What a difference a year makes!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 3
What a difference a year makes!
Hello
I was on here last year a lot. Always upset, always scared, always full of fear and doubt, always obsessing, always second guessing, always blaming, always feeling guilty, always up and down emotionally, always saying the same thing in a different way...I'm tired just remembering.
Everyone was lovely and supportive and strong and gave brilliant advice.
Well, I left my ex just under a year ago. He said he would be back in a few weeks........God, back then I cried so much as the weeks went on and I felt my self-worth disappear and now I laugh about it. Yes, as you can guess he is still in relapse and still in denial. I was obsessed he was going to kill himself, he may still, but after all this time apart I can now see his addiction had nothing to do with me, I did not cause it cause he is still doing it. Such a foolish boy.
I'd never really thought about co-dependency before meeting him but I realized through being with him that I had some very unhealthy habits.
Well, we seperated and I quickly fell apart. As well as mourn him I had to look at my own short comings and it was not very nice but I worked through it. Last year was dark, lonely and confusing but it passed.
Now? I don't contact him. I don't worry about him anymore. I don't feel responsible. I am dating again. I wake up each day and feel happy that I don't have that in my home anymore. I feel healthy. I am so grateful I got out. Everything in my life feels positive and abundant. My circle of friends has grown and Im more confident too. I laugh a lot! I used to define myself through others, now I define myself.
Why am I saying this? I just want to share that it can get better if you build up the courage to leave it behind. Everyone's circumstances are different I know but for any girl or boy who connects with this post in some way do yourself and them a favour and get out cause if you don't they won't bring you anywhere but down with them. Love them more by saying no and meaning it and give yourself the life and happiness you deserve.
:ghug
I was on here last year a lot. Always upset, always scared, always full of fear and doubt, always obsessing, always second guessing, always blaming, always feeling guilty, always up and down emotionally, always saying the same thing in a different way...I'm tired just remembering.
Everyone was lovely and supportive and strong and gave brilliant advice.
Well, I left my ex just under a year ago. He said he would be back in a few weeks........God, back then I cried so much as the weeks went on and I felt my self-worth disappear and now I laugh about it. Yes, as you can guess he is still in relapse and still in denial. I was obsessed he was going to kill himself, he may still, but after all this time apart I can now see his addiction had nothing to do with me, I did not cause it cause he is still doing it. Such a foolish boy.
I'd never really thought about co-dependency before meeting him but I realized through being with him that I had some very unhealthy habits.
Well, we seperated and I quickly fell apart. As well as mourn him I had to look at my own short comings and it was not very nice but I worked through it. Last year was dark, lonely and confusing but it passed.
Now? I don't contact him. I don't worry about him anymore. I don't feel responsible. I am dating again. I wake up each day and feel happy that I don't have that in my home anymore. I feel healthy. I am so grateful I got out. Everything in my life feels positive and abundant. My circle of friends has grown and Im more confident too. I laugh a lot! I used to define myself through others, now I define myself.
Why am I saying this? I just want to share that it can get better if you build up the courage to leave it behind. Everyone's circumstances are different I know but for any girl or boy who connects with this post in some way do yourself and them a favour and get out cause if you don't they won't bring you anywhere but down with them. Love them more by saying no and meaning it and give yourself the life and happiness you deserve.
:ghug
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i am so glad you are doing so good. recovery is a wonderful thing. you have grown & i can see you are so much happier. thanks for coming back & letting all know there is life with recovery. hugs,
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: london
Posts: 30
Thank you for this post today. I am taking it as a great big arrow flashing pulsing overhead pointing me straight along a path I have been turning circles at the begining of. I feel the way you describe yourself , a year ago. I have read enough here last few months to know what the probable outcome is if I stay with active addict in denial. I must have learned something because few months ago I didn't even have the faintest idea what any of those words meant.
What they meant to me was that I started going round the bend, because I was being lied to.I played detective - got my evidence to know I was being crapped on, got envious that he had option to do that when I had responsibilities to my children to not switch off at end of day at work .Got my self esteem kicked about thinking why would he chose that instead of me ( why should he? his choice right?) Thought about joining the madness more. CAme to this site over and over and over...
