Frustrated and Hurt
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
Frustrated and Hurt
Went to "marriage therapy" yesterday (we are still continuing because it should help in the transition to divorce). He stated loud and clear that he does not want us back and that HE wants to find happiness FOR HIMSELF. Naturally I got blamed for being the way I am - angry a lot and silent some of the time - but I KILLED HIS LOVE FOR ME!!??:wtf2
I was silent and upset a lot. But, I must admit I kept my mouth shut when he hurt me or upset me, etc. But back when we were first married the preacher had told me to be more assertive and for him to listen to me more (we took a personality test). But when I was assertive and told him when he hurt me or when I wanted and needed something he would be nasty and mean and tell me I was to sensitive, or what he said was only a joke, or I was nuttin' up or I must be having my period. When I told him he physically hurt me (opened a drawer into my stomach or tickled WAY TO HARD and left bruises) he would tell me I was to delicate or over playing it and wasn't hurt. I got confused and he scared me (threatened to kill me if I left years ago) and I started keeping things to myself because I started thinking that maybe I WAS the problem or he would bully me into submission (I was really afraid of him and he knew it and took great pleasure in it). His mother had told me his father does this and that it is best not to argue or disagree as that only makes things worse (my father-in-law used to be physically abusive when drinking, now he isn't but he is still massively mentally and emotionally abusive to my MIL). Now she is trapped with him at the age of 70, she is drinking excessively herself now, has had breast cancer, a heart attack, and now glaucoma. Neither her husband or her son (my STXAH) care about her at all and talk to her like she's worse then dirt (you can tell a lot about some men by the way they treat their mother). My STXAH never went to visit her in the hospital when she had treatment for her cancer (both breast had to be removed), when she had the heart attack, or when she had eye surgery (didn't even know what hospital she was in). I don't want to end up like that, treated worse then dirt. But I was on my way there.
When I look back, I can tell it was all abuse, but I didn't have the self esteem to realize that I didn't deserve such treatment.
He told the counselor that he wanted to be a good father and provide for us (bull). I've heard all of these promises before, but the counselor told me to give my STXAH a "chance" as he thought my STXAH wanted to change his life. My jaw dropped! He has charmed the socks off of the counselors and now they believe all of his promises and that he isn't an alcoholic, but just a "problem drinker". He can turn on the waterworks in therapy and act like Mr. Wonderful, but afterward it's off to the bar and his honeys. I will not be going back for "divorce" therapy there any time soon. What a crock!
It does hurt that he is rejecting me. Why, I don't know. It hurts like hell and I cry a lot now. I am scared about raising two boys by myself and how I will be able to hold it all together. I am really doubting that he ever loved me at all as the abuse started when we got back from our honeymoon. Of course, I was supposed to forget it all and was accused of holding grudges (according to him). But when the abuse starts and is ongoing and gets worse through the years, how are you supposed to forget it? It would be stupid to forget it. Over the summer he started throwing things and yelling horrible things to me - he said just to vent. I felt that I was the next thing he would vent on (I've read that that is how physical abuse happens, it progresses). He promised me he would never do that and tried to make me feel paranoid and guilty - didn't work. He is an abuser sober or drunk plan and simple. I should be glad to be rid of him, so why am I so sad???
I was silent and upset a lot. But, I must admit I kept my mouth shut when he hurt me or upset me, etc. But back when we were first married the preacher had told me to be more assertive and for him to listen to me more (we took a personality test). But when I was assertive and told him when he hurt me or when I wanted and needed something he would be nasty and mean and tell me I was to sensitive, or what he said was only a joke, or I was nuttin' up or I must be having my period. When I told him he physically hurt me (opened a drawer into my stomach or tickled WAY TO HARD and left bruises) he would tell me I was to delicate or over playing it and wasn't hurt. I got confused and he scared me (threatened to kill me if I left years ago) and I started keeping things to myself because I started thinking that maybe I WAS the problem or he would bully me into submission (I was really afraid of him and he knew it and took great pleasure in it). His mother had told me his father does this and that it is best not to argue or disagree as that only makes things worse (my father-in-law used to be physically abusive when drinking, now he isn't but he is still massively mentally and emotionally abusive to my MIL). Now she is trapped with him at the age of 70, she is drinking excessively herself now, has had breast cancer, a heart attack, and now glaucoma. Neither her husband or her son (my STXAH) care about her at all and talk to her like she's worse then dirt (you can tell a lot about some men by the way they treat their mother). My STXAH never went to visit her in the hospital when she had treatment for her cancer (both breast had to be removed), when she had the heart attack, or when she had eye surgery (didn't even know what hospital she was in). I don't want to end up like that, treated worse then dirt. But I was on my way there.
