Hi! Iīm new and this is my story.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Tenerife, Canary Islands, Spain
Posts: 9
Hi! Iīm new and this is my story.
After 7 years of struggling and battleing with my partners alcoholism we finally separated a few days ago.When we were first together it didnīt occur to me that drink was an issue, we frequently went out socialising, however I did soon notice the change in him once he started to drink, it was about 6 months into our relationship that I realised he had an addiction. At first he also had a gambling habit, I didnīt know which was worse and just had an attitude that he was going through a phase and would grown out of it soon enough.
Once I got pregnant almost 4 years ago, I decided that enough was enough and if he wanted to keep me and his unborn son then he would have to clean up, he did for a little while, like he did many times, but always he would revert back to what he knew best.
Our relationship did deteriorate over the years and I blamed myself, he blamed the way things were going that led him to drink, it took a very long time for him to admit that he had a problem. His father was an alcoholic and he always used to speak of him in disgust, how could his father let him down like he did, unfortunately his father died around 10 years ago due to the addiction and my partner vowed never to end up like his dad, yet he couldnīt see he was doing just that.
So over the past 7 years, Iīve walked and left him many times, the longest time apart was 2 weeks, it was always me upping and leaving and each and every time he would promise me he would stop and as I mentioned before, he did for a little while and then Iīd go back.
A year ago, he had a horrific accident whilst drink driving, he basically had a very near death experience, luckily he came out unharmed, the car was irrepairable, that I thought was his wake up call, he didnīt touch drink after that for 6 months, but he didnīt do that unaided, he took Antabuse tablets, I tried to get him to attend AA meetings, but he declined, admitting that he didnīt need councilling and was fine.
5 months ago he started again, no way as bad as previously but he was still drinking, he would always say that it was under control, he just needed a couple of beers, a couple of beers led to another couple and another couple, to this day he still thinks he can control it. The lies got worse and more frequent, the sneaking around to get money to go out became all too much, unbearable in fact, I didnīt know this man I fell in love with 7 years ago and I didnīt trust him anymore.
As a father, some would say he is the best I could wish for, he absolutely loves our son to bits, yet I canīt understand how he can treat him, not physically but mentally as he will have the scares of an alcoholic father, like he did his.
A week ago, I made the heartwrenching decision to ask him to leave, I wasnīt going to run like I usually did, he had to go and leave the family home and he did, no questions asked.
Itīs now been 3 days since he went, he has continued to see his son everyday and will do as normal, but I know when he leaves heīll find solice in the bar on the way home. Now I know that he doesnīt have me for support or to try to control or tell him enough now and I know he will head straight down that slippery slope. Still now he doesnīt see that he has a problem, Iīm leaving him for another reason that he must have in his head.
I care about him so much and I still love him and seeing him everyday is saddening, I feel so empty and I also feel that I have betrayed him and turned my back on him when he probably needed me most.
I now realise that all those times when he quit before, he was only quitting for me and our son, he wasnīt stopping for himself and I know he can only that if he truly wants to himself, but heīs already admitted that he doesnīt want to stop, because he likes a drink or two to relax.
People have commented that now heīll realise what heīs lost and get clean and we can have a future together, but firstly I donīt belive that he will, now he has that added freedom that he didnīt have when we were together, the freedom to be able to stop out for as long as he chose and secondly even if he did, I would always be thinking, maybe tomorrow you will have a drink, the trust has gone now and I doubt Iīll ever get that back.
Iīm sure in time, my pain will go, I hope for his sake he can help himself if for our sons sake if nothing else. I feel a slight guilt but have to live with the consequences.
People aske me why I stayed with him for so long when the relationship was so volatile and the answer is that I had hope, hope that one day would be his last drinking day, that hope faded away. Hope can be the most wondeful feeling or it can be the most soul destroying feeling in the world, unfortunatley for me I had the latter kind.
I now can only hope I have the strength to go on.......
