buoyant2

Brand new member today but have spent the past 2 1/2 years reading blogs, articles, going to Al-Anon and reading every book I could get my hands on or was referred to me. Our adult son is an alcoholic, and like others I've been reading about, clings to the belief he can become a social drinker if he could just get over his social anxiety disorder. Not true of course, been totally proven he can't many times, but as a young guy he just can't comprehend how one lives a life without drinking.

He's currently in a rehab facility, 5th visit but the first time he actually asked to go for help. He's also been to too many therapists, counsellors, psychiatrists to count and although I'm always optimistic and pray like a monk that God bonks him on the head this time, the fact remains that he could relapse and we must stop picking up the pieces and not allow his failure to be our family's failure any longer.

My husband and adult daughter have reached their breaking point and are ready to move on with or without a functioning son/brother. If this works, they'll be there to encourage him as he tries to make a life but otherwise they're done. They're fed up with all the time, money and energy that has been spent on my son but mostly, and admitted at an intervention, that they are finished with me being totally devoted to his recovery to the detriment of all else. I know they're right, don't blame them one bit and I also admire their ability to 'stop worrying about things they can't control.'

So here's why I am coming to all of you... Why can I not move on like them? I'm following all the right steps yet despite the education I have acquired and all the recovery support I continue to seek, I'm still struggling with becoming the 'new me' or following the process and family plan to let go. What else can I do? I know I can't continue to live in this anxious and envious state and I know I can't really help our son any further.

I'd be so grateful for any guidance that anyone has to offer. Thank you.

Barbara52

Sorry you are having to go thru this. I think my only suggestion would be individual therapy to try to figure out what it is in you that makes you want to continue down the same path rather than changing. You seem to know you need to change. Perhaps you need some professional help figuring out how to make those changes you want to make?

Still Waters

Well, if you're like me, you suffer from guiltitis. If I had, if I could, maybe I should...and it never ends unless I take those feelings by the throat and forcefully toss them out the door. We are Mom's! It's our job to take care of them, nurture them, make things okay, fix boo boo's, etc. It goes against our instincts to let them fall and feel the pain.

What you need, if this is the case, is a good dose of meitis. Focus on you, your recovery from your guiltitis, and maybe concentrate a bit more on your healthy children since you don't have the stress with them that you do with your son?

Just my $.02.

Freedom1990

There's a huge difference between head knowledge ("I know I can't really help"), and surrender, at least in my personal experience.

It's the journey from the head to the heart.

My sponsor uses visual cues a lot that really click with me. My sponsor uses a clenched fist to remind me when I am refusing to let go of something, to turn it over to my higher power, whom I choose to call God.

Now imagine that clenched fist relaxing, fingers extended, palm turned upward. That's surrender for me.

What is your greatest fear if you truly let go and let God do his work with your son?

Is not fear absence of faith?

When I married my EXAH, my mother was so hurt. He was a convicted felon who had just gotten out of the penitentiary for the second time when I first met him. I understand why she was scared to death for me.

I spent 5 long brutal years with that man. We were both active addicts/alcoholics. He was violent, paranoid, and beat me on a daily basis unless he was gone on one of his drug runs.

That man is dead now, buried almost 3 years ago, complications due to AIDS he contracted sharing needles with someone else while I was in rehab (we were both IV drug users).

Here I am clean and sober today. Why? That marriage was the catalyst that sent me spiraling down in my own addictions and I finally hit a bottom and got help.

It was a blessing in disguise. I will always be grateful to God for putting that man in my life when he did because that is exactly what it took for me to hit a bottom.

Tell me God wasn't at work in my life. Why can't you trust that he's at work in your son's life?