When I look back, I can tell it was all abuse, but I didn't have the self esteem to realize that I didn't deserve such treatment.
He told the counselor that he wanted to be a good father and provide for us (bull). I've heard all of these promises before, but the counselor told me to give my STXAH a "chance" as he thought my STXAH wanted to change his life. My jaw dropped! He has charmed the socks off of the counselors and now they believe all of his promises and that he isn't an alcoholic, but just a "problem drinker". He can turn on the waterworks in therapy and act like Mr. Wonderful, but afterward it's off to the bar and his honeys. I will not be going back for "divorce" therapy there any time soon. What a crock!
It does hurt that he is rejecting me. Why, I don't know. It hurts like hell and I cry a lot now. I am scared about raising two boys by myself and how I will be able to hold it all together. I am really doubting that he ever loved me at all as the abuse started when we got back from our honeymoon. Of course, I was supposed to forget it all and was accused of holding grudges (according to him). But when the abuse starts and is ongoing and gets worse through the years, how are you supposed to forget it? It would be stupid to forget it. Over the summer he started throwing things and yelling horrible things to me - he said just to vent. I felt that I was the next thing he would vent on (I've read that that is how physical abuse happens, it progresses). He promised me he would never do that and tried to make me feel paranoid and guilty - didn't work. He is an abuser sober or drunk plan and simple. I should be glad to be rid of him, so why am I so sad???
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I guess I'm confused as to why the marriage therapy is continuing because it does not appear to me that it's bringing anything positive to the table for you right now.
I too was scared to be a single parent, and when I was pregnant with my youngest daughter and realized her father wasn't going to be there for her, I struggled a lot.
I made it through all those years, and often just taking it 5 minutes at a time. You can too! :ghug :ghug
I too was scared to be a single parent, and when I was pregnant with my youngest daughter and realized her father wasn't going to be there for her, I struggled a lot.
I made it through all those years, and often just taking it 5 minutes at a time. You can too! :ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
You feel sad because it's a sad situation. I feel sad some days too. Our divorce will be final on the 18th and STBXAH moved out yesterday. Mine did the same thing in counseling the 2 times we tried to go together, only my counselor is skilled with addiction and co-dependency so she didn't buy it. She got very confrontive with him and he didn't offer to go back.
I think you and I are a lot alike. Work on your self doubt, and learn to trust that inner voice. I am still a work in progress (aren't we all), but I have learned to listen to my heart. I learned that if my heart doesn't move then he is not genuine in his actions......emphasis on actions, because words come easy and can't be trusted. You WILL make it. You CAN raise 2 boys to be strong men......although they will ultimately have to make their own choices in life. Really, haven't you been raising 2 boys alone all along?!
I think you and I are a lot alike. Work on your self doubt, and learn to trust that inner voice. I am still a work in progress (aren't we all), but I have learned to listen to my heart. I learned that if my heart doesn't move then he is not genuine in his actions......emphasis on actions, because words come easy and can't be trusted. You WILL make it. You CAN raise 2 boys to be strong men......although they will ultimately have to make their own choices in life. Really, haven't you been raising 2 boys alone all along?!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
Thanks Freedom, good advice.
My brain is in knots. I guess it is common to be scared of facing all of this alone. I think that I was abused for so long that I don't have much confidence left sometimes, although sometimes I do. I am working on that. This is so hard for me! I pray to God daily for guidance and strength and I know he is in control.
We switched from marriage therapy to divorce therapy a few weeks ago, but your right, I'm not getting anything out of that either. The therapist said that if I wanted to meet again to call him, but he told STXAH to give me my space for a while. I did tell my STXAH not to call me unless he wants to discuss the kids. I don't want to speak to him right now as he makes me sick - really. I find him repulsive. He didn't decide he didn't want us back until about two weeks ago. Up until then he wanted us back really bad. I'm confused by it all, but had no plans to return to him ever anyway. I lost it in our meeting yesterday and cried hard and loud because it hurt so bad. All my STXAH said was don't you realize I'm hurting to, don't you think I care. To which I said I KNOW you don't care. Then he said kind of sarcastic "that's sad". I swear he is a narsissist. Mets all of the criteria.
