Its interesting
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 19
Its interesting
I have long participated on various message boards.
Mostly mommy related so everyone has all these cutsie little names and I come here and I see so much PAIN in the user names.
Its really sad.
How did we get here? I know that one of the things I'm accuse of by my AH being controlling....yet I have no control. Not even my own happiness. Taking control of my life makes me a "control freak?" Why does that have such a negative connotation? Shouldn't that be a GOOD THING?
What is it about us as people that makes it so someone else controls our moods. I can't stand to be happy all day, to then receive on phone call and then be totally out of control emotionally.
Mostly mommy related so everyone has all these cutsie little names and I come here and I see so much PAIN in the user names.
Its really sad.
How did we get here? I know that one of the things I'm accuse of by my AH being controlling....yet I have no control. Not even my own happiness. Taking control of my life makes me a "control freak?" Why does that have such a negative connotation? Shouldn't that be a GOOD THING?
What is it about us as people that makes it so someone else controls our moods. I can't stand to be happy all day, to then receive on phone call and then be totally out of control emotionally.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Wish I knew
Posts: 428
My AH is so not controlling!!!! He goes in reverse sometimes!!! I do wish he would sometimes take the initiative, but he leaves everything up to me, and sometimes I have a hard time dealing with it. One bad thing is that we're both the youngest in our families!!!
I am new to this forum, but one thing I do want to get off my chest-- so many people are talking about their boyfriends' drinking. I have one word of advice--- LEAVE !!!!
Do not marry them and do not have kids with them- it will drag you down. My AH's problem did not start until after we were married and I was pregnant with twins.
If he had a problem prior to that , I wasn;t aware of it as we would frequently go out together, and, yes, I liked to get loaded. However, after I was put on bed rest, he would go out by himself and stay out longer and longer and longer...Leaving me alone, of course. My realization came at Christmas, I was 5 1/2 mos pregnant. He went out the night before Xmas eve and came home the day after Xmas. I couldn't belive it!!! And it just got progressively worse.
I didn't go out anymore because hangovers and infant twins do NOT go together, and I couldn't trst him to take care of them. And most of their care was left to me, and I got resentful. I even left him and moved out of state, but ended up coming back as full-time-working-single-motherhood was making me a wreck.
That's when I started seeing the destructiveness of alcohol. Intervention wasn't an option as everyone we knew drank!!!I was the oddball out.
Everyone used to tell me to just "show him"- do what he does. but 1)there was NO WAY I could keep up with him and 2)our kids needed ONE dependable parent.But it really did P me off.
One Christmas he didn't come home and I threw his clothes out the window. He asked if I was insane.
The bad thing is, tho, that I think , deep down, he would like to not do these things..he does make efforts sometimes, but they are few and far between.
I have gone to counseling, and have stopped some destructive behaviors, like calling him at the bar and yelling at him, etc.. I know he is going to do what he wants to do, and only sometimes "lay down the law"-- like when I really need him somewhere. The girls and I don't depend on him to do things- we just do them. The fact that they are older is a big help. I'm not so stressed as I was when they were infants/toddlers.
My counselr said that any of the yelling at him because he was drinkingg, out, etc, was destructive on ME and I really shouldn't let it get to me so much. I try to do that, but sometimes, I just need to dig at him, point out his thoughtlessness, etc.
None of it does any good.
He's never violent or anything-he's actually nicer when he's drunk!!! More annoying, actually, as he will not shut up. He also never gets drunk at home, so at least we don't have to look at him!!!
So-- all you non married non mothers-- DUMP THEM!!!!
It's so much easier to walk away now.
If I knew then what I knew now, I would never have stayed with him. I love my girls, tho. They're the best of all of it.
Thank you for letting me vent-- the best thing about this place is
that you can talk about your feelings, and know that others will understand and sympathize.
I am new to this forum, but one thing I do want to get off my chest-- so many people are talking about their boyfriends' drinking. I have one word of advice--- LEAVE !!!!
Do not marry them and do not have kids with them- it will drag you down. My AH's problem did not start until after we were married and I was pregnant with twins.
If he had a problem prior to that , I wasn;t aware of it as we would frequently go out together, and, yes, I liked to get loaded. However, after I was put on bed rest, he would go out by himself and stay out longer and longer and longer...Leaving me alone, of course. My realization came at Christmas, I was 5 1/2 mos pregnant. He went out the night before Xmas eve and came home the day after Xmas. I couldn't belive it!!! And it just got progressively worse.
I didn't go out anymore because hangovers and infant twins do NOT go together, and I couldn't trst him to take care of them. And most of their care was left to me, and I got resentful. I even left him and moved out of state, but ended up coming back as full-time-working-single-motherhood was making me a wreck.
