katie89

My husband and I are alcoholics. We both put the bottle down 12 almost 13 years ago.My husband switched addictions and uses marijuana.We fought about that and he said he was going to quit,then he got into a car accident 8 years ago and he had damage to his vertebra,so this is his reason for still using.Being an addict he does not control his use of it.He gets high too often and I finally had it and threw him out.This was four months ago,since then my anger is gone and I realize I still love him,we were married for 25 years and together for 28 years.When I threw him out he went to live with our son who is a drug addict as well,so our son and his girlfriend (who is into drugs too)are taking money from him and allowing him to live there.Our son and his girlfriend have excluded my children and I from their lives.Which has been hard as they have three children together my grandchildren.Now my husband is saying he will talk to the Doctors about his addiction.Our four daughters that live here with me do not want him back into their lives any longer as when he was living here he was as they put it "strange" and was great at telling them what to do but not joining in on any activities.Today he called me and told me he is looking at his addiction.I want to believe..But am very apprehensive.So am trying to learn as much as I can about being a co dependant.Am really glad I found this site.I am extremely messed up as I want my husband back yet I don't.If I didn't love him it would be so easy.I am not sure why I do,except I still remember him when he wasn't an angry man.

Freedom1990

Hi Katie, and I'm glad you found SR! Wanting to learn about codependency is a huge step, and kudos to you for wanting to do so.

I'd suggest checking into Alanon meetings in your area for face-to-face support among folks who understand, and where you will learn to keep the focus on yourself and how not to enable the addict.

An excellent starter book is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. She has a series of books out, and that was a real eye-opener for me.

I'm glad you are listening to what your daughters are feeling because that lets them know their feelings are important too.

Keep posting and asking questions, and know you are among friends. :ghug :ghug

beingjenagain

Just my opinion....don't take him back! If he gets help and is in recovery he should be a man and want to prove it to you. He should move out of his sons and live on his own. Don't be the enabler. You are worth more than that. It sounds like you have put up with alot over the years. Maybe it is time for you!!!

katie89

Thanks for your advise believe me when I say I am at a loss as to what to do.My daughters and brother (who lives in Calgary) say the same.If I had hurt my back I would have gone and seen what I could do instead of using.I never want to start that again,had three relapses until I quit my alcohol abuse.I would rather die then start drinking again.But I want to be there for him in his recovery I just can not let him get to me again.I remember how he treated me and I know I am worth more then that.Just have to keep remembering it..but I have faith in my higher power who seems to work in making my husband say the wrong thing at the exact right time when I feel like grabbing him and proclaiming my love...

Sofardown

It is sooo easy to forget how they mad us feel after some time has passed.
My son is my addict. He is only 18. He smokes pot every minute that is avaliable to him. But, that is far from the only drug he does.
I love him down to my very soul. And will always love him.
He moved out right before he turned 18 because I had found some pills in his room and would not give them back.
When he is having a hard time, and wants to move back home, There is a huge part of me that wants to welcome him back so I can see his face, and just hold on to him in my arms and keep him safe.
But, I have to remind myself, all the reasons he is gone. All the things we ever fought about (drug use). And I know if he came back it would all just get back to the same way. He is plesant when he visits me (which is about once a week). But, I know if it was in my face once again I would be right back where I was which was sick second I was awake. We would be fighting like we did because I just can not see him messed up and not say anything.
I have told him he can come home, when he is through with the lifestyle he is living right now.
You say your no longer mad. You realize how much you love him.
But you will remember how mad you were as soon as he comes back and smokes again!
And you will wonder why you allowed him back.
Untill he stops everything will just repeat itself over and over.

katie89

He is not allowed at my home as my daughters live here with me and they never want to see him again.They feel he is selfish self absorbed and they have no use for him.He has some different views on life.Like how when he was taking money out of his cheque for just him he does not feel it was taking from the family as he is entitled to his own money.For me when you have children you give it all as to be children are the real blessings in life.My older three are living there own life and my two youngest receive 100 a month each from him he feels that is more then enough.The youngest two are 14 and 16.I have had 6 daughters and one son.I am meeting with him today and am going to write down all his warped visions on life so I can never forget why he is not here any more.Just in case I go insane again and start to miss the old him.

greeteachday

Welcome! keep reading and posting. Hope you can find some face to face Naranon or Alanon meetings too - they are so helpful. Our recovery doesn't happen overnight, but little by little we can find a better way to live.

katie89

I am not doing any drugs,I quit alcohol abuse almost 13 years ago.Not even sure if I am an alcoholic But know that it isn't for me.To live a drug free life you should move to another planet as most people seem to have addictions weather it be coffee