My brain is in knots. I guess it is common to be scared of facing all of this alone. I think that I was abused for so long that I don't have much confidence left sometimes, although sometimes I do. I am working on that. This is so hard for me! I pray to God daily for guidance and strength and I know he is in control.
We switched from marriage therapy to divorce therapy a few weeks ago, but your right, I'm not getting anything out of that either. The therapist said that if I wanted to meet again to call him, but he told STXAH to give me my space for a while. I did tell my STXAH not to call me unless he wants to discuss the kids. I don't want to speak to him right now as he makes me sick - really. I find him repulsive. He didn't decide he didn't want us back until about two weeks ago. Up until then he wanted us back really bad. I'm confused by it all, but had no plans to return to him ever anyway. I lost it in our meeting yesterday and cried hard and loud because it hurt so bad. All my STXAH said was don't you realize I'm hurting to, don't you think I care. To which I said I KNOW you don't care. Then he said kind of sarcastic "that's sad". I swear he is a narsissist. Mets all of the criteria.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
Thanks Blessed. Yes, we are a lot alike. Yes I have been raising the boys all along really. Now, my mother is helping me and I don't have to worry about a mean drunk coming through the door demanding we bow down and worship him. I was a stay at home mom and trying to figure out how I'll make ends meet and have health insurance and dental for myself after all of this. How do you do it with four kids? You must be wonder woman.
I'm kind of overwelmed over all of the stuff I have to move. I'll get help with that. I've been through so much in the past year and am exhausted. I just need a rest!
I'm kind of overwelmed over all of the stuff I have to move. I'll get help with that. I've been through so much in the past year and am exhausted. I just need a rest!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
You don't need to hear that kind of crap from him. My heart hurts for you. It really does.
I understand all the doubts and not thinking you can do it by yourself.
If it weren't for the support of other people in recovery (AA and Alanon both), I have no idea how I would have gotten through it all.
I see a deeply caring and strong woman in your posts, and I pray that you come to believe in yourself some day as I have come to believe in myself! :ghug :ghug
I understand all the doubts and not thinking you can do it by yourself.
If it weren't for the support of other people in recovery (AA and Alanon both), I have no idea how I would have gotten through it all.
I see a deeply caring and strong woman in your posts, and I pray that you come to believe in yourself some day as I have come to believe in myself! :ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
You do need a rest, blondie, and you need a break from being beaten up in a professional setting, under somebody else's idea of "a healthy transition."
Doesn't sound healthy to YOU at all, and of course you're the only one (well, and the kids) that I worry about
Personally? I'd stop doing the thing that hurts you. You don't need to transition into divorce. You need to get away from this abuser so he no longer has a bully pulpit to bash you.
I would hazard a guess that as you put more days between yourself and that "therapy" session, as you keep posting here and keep taking care of yourself and moving forward, you will feel better with every passing day.
Sending you big hugs today
Doesn't sound healthy to YOU at all, and of course you're the only one (well, and the kids) that I worry about
Personally? I'd stop doing the thing that hurts you. You don't need to transition into divorce. You need to get away from this abuser so he no longer has a bully pulpit to bash you.
I would hazard a guess that as you put more days between yourself and that "therapy" session, as you keep posting here and keep taking care of yourself and moving forward, you will feel better with every passing day.
Sending you big hugs today
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I really hope you never have to hear this again!! The same BS over and over, no Blondie, you know better than whatever lies he tells himself and the twisted world HE lives in.
And I am glad you are getting far, far away from this man. He is an abuser all the way out and there is no excuse.
You deserve so much more from life and you are starting to seek it for yourself!! You are doing very well, I remember your other posts so I know you are making much progress, you are such an inspiration!!
Progress, not perfection, it is a bumpy road but we are with you
Those sessions, and anything that has to do with him are out!!
And I am glad you are getting far, far away from this man. He is an abuser all the way out and there is no excuse.
