OK to meet with alcoholic's sponsor?
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 10
OK to meet with alcoholic's sponsor?
My family would like to meet with their alcoholic mom's AA sponsor. Is this allowed, appropriate, and typical?
There is some 12 steps game going on here. She says she is ready to be a sponsor for others and she has skipped step 9 (at least with her children and ex and others we know).
She says she has done step 9. NO WAY. It just did not happen.
She neglected and abandoned her children over five years ago, left tens of thousands in debt and property damage...
These children are the real victims.
If I wrote down some of the craziness we have gone through, you would dismiss it as fantasy and impossible, the creative rants of a would-be novelist. There is nothing approaching closure.
Again, OK to meet with alcoholic's sponsor?
There is some 12 steps game going on here. She says she is ready to be a sponsor for others and she has skipped step 9 (at least with her children and ex and others we know).
She says she has done step 9. NO WAY. It just did not happen.
She neglected and abandoned her children over five years ago, left tens of thousands in debt and property damage...
These children are the real victims.
If I wrote down some of the craziness we have gone through, you would dismiss it as fantasy and impossible, the creative rants of a would-be novelist. There is nothing approaching closure.
Again, OK to meet with alcoholic's sponsor?
Last edited by saved; 05-17-2009 at 05:46 AM.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Originally Posted by saved 
These children are the real victims.
If I wrote down some of the craziness we have gone through, you would dismiss it as fantasy and impossible, the creative rants of a would-be novelist. There is nothing approaching closure.
Again, OK to meet with alcoholic's sponsor?
If I wrote down some of the craziness we have gone through, you would dismiss it as fantasy and impossible, the creative rants of a would-be novelist. There is nothing approaching closure.
Again, OK to meet with alcoholic's sponsor?
I'm curious about what you or the children hope to achieve by meeting with the sponsor.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
The problem.. if that is the right word.. with step 9 is that it says to make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except where to do so would injure them or others..
If confers a bit of jurisdiction over the decision of what might or might not harm the recipient of the amends to the alcoholic. In my case I will be very surprised if the A, if and when he gets to his step 9, makes direct amends to me. For a start it will involve him taking some responsibility which he is loathed to do and it would also mean him possibly being confronted with the other side to his actions. I'm sure I will not be injured by his amends but (and he admitted he did this on the other occasions he did the 12 steps) he used that as a cop out and made amends in his 'own way' which was just to apologise in his own head.
I'm not sure what the ettiquette is about contacting sponsors... there of course is the whole anonymous aspect of it.. but I would have thought that the A would have imparted some information about this person. Tbh though, the A's recovery.. whether they are working the steps, whether they are ready to be of service by way of sponsorship etc.. that's for them. Intervening is to achieve what?
If confers a bit of jurisdiction over the decision of what might or might not harm the recipient of the amends to the alcoholic. In my case I will be very surprised if the A, if and when he gets to his step 9, makes direct amends to me. For a start it will involve him taking some responsibility which he is loathed to do and it would also mean him possibly being confronted with the other side to his actions. I'm sure I will not be injured by his amends but (and he admitted he did this on the other occasions he did the 12 steps) he used that as a cop out and made amends in his 'own way' which was just to apologise in his own head.
I'm not sure what the ettiquette is about contacting sponsors... there of course is the whole anonymous aspect of it.. but I would have thought that the A would have imparted some information about this person. Tbh though, the A's recovery.. whether they are working the steps, whether they are ready to be of service by way of sponsorship etc.. that's for them. Intervening is to achieve what?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
So many questions. Does the sponsor exist? Is the sponsor willing? Is the alcoholic willing? What would you hope to gain? Meeting with her sponsor isn't going to make all of that damage go away, nor make the path to the future clearer --- what do you hope to do by meeting them? How old are the kids? Will they even know or care why they're there? Will it reopen the wounds for them? What role do you play in all of this, and why are you involved?