Got tough with my self.
So, today, you have reinforced my strength to do another day NO CONTACT. I don't want to whip myself with all the lovely memories/ hopes .....because iin all honesty to myself then I have to also remember equally the last three years of disturbed behaviour (coke psychosis anyone??) , threat to life , disregard for life / law that has taken over.
Doesn't mean the great person wasn't there, and that we didn't share those things, and who am I to suppose that I have any control over that continuing or something else taking its place.
I really need to give up. Let go. and not see that as good or bad, just what is. pain of it is just the pain of it. IT HURTS and is scary but I have been doing it alone for years now anyway so all I will lose in hard terms is the insanity...Don't know why I am not running, its like pulling teeth with me
talking it over. Trying to listen to my truth.
Thank you for showing me the path with flashing lights.:ghug3
What they meant to me was that I started going round the bend, because I was being lied to.I played detective - got my evidence to know I was being crapped on, got envious that he had option to do that when I had responsibilities to my children to not switch off at end of day at work .Got my self esteem kicked about thinking why would he chose that instead of me ( why should he? his choice right?) Thought about joining the madness more. CAme to this site over and over and over...
Got tough with my self.
So, today, you have reinforced my strength to do another day NO CONTACT. I don't want to whip myself with all the lovely memories/ hopes .....because iin all honesty to myself then I have to also remember equally the last three years of disturbed behaviour (coke psychosis anyone??) , threat to life , disregard for life / law that has taken over.
Doesn't mean the great person wasn't there, and that we didn't share those things, and who am I to suppose that I have any control over that continuing or something else taking its place.
I really need to give up. Let go. and not see that as good or bad, just what is. pain of it is just the pain of it. IT HURTS and is scary but I have been doing it alone for years now anyway so all I will lose in hard terms is the insanity...Don't know why I am not running, its like pulling teeth with me
talking it over. Trying to listen to my truth.
Thank you for showing me the path with flashing lights.:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 3
Oh Lovely lady. Yes, playing detective can make you really sick. And the more you play it, the more sick you get, the more into the blame game you get, the more you lose yourself and your life to being sucked into his. Your life becomes all about trying to control and manage him and his. This is not healthy babe and it isn't fair. But that is addiction. When they are in addiction they are not the people we love, they don't know how to love for they do not love themselves. They are lost but it is their choice as is recovery. The more you pick up the pieces for an addict, the more they will let you. They will bleed you dry. God, it sounds horrible but that is what it does to them. That's why we need to help them by saying no and meaning it. If he comes out of it he will thank you for it and if he doesn't then it would have happened anyway. That is harsh but that is reality.
You really don't see how much it takes you even until you have time to step back and even that will take time in itself as you will need to heal and recover. That's why it is so important for you to do. You are partially sick as the partner and/or co-dependent but you still have a sound mind. They are lost completely to it. It takes strength to say NO. It shows more love than sticking around to keep fighting each other. Fighting him gives him a reason to keep rebelling, denying, escaping and blaming you.
Walking away gives him freedom initially to do as much as he wants but eventually he will be left with himself only....The fear keeps us there but at what cost? Two destroyed people instead of one? What about your children? If I had stayed with my ex I would still be there now. He said he would stop in a few weeks......They will stop when they want. It is so hard to accept but the choice is theirs.
About their choice of that over us? Yes, that hurts. But have you asked yourself why YOU allow that? 3 years is a long time to wait and yes over time you get more conditioned to things but that voice telling you you are worth more babe is still present because you are. We all are if we really BELIEVE it. Maybe you need to love yourself a little more too.
Letting go is scary, it does hurt and it will get worse before it gets better but babe it really does get better. You already know how the last 3 years have been, do you need another 3? Make a fresh start or better still get back to who YOU are/were. We are all responsible for ourselves and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You can have all the happiness you want, if you want it and if you believe you deserve it. The only person to make you unhappy is you just as the only person to make an addict relapse is him/herself.
I don't want to be hard on you, I hope it doesn't come across like that.
