On second thought
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
On second thought
After reading all the helpful, wonderful replies to my post last night, I'm going to try this sobriety thing again. My hope is that maybe one day I can come here and read over all these posts and chuckle a bit, but remember the struggle I'm going through with this monster called alcohol.
I'm a stubborn guy, and yesterday was a wakeup call from my doctor and I didn't take it well at all. I know this man cares, I've been seeing him for six years and he's doing his part. I have two choices, to wallow in self-pity and die, or pull it together and change my way of living. It seems like there is a spoiled little kid within me that just wants life it's way, and my reasoning stuggles with this emotional brat every day. I'm going to have to smack this kid on the head and shut him up for awhile, so that I can hear what others are telling me and surrender to the fact that booze has ruined my life and my way just doesn't work. I don't think it ever has. So now I have to try to grasp all this stuff that confuses me about sobriety, like powerlessness, spiritual growth, and total deflation of my ego, which I suspect is the little spoiled brat within me. Well, they say it's never too late to learn, but that's not totally true in my book, for it is too late to me when you're pushing up daisies. I'm not going to quit, please excuse me for being a brat, and I'm not leaving SR, if you'll let me stay. I really wonder why I decided to go "public" with all this? I was taught to keep dirty laundry at home, not to air dirty laundry in public, but here I am posting my dirty laundry out there for the world to see. I've got to think about that one. Maybe someone will benefit from reading about the struggle I'm having with this change of life and maybe I will benefit too.
So, the struggle begins again, the fight is just beginning, but fight I must if I want to live. I thank all of you here who are with me, are here each day to offer comfort, support, and guidance. I will try to stick around long enough to return the favors.
I'm a stubborn guy, and yesterday was a wakeup call from my doctor and I didn't take it well at all. I know this man cares, I've been seeing him for six years and he's doing his part. I have two choices, to wallow in self-pity and die, or pull it together and change my way of living. It seems like there is a spoiled little kid within me that just wants life it's way, and my reasoning stuggles with this emotional brat every day. I'm going to have to smack this kid on the head and shut him up for awhile, so that I can hear what others are telling me and surrender to the fact that booze has ruined my life and my way just doesn't work. I don't think it ever has. So now I have to try to grasp all this stuff that confuses me about sobriety, like powerlessness, spiritual growth, and total deflation of my ego, which I suspect is the little spoiled brat within me. Well, they say it's never too late to learn, but that's not totally true in my book, for it is too late to me when you're pushing up daisies. I'm not going to quit, please excuse me for being a brat, and I'm not leaving SR, if you'll let me stay. I really wonder why I decided to go "public" with all this? I was taught to keep dirty laundry at home, not to air dirty laundry in public, but here I am posting my dirty laundry out there for the world to see. I've got to think about that one. Maybe someone will benefit from reading about the struggle I'm having with this change of life and maybe I will benefit too.
So, the struggle begins again, the fight is just beginning, but fight I must if I want to live. I thank all of you here who are with me, are here each day to offer comfort, support, and guidance. I will try to stick around long enough to return the favors.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Ah, you are returning the favors now.
Part of my recovery has been airing the dirty laundry... I remember in rehab, when they took my history... it was liberating to get it all out there. I was no longer alone and hiding it. Granted, it took a while to get over the shame, my circumstances were such that I needed an outside intervention and hence people did know... But it's almost 9 months... a lot of that shame has gone away...
Keeping secrets (you don't have to tell everything here on SR!) will hurt your recovery. Sponsor, friend, priest, therapist... get it out, dump the garbage!!
Glad to see you are better... BTW, once you've freed your heart from the alcohol, it may heal some... your spirit will for sure.
Mark
Part of my recovery has been airing the dirty laundry... I remember in rehab, when they took my history... it was liberating to get it all out there. I was no longer alone and hiding it. Granted, it took a while to get over the shame, my circumstances were such that I needed an outside intervention and hence people did know... But it's almost 9 months... a lot of that shame has gone away...
Keeping secrets (you don't have to tell everything here on SR!) will hurt your recovery. Sponsor, friend, priest, therapist... get it out, dump the garbage!!
Glad to see you are better... BTW, once you've freed your heart from the alcohol, it may heal some... your spirit will for sure.
Mark
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by firestorm090 
So now I have to try to grasp all this stuff that confuses me about sobriety, like powerlessness, spiritual growth, and total deflation of my ego...
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Originally Posted by Classical
FS:
The main thing is: don't give up. And please don't bad mouth yourself. You seem like a great person from what I can tell.
Classical
The main thing is: don't give up. And please don't bad mouth yourself. You seem like a great person from what I can tell.
Classical
Carla Gordon:
If someone in your life talked to you the way you talk to yourself, you would have left them long ago.
If someone in your life talked to you the way you talk to yourself, you would have left them long ago.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: East Coast
Posts: 437
I too was glad to read this post over the last one. The fact that you are trying again is what it is all about. I'm told very few make it on the first, second, third... attempts. But I also heard that those that keep trying eventually get it.
I also think your struggles help alot of us. We don't want to see you in pain but it gives us de-ja-vu (spelling?) all over again. Thanks for coming back we really do need you here.
I also think your struggles help alot of us. We don't want to see you in pain but it gives us de-ja-vu (spelling?) all over again. Thanks for coming back we really do need you here.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
If only success stories were posted here, I'd have been gone long ago. Reading of each other's struggles, and trying to help each other through this mess is what makes SR the miracle that it is. Please don't leave us, FS. No matter what happens, we won't abandon you or judge you. Thanks for your honesty, though - how easy it would be to lie to each other, therefore accomplishing nothing.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
You posted because somewhere inside you, you don't want to die. You don't want to be unhappy. Somewhere inside you is the spark of hope that a full, healthy and worth while life STILL awaits you D.
Welcome back my friend
Welcome back my friend
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Hey Firestorm,
I'm glad to read your post.
You can do this! And, yes getting the ego out of the way, and paying attention to the quiet space within you, is important for recovery.
I'm glad to read your post.
You can do this! And, yes getting the ego out of the way, and paying attention to the quiet space within you, is important for recovery.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hmm....
Check out our Secular Connections Forum
for alternatives to AA.
AA is not for everyone....get centered
and find something that works for you.
Best wishes on your healthy sober future...
Check out our Secular Connections Forum
for alternatives to AA.
AA is not for everyone....get centered
and find something that works for you.
Best wishes on your healthy sober future...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
