EmotionalySpent

Since me and my AH decided we would call it quits 3 days ago he has forgotten 3 days in a row that we would call it quits.
I have had to remind him 2 nights about our discussion and our agreement and it seems like every morning he thinks things are all better and back to normal.
I am sticking to my guns on this though. I am still sleeping on the sofa (I have basically moved out of the bedroom) I have completely stopped telling him I love him, I show no affection to him at all, I don't cook for him or clean up after him, We barely speak. I mean how can this guy think everything is ok?
I will be taking a 5 day vacation alone the middle of september and have farmed the kids out to friends and relatives for those 5 days and when I return he will be leaving. So I am grateful that I have to put up with his crap for 5 less days then I should have to.
I will just never understand his way of thinking.

Ann

He will get the message when it is consistant over a period of time.

Right now he is probably living in denial and hoping you will change your mind. Be prepared for what I call panic button pushing - this is where they try being very very very sweet and just the most lovable guy you ever met, and they will try anger and bullying, they will try subtle threats...."if you go I will do this or that" and it may not be pleasant and it will surely be emotional.

Just plan your day without him, and be somewhere else as often as possible.

Also, watch your money and bank account. This is a time when they like to clean out any finances that may be avaiable.

Good for you for planning some time just for you, and my prayers go out for you and your children.

Hugs
Ann

EyesOpen

It really rocks their world when we discover we do indeed have a backbone. All those years of getting us to compromise... it really must be a shock to their systems when we actually use the word "no" and mean it.

I agree with Ann, when he realizes that "no" is "no", any response from him will be based on emotion - and deflecting the blame on to everybody and anybody else.

Be true to yourself & your path will get brighter every day!

jessieandme2003

I did this a few months ago and I want to restate Anns point about how he will try to manipulate you. Be ready and put plans in place for how you will be strong. Are there friends you can call when you just need to be reminded you are right and he is wrong? Remember to come here with anything he says that you might find swaying you. This group can help you see clearly when things get muddy. I did, and it was the only way I could stay firm. My AH knew all my buttons.
Try to remember you are not only helping yourself, you will be helping him by no longer enabling him. In my case it turned out to be the best thing I could have done for myself, my daughter and my husband.
I will be thinking of you.

Damaged82

I've had to deal with the insane extremes they will go to. I know how hard it is to stay strong and stand your ground. My mother is queen of advice for me, she has warned me "a threatened man is a dangerous man". It's true. I've tried to stand my ground while he says "fine, if you won't be this way or that then I'm leaving". So I'd stand up and say that he shouldn't ask me to compromise the parts of me that keep me a strong, independent woman. So...he'd scream. SCREAM. (I've never heard a man scream like that before). Everything was my fault and he'd use everything I've ever told him in confidence and throw it against me to assure that I would want to kill myself the instant he walked out the door. I'm not a violent person in the least, but he's made me come very close to trying to physically hurt him. Then, I'd have it in my mind "this is it, time for a new life, time for a new me...nothing more to hold me back". Of course, I'd call the only 2 people I can call in a situation like that and they calmed me down immensley. Then, he'd call or come by, say sorry and expect me to completely forget the things he had said and done and we could be happy. Of course, I'd take him back b/c he'd cry and admit his problems and admit he needs help...but he'd get so angry when I wouldn't get over the situation. He's tried to block my car in the driveway so I couldn't leave. He's tried to hide my keys. Just...for yourself...even if you don't feel it's necessary...have money hidden somewhere really safe in case you need to flee on the spot and you don't have cash in the bank. Make sure you have a spare key in case he hides them. And let a friend know what you're going through so that if anything escalades at your home, you have somewhere drama free to take the kids and just get out of the house. He'll get the picture eventually, but you have to be strong for you and your children and stick to your guns. You'll be so amazingly proud of yourself when you do. Brand new life!!!

myles1

It's called denial. It takes awhile for them to get the message.

Ngaire

JT

Also keep on mind the times when perhaps you made threats that you did not follow though on. THAT is what he is seeing and experience tells him you will change your mind.

Be careful...he will be using everything he has.

Hugs,
JT

countrygirl

If I remember right, you were doing him a favor letting him stay the month, something about the kids from his first marriage. (Hope I am not confusing people.) So - if he acts up, you can use that, it is best for him to be on good behavior. If he isn't, he can get out sooner regardless of the consequences and don't you feel bad about it. You didn't do it to him, he did it to himself. That month leeway was for his benefit, don't you suffer from doing him a favor. He might come back with something like you promised - but you didn't blindly promise. It was a mutual agreement. If he doesn't keep his part of the bargain, you are released from yours.

Just a maybe - he might refuse to leave when the month is up. Have a plan for that, too. You could always do the direct approach, change the locks and put his stuff on the porch. Just think about it, be prepared, and then you won't be surprised.