advice on dealing with mothers.
it's a movie, you're the star
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 355
advice on dealing with mothers.
My mom is my best friend. I love her more than anything and value her opinion the most in the entire world. Therefore, whenever I have any kind of conversation with her in which she expresses disatisfaction with me or anything about my life, I crumble.
Today, ironically right before my face to face AA meeting, my mother (once again, for the millionth time) expressed her disastisfaction with my lacking a huge group of college friends - please keep in mind, I go to a big ten school where drinking to excess is the norm and I would prefer to be alone rather than be in a group of drunk sorority girls. My mother has also implied over the past week of my being newly sober that she wishes I had a boyfriend.
Now, I don't really care about the boyfriend thing. However, i've struggled to meet nice girls here in college since I got here and it definitely strikes a nerve with me that my mom is pushing me to hang with the crowd when the crowd seems to be drinking and using drugs.
Any advice on how to not care as much about what dear old mother is saying? I'm going to be returning home in a few weeks where I'll be stuck in the same small house with her for an entire month and I can tell if she can have me this upset via phone, in person is going to be just as difficult.
Thanks so much,
Rachel
Today, ironically right before my face to face AA meeting, my mother (once again, for the millionth time) expressed her disastisfaction with my lacking a huge group of college friends - please keep in mind, I go to a big ten school where drinking to excess is the norm and I would prefer to be alone rather than be in a group of drunk sorority girls. My mother has also implied over the past week of my being newly sober that she wishes I had a boyfriend.
Now, I don't really care about the boyfriend thing. However, i've struggled to meet nice girls here in college since I got here and it definitely strikes a nerve with me that my mom is pushing me to hang with the crowd when the crowd seems to be drinking and using drugs.
Any advice on how to not care as much about what dear old mother is saying? I'm going to be returning home in a few weeks where I'll be stuck in the same small house with her for an entire month and I can tell if she can have me this upset via phone, in person is going to be just as difficult.
Thanks so much,
Rachel
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
I just smile and thank people like that for their advice. I have been really blessed in that my mother only gives advice when I ask for it. She is very very wise. The older I get the more I realize how much she knows.
I have to remember that when people make comments, it is not to bring me down. They are saying those things because they think it will help me. It isn't about what people say to me, but how I react to those things.
I have to remember that when people make comments, it is not to bring me down. They are saying those things because they think it will help me. It isn't about what people say to me, but how I react to those things.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
Wow, and she wished you had a boyfriend too? What I want would not be up for discussion. Kind of like the saying goes "what other people think of me is none of my business" as well what others do really isn't my business........you know? I live my life based on what I believe is best for me TODAY! What others say or think is just their opinion. "Thanks for your concern" would be all I'd have to say.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,243
Hi Rachel,
Parents seem to have a way of offering a little bit too much well intentioned advice at times. I am sure I was guilty of this myself and my Mother still likes to give me a lot of helpful advice. You are doing a great job with your life right now and should be proud of the choices you are making.
One of the tools I use is giving the stuff that's bugging me to my higher power on a daily basis. It really does help me to let go of things I don't have any control over and when things happen during the day I am already mentally ready to not react.
Hope that helps!
Parents seem to have a way of offering a little bit too much well intentioned advice at times. I am sure I was guilty of this myself and my Mother still likes to give me a lot of helpful advice. You are doing a great job with your life right now and should be proud of the choices you are making.
One of the tools I use is giving the stuff that's bugging me to my higher power on a daily basis. It really does help me to let go of things I don't have any control over and when things happen during the day I am already mentally ready to not react.
Hope that helps!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
I think you are right to do what's needed to maintain sobriety and serenity. YOu mom does not understand and even tho she means well, you must live your own life. I would also smile and say "thanks for your concern" and let it go at that, if possible. Do what you know is best for you.
Never settle.
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Under immense pressure
Posts: 1,505
Ah, Rachel. We're sorta in the same boat! I attend a Big 12 school. 20,000 or so people around and... well... people people everywhere and all they do is drink!
I have a few friends I stick close to and even though I feel like my family (grandmother, especially) is nagging me that I should have more friends and/or a boyfriend I know what's best for me and try to ignore it. They mean well, and all they can do is comment, there's no way for that to injure me unless I take them too seriously.
Good luck this summer at home!
I have a few friends I stick close to and even though I feel like my family (grandmother, especially) is nagging me that I should have more friends and/or a boyfriend I know what's best for me and try to ignore it. They mean well, and all they can do is comment, there's no way for that to injure me unless I take them too seriously.
Good luck this summer at home!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Hi Rachel
Just because she is your mum does not mean she is not a normal person, who may be able to go out and have a couple of drinks with friends and maybe hook up with a guy she likes. You are here because you are not that person i presume and you just have to accept that she will not get it i guess?!
I personally think if you lead a sober life that you will a lot more joy than your Mum ever had, it is difficult to accept that family members will never understand what you are doing but that's just the way it is...
I am best friend with my ex gf (weird huh?!) and have close contact with her 22 year old daughter who is in University in the UK and i find it very odd that your Mum is wishing you had a BF...her daughter is stunning and the last thing i would wish for for her is to be getting dicked by the school/college popular jock?!
Anyways wishing you the best:-)
Just because she is your mum does not mean she is not a normal person, who may be able to go out and have a couple of drinks with friends and maybe hook up with a guy she likes. You are here because you are not that person i presume and you just have to accept that she will not get it i guess?!
I personally think if you lead a sober life that you will a lot more joy than your Mum ever had, it is difficult to accept that family members will never understand what you are doing but that's just the way it is...
I am best friend with my ex gf (weird huh?!) and have close contact with her 22 year old daughter who is in University in the UK and i find it very odd that your Mum is wishing you had a BF...her daughter is stunning and the last thing i would wish for for her is to be getting dicked by the school/college popular jock?!
Anyways wishing you the best:-)
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
You are the person who knows what is right for you.
You know what you need to do to stay sober.
I was a people-pleaser and it was part of my downfall. When you try to please other people, including your mother, you will end up losing yourself.
You know what you need to do to stay sober.
I was a people-pleaser and it was part of my downfall. When you try to please other people, including your mother, you will end up losing yourself.
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
I"ll start this by saying I have kids your age. 
First of all, no matter how much you love your mom, none of what you posted is any of her business. And, if she knew how it was affecting you, she would be horrified.
Second of all, I'd tell her exactly why you don't want to hang out with that crowd.
First of all, no matter how much you love your mom, none of what you posted is any of her business. And, if she knew how it was affecting you, she would be horrified.
Second of all, I'd tell her exactly why you don't want to hang out with that crowd.
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