Holding on by the skin of my teeth at times
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Maryland
Posts: 50
Holding on by the skin of my teeth at times
I'd like to thank everyone who took the time to respond to my post yesterday. I posted that feeling like the most insane whack job in the world, and walked away with so much ESH and KNOWING that I was not alone. I felt relief and so very blessed to have found SR and all of you.
Didn't send any emails last night, but snooped on his page (if you read my other post) and of course got what I asked for. It's to the point like my BF said last night that even if I find anything there I don't know anything tangible, so I just make up what I think in my own head. Sickness I know.
I snooped, I just got stung, I hit the "x".
This morning I woke up AGAIN, thinking of a "plan" as to how I could get some contact.....get my "fix". I was going to send me an email from my bf's account, then email my "concerned friend" back from my account AND THEN forward that email to EXABF, and the A@@ kicker is..........ALL SO HE WOULD NOT THINK THAT I AM INVOLVED IN THE EMAIL SCAM-WHICH WE ALL KNOW I AM!!!!
Now after I plotted all that out I was exhausted to say the least
. Then I stopped and asked myself "what is your motivation, What do you think this will accomplish?" And realized the answer was a big fat NOTHING! He'd probally think I am crazier than he already does, and I would gain nothing. I realized all I was AGAIN doing was trying to control and trying to manipulate an outcome (though I'm not certain what that was yet). Once again I was trying to play HP and thinking that I know better than His will for me! WOW!
So today is another day. Working on it ten mins at a time right now but so far so good Again THANK YOU all for your help and ESH. It is always appreciated....
your crazy friend in recovery
spirit
Didn't send any emails last night, but snooped on his page (if you read my other post) and of course got what I asked for. It's to the point like my BF said last night that even if I find anything there I don't know anything tangible, so I just make up what I think in my own head. Sickness I know.
I snooped, I just got stung, I hit the "x".
This morning I woke up AGAIN, thinking of a "plan" as to how I could get some contact.....get my "fix". I was going to send me an email from my bf's account, then email my "concerned friend" back from my account AND THEN forward that email to EXABF, and the A@@ kicker is..........ALL SO HE WOULD NOT THINK THAT I AM INVOLVED IN THE EMAIL SCAM-WHICH WE ALL KNOW I AM!!!!
Now after I plotted all that out I was exhausted to say the least
. Then I stopped and asked myself "what is your motivation, What do you think this will accomplish?" And realized the answer was a big fat NOTHING! He'd probally think I am crazier than he already does, and I would gain nothing. I realized all I was AGAIN doing was trying to control and trying to manipulate an outcome (though I'm not certain what that was yet). Once again I was trying to play HP and thinking that I know better than His will for me! WOW!So today is another day. Working on it ten mins at a time right now but so far so good
Again THANK YOU all for your help and ESH. It is always appreciated....your crazy friend in recovery
spirit
I grew my wings to fly...
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
You sure you and I aren't twins? (share the same intense brain) lol. Wow you must be exhausted, I know that I was when I was scheming all them things in my head, and then I never did 'most' of them. I would say, KEEP A JOURNAL, pray for peace in your heart. I took up kick boxing (I had to kick only because I have an injury that prevents me from using my right arm) and walking, and praying. I use to play some motivational music (Queen: I Want To Break Free, Bob Segar: Little Victory, Rascal Flats: I'm Moving On, Evanescence: Call Me When You Are Sober, Daughtry: Over You, Beyonce:Irreplacable, Allure & 112: All Cried Out, and Timberland: Apologize), and kick the living S*** out of that bag crying the whole time, and walk for miles on end. What ended up happening is I have lost 207 lbs, and am now fit and trim.
Good luck. I know how hard this is. We all do.
Good luck. I know how hard this is. We all do.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Hi Spirited,
I haven't quite been in your shoes, but i do know about the obsession of the mind...turning it over and over in your head. Slicing and dicing,stretching it out over and over. It is exhausting and very unhealthy. I am sorry that your are still in such emotional pain and hope you find some peace and resolve very soon, so that you can move on to a place where you can live *your* life, allow your XBF to live his and be in the present and plan a healthy future for yourself.
I haven't quite been in your shoes, but i do know about the obsession of the mind...turning it over and over in your head. Slicing and dicing,stretching it out over and over. It is exhausting and very unhealthy. I am sorry that your are still in such emotional pain and hope you find some peace and resolve very soon, so that you can move on to a place where you can live *your* life, allow your XBF to live his and be in the present and plan a healthy future for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
When I read your post about the elaborate email thing and this post I thought... woah.. so much effort... and for what? It seems like the equivalent of 'treading water' in treacle.
I am relieved that since my split I don't have to feel those unstable things and get caught up in the crazy-go-round. All the effort I made just trying to keep my head above the water can now go into swimming to the shore. I sound mighty selfish but I can't imagine giving him any of my energy like that.. he had nearly 3 years of making me feel like crap I don't want to give him a second longer. And to do that.. well it'd put me right back where I was and what is worse it'd be an inside job. Hell no.. I'm heading for serenity and I'll be damned if he (or I) get in the way.
I'm hoping soon you will feel that sense of relief and be on your way to the shore :ghug
I am relieved that since my split I don't have to feel those unstable things and get caught up in the crazy-go-round. All the effort I made just trying to keep my head above the water can now go into swimming to the shore. I sound mighty selfish but I can't imagine giving him any of my energy like that.. he had nearly 3 years of making me feel like crap I don't want to give him a second longer. And to do that.. well it'd put me right back where I was and what is worse it'd be an inside job. Hell no.. I'm heading for serenity and I'll be damned if he (or I) get in the way.
I'm hoping soon you will feel that sense of relief and be on your way to the shore :ghug
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
The suggestion to keep a journal is a good one. I did that for a while, and still do, whenever I feel the need to 'get it out.' Also, personal therapy did wonders for me. My mind needed a fresh perspective, and that's exactly what I got from a neutral third party. I can go round and round in circles with my own thinking, but when someone else gives me a different outlook, it helps get me out of my own patterns.
L
L
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