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by LucyA
Then again, we might just nod and wonder at how much alike some stories are.
I'm curious about what you or the children hope to achieve by meeting with the sponsor.
I'm curious about what you or the children hope to achieve by meeting with the sponsor.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
It's no secret that alcoholics, even in recovery, sometimes make up their own reality in order to protect themselves. Every post here reflects that.
That question is, what will all of this accomplish? If it turns out to be a lie, hey, big shocker. And will it help the kids & spouse, or just make the whole situation angrier?
Sometimes, walking away and getting on with our lives -- better lives, with the alcoholism removed -- is the best way back to sanity for us.
That question is, what will all of this accomplish? If it turns out to be a lie, hey, big shocker. And will it help the kids & spouse, or just make the whole situation angrier?
Sometimes, walking away and getting on with our lives -- better lives, with the alcoholism removed -- is the best way back to sanity for us.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
These children are the real victims.
Then the children and ex need to attend Alateen and Alanon.
The AA sponsor will only be able to answer questions about the process of recovering from addiction. The sponsor will not be able to answer specific questions about this woman's recovery because of the bond of trust and confidentiallity of the program.
Alateen and Alanon will help the friends and family learn about the process of recovering from the results of living with addiction in their life.
You as a friend of the family will also benefit from Alanon. You will learn coping skills to help you deal with your resentment of the destruction alcoholism caused.
Then the children and ex need to attend Alateen and Alanon.
The AA sponsor will only be able to answer questions about the process of recovering from addiction. The sponsor will not be able to answer specific questions about this woman's recovery because of the bond of trust and confidentiallity of the program.
Alateen and Alanon will help the friends and family learn about the process of recovering from the results of living with addiction in their life.
You as a friend of the family will also benefit from Alanon. You will learn coping skills to help you deal with your resentment of the destruction alcoholism caused.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
I don't know much about AA or sponsoring, but it seems to me to be a bad idea.
It seems like a sponsor is like a "therapist" in some ways and you wouldn't go meet with a person's therapist without consent from the patient (I tried that once - bad idea - the therapist didn't even really listen to me and told my Xah about the conversation ((I was recommending this site)). It just made me feel bad. In retrospect, I should not have done that at all - it is and was none of my business. I would be very upset if my family members tried to contact my therapist.
It seems like a sponsor is like a "therapist" in some ways and you wouldn't go meet with a person's therapist without consent from the patient (I tried that once - bad idea - the therapist didn't even really listen to me and told my Xah about the conversation ((I was recommending this site)). It just made me feel bad. In retrospect, I should not have done that at all - it is and was none of my business. I would be very upset if my family members tried to contact my therapist.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
The bond between sponsor and sponsee is supposed to be sacred. I would not meet with the family of a sponsee, but neither would I sponsor someone who wasn't making an honest effort at recovery.
If you're seeing a lot of hot air, smoke and mirrors, then you already know what you need to know.
Just my two cents.
If you're seeing a lot of hot air, smoke and mirrors, then you already know what you need to know.
Just my two cents.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
From a family point of view, I would have reservations about building the kids hopes up, if you decided to go ahead and try to meet with the sponsor. I've read a couple of your other posts and your boys aren't all that old to be having to deal with this, but they're old enough to get their hopes up that 'if we just do this mom will be ok' then maybe feel worse when it isn't, like they've failed in some way (even though they haven't)
She'll only be ok if and when she wants to be ok.
I found the best way for me to help my nephew deal with his dads alcoholism was to repeat in words and actions that we couldn't do a thing about it, no matter how hard we tried. I gave him a little card with the 3 C's on it and he kept it under his pillow. And I've tried to show him a non judgemental attitude towards his dad, after all, it was his dad and he worshipped him, even if he couldn't help him.
She'll only be ok if and when she wants to be ok.
