Woahhhhh
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Woahhhhh
Ok.. this feels weird.. but it has been 10/11 weeks since I last saw, spoke to or communicated with the X(r)ABF.
And now I'm having these strange feelings. I'm.. *gulp*.. missing him..
Last week I had my first real feelings of anger due to the legal situation I find myself in because of what he has done. I felt angry because it is dragging on and not in some small part because of his seeming 'inability' to step up to the plate and put his hands up to it.
Over the weekend that started to wane and it has been replaced by an overwhelming desire to see him, talk to him and a feeling of missing him and 'us'.
The sane part of me (lol) my head is telling me what the hell is there to miss.. but then there it is... a pining. This is all topsy-turvey. For the entire time from leaving until now I've felt no pangs, no longing, no yearning. I've felt indifferent. Now, out of the blue, this.. it is madness.
I've not acted on it.. thank goodness.
Anyone else been a bit 'backwards' when they split from their A?
And now I'm having these strange feelings. I'm.. *gulp*.. missing him..
Last week I had my first real feelings of anger due to the legal situation I find myself in because of what he has done. I felt angry because it is dragging on and not in some small part because of his seeming 'inability' to step up to the plate and put his hands up to it.
Over the weekend that started to wane and it has been replaced by an overwhelming desire to see him, talk to him and a feeling of missing him and 'us'.
The sane part of me (lol) my head is telling me what the hell is there to miss.. but then there it is... a pining. This is all topsy-turvey. For the entire time from leaving until now I've felt no pangs, no longing, no yearning. I've felt indifferent. Now, out of the blue, this.. it is madness.
I've not acted on it.. thank goodness.
Anyone else been a bit 'backwards' when they split from their A?
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Peak District UK
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i've been going backwards since my wife left yesterday,feel relieved she's gone but miss her like crazy and want to visit her even though i know she's still drinking,got to be strong though,i know seperation is the only way and to see her would be madness,my head knows what to do but my heart is telling me something else.good luck
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It's a killer isn't it. I did not expect to miss him. The man who played games with me and finally put me in Hospital. Never. It is a complete curve ball.
I suppose it is a matter of just toughing it out. Like you say.. head says one thing, heart says another.
Good luck to you too :ghug
I suppose it is a matter of just toughing it out. Like you say.. head says one thing, heart says another.
Good luck to you too :ghug
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Mourning an AH is complex, this is just part of the "package" as long as you do not act on it... you are safe 
of course we miss the good "hims"... if they had always behaved badly all this would be much easier!!
For me it sucked and still sucks seeing his body around, I used to get sad thinking he was the "good guy". But I used this meditation to put this to rest: I imagined I attended the funeral of the "good him". As vivid as possible, all my tears, his friends, family in black.. starting from waking up and dressing myself in black...EVERYTHING. I did this and keep on doing it, to teach my brain the guy is gone... and to allow the mourning for the good times lost.
After a while the longing turns to thankfulness for having lived good moments at all before addiction progressed.
Hang in there tallulah, you are doing very well!! cry and journal if you need, talk to a friend, keep posting... this too shall pass (((we love you very much)))
of course we miss the good "hims"... if they had always behaved badly all this would be much easier!!For me it sucked and still sucks seeing his body around, I used to get sad thinking he was the "good guy". But I used this meditation to put this to rest: I imagined I attended the funeral of the "good him". As vivid as possible, all my tears, his friends, family in black.. starting from waking up and dressing myself in black...EVERYTHING. I did this and keep on doing it, to teach my brain the guy is gone... and to allow the mourning for the good times lost.
After a while the longing turns to thankfulness for having lived good moments at all before addiction progressed.
Hang in there tallulah, you are doing very well!! cry and journal if you need, talk to a friend, keep posting... this too shall pass (((we love you very much)))
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It helped me a lot to break it down into the things I actually missed.
I certainly did not miss the person who did such terrible things to me.
But I did miss:
--the feeling of being that close to someone
--the comfort that comes from being together for a while and knowing each other
--the companionship that feels so good sometimes
--the individual traits that pleased me so: sense of humor, intelligence, etc.
