Reality bites this morning
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Northeast US
Posts: 1,340
Reality bites this morning
I don't know what to do.
I haven't taken a drink since October 28, 2008. My life is so much better now than it was then. I got back into the graduate program which I failed out of as a major aspect of my "bottom". I am in AA, have a sponsor, and a network of loving and supportive friends, and I am on the fourth step- the dreaded inventory. I have a job. It's challenging and rewarding and carries a lot of responsibility and I'm paying off debt. I work third shift full time.
And I'm trying to figure out what happened... A coworker saw how I was struggling so hard to stay awake and functional, especially on days when I had to be in class all day and work all night. She recommended I ask my doctor to put me on Provigil, "that much coffee is bad for you, this drug isn't addictive, you're not high, just awake, it's prescribed for 'shift work sleep disorder'. I read all about it and its probable mechanism of action and felt like it was "safe", my p-doc (who knows that I am an alcoholic in recovery) totally agreed and prescribed it, 30 days worth, the lowest dose "but they're scored so we can play with the dose if you need to go up".
I took that dose and found I was still falling asleep at my job/in class. So I "played with the dose" myself. And now a few weeks later I'm taking it not as prescribed, and chugging down red bulls and coffee on top of it, and I'm home from work and clenching my jaw and trying to slow my racing heart down, several hours after my shift is over. Knowing that I need to toss the pills, afraid to do it because that means this is a real problem, and because what if I can't do everything with *just me*?
Dammit, dammit, dammit.
I haven't taken a drink since October 28, 2008. My life is so much better now than it was then. I got back into the graduate program which I failed out of as a major aspect of my "bottom". I am in AA, have a sponsor, and a network of loving and supportive friends, and I am on the fourth step- the dreaded inventory. I have a job. It's challenging and rewarding and carries a lot of responsibility and I'm paying off debt. I work third shift full time.
And I'm trying to figure out what happened... A coworker saw how I was struggling so hard to stay awake and functional, especially on days when I had to be in class all day and work all night. She recommended I ask my doctor to put me on Provigil, "that much coffee is bad for you, this drug isn't addictive, you're not high, just awake, it's prescribed for 'shift work sleep disorder'. I read all about it and its probable mechanism of action and felt like it was "safe", my p-doc (who knows that I am an alcoholic in recovery) totally agreed and prescribed it, 30 days worth, the lowest dose "but they're scored so we can play with the dose if you need to go up".
I took that dose and found I was still falling asleep at my job/in class. So I "played with the dose" myself. And now a few weeks later I'm taking it not as prescribed, and chugging down red bulls and coffee on top of it, and I'm home from work and clenching my jaw and trying to slow my racing heart down, several hours after my shift is over. Knowing that I need to toss the pills, afraid to do it because that means this is a real problem, and because what if I can't do everything with *just me*?
Dammit, dammit, dammit.
it's a movie, you're the star
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 355
Hey,
Thank you so much for your honesty. It takes a lot of courage - even to post something like this, so kudos to you! Next, you must MUST come clean about it to your sponsor. She will probably ask you to stop with the redbull heh and also may want you to pick up a white chip. Just show up, take responsibility, and face the consequences.
Once again, your honesty is inspiring. Please feel free to PM me if you want to keep in touch. I recently picked up a white chip again, it's my third one since this past September, yet people STILL welcome me with open arms.
Have faith and stay safe today!
Rachel
Thank you so much for your honesty. It takes a lot of courage - even to post something like this, so kudos to you! Next, you must MUST come clean about it to your sponsor. She will probably ask you to stop with the redbull heh and also may want you to pick up a white chip. Just show up, take responsibility, and face the consequences.
Once again, your honesty is inspiring. Please feel free to PM me if you want to keep in touch. I recently picked up a white chip again, it's my third one since this past September, yet people STILL welcome me with open arms.
Have faith and stay safe today!
Rachel
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
SS....ok...so you did what the dr. said...he said you could play with the dose and up it...so I guess i wouldn't consider it a slip...but that is really actually beside the point...the point is what do you do now?