You deserve so much more from life and you are starting to seek it for yourself!! You are doing very well, I remember your other posts so I know you are making much progress, you are such an inspiration!!
Progress, not perfection, it is a bumpy road but we are with you
Those sessions, and anything that has to do with him are out!!
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
I think we tend to feel "Geez, this jerk of a loser doesn't want me, who in the world will???" especially since many of us have been belittled, told we're crazy, fat, undesirable, stupid, poor parents, terrible spouses, unstable, etc. We begin to believe them after a while.
Time away from his poison will clear your mind, and you'll realize (really realize) and see the lies he's been abusing you with all this time.
Time away from his poison will clear your mind, and you'll realize (really realize) and see the lies he's been abusing you with all this time.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 12
I have been dumped by a loser too. I took it very hard, especially when I found out that he was with a supposed friend of mine, even before he left me. I cried many a nights and was fearful to face the fact that it was over. It is not easy, but you will come out with a clearer vision about who you REALLY are, and it isnt even close to his distorted version of you. I was self confident when we first started dating, and slowly he chipped away at my self esteem, until I believed I needed this loser. I have found out I dont. I have peace of mind now, that is when I am not still steaming about what he and my friend did and the ways in which they justify it. I know it is only going to get better for me and for you. Keep moving forward. It will be okay.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Originally Posted by Blondie 
How do you do it with four kids? You must be wonder woman.
We're cheering for you!!!
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Who is this counselling benefiting really? It seems to me that he gets to assuage his guilt, unburden his responsibility, play pull you push you.. and you get to hear all the stuff you have no doubt heard throughout your relationship and feel crappy. And you probably get the privilege of paying for it?
It is not until you get out of the situation do you realise the damage done. But know this.. once you are out the other side it will be better. It after all cannot be any worse than living with an abusive A, right?
He has squished you down but you can rise back up. It is like being a deflated balloon being with an abusive man constantly pushing the air out.. but once he does not have the opportunity to do that anymore you can be revived. All the good things life has to offer will slowly breathe its air into you. You are stronger and more capable than you realise. You have survived this until now and once you cut the dead stuff away you will slowly flourish and grow.
It is natural to feel overwhelmed. It is natural to be scared. It is natural to be sad. But you are not alone. And what is more, you no longer have to be a target. Life has bigger and better things planned for you than to live with a man who gets drunk, abuses you mentally, emotionally and physically.
Lots of love to you… :ghug
It is not until you get out of the situation do you realise the damage done. But know this.. once you are out the other side it will be better. It after all cannot be any worse than living with an abusive A, right?
He has squished you down but you can rise back up. It is like being a deflated balloon being with an abusive man constantly pushing the air out.. but once he does not have the opportunity to do that anymore you can be revived. All the good things life has to offer will slowly breathe its air into you. You are stronger and more capable than you realise. You have survived this until now and once you cut the dead stuff away you will slowly flourish and grow.
It is natural to feel overwhelmed. It is natural to be scared. It is natural to be sad. But you are not alone. And what is more, you no longer have to be a target. Life has bigger and better things planned for you than to live with a man who gets drunk, abuses you mentally, emotionally and physically.
Lots of love to you… :ghug
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Blondie,
You are making things change in your life. That's wonderful. Good for you! You do not deserve the crap you've put up with for so long.
It's understandable that you are sad. It's like of like a death of your spouse. You were together and had a lot of hope and put an enormous effort into the relationship. I've followed your progress over the last year or so. You always seemed to think that if you tried a little harder, did things a little differently, that your husband would act like the loving, sweet, easy-going man you were once in love with.
Now, you are separated and having to look at the reality of the situation. That man is dead. The man who stands in front of you (hopefully not very often) is a shallow, egotistical, petty abuser. And that's being nice to him to call him only those adjectives.
You are having to say goodbye forever to your efforts, your dreams, your hopes for this man and this marriage. That is like death. And it is sad. Even if this death is well-deserved and long-overdue, it is still sad. Don't berate yourself for experiencing the sadness. Just know where it comes from. And be vigilant lest it turn into nostalgia.
BTW - I know of this because I have a bit of a jerk leaving me at the moment too.
Hang in there and know that you are stronger than you realize now. One day, you'll look back on this and be proud of yourself.