And what label did I stick on this package of things that I missed?
His face, of course. The face of my abuser.
But really, as I worked through it with my counselor, I missed the things, and the inner feelings I wanted to have again. These are all legitimate things to want, and you will have them again. Only this time they won't put you in Hospital, tallulah
I certainly did not miss the person who did such terrible things to me.
But I did miss:
--the feeling of being that close to someone
--the comfort that comes from being together for a while and knowing each other
--the companionship that feels so good sometimes
--the individual traits that pleased me so: sense of humor, intelligence, etc.
And what label did I stick on this package of things that I missed?
His face, of course. The face of my abuser.
But really, as I worked through it with my counselor, I missed the things, and the inner feelings I wanted to have again. These are all legitimate things to want, and you will have them again. Only this time they won't put you in Hospital, tallulah
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 182
I get in those places.....I love him, it's only natural. But then I focus, or some would say obsess, on those horrible awful selfish twisted rotten things he did and does and then the reality slaps me. I spend the time remembering and being grateful for all the worry free sweet times we spent together, and when the few minutes it takes me to recount those is over, I am over missing him!
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Posts: 5,103
I think having those feelings are very normal. The farther away we get so does our memory of the “horrible bad times” leaving those few moments of the good times in our minds especially when we are feeling lonely and sad.
What I have learned for myself is, those good times were ok good, not great because somehow addiction was still apart of them.
The best think I can suggest is when you begin to have those thoughts and feelings, as said above DON’T ACT ON THEM. Instead come here or talk to a friend or just sit and see what else you are feeling, like sad or lonely.
I know for me weekends and nights we were the worse in the beginning after the end of the relationship because I never learned how to like being alone with myself let along enjoy it. Today that is very different and I cherish my alone time……..
What I have learned for myself is, those good times were ok good, not great because somehow addiction was still apart of them.
The best think I can suggest is when you begin to have those thoughts and feelings, as said above DON’T ACT ON THEM. Instead come here or talk to a friend or just sit and see what else you are feeling, like sad or lonely.
I know for me weekends and nights we were the worse in the beginning after the end of the relationship because I never learned how to like being alone with myself let along enjoy it. Today that is very different and I cherish my alone time……..
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TC is right. All people, even alcoholics, have their good points. Many times I have found myself missing certain things about my X. I would never have married him if it weren't for those good points.
For me, it's a natural progression to go from anger and resentment to compassion. The ability to see the good, without forgetting the bad, is a step forward, not back. From there, I could work on the idea that 'some' good is not good enough. I could discover the part of me that settled for the crumbs and find out why. I could nurture and strengthen the wounded, vulnerable little girl inside me that was willing to trade her soul for a morsel of affection. And I could do it with compassion, for myself AND for the A in my life.
L
For me, it's a natural progression to go from anger and resentment to compassion. The ability to see the good, without forgetting the bad, is a step forward, not back. From there, I could work on the idea that 'some' good is not good enough. I could discover the part of me that settled for the crumbs and find out why. I could nurture and strengthen the wounded, vulnerable little girl inside me that was willing to trade her soul for a morsel of affection. And I could do it with compassion, for myself AND for the A in my life.
L
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 
Mourning an AH is complex, this is just part of the "package" as long as you do not act on it... you are safe of course we miss the good "hims"... if they had always behaved badly all this would be much easier!!
For me it sucked and still sucks seeing his body around, I used to get sad thinking he was the "good guy". But I used this meditation to put this to rest: I imagined I attended the funeral of the "good him". As vivid as possible, all my tears, his friends, family in black.. starting from waking up and dressing myself in black...EVERYTHING. I did this and keep on doing it, to teach my brain the guy is gone... and to allow the mourning for the good times lost.
After a while the longing turns to thankfulness for having lived good moments at all before addiction progressed.
Hang in there tallulah, you are doing very well!! cry and journal if you need, talk to a friend, keep posting... this too shall pass (((we love you very much)))
of course we miss the good "hims"... if they had always behaved badly all this would be much easier!!For me it sucked and still sucks seeing his body around, I used to get sad thinking he was the "good guy". But I used this meditation to put this to rest: I imagined I attended the funeral of the "good him". As vivid as possible, all my tears, his friends, family in black.. starting from waking up and dressing myself in black...EVERYTHING. I did this and keep on doing it, to teach my brain the guy is gone... and to allow the mourning for the good times lost.