I found the best way for me to help my nephew deal with his dads alcoholism was to repeat in words and actions that we couldn't do a thing about it, no matter how hard we tried. I gave him a little card with the 3 C's on it and he kept it under his pillow. And I've tried to show him a non judgemental attitude towards his dad, after all, it was his dad and he worshipped him, even if he couldn't help him.
Living in sobriety
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 3,870
OK to meet with alcoholic's sponsor?
I agree its not a good idea as the alcoholic needs to trust their sponser. otherwise there will be no honst. open sharing with each other.
The family need to get a support network for themselves.
I agree its not a good idea as the alcoholic needs to trust their sponser. otherwise there will be no honst. open sharing with each other.
The family need to get a support network for themselves.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Meet with her sponsor? NOPE NOPE NOPE
Sounds to me like the rest of the family needs to go to Al-Anon or get some one on one therapy with an addiction therapist.
Meeting with the sponsor 'reeks' of still trying to control the A. Won't work. And any sponsor worth their salt WILL NOT meet with the family to discuss the A.
I haven't and I won't and I have been sponsoring for a long time now.
I do believe you, and the family need to need your own program of healing. Yes, she has hurt many. If and when she makes amends is on her, not y'all.
J M H O
I hope you and the rest of the family can get some 'healing' for yourselves.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Sounds to me like the rest of the family needs to go to Al-Anon or get some one on one therapy with an addiction therapist.
Meeting with the sponsor 'reeks' of still trying to control the A. Won't work. And any sponsor worth their salt WILL NOT meet with the family to discuss the A.
I haven't and I won't and I have been sponsoring for a long time now.
I do believe you, and the family need to need your own program of healing. Yes, she has hurt many. If and when she makes amends is on her, not y'all.
J M H O
I hope you and the rest of the family can get some 'healing' for yourselves.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by laurie6781
Meet with her sponsor? NOPE NOPE NOPE
Sounds to me like the rest of the family needs to go to Al-Anon or get some one on one therapy with an addiction therapist.
Meeting with the sponsor 'reeks' of still trying to control the A. Won't work. And any sponsor worth their salt WILL NOT meet with the family to discuss the A.
I haven't and I won't and I have been sponsoring for a long time now.
I do believe you, and the family need to need your own program of healing. Yes, she has hurt many. If and when she makes amends is on her, not y'all.
J M H O
I hope you and the rest of the family can get some 'healing' for yourselves.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Sounds to me like the rest of the family needs to go to Al-Anon or get some one on one therapy with an addiction therapist.
Meeting with the sponsor 'reeks' of still trying to control the A. Won't work. And any sponsor worth their salt WILL NOT meet with the family to discuss the A.
I haven't and I won't and I have been sponsoring for a long time now.
I do believe you, and the family need to need your own program of healing. Yes, she has hurt many. If and when she makes amends is on her, not y'all.
J M H O
I hope you and the rest of the family can get some 'healing' for yourselves.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
acknowledgment? to take responsibility for her actions? punishment?
It also reeks of control to me, I agree you are important, and YOUR needs (and the children) need to be met, but that is best done by seeking help for yourself and the children, not repeatedly going to a "dry well", that has proven to be dry again and again.
When I did that it was just crazy making, any time I have based any sort of plan or "healing" that relied on someone else to behave a certain way especially an alcoholic I ended up crazy.
Alanon was wonderful in helping me with similar issues
Stay out of her program and get one of your own, it will benefit everyone concerned much more then trying to get this woman to do what YOU want.
Late stage Alcoholics are very sick people, chasing them around just makes us sick too.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 182
unfortunately, too many people hide in the program....sounds to me that you and I are in the same boat, and must come to grips with the fact that we are NEVER going to get that apology. Even after step 5 my husband of 25 years has not apologized for his last VERY expensive binge and affair. So am I waiting for a big Come to Jesus meeting when he reaches step 9, Nah! But I can hope! He will definitely hide by saying it would hurt me more if he did. I don't know how I could hurt any more, and there he goes, deciding what's best for ME again. ARRRGGGHHHH
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