Alanon - Should I Continue
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 170
Alanon - Should I Continue
Now that the addict is out of my life, should I continue going to my Alanon meetings? Will I still need that support now that he is gone?
My self esteem is still very low and the hurt is still there, but doesn't that just go away with time by itself? I was not related to my addict. He was my abf.
My self esteem is still very low and the hurt is still there, but doesn't that just go away with time by itself? I was not related to my addict. He was my abf.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Once I was at a meeting where there was a woman who had been attending Al Anon for over 10 years, but who had dated her "qualifier" for less than 6 months. Someone asked her why she was still coming to meetings. She said: "Because Al Anon is a life-enhancement program, not a relationship enhancement program."
From what I've seen, low self-esteem does not just "go away" by itself, so maybe a "life enhancement program" could still be helpful to you.
freya
From what I've seen, low self-esteem does not just "go away" by itself, so maybe a "life enhancement program" could still be helpful to you.
freya
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Absolutely keep going. Alanon is for people whose lives have been touched by someone with a problem.
Contrary to their names, Alanon and Naranon (and CoDA) are about US and learning to make better choices in live and to have the tools to deal with life on life's terms.
You qualify and it sounds like being there is helpful to you. That alone is reason enough to keep going.
Hugs
Contrary to their names, Alanon and Naranon (and CoDA) are about US and learning to make better choices in live and to have the tools to deal with life on life's terms.
You qualify and it sounds like being there is helpful to you. That alone is reason enough to keep going.
Hugs
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I had only been going to Naranon for 3 months when my daughter (qualifier) died...This month I celebrated my 3rd year. I have found the program of recovery is truly about a better way to live, not just about living with an addict.
I have also found great pleasure in being able to give back as was so unselfishly given to me.
So if it helps you and you enjoy it, keep coming back!
I have also found great pleasure in being able to give back as was so unselfishly given to me.
So if it helps you and you enjoy it, keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I used to think that all I needed to do was get the addict out of my life and then no need for more Alanon. Wrong! All I did was find another (and another) addict. If I had stayed in Alanon I would have stayed in my recovery. I'm sorry that I didn't stick around.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 170
Yes, a lady at one of the Alanon meetings I went to told me that if I didn't work on myself, I would end up dating another addict. I certainly don't want that to happen. The crack addict/alcoholic I dated for over two years was the most horrible relationship I had ever been in. I don't ever want to be on that roller coaster ride from hell again ever.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
If you enjoy the experience, you are right to continue going.
However, I am wary of any program--or perhaps I should say person--who claims that without that program (or religion or cult) you will not be okay. So I avoid the people in Al-Anon who have a fundamentalist attitude toward the program. It is not the only path to self-improvement and recovery from codependency. I have watched women hide in the meetings for years and make no changes to their lives. Letting go for them had come to mean "do nothing." Their lives were a little better. But far from fulfilling.
My feelings about AA and NA are different, though, because addiction thrives when the addict is isolated, when the addict is without structure, and when the addict is focused only on his wants. The disease needs to get out of the dark and out into the light of day and in meetings this happens for the recovering addict. Something that cannot happen in other more general self-improvement groups which do not focus on the disease of addiction.
So I think you are right to continue. And if one day you choose something else as a means of growth, then I hope you will allow yourself not to be afraid that you are doomed if you leave Al-Anon.
Personally, this forum and weekly counseling have provided lightspeed growth for me that would not have occurred in the same amount of time with only Al-Anon. I regard this forum as a gift from God. Thank you SR!
However, I am wary of any program--or perhaps I should say person--who claims that without that program (or religion or cult) you will not be okay. So I avoid the people in Al-Anon who have a fundamentalist attitude toward the program. It is not the only path to self-improvement and recovery from codependency. I have watched women hide in the meetings for years and make no changes to their lives. Letting go for them had come to mean "do nothing." Their lives were a little better. But far from fulfilling.
My feelings about AA and NA are different, though, because addiction thrives when the addict is isolated, when the addict is without structure, and when the addict is focused only on his wants. The disease needs to get out of the dark and out into the light of day and in meetings this happens for the recovering addict. Something that cannot happen in other more general self-improvement groups which do not focus on the disease of addiction.
So I think you are right to continue. And if one day you choose something else as a means of growth, then I hope you will allow yourself not to be afraid that you are doomed if you leave Al-Anon.
