brokenrockstar

Thanks for the advice and insight... just one question in relation to what was posted.

So none of you stay? And by stay I mean stay for the long haul.

I'm trying to make an effort to keep my relationship with him. I just need to know how to deal with everyday life with A (when he's sober). I read the sticky posts above and it says surrender but it doesn't how to deal with him when he comes home high. I hope the meeting (my first meeting) will touch on this.

Thank you... I'm learning so about this sickness and learning about myself.

Freedom1990

I stayed for 5 long miserable years. It never got better, only worse.

Mambo Queen

I stayed for nine and a half years. I left when it finally escalated into physical abuse. Bottom line, I stayed too long. I think that's how most everyone feels once they leave. I know it's not what you want to hear right now, and there are a few people who post who have chosen to stay, even a few who seem to have a measure of peace with that decision. But overwhelmingly, you will find people who left and are glad they did.

tallulah

I don't want to be the harbinger of doom but just because they stop drinking/doing drugs does not necessarily mean happier days.

I think when you stay you have to be prepared for all eventualities.. and one of those is that they will not nor never become the person you want them to be. You have to go into it with your eyes wide open and set a line in the sand that, if crossed, means you are willing and able to move away from them.

:ghug

catlovermi

Perhaps the question to ask is not HOW do I stay in such a relationship, but WHY do I stay in such a relationship?

Respectfully submitted,

CLMI

kittycat1164

Me? I stayed 20 years. Now, after only eight months I wonder why I didn't do what I knew had to be done earlier. My kids are healthier and I'M healthier (albeit broke). Knowing you love someone and staying because of that love isn't the right reason. He wasn't who I married, as much as I wanted to believe he would be that person again, it wasn't ever going to be. Realizing that and moving on was the most painful, but also the best thing I ever did.

NYC_Chick

I stayed for 4.5 years if you include the 1 year I spent buying into the snow job that he had changed. What I learned in the end is that he got much worse and will continue to lie and manipulate anyone who will allow it. I am no longer one of those people. Life without xabf is so much better than I could have imagined. It does not mean that you can't love him and someday you may want to go back if he meets your conditions to work a program and stay sober, but YOUR life is worth more than waiting for someone's actions to determine what you will do next. Why live like this when you can make decisions now to enhance your life?

GiveLove

We call those kinds of relationships "the rollercoaster."

When they're sober, we're on top of the world.
The next week, when they're not, we're heartbroken.

This can go on for five, ten, twenty, fifty years.

And now you're bringing a child into this life, subjecting him/her to the same torture, at least until they're eighteen and can leave.....and in the meantime, what have you taught them? That addiction's not so bad. You get to keep the girl, keep your home, do what you like, if only you throw in a little sober time to keep the peace.

And that's how THEY turn out. Are you ready for your child to turn out like his father? Is that why you chose to bring another life into the world -- to perpetuate the cycle of addiction?

Many of us have been through this for a long time, and finally saw what we were doing to ourselves and to our kids.

That's why you're receiving the kinds of responses you are.....and not the happiness-and-light things you're probably wanting. I'm sorry -- it's just not like that.

If you're bound and determined to stay, I'd advise going to regular Al-Anon meetings, individual counseling, and other kinds of self-help for both you and your child.

Good luck to you both

WLDKATZ

I staied long enough to be left for dead laying in the middle of the road with 9 stab wounds to my chest broken hips and a pelvic bone watching him trying to kill my mother........how long are you willing to stay is up to you.......how you are treated is up to you.....we dont have the answeres for you only you do, to be angry because other people cant make the decision you want made is just crazy....good luck with that meeting though!


Pamm

LucyA

I stayed 'in the relationship' because he was my brother. No other reason really, except I was looking after his son too. I think if he hadn't have had a son he seemed to forget about I wouldn't have been around, at all.
I'm grateful I was able to be there for his son, my brother was very rarely able to be there for him, and he disappointed him more times than I like to remember.
Living apart from him, but 'being involved' was more than I was prepared to do, but I did it for his son, to keep their relationship going.

