princessmurf

I was happily married for 11 years to my high school sweetheart. The last 2 years of our marriage was when he started drinking and that lead to the end of our marriage. He became distant with me, made new friends that all he did was drink with, he'd invite people over our house to drink and not even introduce me to them, he would drive drunk and even almost got into an accident with me in the car - basically he acted like he wasn't even married. I take my part in this, not knowing what to do or how to handle it. I would try to talk to him about it, but he wanted nothing to do with sharing.

We have been apart for 2 years and I've only heard that he got a DUI last year from friends, but nothing from him at all. His mom (who he lives with) called me last week and said he wanted to talk to me. He called and invited me to spend Easter with him, but I declined. He told me he loved me, and needs me in his life, and he's done nothing screwed up the past 2 years of his life. He was in another accident just a couple weeks ago, and that made him straighten up.

He lives with his mom and brothers. I have made a life for myself. I picked myself up and dusted off when he left. My life went on. He life stopped because of the drinking. He lives with his brothers who drink a lot, and so do his friends. So, I don't see how this enviroment is any good for him. I wasn't even going to try and tell him that.

I wanted to talk to him about what we went through and how things happened, but he wanted to talk about none of it. He said he was moving on and leaving the past behind him.

When I heard from him, it brought back a lot of feelings - feelings that I thought I had moved past. He put me through a lot, and I don't even have an explanation or an "I'm sorry" for any of it. I do care about him and I don't expect that to go away over night.

I have been dating someone else - who doesn't smoke, drink or anything - and treats me wonderful. I'm not sure how I move on with my future when all of these feeligns have been brought back up again.

Any suggestions?

cmc

Welcome to SR.
Suggestions? Is there any one reason why you would want to reactivate this past relationship? It doesn't sound like he's made any changes at all.
Feelings are not facts, it would be sad for you if you lost the good thing you seem to have with someone who treats you properly- due to feelings associated with someone who did just the opposite and continues to follow a destructive lifestlye.

princessmurf

I guess I was just looking for the reasons of why this happened to us. Or more of why he did this to us. Not to get back with him, I'm not interested in going back to that.

LucyA

Sounds like you've moved on pretty well, no point in regretting the past, carry on and enjoy what you have now. He'll continue on his path, whichever way it takes him, with or without you. Which way do you want to go?

princessmurf

I chose this new path, without him.

Just hearing his voice and listening to the things he said made me feel like I don't have closure.

HoopNinja

guess I was just looking for the reasons of why this happened to us. Or more of why he did this to us. Not to get back with him, I'm not interested in going back to that.

You cannot change what happened or why he did what he did. Are the reasons why he did it really important? If so, maybe, for your own benefit, it would be good to go to some AlAnon meetings so you understand why it is important to you so you do not find yourself in a similar situation. Maybe that will help you find the closure you need.

princessmurf

I know the reasons why he treated me that way was because of the drinking. Our first many years were wonderful-before the drinking. It was his choice to drink tho.

That's come up quite a bit. Thank you. I will look into that.

good_luck

Honestly, I found it tremendously useful to just read this forum. It helped me see that my situation wasn't unique, as I saw the same thing written again and again. I also read a few books (Drinking: A Love Story and Under the Influence come to mind immediately.)

I found these things helpful, because I was able to get some distance, and realize that none of the nonsense had anything to do with me.

Good luck! And congratulations on moving on and making a nice peaceful life for yourself!

princessmurf

I can tell already for reading some of the threads, I am not alone. It's nice to know that now.

Yes, peaceful describes my life now. I love it and wouldn't turn back for a second.

Thank you.

GiveLove

I imagine that it would depend on what the feelings were that were brought up? An urge to rescue him from himself? A desire to finally hear an apology from him? A desire to go back to the exciting drama of being with a damaged, unhealthy person? The thrill of hearing "i love you" again after all this time?

What was the feeling? What did it make you want to do? And was it a healthy impulse, or an unhealthy one?

You say you didn't have closure. Usually, when we say that, we have some ideas about what that might look like. What might it look like for you?

I'm always of the view that these events are compasses that point to something we need to fix or change about our life. Even - especially - if I didn't plan to go back to him, I would be asking myself: what are the feelings and needs that are not being met in my current situation, that I'd have such a strong reaction to this event?

Wishing you luck figuring out the mystery

Tarheel

P-Smurf,

Oh my goodness I understand this...
When I speak to my stbxah, it brings up a lot. I think about all the pain from the last couple of years and get mad. I think about the wonderful times and I feel sad and grief still sometimes. I have moved on, too. Yet it still affects me.

I don't know about you, but it took a lot of work to move ahead and get where I am now. I think we need to have the courage and faith to keep looking forward - grieve the past if we need to - but keep looking for those wonderful gifts yet to find.

What do you think?

