Alcoholic? Or Otherwise Disturbed?
I got nothin'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Alcoholic? Or Otherwise Disturbed?
Hello. I’m an alcoholic.
I think my father is one, too. But I’m not sure.
I don’t know why this is bothering me lately. He’s an adult…what he does is his business.
I guess I need to rant. I want to understand.
A little background:
I’m sober for a month right now after relapsing for almost 3 weeks. I blew 80 days sober, my longest stretch yet. Before I drank, I called my doctor to get referred. After a few days he got back to me and I had an appointment with a therapist. I’ve since gotten sober again and do therapy weekly and am now on much needed meds for depression and anxiety that’s been around longer than the alcohol problem.
Anyways…
After all these years, I still can’t figure out what’s wrong with my dad. A part of me wants to understand.
I’m a little turd…he’s out cutting the lawn right now, so I went down to the basement to see how much he’s drinking. I thought, “Maybe nothing because he’s not had time because he’s cutting the lawn now and just got home from work.” Wrong. There’s three empty cans. I believe that 3 is the amount he drinks.
Now, compared to what I’ve done, 3 is nothing. But he does this every single day without fail.
He has zero friends.
He is mostly isolated, although he lives with two people.
I have to be careful when I talk to him…he is quick to snap and at times anger.
Occasionally, he’ll be in a rare good mood. That’s the dad I like.
Most of the time he’s a crabass.
He’s supported me all my life. He’s gone to my school and sporting functions. He’s supported me with school. He does not and never has physically abused me or anyone else.
So why am I bothered by his drinking?
I was bothered by this long before I started drinking. When I was a teenager, I looked up the standards to what defines an alcoholic. He doesn’t quite fit.
He’s getting to be an old man now…set in his ways. I know it’s not my place to tell him what to do.
I have to wonder if he’s self-medicating for depression. He sure acts that way at times. Instead of crying, he snaps at people. It’s as though the world annoys him. He’s always been a pessimist.
Sorry this is such a rambling mess. I just needed to complain, that’s all.
I think my father is one, too. But I’m not sure.
I don’t know why this is bothering me lately. He’s an adult…what he does is his business.
I guess I need to rant. I want to understand.
A little background:
I’m sober for a month right now after relapsing for almost 3 weeks. I blew 80 days sober, my longest stretch yet. Before I drank, I called my doctor to get referred. After a few days he got back to me and I had an appointment with a therapist. I’ve since gotten sober again and do therapy weekly and am now on much needed meds for depression and anxiety that’s been around longer than the alcohol problem.
Anyways…
After all these years, I still can’t figure out what’s wrong with my dad. A part of me wants to understand.
I’m a little turd…he’s out cutting the lawn right now, so I went down to the basement to see how much he’s drinking. I thought, “Maybe nothing because he’s not had time because he’s cutting the lawn now and just got home from work.” Wrong. There’s three empty cans. I believe that 3 is the amount he drinks.
Now, compared to what I’ve done, 3 is nothing. But he does this every single day without fail.
He has zero friends.
He is mostly isolated, although he lives with two people.
I have to be careful when I talk to him…he is quick to snap and at times anger.
Occasionally, he’ll be in a rare good mood. That’s the dad I like.
Most of the time he’s a crabass.
He’s supported me all my life. He’s gone to my school and sporting functions. He’s supported me with school. He does not and never has physically abused me or anyone else.
So why am I bothered by his drinking?
I was bothered by this long before I started drinking. When I was a teenager, I looked up the standards to what defines an alcoholic. He doesn’t quite fit.
He’s getting to be an old man now…set in his ways. I know it’s not my place to tell him what to do.
I have to wonder if he’s self-medicating for depression. He sure acts that way at times. Instead of crying, he snaps at people. It’s as though the world annoys him. He’s always been a pessimist.
Sorry this is such a rambling mess. I just needed to complain, that’s all.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hmmm.
From this (limited) perspective here.....it seems like this is just the way he is. If this is how he's always been, if he's this way whether he's drinking or not drinking, well, seems like he's just a crabass. Or maybe he's really unhappy with his life, doesn't really have the energy or skill to do anything about it, and instead just gets mad a lot. Some people are just that way. I wish they weren't, but hey, I'm sure there are plenty of people who find me insufferably positive and optimistic, and want to hit me with a large rock right behind my right ear.
You don't get to control how people are. One of those stinky rules of life.
Can you live with that? Wouldn't be my ideal living situation. Doesn't sound like it's necessarily good for your sobriety either. Do you have any other options?