It sure sounds like you are trying to do more than your body can do at this point. Instead of trying to fight what your body is telling you, maybe listen...make the adjustments you need to make so that you can have enough sleep.
I often don't want to do what I need to do to take care of myself because everything else seems so important..but the bottom line is if I don't do what i need to do for me body mind and spirit...I'll be of no use to anything or anyone else.
Just think about it SS ok (hug)
It sure sounds like you are trying to do more than your body can do at this point. Instead of trying to fight what your body is telling you, maybe listen...make the adjustments you need to make so that you can have enough sleep.
I often don't want to do what I need to do to take care of myself because everything else seems so important..but the bottom line is if I don't do what i need to do for me body mind and spirit...I'll be of no use to anything or anyone else.
Just think about it SS ok (hug)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Midland, NC
Posts: 1,266
While in rehab, they allowed caffeine in coffee and soft drinks, but were were not allowed to have energy drinks such as Red Bull, Monster, etc. I didn't understand this so I asked my counselor why. She told me that these drinks are VERY high in caffeine and other herbal drugs. So for some like me who's doc was opiates/cocaine, she said you'd be shocked at how many people stash the drinks and drink like 6 in a row to feel a 'rush'.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
We share the same sobriety date, different year. I was almost two years sober before I went back to school, longer before I took on a job. I can't imagine doing both less than six months sober. And doing a 4th step at the same time? Wow. That's a lot.
I know the urge of wanting to get back into the stream of life as quickly as possible. And we've got to eat, pay rent, live. I have a habit of filling my plate to overflowing, and I'm guilty of having a Starbucks Red Eye once in awhile to keep going on long days, but getting to this busy place was a gradual process, and none of it came before learning about, taking and living the steps awhile. It takes time and practice to automatically grab for the spiritual tools, and even with practice, the mechanism sometimes jams up. Have you discussed all this with your sponsor--and prayed for guidance? My semester ends in two weeks. Is it a matter of getting through a few more weeks for you? Or are you diving right into a summer semester? It sounds to me that you may well be trying to run when you're still in the crawling stage.
Pray. Talk to your sponsor. Chuck the pills. And I'll add my prayers to yours.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
I know the urge of wanting to get back into the stream of life as quickly as possible. And we've got to eat, pay rent, live. I have a habit of filling my plate to overflowing, and I'm guilty of having a Starbucks Red Eye once in awhile to keep going on long days, but getting to this busy place was a gradual process, and none of it came before learning about, taking and living the steps awhile. It takes time and practice to automatically grab for the spiritual tools, and even with practice, the mechanism sometimes jams up. Have you discussed all this with your sponsor--and prayed for guidance? My semester ends in two weeks. Is it a matter of getting through a few more weeks for you? Or are you diving right into a summer semester? It sounds to me that you may well be trying to run when you're still in the crawling stage.
Pray. Talk to your sponsor. Chuck the pills. And I'll add my prayers to yours.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,460
I don't really give a damn whether its a slip or not, but the *behaviour* rings all kinds of alarms bells with me, K.
Grad school sucks. For everyone. And you're working on top of that.
I believe you can do it with just you - but you're not Supergirl - make sure your expectations of yourself are real and viable, ok?
I'd mark the Provigil down as a failure. They're not helping and they're promoting bad behaviour. Dump 'em.
D
Grad school sucks. For everyone. And you're working on top of that.
I believe you can do it with just you - but you're not Supergirl - make sure your expectations of yourself are real and viable, ok?
I'd mark the Provigil down as a failure. They're not helping and they're promoting bad behaviour. Dump 'em.
D
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Northeast US
Posts: 1,340
Erk. I managed to semi-sleep for like 4 hours. My heart rate is still 100-110.
This is totally letting my addict out to play and trying to slide by on technicalities. I have never strayed outside the max therapeutic dose/timing of the med, and coffee and red bull are ok w/AA folk (er everyone I've met f2f that is). But I did E and caffeine/ephedrine pills years ago and I know damn well what speedy drugs feel like... and the way I layered the Provigil and caffeine, and the _way_ I drank the energy drinks, just opening up my throat and pouring em down. All of this is extremely familiar. It is triggering a lot of memories, lets say.