TH

princessmurf

My feeling were of still caring about him, realizing that he hasn't changed, remembering the good times that be brought up, but more for me the bad ones stuck out. I was also sober through all of it, so I'm sure I remember a lot more than he does. At first I was happy for him, but then hearing himt alk makes me thing him being sober won't last very long.

I wasn't longing to get back together. I'm over it.

I'm really sure what closure looks like, I feel like I'm not there tho. I'm not looking to hear or feel anything, I just think when I'm there, I'll know it. I just wish there was something I could do to speed up the process, if that's even possible.

TakingCharge999

Hi princess

Have you thought about journaling your feelings? I was adviced to write my letter to him, filled with anger, sadness, questions, etc. and then write HIS hypotethical answer too. What I need to hear. Something along the lines

"I am currently a victim of an addiction. Please help me by not enabling me. I embody destruction and suffering. What we lived that was nice and good, was real. I enjoyed my time with you and learned a great deal from you. I apologize. I never intended to harm you in purpose. It is my addiction, my lack of conscience/remorse, my grasp of reality is faulty now. A person in pain just like me cannot give you the love you seek. Someday somehow we will meet again and we will be the best versions of ourselves that we can be, and we will laugh about all this, and remember how much we cherished, our qualities. Before that moment comes, please take care of yourself"

I find writing and then burning the papers has helped me a lot.

Please get all those bottled feelings out, they will help you move forward. No feeling is good or bad, they are just feelings, and they need to be accepted and released - in non harming ways for you or others. That's all.

(((Hugs)))

princessmurf

I agree. My future is where I am now, I just wish the past didn't haunt me so much.

I have a happy present and my future looks a lot brighter now, than before. I am so happy about that and that's what I live for. I want to be the happy, bright, loveable girl I am now.

Hearing from him made me feel things I haven't in a while and I was surprised they are still there. My mind knows that 2 years isn't close to enough time to get over all of it, but my heart still feels like it was yesterday.

TakingCharge999

I talked to an alcoholic in recovery about how hurt I was, knowing I was there, sober, IN REALITY while he verbally abused and later said "Oh I do not remember a thing"

This friend told me it was BS. He was verbally abusive as well. He told me they DO remember. In fact F. had a really good memory, much better than mine, sober or otherwise. They do remember, and they do KNOW what they have done. And none of HIS 50% was YOUR fault. You did nothing. You did not cause his alcoholism, or his denial.

Sometimes they lie to themselves so much that we even believe them. But truth ALWAYS prevails. In AA I have learned that it is only after long time of recovery, real recovery, that they can begin to grasp what they have done to others, and feel their pain. But the good news is that our life does not have to be on hold waiting for that day (if it ever comes, which some days in moments of compassion I hope for my own ex) to find our own closure and be at peace with the past.

((hugs))

TakingCharge999

I am with you princess, in that I like myself much better now than before when I was with him - I was no one. Remember grief comes in waves, do not resist them, emotions will wash over you all of a sudden, but its just another wave. Other feelings will replace the current ones. You are doing great!!!!!

Sorry for my multiple posts

Barbara52

I can understand that feeling. I haven't really spoken to xAH since shortly after I left. I don't expect to get any closure from him. Never did really since I knew then he can not admit that he is an alcoholic even let alone admit to problems he caused, pain he caused, etc.

My closure had to come from within.

twistedruby

Personally, I would suggest telling him as little as possible about your life now.
It's none of his business.
You have come much too far to get sucked back in.
Please do not get involved with him again At All.

You have moved on...he is stuck.
He's still around others with the same bad behavior, which does not sound like he wants to change very much.

He will try to contact you more if he knows it has stirred up old feelings, and I'm sure your reaction is natural.
Give yourself more time for it to fade more.

It's only an idea but if you have to speak to him again on the phone, think of the things he'd done that made you feel used, disrespected, dishonored...etc. and maybe that will help you keep your head straight.

I find that there are times when a little anger will bring clarity and clear out the fog that emotional reactions can create.

I can't think of anything else right now to suggest....

bearfeet

From reading what you have written may I say your life at the moment sounds good. be proud that you have gotten to that point, protect yourself from going backwards and keep enjoying what you have.

You can't change your feelings or simply wish them away but repeated contact directly or indirectly will cause them to feel more intense.

All of the advice here is brilliant. Take it! And look after yourself. My thoughts are with you.
x

princessmurf

I don't internd to talk/email/text him anymore. There's really no reason.

I can step outside the box and see that talking to him has made me take a step back. Luckily, when I talked to him I did remember the bad things that he did to me and how he treated me. I actually even wrote them down, just for me to see in back and white. When I have a twinge of missing him or my life with him I look at just a handful of things that went wrong. It doesn't take more than a minute for me to appreciate what I have now and not want to look back.

I think that only time and staying away from him will give me the closure that I'm looking for. I'm jsut looking for the magis pill (that doesn't exist). I feel like I've spent enough time with him and even now, without him, reliving all of this.

I deserve to move on in a healthy relationship and I'm doing everything I can to make that happen.