That's when I started seeing the destructiveness of alcohol. Intervention wasn't an option as everyone we knew drank!!!I was the oddball out.
Everyone used to tell me to just "show him"- do what he does. but 1)there was NO WAY I could keep up with him and 2)our kids needed ONE dependable parent.But it really did P me off.
One Christmas he didn't come home and I threw his clothes out the window. He asked if I was insane.
The bad thing is, tho, that I think , deep down, he would like to not do these things..he does make efforts sometimes, but they are few and far between.
I have gone to counseling, and have stopped some destructive behaviors, like calling him at the bar and yelling at him, etc.. I know he is going to do what he wants to do, and only sometimes "lay down the law"-- like when I really need him somewhere. The girls and I don't depend on him to do things- we just do them. The fact that they are older is a big help. I'm not so stressed as I was when they were infants/toddlers.
My counselr said that any of the yelling at him because he was drinkingg, out, etc, was destructive on ME and I really shouldn't let it get to me so much. I try to do that, but sometimes, I just need to dig at him, point out his thoughtlessness, etc.
None of it does any good.
He's never violent or anything-he's actually nicer when he's drunk!!! More annoying, actually, as he will not shut up. He also never gets drunk at home, so at least we don't have to look at him!!!
So-- all you non married non mothers-- DUMP THEM!!!!
It's so much easier to walk away now.
If I knew then what I knew now, I would never have stayed with him. I love my girls, tho. They're the best of all of it.
Thank you for letting me vent-- the best thing about this place is
that you can talk about your feelings, and know that others will understand and sympathize.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Hi ladies,
First, being controlling is not a good thing because it does not work. As much as we try, we only manage to drive ourselves carzier and crazier. As odd as it may sound, our loved ones are adults and have every right to trash their lives if they choose.
And we can live our lives the way we choose, too. With them or without them.
Have either of you read any of Melody Beatties books...or attended a 12 step meeting? There is babysitting at many meetings and just making friends with people close by who are living what you are living lifts your sprits. I had to get myself together first because no matter what I did with him I still had to live with me. I was scared to death to go out and repeat the same mistakes in another relationship. So I stayed...got my own thing together...and I ended up staying for the long haul. One day at a time.
I was the only one who could or would take care of me and I chose to do exactly that, in Alanon.
Hugs,
JT
First, being controlling is not a good thing because it does not work. As much as we try, we only manage to drive ourselves carzier and crazier. As odd as it may sound, our loved ones are adults and have every right to trash their lives if they choose.
And we can live our lives the way we choose, too. With them or without them.
Have either of you read any of Melody Beatties books...or attended a 12 step meeting? There is babysitting at many meetings and just making friends with people close by who are living what you are living lifts your sprits. I had to get myself together first because no matter what I did with him I still had to live with me. I was scared to death to go out and repeat the same mistakes in another relationship. So I stayed...got my own thing together...and I ended up staying for the long haul. One day at a time.
I was the only one who could or would take care of me and I chose to do exactly that, in Alanon.
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Wish I knew
Posts: 428
I had attended al anon meetings, but did not find them helpful-- instead of talking about what was going on, it was discussing how to deal with a step or a slogan. I remember one was " Keep it simple,stupid".. Everyone else was talking about how they were too controlling and needed to simplify things, but, honestly, I keep things as simple as I can. If I have a book to read, and the bathroom needs to be cleaned, I'll most likely leave the bathroom for when I feel like doing it. If I don't feel like doing something, it won't get done until I feel like it. He won't do it, and, since we have 2 adults living here, I'm not going to bust my butt doing it.If he doesn't like it, too bad. I have a pan sitting on the stove that he used to make something. It will sit there until he cleans it.
I take care of my kids, and don't sweat much else.
I take care of my kids, and don't sweat much else.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
...instead of talking about what was going on, it was discussing how to deal with a step or a slogan.
Many people recover without meetings, but I suggest that you try a few more before you make any final decisions. 12-step can save your life - I know it saved mine.
Hugs
Ann
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
That's okay SDP. Steps aren't for everybody. The options out there are so much fewer for codies than they are for addicts. I think it's because so many don't recognize that they are dying too. I looked like crazy for something else, but had to decide "what the hell". I certainly couldn't pay for counseling. It didn't hurt me any. It helped. If you feel better and are getting stronger, that's what counts. And we want to hear about it!
Hugs,
Smoke
Hugs,
Smoke
Paused
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 31
SDP...
