sobrsstr

I have been keeping better boundaries with out of state alcoholic sister who recently got fired, kicked out of mother's house due to physical aggression, car getting repossessed, and is back to drinking regularly rather than just relapses. When she calls I talk to her, but I don't ask about her problems or try to fix them. This leaves us little to talk about and she often makes a comment that I sound grouchy. I feel like I sound grouchy or angry also, and part of me says staying angry helps me to keep my boundaries up. If I drop the anger than I am worried I will fall back into giving her advice again and into the hour long phone conversations that accomplish nothing. It is also hard not to ask my brother or her daughter about how she is doing, but when I get the answers it just sets off my anger about how she is screwing up her life again and won't take responsibility. I would like to find the balance between not getting sucked in, but also not having to feel and sound like a robot when I talk to her.

Bernadette

Hi sobrsstr-
I think what you are experiencing is quite normal.
I mean- you're trying a new system, a new way of dealing with her and - like any new tool it takes a few tries to get the hang of it.

When I first got into Alanon and realized how wacky my relationships with my Abrothers were - I also remember going through a period of being rather hostile towards them, and probably sounding rather distant or grouchy on the phone...

I think I was discovering so much about how my behavior had gotten me to the state of mind I was in that I was angry - at them at first, because if they weren't alcoholics then goddamnit I wouldn't have to deal with any of this sh*t !

So I think you're in a process right now...and you have to sort of go through it...

I had to work very very hard on acceptance so that I could get to detachment without hostility. And it isn't a perfect science, it takes time, and discipline, and I had so many bad habits of mind I had to change...

AlAnon was a lifesaver for me. In fact I would have been sunk without it-- I knew no tools to help me cope with this tough stuff until I got into AlAnon... have you tried that?Or do you have a counselor helping you? It's hard to handle alone.

(((hugs)))
peace,
b

GiveLove

true, true.

Al-Anon and individual counseling helped me to let go of my sisters' lives.

We get angry because on a certain level we want to control them, and for good reason: they're screwing everything up! They're making us sad! They're doing it to US !!!! (there's a great saying here: they're not doing it to us, they're just doing it.)

But letting go of the outcomes -- letting them do whatever they want to do with their lives, even if WE think it's horrible and sad -- is how I started regaining my peace of mind. It does take some time and practice to do it. And of course you have to be WILLING to let go before you can even go there...

As for those awkward phone calls....good for you for not "going there" when she wants to talk about her problems. They're not yours to solve, and it's great that you have that boundary in place. If the phone rings and you can't think of something you want to talk about, maybe you shouldn't take that phone call in the first place. It's your phone, your day, your life.

You're doing great

sobrsstr

Bernadette & Give Love,
Thanks for the supportive messages. I am really trying, but old habits are hard to break. It is hard to not ask others about my sister and to not feel angry at her for what she is doing to herself and feel sadness for her college aged daughter. The support on this forum is what reminds me this is about her and not about me. I just have to accept that this is what she has chosen for herself.

dreamstones

sobrsstr,

Anger is the one word that defines my experience going on with AS. I bring it up with employee assistance counselor I've been seeing, as well as at Al-Anon meeting. I know my anger stems from many aspects of how this disease has impacted our family, from going through this same sh*t with AF(down to my sister having same health problems), to my Mom living with this everyday (and enabling in many ways). Also, Mom is out of country now, so I've been asked by her to check on sis (since she almost died back in Feb from drinking). Well, this is just making me angrier, so really have been latching on to Al-Anon, as well as educating myself, and this forum has been a great find!

I hope you find peace with you AS, as we all try to find peace in dealing with this.

GiveLove

Sobr, hugs to you from someone who knows just how hard - and how agonizing - this can be.

Just a thought, hoping it is not confusing: I worked hard to get rid of the anger, but I never stopped being concerned, and so never stopped asking people how my sister was. Also, I found some relief in making myself available to emotionally support the "victims" of my sister's alcoholism (like her ex-husband, who is a dear soul) if they should need me. It felt much more "active" than fuming about how they were being treated. Are you close to your sister's daughter? Can your presence and stability be of any help to her right now?

Spiritual Seeker

I have learned to never give unsolicited advice to anyone (addict or not)

I do sometimes tell others how I feel.
It is okay to be honest.
You could tell her why the conversation is difficult from your end, using "I" statements.