Personally, this forum and weekly counseling have provided lightspeed growth for me that would not have occurred in the same amount of time with only Al-Anon. I regard this forum as a gift from God. Thank you SR!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
Originally Posted by bluejay6 
However, I am wary of any program--or perhaps I should say person--who claims that without that program (or religion or cult) you will not be okay. So I avoid the people in Al-Anon who have a fundamentalist attitude toward the program. It is not the only path to self-improvement and recovery from codependency. I have watched women hide in the meetings for years and make no changes to their lives. Letting go for them had come to mean "do nothing." Their lives were a little better. But far from fulfilling.
My feelings about AA and NA are different, though, because addiction thrives when the addict is isolated, when the addict is without structure, and when the addict is focused only on his wants. The disease needs to get out of the dark and out into the light of day and in meetings this happens for the recovering addict. Something that cannot happen in other more general self-improvement groups which do not focus on the disease of addiction.
I agree that you can "hide out in the rooms" of Alanon so to speak. This is true for AA and NA too though, as many of us can attest to being involved with people who are in the program but not working the program.
You don't get into Harvard by just showing up in high school. You have to excel at the work.
Any program in itself is not a cure all. If you browse the 12-step parts of these boards you read that even in AA there are long term members who believe that others are not "working it" and that is why it doesn't work for them.
I'd also say that a fair number of people here have posted recently about addiction to their addict and I believe that addiction thrives in isolation too. In my experience, when you are out and about doing things with other people and enjoying yourself, the "love" for the addict seems less all consuming.
In one meeting I go to, one woman was saying how she does have to remind herself to put forth the effort in her every day life. It is not just about showing up.
I think the more tools we have in our toolbox, therapy, alanon, SR the better off we are in general. One last point, alanon is free, and my personal therapy while worth every penny is something that I may not be able to afford to do too much longer.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Al-anon is a wonderful support system, but I do have to admit that it scared the be-jeepers out of me when I went to meetings and heard women speak who had been in relationships with addicts for years and were still linving with active addiction and just kept coming to meetings. I think one of the important things I learned was "work it" and that I had to keep working on me... all the time... not to keep working on a way to get by in the situation I was in... but it's different for everyone.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
"Because Al Anon is a life-enhancement program, not a relationship enhancement program."
AMEN to that! I used to think Al Anon taught a person how to live with an addict/alcoholic or how to live with addiction. WRONG. It teaches you how to live .... period.
I wouldn't take $1,000,000 for what I've learned in Al Anon and I pray I never have to stop going. I am so grateful for the people who hung in there and were there for me when I walked through the doors. They truly get the saying, "You can't keep it unless you give it away."
I've been in Al Anon for 6 1/2 years now and still have plenty to learn. A while back I multipled out the estimated times I've been to a meeting X a counseling fee. I have saved myself HUNDREDS of THOUSANDS of dollars in counseling fees. Now that, my dear, is a smart move, or at least it sure was for me.
I dearly love my Al Anon because it teaches the 12 steps. And I think the 12 steps are a good way for ANY human being to live.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
AMEN to that! I used to think Al Anon taught a person how to live with an addict/alcoholic or how to live with addiction. WRONG. It teaches you how to live .... period.
I wouldn't take $1,000,000 for what I've learned in Al Anon and I pray I never have to stop going. I am so grateful for the people who hung in there and were there for me when I walked through the doors. They truly get the saying, "You can't keep it unless you give it away."
I've been in Al Anon for 6 1/2 years now and still have plenty to learn. A while back I multipled out the estimated times I've been to a meeting X a counseling fee. I have saved myself HUNDREDS of THOUSANDS of dollars in counseling fees. Now that, my dear, is a smart move, or at least it sure was for me.
I dearly love my Al Anon because it teaches the 12 steps. And I think the 12 steps are a good way for ANY human being to live.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
I don't like the word "should" as in "should I keep going to Alanon?" It's something we codies struggle with, the "shoulding." I think a better question would be: Do you need or want to go? Do you get anything out of it? Does it enhance your life? They are more important questions then the shoulds.
Personally, I'm a train-wreck without meetings (I go to NA). There is no should about it, I need to go! Codies are like addicts in that if they don't change, they will keep on doing the same thing...for them, dating addicts/alcoholics. Being a double winner (codie and addict) I can tell you that my life has been negatively impacted just as much by codependency as it has by active addiction. Don't underestimate codependency. It can really make you miserable untreated.
Love,
KJ
Personally, I'm a train-wreck without meetings (I go to NA). There is no should about it, I need to go! Codies are like addicts in that if they don't change, they will keep on doing the same thing...for them, dating addicts/alcoholics. Being a double winner (codie and addict) I can tell you that my life has been negatively impacted just as much by codependency as it has by active addiction. Don't underestimate codependency. It can really make you miserable untreated.
Love,
KJ
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