sleepygoat

I hate to be posting. I think I should be OK with everything, but I'm not really (just a bad few days). As usual, by the time 2 (and more) months go by without a word, I start to get all caught up in the feelings again.

AD still living with controlling abusive crack-supplying BF. He still doesn't talk to me. she now has no phone. I Invited AD to my 5 yr clean celebration in NA via a message left on BF's phone. Doubt she even got the message. No show, of course. Have no idea if she is making HIV clinic appts or taking meds since I bowed out of that whole thing - (I refused to take her anymore or to have her use my address with the clinic due to her verbal abuse of me).

I do know the clinical trials with magic cure for crack addicts (Columbia-Presbyterian running clinical trials for crack addicts that she participated in ) was a failure (AD told my mother) and she is still using (sorry sweetheart; no magic, just hard work in recovery).

I don't know exactly why AD won't call me. She used to but then, that was when I was still of use to her (clinic appts, using my address for stuff, etc). Not sure how much is just the addiction and how much is her BF's influence. But it doesn't matter or change the fact. I do miss her.

I talked to her for exactly 2 minutes in the whole of 2009, so far.

I know I'm powerless. I know, I know. It still hurts is all. Holidays hurt even more.

rozied

Dear Sleepygoat, I know it is so hard when it is your child. My AS is 42 & in jail again. I haven't seen him since last Sept right before he messed up again in Wk Release & got sent back to jail. You know there is nothing we can do but pray for them.
5 yrs clean in NA is something to be very proud of.
Sending you lots of mom hugs,
Diane

Seren

Congratulations on your five years!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry to hear about your AD, I know it hurts, but know that you did the right thing. She has to be in control and make this decision herself.

Huge hugs, HG

marle

Sleepy, I was exactly where you are in the beginning of 2008. My daughter was also with a man who supplied her with all of her drugs and had total control over her because of them. I also only had contact with her via messages on his phone. She called in May of 2008 ready to get away from him and the drugs. She now has been clean for 10+ months. She told me that it was the hardest thing that she ever did when she walked out of that hotel room and away from him and that life. But she did it and so can your daughter when she is ready. You, yourself, are living proof that recovery does happen. You know that there is hope for her too. In the meantime, you will feel the loss and you will grieve. But each day that passes may be bringing your daughter closer to recovery. I will keep you both in my prayers. Hugs, Marle

MyJoey

Sleepygoat,

Congratulations on 5 years, that is just awesome! With your daughter, I am just sorry. The pain our children cause us is unbearable at times, hopefully one day she will come to understand and clean up her act. (((Hugs for you)))

gotahavfaith

Congrats on 5 years!!!

You seem like a very strong person so you will be ok. How hard it must be not hearing from her. Probably the drugs and BF's influence. My hope is that you will hear from her soon.

Gotahavfaith

greeteachday

((((((Sleepy))))))
I hope you enjoyed your 5 year celebration - a wonderful accomplishment. I'm sorry your daughter isn't ready yet and that you are hurting. Addiction stinks

Freedom1990

I wish I had the words to ease your pain. :ghug :ghug

sleepygoat

Thanks for all of your congratualtions on my 5 years clean. I celebrated at home group on Wednesday. Bittersweet because a woman from my area lost a very long battle with AIDS and the funeral was also wednesday. Doubly disturbing since my AD has the same disease. but i am grateful to still be clean, as it was so very hard dealing with all the feelings about my AD in the past few years (really touch an go as far as would I stay clean or use?) - I stayed clean.

Marle - I thought of you and your daughter's story a number of times in the past few months and do take cheer from the positive outcome you and she had!