The long haul isn't always so long for the addict, it's still a haul for those of us left behind though. I thought I was prepared, unfortunatley I wasn't prepared enough for what happened to my brother.

justtired

People stay until they get too tired of the rollercoaster or something really bad happens and then they leave. It takes a really long time sometimes. No matter what anybody on here tells you, you will need to figure this out for yourself and will need to try what you need to try. Until then, the best thing you can do is set boundaries for yourself of what you are willing to accept and what you aren't. Make sure that when you set those boundaries you stick to them. Attend Alanon or some sort of support group and stick around here. You will definitely be needing a support system. Also, even if you aren't ready to leave now, I would make sure that you keep yourself in a position where you CAN leave when and if you choose to.

HoopNinja

I have stayed for 11 years and it just takes its toll. For me after awhile I just stopped caring about him--especially once we had kids. It was bad enough I had to put up with it (which I didn't but did not know any better--sad for a then 38 year old woman to think that). Now, I have nothing left. I don't feel anger, resentment, remorse--certainly no love. I feel blah--he is a stranger to me. He has tried to clean up his act in the last 4 months. . .but he is still drinking and I assuming still getting high when I am at work during the day. I agree, at a certain point I just became disgusted with him, no longer found him physically or emotionally appealing and asked myself why I was wasting my life. Like others I have asked myself why I waited so long. Now I say, I want the rest of my life to be happy and the only way that will happen is without him in it.

WLDKATZ

when it is a sibling it is harder I think than being married to one, you remeber what it was like comming up with them and the highs and lows with them even then......I sugest first off boundries.......you cant just let him walk all over you or his son.......and no matter what dont give up on his son, let him know you will always be there even if you wont support his fathers actions any longer because it not only hurts you but him, the son........good luck!


Pamm

Jadmack25

I stayed for the heavy drinking hell of the last 10 years of my 27 year marriage. Have been in 18 year rocky relationship with Abs who has been sober and doing counselling since I set my boundaries late last year. First boundary is "I will not be around a drinking alcoholic under any circumstances". He or any one else who fills the bill of a DA is off my radar screen PERMANENTLY from now on, don't need it, don't want it, won't have it. So far all has been fine, and hopefully will continue that way for us both. I am taking care of ME and have almost ceased worrying what he is doing when he's out and about and oh, what peace that gives me.

God bless

silkspin

When I was in the thick of things, my thinking was distorted and I thought I could fix things. I tried everything (and I thought my situation and responses were unique until I found sober recovery and al anon). I now realize that I need to get myself well so that I saw things clearly. Once that started to happen, I slowly understood what I needed to do, as painful as it was, because I understood that he wasn't going to stop and that I had a little girl to take care of.

We slept in separate rooms for 5 months, and I've recently let him back, as he's been clean and sober for that time, and has been going to AA and has agreed to counseling. Things are better although we have a lot of work ahead of us, and I just don't know if we'll make it. What I learned in al anon is that I don't have to think that far ahead, just to put one foot in front of the other, and the path will build itself before me. I'll know what to do when it comes time to make a decision.

The best thing I was able to do is let it go, and to stop agonizing over what and if. I started to live my life, and set in place boundaries that I enforced. At this point, doing that has kept me together with a sober AH who is trying. It could have easily gone the other way, and I have to be aware that it could turn at any time.

sailorjohn

I stayed for waaay too long, am trying to avoid comparing myself to others, isn't helpful, and doesn't offer much by the way of consolation.

I'm sure there are stories with happy endings, I just don't know of any of them personally, and am slowly stripping away the idea that any actions I take can have any effect on her outcomes.

Simply looking to save myself.

Barbara52

If you are going to stay, then you needs to accept him as he is, learn to set boundaries and determine what you are willing to do if (when) those boundaries are violated. You need to learn to detach and not allow his alcoholism determine how you live your life.

Many in here have found AlAnon the way to learn how to do that. You can also read and read til you learn what your need to learn.

I cannot give suggestions because I could not live with my active AH and eventually left and divorced him because he refuses to get out of denial and even begin to seek sobriety.

Lilyflower

I stayed in my relationship for about 5 years. It spiralled into chaos and the occasional phyisical abuse along side constant emotional and mental abuse.

I was glad to get out of it, as scary and as daunting as that was!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx