First post - fed up
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Yorkshire, UK
Posts: 2
First post - fed up
Ugh I feel terrible and don't know what to do with myself.
At the weekend I had a ridiculous amount of drugs (bzps, speed, e, weed, coke, ket, acid, loads of booze) and it’s now friday and I would have expected sad tuesday to be behind me but its just stretched across the week. I’m not of the opinion that it’s “not real” because what is real anyway??? If I went swimming every day and drank wheatgrass etc my state of mind would still be determined by the chemicals floating around my body - so how can this be any more real?? I actually feel like this is a more realistic state of mind because I’m more used to it - if I get too happy I’m just living in lala land and not dealing with the **** I need to deal with - I’m deluded (not that I think I’ve ever acheived true happiness, maybe this is different).
So…maybe I’m going to be sad and miserable and going to ******* feel it, and not forget it. Maybe this is the only way I can get the motivation to sort it out. Not by getting distracted by false and temporary pleasures and thinking everything’s ok a few hours after which I felt I had no reason to live. I’m so tired of living with apathy and confusion and weakness in body and mind and FEAR. I’m sick of just getting through life and moving from one crisis to another and surrounding myself with padding for my emotions so I don’t have to truly feel. I’m numb and I’m ******* scared of what I might be or feel if I felt fully alive. Would I have to leave everything and everyone I know behind? If so, would this just be me running away from myself again? I can’t figure out what’s real and what’s pretend anymore.
I need a plan of action and I need to stick to it. I need to be so ******* aware of myself and the things I do to **** myself over. A strategy, a mantra, a way of order, or I might go insane. Or not even that, just grind myself down even further and sink completely into apathy.
So what’s not right with my life? What do I need to do, that’s realistic, to bring order and remove chaos that is detrimental to my wellbeing? Without being too rigid so I can’t keep it up. So I can make life work for me. So I can allow creativity in my life and the possibility of atleast a good part of my potential being reached.
I’ll look at sorting out myself and my life as a project, one that I’m going to complete even if it makes me really ******* uncomfortable , because I don’t know how to finish a project! At least I will be trying a different way of doing life, even if it doesn’t work for me. Enough of the ******* talk, I need to do it! I am NOT my father!!
:wtf2
At the weekend I had a ridiculous amount of drugs (bzps, speed, e, weed, coke, ket, acid, loads of booze) and it’s now friday and I would have expected sad tuesday to be behind me but its just stretched across the week. I’m not of the opinion that it’s “not real” because what is real anyway??? If I went swimming every day and drank wheatgrass etc my state of mind would still be determined by the chemicals floating around my body - so how can this be any more real?? I actually feel like this is a more realistic state of mind because I’m more used to it - if I get too happy I’m just living in lala land and not dealing with the **** I need to deal with - I’m deluded (not that I think I’ve ever acheived true happiness, maybe this is different).
So…maybe I’m going to be sad and miserable and going to ******* feel it, and not forget it. Maybe this is the only way I can get the motivation to sort it out. Not by getting distracted by false and temporary pleasures and thinking everything’s ok a few hours after which I felt I had no reason to live. I’m so tired of living with apathy and confusion and weakness in body and mind and FEAR. I’m sick of just getting through life and moving from one crisis to another and surrounding myself with padding for my emotions so I don’t have to truly feel. I’m numb and I’m ******* scared of what I might be or feel if I felt fully alive. Would I have to leave everything and everyone I know behind? If so, would this just be me running away from myself again? I can’t figure out what’s real and what’s pretend anymore.
I need a plan of action and I need to stick to it. I need to be so ******* aware of myself and the things I do to **** myself over. A strategy, a mantra, a way of order, or I might go insane. Or not even that, just grind myself down even further and sink completely into apathy.
So what’s not right with my life? What do I need to do, that’s realistic, to bring order and remove chaos that is detrimental to my wellbeing? Without being too rigid so I can’t keep it up. So I can make life work for me. So I can allow creativity in my life and the possibility of atleast a good part of my potential being reached.
I’ll look at sorting out myself and my life as a project, one that I’m going to complete even if it makes me really ******* uncomfortable , because I don’t know how to finish a project! At least I will be trying a different way of doing life, even if it doesn’t work for me. Enough of the ******* talk, I need to do it! I am NOT my father!!
:wtf2
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
Hi and Welcome,
I am glad you found us.
Stopping using drugs/drinking is very scary. Those of us with addiction, have used substances to alter our mind-state and we haven't learned how to deal with life and our feelings. So, there is a lot of learning and growing to do.
But, you can do it and we are here to offer support and information.
I am glad you found us.
Stopping using drugs/drinking is very scary. Those of us with addiction, have used substances to alter our mind-state and we haven't learned how to deal with life and our feelings. So, there is a lot of learning and growing to do.
But, you can do it and we are here to offer support and information.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Portugal
Posts: 104
Hi and welcome!!! 
Mate your post reminded me of of where I was a year ago.... so freaking much.... reading it took me right back there. I cant tell you how happy I am that I never have to feel that again!
Its a total myth that caning yourself on the weekend leads to a 'terrible tuesday' and then you're fine. By the time I stopped doing that to myself I thought it took me 10 days but in reality I am still recovering 8 months later. as in I find more joy and clarity almost every day.
I was pretty confused and messed up for a while there. The last few years of partying like that meant that I had pretty much no time that I wasn't on it or recovering from a big weekend so aside from work, eat, sleep I got nothing done, had no personal growth, no spiritual growth and certainly didn't have time to pursue any dreams that I may have had.
When I first stopped doing that kinda **** to myself I thought I would miss the buzz and the sheer random chaos of it all but you know what? The further I am from it the more I have realised how repetitive it was, how predictable each weekend was - another blurry wasted weekend wasting time by being wasted - and how predictable it was that my life was going nowhere until I changed things.
I cant tell you how glad I am that I did.
I did it quite drastically by moving away from my home city (and telling myself I was having a 3 month break - after three months I felt so great I extended - now its been 8 months sine my last huge bender) but then I didn't think to find help online - there is an awesome amount of information and support on this site - read and utilise it.
Stick around!
Mate your post reminded me of of where I was a year ago.... so freaking much.... reading it took me right back there. I cant tell you how happy I am that I never have to feel that again!
Its a total myth that caning yourself on the weekend leads to a 'terrible tuesday' and then you're fine. By the time I stopped doing that to myself I thought it took me 10 days but in reality I am still recovering 8 months later. as in I find more joy and clarity almost every day.
I was pretty confused and messed up for a while there. The last few years of partying like that meant that I had pretty much no time that I wasn't on it or recovering from a big weekend so aside from work, eat, sleep I got nothing done, had no personal growth, no spiritual growth and certainly didn't have time to pursue any dreams that I may have had.
When I first stopped doing that kinda **** to myself I thought I would miss the buzz and the sheer random chaos of it all but you know what? The further I am from it the more I have realised how repetitive it was, how predictable each weekend was - another blurry wasted weekend wasting time by being wasted - and how predictable it was that my life was going nowhere until I changed things.
I cant tell you how glad I am that I did.
I did it quite drastically by moving away from my home city (and telling myself I was having a 3 month break - after three months I felt so great I extended - now its been 8 months sine my last huge bender) but then I didn't think to find help online - there is an awesome amount of information and support on this site - read and utilise it.
Stick around!
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