I thought the same thing of Alanon when I first went into the rooms. I couldn't understand how we could get past everything if we couldn't speak of our experiences. I resented the slogan "Keep the focus on us and our program". The first few meetings were useless to me. I needed to vent but felt I wasn't allowed to there. I did follow the slogan "Keep coming back" and found that sometimes people do vent in those rooms and that is what kept me going back. I needed to hear other peoples stories so I could relate. Try different meetings until you find the right one. Believe me...it helps. I wouldn't take anything for some of the friendships I have found in Alanon and AA. Kinda funny...when my A recently went into rehab he told the counselor that "Alanon ruined me" and we both laughed. He had never mentioned how he felt about it before. I think he realized that I am no longer going to take his falls anymore thanks to my friends helping me understand my place in all of this.
I thought the same thing of Alanon when I first went into the rooms. I couldn't understand how we could get past everything if we couldn't speak of our experiences. I resented the slogan "Keep the focus on us and our program". The first few meetings were useless to me. I needed to vent but felt I wasn't allowed to there. I did follow the slogan "Keep coming back" and found that sometimes people do vent in those rooms and that is what kept me going back. I needed to hear other peoples stories so I could relate. Try different meetings until you find the right one. Believe me...it helps. I wouldn't take anything for some of the friendships I have found in Alanon and AA. Kinda funny...when my A recently went into rehab he told the counselor that "Alanon ruined me" and we both laughed. He had never mentioned how he felt about it before. I think he realized that I am no longer going to take his falls anymore thanks to my friends helping me understand my place in all of this.
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi Me me,
You DO have a "cutsie" name
I have always been the type to BE controlled. I was influenced by friends growing up, who told me what to do and say to fit in. I became a victim of my past, and created enemies of my mom and family; I was blocked by this tremendous wall of resentment. And, I was controlled by my AH and his disease; He never had any intentions towards this. But my world revolved around whether he drank or not, who he was hanging around with, which influenced MY set of friends... right down to what kind of food we ate; if he liked "meat and potatoes" than thats what I ate too.
Since beginning my recovery in Alanon, I have begun to "let go" of the rope I was holding onto. I figured it was everyone elses' fault that I was so unhappy, but once I began letting go I started seeing clearly how responsible for my own life. It was enlightening
.
Now, I feel stronger and "in charge" of my life. I don't think this makes me a control freak, because I am never purposely trying to influence others... only myself.
SDP,
I know exactly what you mean - when I first started going to meetings, I was so upset that I couldn't just vent, and talk about the particulars about me and him... the drinking etc. And everything was so "formal", with the opening and closing of the meetings, the rules, the holding hands. I only went a few times at first - I hated it.
But eventually, things got so bad at home and I was losing it - I hit a rock bottom of sorts. I too went to counselling, and he said that I should go back to Alanon. So I did. And this time I just listened - I wasn't so desperate to be heard this time. I saw myself in others, heard of THEIR struggles, and began to believe that I could find a way through this mess too. And the best thing I ever did was get a sponser... THIS is the outlet you have to vent and cry and ask questions. Your sponser does not hold meetings on the phone - you are not bound by all the formality. THIS is what saved me
Take care
Meg
You DO have a "cutsie" name
I have always been the type to BE controlled. I was influenced by friends growing up, who told me what to do and say to fit in. I became a victim of my past, and created enemies of my mom and family; I was blocked by this tremendous wall of resentment. And, I was controlled by my AH and his disease; He never had any intentions towards this. But my world revolved around whether he drank or not, who he was hanging around with, which influenced MY set of friends... right down to what kind of food we ate; if he liked "meat and potatoes" than thats what I ate too.
Since beginning my recovery in Alanon, I have begun to "let go" of the rope I was holding onto. I figured it was everyone elses' fault that I was so unhappy, but once I began letting go I started seeing clearly how responsible for my own life. It was enlightening
.Now, I feel stronger and "in charge" of my life. I don't think this makes me a control freak, because I am never purposely trying to influence others... only myself.
SDP,
I know exactly what you mean - when I first started going to meetings, I was so upset that I couldn't just vent, and talk about the particulars about me and him... the drinking etc. And everything was so "formal", with the opening and closing of the meetings, the rules, the holding hands. I only went a few times at first - I hated it.
But eventually, things got so bad at home and I was losing it - I hit a rock bottom of sorts. I too went to counselling, and he said that I should go back to Alanon. So I did. And this time I just listened - I wasn't so desperate to be heard this time. I saw myself in others, heard of THEIR struggles, and began to believe that I could find a way through this mess too. And the best thing I ever did was get a sponser... THIS is the outlet you have to vent and cry and ask questions. Your sponser does not hold meetings on the phone - you are not bound by all the formality. THIS is what saved me
Take care
Meg
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