I am absolutely calling my sponsor. White chip/no white chip, whatevs, I'll do what she says. It probably does sound really silly, the red bull/coffee thing, huh? It's just that I have had similar feelings during my drinking and drugging times. Also I'm basically not eating. This doesn't help matters.
No school this summer, thank GOD. I have been thinking about an independent study but I may just work. I guess I have been trying to make up for lost time. Now I just feel inadequate and fearful of failing again, although at this point everything is going well except for, well, me. Everybody else is pretty satisfied with what I'm doing which is nice for a change.
This is totally letting my addict out to play and trying to slide by on technicalities. I have never strayed outside the max therapeutic dose/timing of the med, and coffee and red bull are ok w/AA folk (er everyone I've met f2f that is). But I did E and caffeine/ephedrine pills years ago and I know damn well what speedy drugs feel like... and the way I layered the Provigil and caffeine, and the _way_ I drank the energy drinks, just opening up my throat and pouring em down. All of this is extremely familiar. It is triggering a lot of memories, lets say.
I am absolutely calling my sponsor. White chip/no white chip, whatevs, I'll do what she says. It probably does sound really silly, the red bull/coffee thing, huh? It's just that I have had similar feelings during my drinking and drugging times. Also I'm basically not eating. This doesn't help matters.
No school this summer, thank GOD. I have been thinking about an independent study but I may just work. I guess I have been trying to make up for lost time. Now I just feel inadequate and fearful of failing again, although at this point everything is going well except for, well, me. Everybody else is pretty satisfied with what I'm doing which is nice for a change.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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I second what bg123bg said. It's to the point, yet she brings out your honesty in posting this, also.
ok, you stumbled a bit ( I've stumbled so much in the past , I have enough white tags to plaster a wall with em.
Hold your head up high, scoop your tag, forgive yourself and carry on.
ok, you stumbled a bit ( I've stumbled so much in the past , I have enough white tags to plaster a wall with em.
Hold your head up high, scoop your tag, forgive yourself and carry on.
To infinity.....AND BEYOND!
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 132
I am on Vyvanse for ADD-inattentive. I can understand how and why these drugs are abused. I'm glad I was warned before starting the medication and therefore keep the medication with my mom who has a safe that I have no idea what the code is. Provigil is a CIII and Vyvanse is a CII. I hope you find the help you need. First step is wanting to get off of them but you do need to get rid of the pills right away and tell your doctor what is happening. You are at risk of a heart attack by taking as many as you are taking or possibly permanent heart damage with drug induced tachycardia.
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Thanks for all of your input... I went to a meeting with my sponsor and afterward told her all the gory details. We got some food in my belly and talked a lot about healthy lifestyles, cutting way back on caffeine, fitting in more sleep, and of course the need to flush the rest of the pills. Which I just did
For chip/sober time purposes, she thinks I do not need to change my sobriety date, and I agree. When I realized this was a problem, despite all this stuff saying that Provigil is unlikely to be habit forming, I talked to her about it and got rid of em. I don't want this to turn into one of "those" threads but that's just how I see it.
My lesson here is that those pleasure pathways I have formed over the years, probably mixed in with my genetic wiring, are there for good... and they are very sensitive. Nothing that comes near my dopamine is to be trusted. Except chocolate.
Guess if I want to function well, I'll have to treat my body like I love it! Speaking of which... I'm going to sleep.
:ghug Thanks for caring.
For chip/sober time purposes, she thinks I do not need to change my sobriety date, and I agree. When I realized this was a problem, despite all this stuff saying that Provigil is unlikely to be habit forming, I talked to her about it and got rid of em. I don't want this to turn into one of "those" threads but that's just how I see it.
My lesson here is that those pleasure pathways I have formed over the years, probably mixed in with my genetic wiring, are there for good... and they are very sensitive. Nothing that comes near my dopamine is to be trusted. Except chocolate.
Guess if I want to function well, I'll have to treat my body like I love it! Speaking of which... I'm going to sleep.