Once I got pregnant almost 4 years ago, I decided that enough was enough and if he wanted to keep me and his unborn son then he would have to clean up, he did for a little while, like he did many times, but always he would revert back to what he knew best.
Our relationship did deteriorate over the years and I blamed myself, he blamed the way things were going that led him to drink, it took a very long time for him to admit that he had a problem. His father was an alcoholic and he always used to speak of him in disgust, how could his father let him down like he did, unfortunately his father died around 10 years ago due to the addiction and my partner vowed never to end up like his dad, yet he couldnīt see he was doing just that.
So over the past 7 years, Iīve walked and left him many times, the longest time apart was 2 weeks, it was always me upping and leaving and each and every time he would promise me he would stop and as I mentioned before, he did for a little while and then Iīd go back.
A year ago, he had a horrific accident whilst drink driving, he basically had a very near death experience, luckily he came out unharmed, the car was irrepairable, that I thought was his wake up call, he didnīt touch drink after that for 6 months, but he didnīt do that unaided, he took Antabuse tablets, I tried to get him to attend AA meetings, but he declined, admitting that he didnīt need councilling and was fine.
5 months ago he started again, no way as bad as previously but he was still drinking, he would always say that it was under control, he just needed a couple of beers, a couple of beers led to another couple and another couple, to this day he still thinks he can control it. The lies got worse and more frequent, the sneaking around to get money to go out became all too much, unbearable in fact, I didnīt know this man I fell in love with 7 years ago and I didnīt trust him anymore.
As a father, some would say he is the best I could wish for, he absolutely loves our son to bits, yet I canīt understand how he can treat him, not physically but mentally as he will have the scares of an alcoholic father, like he did his.
A week ago, I made the heartwrenching decision to ask him to leave, I wasnīt going to run like I usually did, he had to go and leave the family home and he did, no questions asked.
Itīs now been 3 days since he went, he has continued to see his son everyday and will do as normal, but I know when he leaves heīll find solice in the bar on the way home. Now I know that he doesnīt have me for support or to try to control or tell him enough now and I know he will head straight down that slippery slope. Still now he doesnīt see that he has a problem, Iīm leaving him for another reason that he must have in his head.
I care about him so much and I still love him and seeing him everyday is saddening, I feel so empty and I also feel that I have betrayed him and turned my back on him when he probably needed me most.
I now realise that all those times when he quit before, he was only quitting for me and our son, he wasnīt stopping for himself and I know he can only that if he truly wants to himself, but heīs already admitted that he doesnīt want to stop, because he likes a drink or two to relax.
People have commented that now heīll realise what heīs lost and get clean and we can have a future together, but firstly I donīt belive that he will, now he has that added freedom that he didnīt have when we were together, the freedom to be able to stop out for as long as he chose and secondly even if he did, I would always be thinking, maybe tomorrow you will have a drink, the trust has gone now and I doubt Iīll ever get that back.
Iīm sure in time, my pain will go, I hope for his sake he can help himself if for our sons sake if nothing else. I feel a slight guilt but have to live with the consequences.
People aske me why I stayed with him for so long when the relationship was so volatile and the answer is that I had hope, hope that one day would be his last drinking day, that hope faded away. Hope can be the most wondeful feeling or it can be the most soul destroying feeling in the world, unfortunatley for me I had the latter kind.
I now can only hope I have the strength to go on.......
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
You're doing all the right things, for you and your son. Do you have access to Al-anon meetings in your area? If so, they would benefit you (and your son) greatly.
In time, you'll get on with your life rather than being caught up in his - and things will be much much better.