After a while the longing turns to thankfulness for having lived good moments at all before addiction progressed.
Hang in there tallulah, you are doing very well!! cry and journal if you need, talk to a friend, keep posting... this too shall pass (((we love you very much)))
I had already said goodbye to the mirage I fell in love with. Thought fondly of the good times and the good qualities he had but in the same way you do when a loved one passes over. In fact.. and this is going to sound weird.. but to me he had 'died'.. like he was physically removed from this planet.
And now... out of the blue and for no apparent reason... resurrection. It's crazy.. lol..
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Originally Posted by GiveLove
It helped me a lot to break it down into the things I actually missed.
I certainly did not miss the person who did such terrible things to me.
But I did miss:
--the feeling of being that close to someone
--the comfort that comes from being together for a while and knowing each other
--the companionship that feels so good sometimes
--the individual traits that pleased me so: sense of humor, intelligence, etc.
And what label did I stick on this package of things that I missed?
His face, of course. The face of my abuser.
But really, as I worked through it with my counselor, I missed the things, and the inner feelings I wanted to have again. These are all legitimate things to want, and you will have them again. Only this time they won't put you in Hospital, tallulah
I certainly did not miss the person who did such terrible things to me.
But I did miss:
--the feeling of being that close to someone
--the comfort that comes from being together for a while and knowing each other
--the companionship that feels so good sometimes
--the individual traits that pleased me so: sense of humor, intelligence, etc.
And what label did I stick on this package of things that I missed?
His face, of course. The face of my abuser.
But really, as I worked through it with my counselor, I missed the things, and the inner feelings I wanted to have again. These are all legitimate things to want, and you will have them again. Only this time they won't put you in Hospital, tallulah
I'm going to sound so cold... but with previous relationships, I've had a period of mourning and then dusted myself off and never thought I couldn't be close to anyone again or think that I couldn't find someone who made me laugh like they did etc etc . I always have and quite often the next relationship brought something else to the table so I've always been a little 'c'est la vie' and never really gone backwards and missed someone after acceptance. So this is a bit of a shocker!
Thank you GL. And you are right.. I can have them and more and not end up in surgery or a court room! :ghug
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Originally Posted by FunnyOne
I get in those places.....I love him, it's only natural. But then I focus, or some would say obsess, on those horrible awful selfish twisted rotten things he did and does and then the reality slaps me. I spend the time remembering and being grateful for all the worry free sweet times we spent together, and when the few minutes it takes me to recount those is over, I am over missing him!
Every day when showering and washing my hair takes twice as long. Every day when getting dressed physically hurts. Every day when I can't grip a coffee mug with my left hand. Every day when I catch my face in a mirror and see the scar he left on my cheek. Every day when I put my hand out for change at a counter and someone asks me how I got the scar that runs the base of my thunb and down towards my wrist.
That's what makes this whole thing so bonkers.
(I must find a crazy lady boggling eyes smilie).
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Originally Posted by atalose
I think having those feelings are very normal. The farther away we get so does our memory of the “horrible bad times” leaving those few moments of the good times in our minds especially when we are feeling lonely and sad.
What I have learned for myself is, those good times were ok good, not great because somehow addiction was still apart of them.
The best think I can suggest is when you begin to have those thoughts and feelings, as said above DON’T ACT ON THEM. Instead come here or talk to a friend or just sit and see what else you are feeling, like sad or lonely.
I know for me weekends and nights we were the worse in the beginning after the end of the relationship because I never learned how to like being alone with myself let along enjoy it. Today that is very different and I cherish my alone time……..
What I have learned for myself is, those good times were ok good, not great because somehow addiction was still apart of them.
The best think I can suggest is when you begin to have those thoughts and feelings, as said above DON’T ACT ON THEM. Instead come here or talk to a friend or just sit and see what else you are feeling, like sad or lonely.