:ghug Thanks for caring.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 862
Well if you're that worried about its psychological impact on you, or rather the behaviour you're exhibiting, I wouldn't take it anymore. Just don't overreact about it as far as the physicality goes, you're not pounding d-amphetamine or anything. Just be advised that it generally shouldn't be taken with an SSRI if you are taking one.
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Originally Posted by Vintersemestre 
Well if you're that worried about its psychological impact on you, or rather the behaviour you're exhibiting, I wouldn't take it anymore. Just don't overreact about it as far as the physicality goes, you're not pounding d-amphetamine or anything. Just be advised that it generally shouldn't be taken with an SSRI if you are taking one.
Modafinil augmentation of SSRI therapy in patients with major depressive disorder and excessive sleepiness and fatigue: a 12-week, open-label, extension study.
One of its off-label uses is to augment SSRI therapy. There's some other studies aside from this one that I've linked to that tentatively support this use.
My heart rate is usually 75 and 24 hours after I took this drug (plus caffeine) and slept for 4 hours my heart rate remained a pounding 110. You have no idea what my medical history is. As it happens I don't have a cardiac history and I'm a 27 year old woman with a BMI of 21, so yes, not a huge issue. But this is why we don't give medical advice on the forums.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
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I know, they sometimes use amphetamines in combination with SSRIs too, but it's to be done cautiously. The patient should be made aware of the possibility of serotonin syndrome when taking two serotonergic agents concurrently.
Also, why are you being so passive aggressive and standoffish? You're the only person who got upset about my last thread which was censored, shouldn't that tell you something?
Also, why are you being so passive aggressive and standoffish? You're the only person who got upset about my last thread which was censored, shouldn't that tell you something?
Last edited by Vintersemestre; 04-11-2009 at 09:58 AM.
Now with fewer opiates!
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Southern New Jersey, USA
Posts: 1,405
Hey, Self Seeking:
You recognized addictive behavior and acted accordingly. Your sponsor was wise in not advising changing your sobriety date. We strive for progress, not perfection.
But thank you so much for posting this. I really needed to hear this today. I am also dealing with reduced energy, fatigue, etc. I have pounded Monster, etc. If I were to continue that, it would put me on a road I don't want to travel.
We are who we are. It's who we plan to be and what we do about that plan that matters.
Always hearing the things I need to hear, I remain
You recognized addictive behavior and acted accordingly. Your sponsor was wise in not advising changing your sobriety date. We strive for progress, not perfection.
But thank you so much for posting this. I really needed to hear this today. I am also dealing with reduced energy, fatigue, etc. I have pounded Monster, etc. If I were to continue that, it would put me on a road I don't want to travel.
We are who we are. It's who we plan to be and what we do about that plan that matters.
Always hearing the things I need to hear, I remain
Dopeless Hope Fiend
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: anchorage Alaska
Posts: 2,741
Well I can certainly understand your fatigue...
If you "can't do everything with JUST YOU" ..then something has to give right?? I get really tired too and overwhelmed...Like RIGHT NOW for instance!! There are lotz of things yo ucan try besides drugs...
I am really learning to accept my own imperfections..slow down and take care of myself...we HAVE to or the results for us dope fiend addicts can be...well fatal.....
I just wanted you to know you are not alone...many of us out here feeling overwhelmed..tired....try taking a nap..
love north
If you "can't do everything with JUST YOU" ..then something has to give right?? I get really tired too and overwhelmed...Like RIGHT NOW for instance!! There are lotz of things yo ucan try besides drugs...
I am really learning to accept my own imperfections..slow down and take care of myself...we HAVE to or the results for us dope fiend addicts can be...well fatal.....
I just wanted you to know you are not alone...many of us out here feeling overwhelmed..tired....try taking a nap..
love north
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I just took a nap! Um, if a nap can still be a nap if it's 6 hours. (I have to work tonight.) And I feel good.
Vinter, in looking at my post again, I would say it was not so much passive aggressive as just aggressive. I'm PMing.
Vinter, in looking at my post again, I would say it was not so much passive aggressive as just aggressive. I'm PMing.
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