower curtain, my new liner, my tub in my apartment, my matching bath mat and towels. I love my bathroom! It hasn't been soiled by someone loosing control of their bodily functions, it is just needing a touch of maintenance cleaning to keep it fresh and clean. AAHHH!!
So did you get new duds for your bathroom and bedroom yet? I'm still envious of you getting a new bed!!
Some days I get the blues. I give them about 3 days and they seem to run their course. The first 24 hours is the toughest, as I feel hopeless that the funk showed up. By the 3rd day I have allowed myself to be directed to some piece of wisdom, written or spoken that lifts my spirits and teaches me something I was lacking.
It's progress!
I'm happy you are making progress too! :ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 125
New Energy
Hi Ready,
Thank you! I am proud of myself, too. My friends and family urged me to throw him out, but if he could still legally be allowed into the apartment because he was on the lease and the super would have to let him in (at $35 a pop), what would I be accomplishing other than making an A angry?
I did it. And there's more work to be done. I'm praying I get through this okay. I don't want to spend money on therapy. I want to spend it on personal training sessions! LOL.
Thank you for sticking with me through this. It's been some roller coaster ride through the Twilight Zone. whew! Now for the journey to a new me.
R.
:ghug2
Hi Pelican,
Thanks for thinking of me! I felt bad for staying away for so long, but I really needed to just "be". I can't describe what I was feeling when he first left.
I'm glad you started appreciating your new bathroom. The day the XABF left, I installed my new toilet seat all by myself, I have a new bath rug, bath mat, shower liner and kept my shower curtain. It's a pretty mesh with embroidered vines and it's so "me". I also got very nice soap dishes, 2 trays (for scrubs and mitts), a tumbler and trash can. Very pretty stuff. I cleaned my bathroom like mad. I was surpised at how I got my bathroom in order before anything else!
I ordered a new bed, and dressers the other day! I still have to shop for a mattress, maybe in August. I already have pretty picture frames for the walls. I bought my first piece of artwork (a small painting) last week. My new computer is on back order and should be delivered by the end of the month.
My gym is offering discounts on personal training sessions! I am going to sign up for a whole bunch after I pay July's rent.
I am excited about the energy I'm creating both inside and out. Outside wasn't working until yesterday when I started changing my mindset big time.
Yes, my bathroom is mine. Clean. Unviolated. It's amazing how protective I feel over it. I can't wait till I get my sanctuary (bedroom) set up.
I'm sure it will still hurt, but I'm working on my associations and it's got to be an ongoing process. My default has been set at "he's the Ultimate Partner" for 20 years, so I must rewire my thinking pattern to think the truth. Full Throttle. I'm on a mission. My XABF treated me poorly, even though I didn't want to admit that to myself, so he doesn't deserve any more of my energy.
Anyway, I'm going to get some sleep so I can work the overtime this weekend to pay for my upcoming expenses!
Enjoy your weekend!
R.
Thank you! I am proud of myself, too. My friends and family urged me to throw him out, but if he could still legally be allowed into the apartment because he was on the lease and the super would have to let him in (at $35 a pop), what would I be accomplishing other than making an A angry?
I did it. And there's more work to be done. I'm praying I get through this okay. I don't want to spend money on therapy. I want to spend it on personal training sessions! LOL.
Thank you for sticking with me through this. It's been some roller coaster ride through the Twilight Zone. whew! Now for the journey to a new me.
R.
:ghug2
Hi Pelican,
Thanks for thinking of me! I felt bad for staying away for so long, but I really needed to just "be". I can't describe what I was feeling when he first left.
I'm glad you started appreciating your new bathroom. The day the XABF left, I installed my new toilet seat all by myself, I have a new bath rug, bath mat, shower liner and kept my shower curtain. It's a pretty mesh with embroidered vines and it's so "me". I also got very nice soap dishes, 2 trays (for scrubs and mitts), a tumbler and trash can. Very pretty stuff. I cleaned my bathroom like mad. I was surpised at how I got my bathroom in order before anything else!
I ordered a new bed, and dressers the other day! I still have to shop for a mattress, maybe in August. I already have pretty picture frames for the walls. I bought my first piece of artwork (a small painting) last week. My new computer is on back order and should be delivered by the end of the month.
My gym is offering discounts on personal training sessions! I am going to sign up for a whole bunch after I pay July's rent.
I am excited about the energy I'm creating both inside and out. Outside wasn't working until yesterday when I started changing my mindset big time.
Yes, my bathroom is mine. Clean. Unviolated. It's amazing how protective I feel over it. I can't wait till I get my sanctuary (bedroom) set up.
I'm sure it will still hurt, but I'm working on my associations and it's got to be an ongoing process. My default has been set at "he's the Ultimate Partner" for 20 years, so I must rewire my thinking pattern to think the truth. Full Throttle. I'm on a mission. My XABF treated me poorly, even though I didn't want to admit that to myself, so he doesn't deserve any more of my energy.
Anyway, I'm going to get some sleep so I can work the overtime this weekend to pay for my upcoming expenses!
Enjoy your weekend!
R.
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