I know for me weekends and nights we were the worse in the beginning after the end of the relationship because I never learned how to like being alone with myself let along enjoy it. Today that is very different and I cherish my alone time……..
I'm hardly alone at the moment. No chance to feel lonely or miss company. In fact.. if I'm honest.. I'm looking forward to being alone and any time I can get alone I absolutely love it.
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
TC is right. All people, even alcoholics, have their good points. Many times I have found myself missing certain things about my X. I would never have married him if it weren't for those good points.
For me, it's a natural progression to go from anger and resentment to compassion. The ability to see the good, without forgetting the bad, is a step forward, not back. From there, I could work on the idea that 'some' good is not good enough. I could discover the part of me that settled for the crumbs and find out why. I could nurture and strengthen the wounded, vulnerable little girl inside me that was willing to trade her soul for a morsel of affection. And I could do it with compassion, for myself AND for the A in my life.
L
For me, it's a natural progression to go from anger and resentment to compassion. The ability to see the good, without forgetting the bad, is a step forward, not back. From there, I could work on the idea that 'some' good is not good enough. I could discover the part of me that settled for the crumbs and find out why. I could nurture and strengthen the wounded, vulnerable little girl inside me that was willing to trade her soul for a morsel of affection. And I could do it with compassion, for myself AND for the A in my life.
L
Of course the banquet was just to get me in the door. Like a place offering fabulous buffets for a fixed ticket.. you walk in and see the groaning table full of everything your little heart desires and you can stay there for 5 minutes, but then you are ushered into a back room with a few bowls of pretzels and peanuts and if you're lucky the occasional vol au vents. You hang around with the meagre offerings thinking 'this can't be right.. maybe I'm here just for a short while as they load up the banquet outside with even more goodies.. I'll just hang around and wait for them to usher me back'.
But you never get ushered back.. the most you get is a peek around the door sometimes.
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
maybe cuz today it's relatively SAFE for these feelings to come to the surface?
Do you mean safe as in they will not get squashed by him or by me pushing them away to arms length in order not to feel them and get even more hurt by the A's actions/omissions?
Or safe that it has been a couple of months and I'm in a stronger position to cope with them?
Or another kind of safe?
brilliant lol...
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I remember having much the same feelings about my AXGF after she finally left. At first they were very confusing and upsetting. As time went on, though, those feelings came up less frequently and with less power. Moreover, as I had the time and space to think (rather than reacting to the latest crisis) it gave me the chance to really consider what those feelings were really about. The feelings were nothing to do with the actual person she was and is, but much more to do with the fantasy I had about the person I thought she was.
When I was feeling like I was missing her I'd sit down and write about my feelings and the memories or events that had triggered those feelings. It was very instructive to then read those thoughts the following day, or the following week, and spot where the twisted thinking was or were I was forgetting who she really was.
I think we all know the sadness of these kinds of feelings and how confused they can leave you feeling. It does get better. As ever, give it time and give yourself permission to feel and to grieve. But do engage brain before heart when deciding on what, if anything, you're going to do about those feelings
Mr B.
When I was feeling like I was missing her I'd sit down and write about my feelings and the memories or events that had triggered those feelings. It was very instructive to then read those thoughts the following day, or the following week, and spot where the twisted thinking was or were I was forgetting who she really was.
I think we all know the sadness of these kinds of feelings and how confused they can leave you feeling. It does get better. As ever, give it time and give yourself permission to feel and to grieve. But do engage brain before heart when deciding on what, if anything, you're going to do about those feelings
Mr B.
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Hi Tallulah,
I'd better keep this thread handy for next week, when my ABF leaves on May 31st. I'll have to remember that I'll miss the qualities he HAD 20 years ago (or did he...?), the things, traits, feelings...not necessarily him. It does help that he works as a waiter and although said his goal was to to get a day job, he just got a second waiter job - my evenings are lonely and empty, so he's not around anyway. What's there to miss?
Let's see:
Him coming home at 1-2am, sometimes 3 am?
Him taking hour-long showers during which I feel the urge to wake up and search his stuff?
The urge to get up and search his stuff?
