Startingover2

As most of you know my exah is also chronically unfaithful on top of being an active alcoholic. He has already cheated on the OW that he was cheating on me with. He wastes no time moving from woman to woman. From what I also understand and observe he is no where near sober either. Trying to hide it by being a recluse. He is paying his dues for the dui and going to his required meetings and thats it. When they are done, so is he. He has really done a number emotionally on me and my kids. Baby doesn't have a clue yet, but she definately wasn't a priority in his mind.

Most of the time I don't engage with him other than about baby. He will try but after I answer his texts about her I either ignore or say I am really busy. Last night I was weak.

Exah: Give baby a kiss for me. I miss you guys.
Me: You do?
Exah: Yeah why?
Me: Nice to hear, but you don't act like it?
Exah: Neither do you babe!
Me: You didn't leave me a choice but to move on with my life.
Exah: Why is that?
Me: I didn't hear you beating down the door fighting and doing whatever you could for your wife and family.
Exah: You aren't either. You show no interest in me, but hey I am a loser right?
Me: I want someone whose family and wife are all they need, not alcohol and other women.
Exah: But I am a loser. That is what you think right?
Me: I am sorry. This is not going anywhere. TTYL.
Exah: Sleep good. You are a good mom.
Me: Thanks

I know thats long. I have been so good in not engaging but sometimes I fail. The strange thing is he always asks me if I think he is a loser? He has done this numerous times and from my previous snooping (I know, wrong) I know he has at least 2 other women he is relating to right now. They ARE telling him he is wonderful and not a loser.

Do I think he is a loser? I hate that word because it makes me feel bad to say that about another person, but there are huge parts of me that do think Exah is a loser. Yes, I know he has an addiction but he is choosing to stay sick. He chose to be unfaithful over and over.

So when he asks me this (and it will come up again) what do I say?

Barbara52

You say whatever you feel. But personally I would say something along the lines of "I am not putting that lable on you, you are. I am not judging you, jsut stating what I see and feel."

Your snippet of converstaion sounds like you handled it pretty good to me.

Blondie

Sounds good to me too. I think you handled it well.

He sounds a lot like my STXAH. Mine has a few women on the side (I think one is a steady GF now) that probably tell him how wonderful he is and that he IS NOT an alcoholic and how mean and how much of a bi%$h I am. Makes him feel "good" I guess, doesn't matter to me. I will admit that I think of my STXAH as a loser to at times. I just feel what I feel but don't tell him to his face. What good would that do as it would start the pity party on full force and then he will start blaming me for his drinking quack, quack, quack. I like Barbara's response - kind of deflats the situation.

Mr B

Startingover, there are three things that stood out to me in that exchange. First, the whole "you think I'm a loser" thing strikes me most as a means to drag you back in to emotionally engaging with him. On another board I used to be on (for those in abusive relationships), this kind of thing was described as a "hoover" - they're trying to suck you back in to the maelstrom.

Second, it reminded me a bit of my AXGF in that, in her eyes, I either loved her or hated her. It was a real black/white thing. She couldn't accept that my feelings about her were much more complex and shades-of-grey than that. I think that polarised view of life said a lot more about how she felt about other people, and herself, than anything to do with my feelings.

Finally, you did good! You saw that the conversation was going off the rails, so you politely withdrew. You held to a personal boundary. Well done!

As for what to say next time, you could try "I don't think you're a loser, but I don't agree with your choices in life" but that will likely just encourage him to rev the hoover up a bit stronger. Maybe just "I do not wish to discuss this subject" would be easier. At the end of the day, his opinion of you is none of your business and vice-versa. If it's not about kids or money, it's not a conversation you have to have with an ex.

Mr B.

MeHandle

I might say : Well the fact is you have been an active alcoholic and a cheating husband. Do you believe or feel that makes you a loser? I can't control how you feel about yourself because of your behavior. But both facts about your behavior are unacceptable behaviors in a marriage. They make me feel ______ . As a husband I feel and think of you ( as a ) _________________ .

My 2 'sense' worth is to be honest. Set a boundry on how much you are willing to explore with him as to the revelation of your feelings if the A wants to continue down this line of conversation.You may decided this, my suggestion above, is even more then you are willing to trust him with.

When my AH tries to draw me in I tell him," I told you already, this is what I think and this is what I feel." And then I don't engage in the conversation with him beyond that.

Mine has called himself a drunk. I don't comment or argue, I remain silent when he says this as I agree but don't trust him if I was to speak my agreement out loud. I prefer and choose to not engage him on his negative revelations of himself.

love tammy

sailorjohn

Funny that 'loser' thing reminded me of my aexgf, she would always chastise me with "You think I'm a loser!" Was tempted to reply, yes, I do, but strictly speaking it's not true, I think she's very sick.

Sounds like you handled it well, but I'm not sure I would engage him any more than absolutely necessary.

Startingover2

Thanks everyone. I thought about this alot today.

I wonder if its projection? They see themselves as a 'loser' because of their addiction and bad choices and wonder if you think the same thing. Does that make sense? Or like someone said above a way to suck me back in.

I just wonder why the heck he gives a hoot what I think when he has a few women who think he is superman?

MissFixit

HI,

I would really try not to indulge him in these discussions. Ther reason, you start questioning yourself and him. This doesn't end well and makes us crazy.

I got to the point of hanging up the phone if the conversation started down one of those pity party paths.

At the beginning I thought he was sick and would get better, as things got worse over time and I saw his outright lies and refusal to utilize help that was available, I thought he was a selfish loser. Now, I see him as selfish still, but as a very sick and mentally disturbed man who is extremely lost. HOWEVER, it is up to him to feel better about himself. I told him I loved him 1000000 times. It was never enough. His true friends used to tell him what a great guy he is. They don't any more.

When he is picking fights and fishing for compliments, I would step away at this point (if we spoke that is what I would do). No good will come out of the conversation.

Miss

bluejay6

Addict con.

Translated: He said:
"You didn't fight to keep me."
"You abandoned me."
"You think you are superior to me."

Brilliant maneuver to bring you all the way DOWN.

And then he pretends he didn't do it:
"You're a good mom."

Whew. I get sick when I read (or experience firsthand) these mind f***s.

Don't engage.

Barbara52

I do think its projection. And attempting to draw you in. But you get to decide whether to play that game or not.