aasharon90

Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

A very grateful Alcoholic who
has a number of one days at
a time collected to add up to
18 yrs sober.

Why waste a minute fantasizing
or romanticizing about drinking
or using?

We both know what the out
come is? Right?

Sure those thoughts pop in my
head from time to time however
i have to let them go emmediately
because what's the point of
dreaming on and on about it.

I just play the tape out a little
further and then i can see as
plain as day as to what state id
be in..... DRUNK.

For just a few hours of fun, making
an AZZ of myself, being loud and
obnoxious, to crashing who knows
where with who knows what, hung
over, not remembering what the
heck i did the night before, to self
pity, remorse, shame and more.

Is it worth all that? HECK NO...!

Thank God I can think this thru
before i slip. How about u?

eoghanacht

Hey there Sharon. You are absolutey riight. I told a Rehab Worker today that I hated this thing called drink, it has ruined my so-called life. I want it back....

aasharon90

That drink is nothing but POISON to me
and my system.

What does poison do to you? Just
drink some and find out. It will
kill me and you.

I began getting my life back the moment
i admitted i had a problem with alcohol
and decided to do something about it.

I had the desire to do what ever it took
to not drink one day at a time and to me
that was easy with help from a wonderful
awesome program call AA or Alcoholics
Anonymous.

shaun00

Insane...insane...insane.

i fell for it time and time again.

that insane decision to try to drink like i once did.

i start of with a vague romantic notion of a pleasurable glass or two..

i just could not see the truth...

thats the difference today...........i no longer believe the fantasy....

i understand the insanity of the first drink........

Sure i get the odd......fantasy.......but its a fantasy and i know it.

because my sponsor explained what was wrong with me..then showed me the solution to my dilema.

i like the story of the jay walker............just about sums up my drinking.

great post sharon..............

aasharon90

Trucker....thank you.

Would you please share the story of the
Jay Walker? Id like to hear it.

shaun00

its a parable sharon

page 49 first edition bb....first print or

page 37 in the newer bb fourth edition anyhow.

more about alcoholism......and starting with... "our behavior is...........

see if it relates to your drinking.......

it define insanity for me perfectly.

aasharon90

yes, got ya. Thanks.

The Big Book has everything in there
to help us stay sober ODAAT.

tsukiko

Most of the time when I remember injecting heroin I'm even slightly repulsed, not just by the act, but by the absolute desperation of it all. That said, I don't want to forget how romantic, how lovely it was at first or even further along the road sometimes. Why? Well...

If I forget why I did it, how much I enjoyed parts of it then the pain I suffered and inflicted will also become a mystery to me too.

TO use an extreme example:

It is like the people who argue you can't make art out of the Holocaust, can't for example apply figurative language, metaphor etc to address such a horrific and real event...but we think through figures, through metaphor. To prohibit seemingly flowery, poetic or figurative langauge is to prohibit understanding altogether, thus to mystify the event, just like the Nazi's wanted.

To forsake the same approaches to drug use and the death, the pain, the reality would be to mystify the whole thing, prohibit understanding...just like anti drug propoganda attempts to make the idea of pleasure and drugs incomprehenseble or unimaginable.

Forsaking poetic language, I could describe certain memories and they'd still seem romantic or idealised...because they were.

I didn't quit because I never experienced anything pleasant, but rather because the low was equal to the high and lasted ten times longer.

Remembering how good the high was reminds me how bad the lows were too.

It doesn't make me want to go back to that life, but after all the death, the deciet, the pain, sometimes (for me) its important to look back at the past and remember why I did it, why I put myself through it in the first place. If I don't remember the highs it's like my mates who died tring to feel that, like they died for nothing.

I get as irritated as anyone by the person who chats on 'bout the beauty of pinned eyes or unspoken understanding between users etc, but letting myself think about that stuff in my own langauge, in my own head, without sickening others with it, yeah I do that -shrugs-.

I think its healthy to be able to see both sides, both cynacism and romanticism and live somewhere in the middle. Or maybe that's just being flowery? lol

optra

Me too! The insanity ruled my life for twenty years. Now with the 12 steps of AA I just passed 9 months and even though I still have all the everyday stresses(go figure) I no longer have those insane ideas that a drink would help. Not only that but since working the steps the obsession to drink is GONE. It's kind of ironic that I fought tooth and nail to avoid AA and doing the steps but now that I've worked them I don't want to stop living them on a daily basis.
Thank you Sharon for starting this thread!
Steve

shaun00

Way to go on the 9 months steve and im chuffed you found the solution..

Shaun.

Ananda

Thanks Tsokiko

I had some very wonderful expereince when i was drinking and using that i wouldn't trade for the world and dont regret.

Drinking also almost killed me and speed almost caused me to loose my mind.

If I try to convince myself there were no good times, then that becomes a strong tie to going back out cause the day will come when the fear and horror doesn't hold back one of those nice memories and the whole it was nothing but horror defense collapses....


so i'm honest with myself and others about the good and the bad....i think i couldn't get sober until i finally reallized that nothing is black and white ... i had to become able to live with the black and the white existing in the same space..the good and the bad the happ[y an the sad...learn to live with the dycotomy (i think thats what its called but not sure) and with the paradoxes in order to heal.

But i always remember where the alchohol and drugs ultimatly took me.

cptspalding

hi sharon WOW 18 yrs sober, I doff my cap to you well done! it's only been 8 days for me and I'm going I'm going ever so slightly round the twist you are an inspiration to continue onwards