The wondering if he's really using me?
The smells of alcohol and Nyquil?
Him sleeping on the air mattress with the TV on all night?
Him not contributing to our expenses?
Him giving me $20-100 every three weeks, like he's doing me a favor?
Him going out at 11pm if he's off from work, like he couldn't go out during the day?
Him laying on the air mattress all evening if he's not working that night?
Him eating a heavy meal and coming straight to bed, as he's swallowing his last bite?
I could go on. But I'm tired of talking about him.
Tallulah, if you thought about the real qualities he possesses, what he really brought to the table, that may help. The crumbs of affection. I got that from Toby Drews' book "Getting Them Sober". Did you keep a diary? Maybe you can get a notebook and list all the terrible things he did. And how he undid the nice things he did for you. And refer to that book when you feel weak. It's only human to long for what we want, how we want it. That's why I want my salad dressing on the side. I want what I want, how I want it. But with A's, they come with abusive behavior, irresponsibility, dishonesty, blame shifting, emotional blackmail, and all that jazz. This is who they are.
Maybe try visualization. Visualize another man, who looks different, with a different lifestyle, different life, and different mannerisms - and let him be your boyfriend. Your lover. Your friend. And let him treat you good. And see yourself with him. How would you act? What would you say when he did nice things for you? What would you two talk about, because it wouldn't be about his dysfunctional ways. He has none! How would you handle quiet times? How would you handle no drama for months? A disagreement turns into compromise and a healthy solution, not an emergency marathon therapy session with a psychologist. What then? See yourself there, and see yourself being a healthy, equal partner in it. And start to like this guy, this lifestyle, this type of relationship. Get there. That AH's dreamy image will fade away.
I'm going to try that. But for now, I'm going to get ready for bed, then read my book of lists of things that hurt me about my ABF, so I'm not all "blue-skied" out when he's off on Thurs. ;-)
Whatever.It.Takes
Good luck. Hugs!! :ghug3
Ready.
I'd better keep this thread handy for next week, when my ABF leaves on May 31st. I'll have to remember that I'll miss the qualities he HAD 20 years ago (or did he...?), the things, traits, feelings...not necessarily him. It does help that he works as a waiter and although said his goal was to to get a day job, he just got a second waiter job - my evenings are lonely and empty, so he's not around anyway. What's there to miss?
Let's see:
Him coming home at 1-2am, sometimes 3 am?
Him taking hour-long showers during which I feel the urge to wake up and search his stuff?
The urge to get up and search his stuff?
The wondering if he's really using me?
The smells of alcohol and Nyquil?
Him sleeping on the air mattress with the TV on all night?
Him not contributing to our expenses?
Him giving me $20-100 every three weeks, like he's doing me a favor?
Him going out at 11pm if he's off from work, like he couldn't go out during the day?
Him laying on the air mattress all evening if he's not working that night?
Him eating a heavy meal and coming straight to bed, as he's swallowing his last bite?
I could go on. But I'm tired of talking about him.
Tallulah, if you thought about the real qualities he possesses, what he really brought to the table, that may help. The crumbs of affection. I got that from Toby Drews' book "Getting Them Sober". Did you keep a diary? Maybe you can get a notebook and list all the terrible things he did. And how he undid the nice things he did for you. And refer to that book when you feel weak. It's only human to long for what we want, how we want it. That's why I want my salad dressing on the side. I want what I want, how I want it. But with A's, they come with abusive behavior, irresponsibility, dishonesty, blame shifting, emotional blackmail, and all that jazz. This is who they are.
Maybe try visualization. Visualize another man, who looks different, with a different lifestyle, different life, and different mannerisms - and let him be your boyfriend. Your lover. Your friend. And let him treat you good. And see yourself with him. How would you act? What would you say when he did nice things for you? What would you two talk about, because it wouldn't be about his dysfunctional ways. He has none! How would you handle quiet times? How would you handle no drama for months? A disagreement turns into compromise and a healthy solution, not an emergency marathon therapy session with a psychologist. What then? See yourself there, and see yourself being a healthy, equal partner in it. And start to like this guy, this lifestyle, this type of relationship. Get there. That AH's dreamy image will fade away.
