freya

....do the best I could.

"I did the best I could at the time." This is one program adage that I've always really had a problem with -- especially when it's applied universally and indiscriminately. And it's one that I've always strongly resisted applying to myself in the majority of situations. Sure, there have been times when I really didn't have the knowledge I needed to do better and, even though what I did at the time might not have been good or right or effective, it truly was the best I could do at that time.

But, far more often then not, the truth is that, when I've made "mistakes," I've made them because I wasn't willing to accept something that I had every opportunity to "know" was the truth and/or reality; or I had enough knowledge to at least have a good idea that I needed to know more, but I chose to act (or not to act) without getting that additional knowledge; and/or I knew perfectly well that a certain action/behavior was somehow less than ideal, and I did it anyway out of fear and/or laziness and/or selfishness.

So, anyways, for me personally, it's always been very important not to justify or excuse these kinds of things with the "I did the best I could" line, because, no, really, I didn't.

Well, last week for the first time this came up with a sponsee. She's a relatively new sponsee who was actually referred to me by her AA sponsor. She's only been sober ~18 months and it's pretty clear that a lot of her core issues are Al Anon issues, so she and her AA sponsor agreed that she would start working an Al Anon program. It's a pretty challenging situation for me to begin with because she is very, very different from me in terms of her background and her life experience, but the reason I agreed to try working with her is because she is amazingly willing and "leadership receptive," which, to me, is the very most important thing when it comes to "getting" any kind of 12 Step work.

Anyways, last week we were talking about some pretty major issues, and she got very, very overwhelmed with guilt....and finally she said: "You know how they always tell you "You did the best you could? Well, that's b*llsh*t. I did not do the best I could...I was stoned and I was selfish and there is no way that was the best I could do....and there's no excuse for it and I can't pretend there is."

I was a little taken aback, because, really, she's absolutely right, and although I definitely had the sense that that was not the "program approved" thing for me to say, I sure as h*ll was not going to lie to her. So, what I said was:

"You know, I think we all know in our hearts when we've done the best we could and when we haven't. And you're right, there are people who give themselves a free pass for a lot of stuff with that "I did the best I could" line. But, this is about you and what you know about yourself, and the thing you have to focus on is doing better in the future. Guilt is a totally useless, self-indulgent feeling, and if you go there you end up thinking that nothing can be OK unless you can change the past. And that's a total trap -- because the past will never change. I know for a fact that there have been times in the past when I did not do the best I could for whatever reason, and there's nothing I can do to change that now. But I can change the chances of my doing it again in the future, and, even if I hurt people, I can live a life that shows them that, no matter what happened to them in the past, they can get past it and grow through it and have a good life. We do not have to let our past control our future."

So, anyway, if there are other people out there who don't buy the "I did the best I could" line indiscriminately, what has your experience been working with other people around these kinds of issues? How do you handle it when it comes up? How do you you go about diffusing the guilt without excusing the behaviors? etc....etc....etc.....

freya

Techie1701

I dunno. Even when I know better, sometimes I can still only do so much, and it isn't much .

Editing to try to clarify what I mean. Even when I know better, I often am not capable of doing what needs doing. If I go down the road of believing that I should know and do the right thing all the time, them obviously I am a useless person and 1) there is no point in trying anything, since I am useless and 2) me, my family and the world would be better off if I were dead. This doesn't seem a very productive path to take, but I'm not sure of the alternatives.

Bernadette

I learned in Cognitive Behavior Therapy that whether I felt something intensely or mildly the important thing was to try to see it rationally and make a plan for the next time I encountered a similar situation.

So neither letting myself off the hook when I knew I was not doing my best - nor beating the crap out of myself when I didn't do my best - what was I going to do differently next time so that I didn't get the same result. And then honestly try my best to do the thing differently!

I think believing that "I could have done better' and therefore things would have turned out "better" or closer to how I wanted them to turn out, is also a form of false belief in my ability to control everything. There are a million different factors in every transaction in this life and I get in trouble when I think I am powerful enough to effect every outcome the way I want it to be.

So I think your focus with your sponsee about accepting the past, it is done and gone, is excellent- it would have helped me. And the positive thing to hold on to is what are my choices for the future? It's a favorite affirmation of mine from Louise Hay's amazing book "Heal Your Body:"

The past is gone. I am free in this moment.

peace,
b

GiveLove

Is she ACoA?

If so, then she might be one of many of us for whom "doing the best we possibly could" is an unattainable goal. My counselor has pointed out that most of us always feel like we could've, should've done more - even to ridiculous extents - until we're well along the road to recovery. It's a moving target that keeps just out of arm's reach.

I don't automatically buy it, or not buy it, because I don't think there's any way we can see inside one another's hearts and minds and KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt what someone is capable of. Anyone who would criticize me, tell me that I "should've known better" in a prior situation, or could've/should've made different choices, is just imposing their own reality and their own judgment on me.

I tend to stick to the tenet that we always do the best we can with the light we have to see by at the time. As our light grows brighter, we make wiser choices. Progress in the service of joy.

Sounds like you're doing some wonderful work with her Freya. Blessings to you & yours.

Ago

At times in my life, I have done some really idiotic things, and they were the best I could do at the time.

Other times I have done things with the best intentions, that were the best I could do, that ultimately were extremely harmful.

There were times I absolutely knew better, and did them anyway.

It helped to learn what part of me caused that behavior, what my "motives" were, unless I work on underlying causes, I will repeat some behaviors. Quite often it's not "the behavior" that's the problem, the behavior is merely a symptom of the problem.

For me, "what are my motives" are one of the best guages in ascertaining whether a behavior is healthy or not.

I can dress up some pretty sh1tty behaviors with good motives unless I take a really good look.

It's just part of the process of growing.

I absolutely believe "when I know better, I do better" because it's my experience.