In time, you'll get on with your life rather than being caught up in his - and things will be much much better.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Welcome to SR, Missmarple. I know how difficult it is to let go of the alcoholic and continue to let go. You have made a healthy choice for yourself and your son. Please keep posting and know you are among friends who understand! :ghug
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 129
The one thing I've heard consistently about alcoholics quitting is hitting their rock bottom before seeking help. It sounds like your partner has not hit that point yet. It is amazing how bad and low an alcoholic can get and the disease prevents them from seeing how bad they have gotten. Hang in there, you've done the right thing, we all pray when the alcoholic in our lives reach that point when they say they have a problem and they need help.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Welcome. Your story is very similar to mine. I think you are wise and courageous. It took me 20 years to get where you are now. Why did I stay? I slowly became emotionally unwell and when it got to the point that I was ashamed of my crazy behavior I hit my bottom, woke up (his affair helped me tremendously in waking up!) and began to recover. It has been difficult as I have 2 precious kids with him that he is emotionally scarring. Would I go back to the way it was? NEVER. Good Luck to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Tenerife, Canary Islands, Spain
Posts: 9
Iīve just found out Iīm pregnant.
Just as Iīm starting to get my head around things since he moved out, today Iīve just found out Iīm pregnant. I had suspicions when I was due for my period before the last month, but my period came and I thought nothing more about it, although that monthly period was very strange and not like a usual period, Iīm realising now that it could have been the implantation bleeding. Anyway now 8 days over and have realised that I actually feel pregnant and my test was positive. So Iīm either 8― weeks or 5 weeks depending on if my last period was a true one. I havenīt told him yet as Iīm not 100% sure what I am to do, last week when I had my suspicions I was hell bent on not keeping the baby if I was pregnant and convinced myself that I would have a termination, only now Iīm having 2nd thoughts and literally donīt know if I could physically go through with that.
Right now it makes no difference at all what he thinks or wants, I know he will use this as an excuse to get back together and try again and heīll stop drinnking etc..., only I donīt buy that anymore, that was the excuses he gave me when I was pregnant 4 years ago with our son, he carried on drinking all through my pregnancy, so much so to the point that my son was born premature due to the stress I was under. I know he is still drinking now and still he doesnīt accept that we separated because of his drinking as in his words "he only has a few beers now" funny how alcoholics lose count after the first 6 pints.
My hormones are already all over the place and I have been very emotional anyway with our separation, Iīm already getting morning sickness, but I honestly do not know what to do, will I regret whichever decision I make, one part of me wants to have this baby alone and another part of me canīt stand to be alone, I can never take him back that woudl be disastrous.
Please, somebody give me some wise words.
Right now it makes no difference at all what he thinks or wants, I know he will use this as an excuse to get back together and try again and heīll stop drinnking etc..., only I donīt buy that anymore, that was the excuses he gave me when I was pregnant 4 years ago with our son, he carried on drinking all through my pregnancy, so much so to the point that my son was born premature due to the stress I was under. I know he is still drinking now and still he doesnīt accept that we separated because of his drinking as in his words "he only has a few beers now" funny how alcoholics lose count after the first 6 pints.
My hormones are already all over the place and I have been very emotional anyway with our separation, Iīm already getting morning sickness, but I honestly do not know what to do, will I regret whichever decision I make, one part of me wants to have this baby alone and another part of me canīt stand to be alone, I can never take him back that woudl be disastrous.
Please, somebody give me some wise words.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Africa
Posts: 65
Oh dear, Miss Marple, what a difficult position to be in. I can completely empathize. I find the first trimester of pregnancy sooooo difficult and it makes me feel so vulnerable so this much be such a hard time for you. I wish I could give you a big hug!!!
I too had one of my babies prematurely due to the stress of living with my AH so I can empathize with that too!
I am afraid that I don't have any great advice - I'm sorry! Just wanted to send you big hugs! You are in my thoughts.
I too had one of my babies prematurely due to the stress of living with my AH so I can empathize with that too!
I am afraid that I don't have any great advice - I'm sorry! Just wanted to send you big hugs! You are in my thoughts.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Do you have close family or a friend you can talk with there? This type thing really needs face to face connection, it's such an emotional time anyway, and adding the separation on top of it is very hard.
And btw - having a baby on your own isn't impossible, I'm living proof of that. You just get used to living with no sleep
And btw - having a baby on your own isn't impossible, I'm living proof of that. You just get used to living with no sleep
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