- Emilie
You are making things change in your life. That's wonderful. Good for you! You do not deserve the crap you've put up with for so long.
It's understandable that you are sad. It's like of like a death of your spouse. You were together and had a lot of hope and put an enormous effort into the relationship. I've followed your progress over the last year or so. You always seemed to think that if you tried a little harder, did things a little differently, that your husband would act like the loving, sweet, easy-going man you were once in love with.
Now, you are separated and having to look at the reality of the situation. That man is dead. The man who stands in front of you (hopefully not very often) is a shallow, egotistical, petty abuser. And that's being nice to him to call him only those adjectives.
You are having to say goodbye forever to your efforts, your dreams, your hopes for this man and this marriage. That is like death. And it is sad. Even if this death is well-deserved and long-overdue, it is still sad. Don't berate yourself for experiencing the sadness. Just know where it comes from. And be vigilant lest it turn into nostalgia.
BTW - I know of this because I have a bit of a jerk leaving me at the moment too.
Hang in there and know that you are stronger than you realize now. One day, you'll look back on this and be proud of yourself.
- Emilie
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
((mle)) feel free to vent or share around here too... writing helps a lot, and more when you are surrounded with the great people of SR
That is what a close friend told me, "what's up with MEN? they are becoming worse and worse each day. That market is never worth investing"
And he is a male!! LOL
Of course it was mockery, there are great men out there... George Clooney, for instance....
So far he is the one I "know", hope to add more to my list
That is what a close friend told me, "what's up with MEN? they are becoming worse and worse each day. That market is never worth investing"
And he is a male!! LOL
Of course it was mockery, there are great men out there... George Clooney, for instance....
So far he is the one I "know", hope to add more to my list
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
blondie-
the way i see it, some people are service-to self. others are service-to-others.
the characteristics of service-to-self is that they can be charming WHEN THEY WANT SOMETHING. this fools us (and others like your marriage counselor) but really, we have lived with them and we KNOW who they are when it becomes necessary for them to help out, support, nuture or be a man about their duties and responsibilities.
the service-to-other people can be clearly identified also. they are the ones with the chilren, the ones caring for the elderly, the ones pulling perhaps more than their weight.
follow your own gut instincts in this case. the service-to-self are very good at conning people, very good at putting on a "mask" of caring when it suits THEIR AGENDA or helps them get what they need.
naive
the way i see it, some people are service-to self. others are service-to-others.
the characteristics of service-to-self is that they can be charming WHEN THEY WANT SOMETHING. this fools us (and others like your marriage counselor) but really, we have lived with them and we KNOW who they are when it becomes necessary for them to help out, support, nuture or be a man about their duties and responsibilities.
the service-to-other people can be clearly identified also. they are the ones with the chilren, the ones caring for the elderly, the ones pulling perhaps more than their weight.
follow your own gut instincts in this case. the service-to-self are very good at conning people, very good at putting on a "mask" of caring when it suits THEIR AGENDA or helps them get what they need.
naive
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 182
Blondie (hugs)
Unfortunately, there is a sea full of counsellors that aren't adept at being able to look past the charm and see the manipulation. You really don't need a counsellor, you just need to trust your gut. And although he may be an N, and an A and whatever other label, what he is NOT is the loving and nurturing man you deserve. Unfortunately, I didn't leave soon enough and my teens and young adults have picked up many of his maladaptive behaviors. The sooner you distance yourself, the sooner you will find peace and the children will see you without his filter skewing the relationship.
My only piece of advice is to NEVER believe a word he says. Mine was going to make sure we were provided for....so he recently wrote me a rubber check for what reason?
We are here for you,
M
Unfortunately, there is a sea full of counsellors that aren't adept at being able to look past the charm and see the manipulation. You really don't need a counsellor, you just need to trust your gut. And although he may be an N, and an A and whatever other label, what he is NOT is the loving and nurturing man you deserve. Unfortunately, I didn't leave soon enough and my teens and young adults have picked up many of his maladaptive behaviors. The sooner you distance yourself, the sooner you will find peace and the children will see you without his filter skewing the relationship.
My only piece of advice is to NEVER believe a word he says. Mine was going to make sure we were provided for....so he recently wrote me a rubber check for what reason?
We are here for you,
M
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