You will be ok. You will come out the other side. Go to meetings, see a counsellor, meditate, walk, read, swim, dance, but be active and keep yourself busy. You are so wrapped up in him that it is gonna take time to unravel all those binds.
Good luck xxxx
You really don't see how much it takes you even until you have time to step back and even that will take time in itself as you will need to heal and recover. That's why it is so important for you to do. You are partially sick as the partner and/or co-dependent but you still have a sound mind. They are lost completely to it. It takes strength to say NO. It shows more love than sticking around to keep fighting each other. Fighting him gives him a reason to keep rebelling, denying, escaping and blaming you.
Walking away gives him freedom initially to do as much as he wants but eventually he will be left with himself only....The fear keeps us there but at what cost? Two destroyed people instead of one? What about your children? If I had stayed with my ex I would still be there now. He said he would stop in a few weeks......They will stop when they want. It is so hard to accept but the choice is theirs.
About their choice of that over us? Yes, that hurts. But have you asked yourself why YOU allow that? 3 years is a long time to wait and yes over time you get more conditioned to things but that voice telling you you are worth more babe is still present because you are. We all are if we really BELIEVE it. Maybe you need to love yourself a little more too.
Letting go is scary, it does hurt and it will get worse before it gets better but babe it really does get better. You already know how the last 3 years have been, do you need another 3? Make a fresh start or better still get back to who YOU are/were. We are all responsible for ourselves and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You can have all the happiness you want, if you want it and if you believe you deserve it. The only person to make you unhappy is you just as the only person to make an addict relapse is him/herself.
I don't want to be hard on you, I hope it doesn't come across like that.
You will be ok. You will come out the other side. Go to meetings, see a counsellor, meditate, walk, read, swim, dance, but be active and keep yourself busy. You are so wrapped up in him that it is gonna take time to unravel all those binds.
Good luck xxxx
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Thanks for sharing your story of recovery! It is difficult to see the light when one is in darkness, but by being the light (through your words and experience) I know that you are helping many walk toward the joy that life can be and away from the insanity of be emeshed in the life of an active addict.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: london
Posts: 30
thank you for yr thoughtful reply. I am really inspired by yr happiness and sense of yourself. I have been thinking carefully about what you have said.
The time I allowed this to go on is substantial and I do need to question why/what I thought the outcome might be. I know that my life circumstances a few years ago were extreme: I had emigrated to USA , but returned to England to care for my mum who unexpectedly had a stroke within 2 months of our move, which damaged her frontal lobes- she never came out of hospital and died 18 months later. My long term (20 year) partner decided to stay in USA, his family is based in area we moved to. I returned to London and kids came with me after me coming back and forth to see mum, took a few months to see that things weren't getting better so I thought I should be home while she died. There were visa complications with my partner and I not being married, which meant the kids could stay but not rtavel out, same for me . I chose to return home and put them in school here. I had a one year old, 7 year old, 1o year old. I have no extended family and felt very stretched.
Enter abf - friend from over last 5 years , knew landlord of pub around corner from my studio-'nice man' - strong, dependable, good job , own finances , and yes please, why shouldn't I go out once a week for drink/ dinner... he would buy nappies(!) , drop of fruit for kids- always ask if there was anything I needed. He pushed to move in, let him pay for things, - I thought we had been through so much turmoil it was important to keep my unit with kids. I pay my stuff- rent, kids, bills......He keep his stuff seperate ( felt crazy for this, as he- senior construction director earned 10 times what I did). I kept doing my job - I am an artist, I paint things, sell them - it is hand to mouth, vulnerable as hell, but I am around bringing up my kids, some terms I teach..we are ok.... but I fell in love with having adult time with this man - felt sexy, cared about--- and once a week - how are you going to know that this high functioning professional is a drug addict - it took a while .....it took getting to the point where yes, I would like him to move in and we move forward...... then the turn came and then the last three years have been like the worst pages read from SR - ...... the only re assuring thing in last few months has been reading identical experiences- even down to the type of hallucinations- for me to start having a grasp of what is going on, an realize I am not insane, creating it all in my head ( as I am told).
I have kept my boundaries- the physical ones- he didn't move in , came close, when his house got repoed few months back - used every manipulation going then - but too late, by that time I had SUPER SR knowledge, which means the kids have had distance from it. But my emotional insides have been ripped - who can you trust? what happens to the lovely guy , that professional upfront person that the world sees? His job doesn't know, his family doesn't know. I now know why such a handsome capable caring prof man is still single at 42... not that he's a rogue, who never found anyone to tame him crap- he's an addict, bigtime - huge hitting, huge expense, and he will die from it, and i can't spend another night lying with him thinking it will be tonight.
That took a few years of learning, with all other parts of life going on.......but I am there now.
And finally admitting it to myself means I can't hide any more.
Thank you for yr words. I will be on the other side of this part of life.
a big hug from a lovely lady.
The time I allowed this to go on is substantial and I do need to question why/what I thought the outcome might be. I know that my life circumstances a few years ago were extreme: I had emigrated to USA , but returned to England to care for my mum who unexpectedly had a stroke within 2 months of our move, which damaged her frontal lobes- she never came out of hospital and died 18 months later. My long term (20 year) partner decided to stay in USA, his family is based in area we moved to. I returned to London and kids came with me after me coming back and forth to see mum, took a few months to see that things weren't getting better so I thought I should be home while she died. There were visa complications with my partner and I not being married, which meant the kids could stay but not rtavel out, same for me . I chose to return home and put them in school here. I had a one year old, 7 year old, 1o year old. I have no extended family and felt very stretched.
Enter abf - friend from over last 5 years , knew landlord of pub around corner from my studio-'nice man' - strong, dependable, good job , own finances , and yes please, why shouldn't I go out once a week for drink/ dinner... he would buy nappies(!) , drop of fruit for kids- always ask if there was anything I needed. He pushed to move in, let him pay for things, - I thought we had been through so much turmoil it was important to keep my unit with kids. I pay my stuff- rent, kids, bills......He keep his stuff seperate ( felt crazy for this, as he- senior construction director earned 10 times what I did). I kept doing my job - I am an artist, I paint things, sell them - it is hand to mouth, vulnerable as hell, but I am around bringing up my kids, some terms I teach..we are ok.... but I fell in love with having adult time with this man - felt sexy, cared about--- and once a week - how are you going to know that this high functioning professional is a drug addict - it took a while .....it took getting to the point where yes, I would like him to move in and we move forward...... then the turn came and then the last three years have been like the worst pages read from SR - ...... the only re assuring thing in last few months has been reading identical experiences- even down to the type of hallucinations- for me to start having a grasp of what is going on, an realize I am not insane, creating it all in my head ( as I am told).
I have kept my boundaries- the physical ones- he didn't move in , came close, when his house got repoed few months back - used every manipulation going then - but too late, by that time I had SUPER SR knowledge, which means the kids have had distance from it. But my emotional insides have been ripped - who can you trust? what happens to the lovely guy , that professional upfront person that the world sees? His job doesn't know, his family doesn't know. I now know why such a handsome capable caring prof man is still single at 42... not that he's a rogue, who never found anyone to tame him crap- he's an addict, bigtime - huge hitting, huge expense, and he will die from it, and i can't spend another night lying with him thinking it will be tonight.
That took a few years of learning, with all other parts of life going on.......but I am there now.
And finally admitting it to myself means I can't hide any more.
Thank you for yr words. I will be on the other side of this part of life.
a big hug from a lovely lady.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Hello
I am so happy that one more CODIE has seen the light and "walked" towards it! Good for you!
Isn't it amazing what happens when you finally "let go!" I think this is the lesson our higher power is trying to teach us, but we just have such a difficult time listening and staying on track.
Anyway, once again, congratulations on taking back your life! I am so happy for you.
Hugs, Devastated
Isn't it amazing what happens when you finally "let go!" I think this is the lesson our higher power is trying to teach us, but we just have such a difficult time listening and staying on track.
Anyway, once again, congratulations on taking back your life! I am so happy for you.
Hugs, Devastated
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 3
Oh Lovely Lady. I am so happy for you that you are getting to a better place.
You know today when I was out running I thought about how I used to go on in all my posts about "he's in denial", "I can't believe he is choosing this over his health/ us/our future", "he keeps breaking his promise", "how can he be so weak?" etc etc.
I used to go on about him all the time. I didn't realize how much I invited his sickness to affect me too. But by refusing to say no and mean it I had given in to his addiction as much as him. By continuing to tolerate it I had chosen it over my health and our future as well. By continuing not to leave him I kept breaking my word and so of course I too was weak to his addiction. I can see it now of course. That's how cunning addiction is. Saying no to an addict is saying no only to the addiction not the person trapped by it inside.
Anyway, that's not entirely relevant to what I wanted to say to you today.
I am really glad that you are moving away from this now. Everything does happen for a reason and as much as this has caused pain, it will pass and you will learn from it I am sure. Thanks for feeling you could share here. There are some really amazing people here who will support you all the way. Try and go to a few meetings too if you can in the early days. I resisted them to start but they really helped me......even if only to never have to go again. I mean that in the best possible way, in that they showed me the kind of turbulence I would have to endure in the future/be open to enduring again in the future and I just thought ...no more pain thanks, I am already hurting enough.
Do you know the best thing about not thinking about him anymore???? You start to think about YOU! For better or worse you again will be the centre of your world and your own work of art to shape as you wish. Instead of starting every sentence with "he" it will be "I". Instead of wishing he would change you ask yourself what do I want/need to change about me/my life? I swear babe once you get going there will be no stopping you. I think part of why we stay sometimes is because we are scared to look at ourselves. It is always easier to say why someone or something else is the cause of our unhappiness. The longer we stick around to put someone else right the less we have to look at what is wrong within ourselves. That was just my experience anyway of being the partner of an addict.
The only person you can trust 100% is yourself babe. I think the key to happiness is getting to a place called content within so that nothing outside of you can touch that.
I hope the no contact is going ok. If you want you can pm me any time ok.
xxx
You know today when I was out running I thought about how I used to go on in all my posts about "he's in denial", "I can't believe he is choosing this over his health/ us/our future", "he keeps breaking his promise", "how can he be so weak?" etc etc.
I used to go on about him all the time. I didn't realize how much I invited his sickness to affect me too. But by refusing to say no and mean it I had given in to his addiction as much as him. By continuing to tolerate it I had chosen it over my health and our future as well. By continuing not to leave him I kept breaking my word and so of course I too was weak to his addiction. I can see it now of course. That's how cunning addiction is. Saying no to an addict is saying no only to the addiction not the person trapped by it inside.
Anyway, that's not entirely relevant to what I wanted to say to you today.
I am really glad that you are moving away from this now. Everything does happen for a reason and as much as this has caused pain, it will pass and you will learn from it I am sure. Thanks for feeling you could share here. There are some really amazing people here who will support you all the way. Try and go to a few meetings too if you can in the early days. I resisted them to start but they really helped me......even if only to never have to go again. I mean that in the best possible way, in that they showed me the kind of turbulence I would have to endure in the future/be open to enduring again in the future and I just thought ...no more pain thanks, I am already hurting enough.
Do you know the best thing about not thinking about him anymore???? You start to think about YOU! For better or worse you again will be the centre of your world and your own work of art to shape as you wish. Instead of starting every sentence with "he" it will be "I". Instead of wishing he would change you ask yourself what do I want/need to change about me/my life? I swear babe once you get going there will be no stopping you. I think part of why we stay sometimes is because we are scared to look at ourselves. It is always easier to say why someone or something else is the cause of our unhappiness. The longer we stick around to put someone else right the less we have to look at what is wrong within ourselves. That was just my experience anyway of being the partner of an addict.
The only person you can trust 100% is yourself babe. I think the key to happiness is getting to a place called content within so that nothing outside of you can touch that.
I hope the no contact is going ok. If you want you can pm me any time ok.
xxx
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: london
Posts: 30
thank you hope. Still no contact, day by day. no smoke screen to avoid looking at what makes me vulnerable , and working that out. Truely grateful for yr caring , helpful words, and taking the time. It really helps, although I don't have words to say quite how much. I don't feel so alone in what I have experienced, I guess.
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