From this (limited) perspective here.....it seems like this is just the way he is. If this is how he's always been, if he's this way whether he's drinking or not drinking, well, seems like he's just a crabass. Or maybe he's really unhappy with his life, doesn't really have the energy or skill to do anything about it, and instead just gets mad a lot. Some people are just that way. I wish they weren't, but hey, I'm sure there are plenty of people who find me insufferably positive and optimistic, and want to hit me with a large rock right behind my right ear.
You don't get to control how people are. One of those stinky rules of life.
Can you live with that? Wouldn't be my ideal living situation. Doesn't sound like it's necessarily good for your sobriety either. Do you have any other options?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
My parents are never going to be what I'd like them to be. That's a fact.
My dad's the adult child of two alcoholics, and has never been interested in any sort of recovery for himself.
My mother's a raving codependent, classical martyr, wringing her hands, sacrificing her own needs for others.
It is what it is. I can't change who they are. Sometimes it's awful damned lonely being the only one in my family in recovery.
There are times I have literally gone no contact with them because they can be toxic at times. That doesn't mean I love them any less. It means I love myself enough to have healthy boundaries and continue to work on my own recovery.
:ghug :ghug :ghug
My dad's the adult child of two alcoholics, and has never been interested in any sort of recovery for himself.
My mother's a raving codependent, classical martyr, wringing her hands, sacrificing her own needs for others.
It is what it is. I can't change who they are. Sometimes it's awful damned lonely being the only one in my family in recovery.
There are times I have literally gone no contact with them because they can be toxic at times. That doesn't mean I love them any less. It means I love myself enough to have healthy boundaries and continue to work on my own recovery.
:ghug :ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Alcoholic or not, if your dads drinking causes you a problem it's a problem, right?
Congratulations on your own sober month, I know it's hard if drink is a problem.
Like you said though, he's an adult, he makes his own choices, maybe he'll follow your lead, maybe he won't, you know theres nothing you can do for him as far as drink goes, but there's lots you can do for yourself.
Maybe it's bothering you now because you've realised theres another path, that's your path, your dad will follow his own whatever you do or say.
Congratulations on your own sober month, I know it's hard if drink is a problem.
Like you said though, he's an adult, he makes his own choices, maybe he'll follow your lead, maybe he won't, you know theres nothing you can do for him as far as drink goes, but there's lots you can do for yourself.
Maybe it's bothering you now because you've realised theres another path, that's your path, your dad will follow his own whatever you do or say.
I got nothin'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Originally Posted by GiveLove 
Can you live with that? Wouldn't be my ideal living situation. Doesn't sound like it's necessarily good for your sobriety either. Do you have any other options?
When I get some money saved, I'm going to look into assistance with housing. I could probably qualify for something I can afford, I hope.
I want to live on my own again.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
yep....I found even the smallest little (private) share-rental preferable to living with my toxic parents. It seemed like the most peaceful place on earth... 
Good luck making that happen - wouldn't it be cool?
Good luck making that happen - wouldn't it be cool?
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Bamboozle!
Congrats for your sobriety
Just wanted you to know I hope you live somewhere else very soon, toxic atmospheres are not what you need right now, YOUR sobriety is the only thing that matters now...
I am sad abour your dad, when I lived with my mom I used to feel the same way (she is not an addict but has been depressed decades). Dragging her feet, sleeping all the time, "resting", not one friend, no motivation... it is hard to see them that way but its THEIR life... if they were in pain or did not want to live like that, they would DO something about it.
After some years living alone, I like her better, I respect how she lives her life and we get along better... I visit briefly, I invite her to dinner, to the theater, tell her I love her..
that's all I can do.
(((hugs))) all the best in your recovery!!
Congrats for your sobriety
Just wanted you to know I hope you live somewhere else very soon, toxic atmospheres are not what you need right now, YOUR sobriety is the only thing that matters now...
I am sad abour your dad, when I lived with my mom I used to feel the same way (she is not an addict but has been depressed decades). Dragging her feet, sleeping all the time, "resting", not one friend, no motivation... it is hard to see them that way but its THEIR life... if they were in pain or did not want to live like that, they would DO something about it.
After some years living alone, I like her better, I respect how she lives her life and we get along better... I visit briefly, I invite her to dinner, to the theater, tell her I love her..
that's all I can do.(((hugs))) all the best in your recovery!!
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
congrats on being sober today
good luck in finding a space of your own, no matter how small, if it's YOURS it'll feel like heaven! Fingers and toes are crossed for you, I KNOW how much a difference it can/will make!!
Blue
good luck in finding a space of your own, no matter how small, if it's YOURS it'll feel like heaven! Fingers and toes are crossed for you, I KNOW how much a difference it can/will make!!
Blue
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