I'm going to try that. But for now, I'm going to get ready for bed, then read my book of lists of things that hurt me about my ABF, so I'm not all "blue-skied" out when he's off on Thurs. ;-)
Whatever.It.Takes
Good luck. Hugs!! :ghug3
Ready.
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Originally Posted by Mr B
I remember having much the same feelings about my AXGF after she finally left. At first they were very confusing and upsetting. As time went on, though, those feelings came up less frequently and with less power. Moreover, as I had the time and space to think (rather than reacting to the latest crisis) it gave me the chance to really consider what those feelings were really about. The feelings were nothing to do with the actual person she was and is, but much more to do with the fantasy I had about the person I thought she was.
When I was feeling like I was missing her I'd sit down and write about my feelings and the memories or events that had triggered those feelings. It was very instructive to then read those thoughts the following day, or the following week, and spot where the twisted thinking was or were I was forgetting who she really was.
I think we all know the sadness of these kinds of feelings and how confused they can leave you feeling. It does get better. As ever, give it time and give yourself permission to feel and to grieve. But do engage brain before heart when deciding on what, if anything, you're going to do about those feelings
Mr B.
When I was feeling like I was missing her I'd sit down and write about my feelings and the memories or events that had triggered those feelings. It was very instructive to then read those thoughts the following day, or the following week, and spot where the twisted thinking was or were I was forgetting who she really was.
I think we all know the sadness of these kinds of feelings and how confused they can leave you feeling. It does get better. As ever, give it time and give yourself permission to feel and to grieve. But do engage brain before heart when deciding on what, if anything, you're going to do about those feelings
Mr B.
I suppose I am 'lucky' in an odd way. The feelings may come up but then there is this court case.. and the knowledge that if I contacted him it could or would impinge in some way on the results of that keep me 'safe'. Brain is engaged.. heart is told, hang on if you acted on this missing him feeling you could alter the results and consequences of his actions.. crisis averted.
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Hi RTH.. Thank you for your post.
My initial feeling after I had gone was to get rid of all the bad reminders.. the manipulative nasty texts, the manipulative nasty emails etc. I haven’t.. I’ve kept them. I haven’t read them since we broke up: I needed to read them to remind me of some background to the attack on me for the Police. They’re painful but I think they are what kept me focussed on the reality (as well as the good ones). They all reminded me of the rollercoaster. And funnily enough the exchanges remind me of how ridiculous I was: the frustration, the confusion, the trying every which way I can to get some equilibrium and balance for me, the absolute craziness. Maybe I should dig a couple out and read them whenever I feel a pang of loss.
The visualisation is a really good tool. I do that quite often. I imagine a relationship where respect is given and received, where the only games played are ones on a board or a games console, where you don’t wonder what they are up to or thinking because they tell you freely and without agenda, where you don’t have to wonder if today is going to be a day when your heart is heavy because they have decided that today is a ‘push you away’ day.. so many things.
It is not long to go now RTH. Just a handful of days!
Good luck and lots of hugs for you too. :ghug
My initial feeling after I had gone was to get rid of all the bad reminders.. the manipulative nasty texts, the manipulative nasty emails etc. I haven’t.. I’ve kept them. I haven’t read them since we broke up: I needed to read them to remind me of some background to the attack on me for the Police. They’re painful but I think they are what kept me focussed on the reality (as well as the good ones). They all reminded me of the rollercoaster. And funnily enough the exchanges remind me of how ridiculous I was: the frustration, the confusion, the trying every which way I can to get some equilibrium and balance for me, the absolute craziness. Maybe I should dig a couple out and read them whenever I feel a pang of loss.
The visualisation is a really good tool. I do that quite often. I imagine a relationship where respect is given and received, where the only games played are ones on a board or a games console, where you don’t wonder what they are up to or thinking because they tell you freely and without agenda, where you don’t have to wonder if today is going to be a day when your heart is heavy because they have decided that today is a ‘push you away’ day.. so many things.
It is not long to go now RTH. Just a handful of days!
Good luck and lots of hugs for you too. :ghug
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