Just some food for thought. :ghug :ghug

cmc

Welcome to SR. I can't answer your question "...why can I not move on?" but I can tell you that is exactly what I had to do with my own son. Each time I came between my son and the consequences of his actions I was giving him every opportunity to continue in his disease. Once I stopped, I was no longer involved in his using and I gave him back the right to live as an adult. My giving him a softer, easier way did nothing for his self-esteem either. He needed to fall before he could get back up. Those consequences are there in life for a reason, in my son's case it was when he had to 'face the music' that he finally had enough of that lifestyle.

You might want to take a look at our sticky threads for some more insight about letting go. The Classic Reading and About Recovery links are a good place to start.

buoyant2

I think I just may have an absence of faith. I've asked myself the question you posed, Freedom 1990, "What is my greatest fear if I truly let go and let God do his work with my son?" so many times and I can never really answer it. It's almost like I avoid trying to because all I can ever focus on is "why haven't I seen His help by now." I'm embarrassed to say that or even think that way because I'm certain he has been helping.

You've pointed me back in the right direction, thank you. I need to believe more and think a lot less!

Freedom1990

I know how hard it is to let go and trust the process. I went through the same thing with my 31 year old AD. Here is a poem that has helped me tremendously through the years.


As children bring their broken toys,
with toys for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God,
because He is my friend.
But then instead of leaving Him
in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help,
with ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back again
and cried, “How can you be so slow?”
“My child,” He said, “What could I do?
you never did let go.”

~Author Unknown

cmc

This was helpful to me when I was struggling with letting go.

quoted from post #4 on this page:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-me-fall.html

Spiritual Seeker

Welcome.
You know and understand intellectually what to do.
For me "letting go" of my only AS has been a struggle too. Finally I got sick and tired of being depressed, sad and worried.

What helps the most is to have a full active interesting & challenging life of my own to focus on.
I just don't allow myself to obsess. these days.
My alanon pals + I keep ea. other in check.

I've learned to really practice living in gratitude.
I nurture the relationships that nurture back and have fun with my husband and friends.

My son has been sober a yr. He does not have a need to be close now and he didn't when addicted. He may always be this way. I am grateful for the times he calls
and accept his limitations. He is not able to meet my expectation which is only my problem if I let it be.
Sadness comes when we argue with reality.
Acceptance of what is....makes detachment possible.

You have a lot to contribute, I hope you stick around and post often.

bella2

This also is my 1st post. Our 32 year old son is an alcoholic. He tried to kill himself didn't succeed, entered rehab,relasped after 84 days and I am afraid that he's going to try the easy way out again. I feel if he succeeds I'll want to die too.

silkspin

Although it's my husband and not my child, the feelings are similar. No one wants to see those they love hurting - I used to think he couldn't see the problem because he had it, but I was on the outside and could 'see' clearer - and that's why I had to help.

I really think codependency is similar to an addiction - our substance of choice is another human being. Like a gambler pulling the slot machine arm - I'd think, if I try just this one more time I may hit the jackpot and he'll 'see' that he needs help. Didn't help that I read so much stuff on things that may be wrong with him - alcohol, depression, personal development etc. I had this knowledge that I was sure he needed to hear!

We have to walk away from the slot machine at some point and leave it to ours and their higher power. It's a horrible feeling but it does get easier.

Freedom1990

Bella, welcome to SR. Do you have Alanon available in your area? It's a great source of face-to-face support with others who have been where you are at.

Please keep posting, and ask any questions you might have, okay? :ghug :ghug

lionessa

I have been unable to stop thinking about the argument I had with my AS on sunday, we argued over the kids his wifeAnd I was taking their inventory,I watch, care for, entertain and feed 4 grandchildren when I am not working, I get no appreciation and no respect from them and i neglect myself . I always worry and check on kids ages 2 to 14,My son ended our fight with the Fyou several times.I am hurt and angry andMy blood pressure and blood sugar are up and I said thats it I am done, enough I have to change, God knows I can not not change them! I finally said I surrender , God do for them what I can not.Help me do the things I can for myself.Help me Forgive him ,but help me set boundaries, I am powerless over others,over alcohol,I need you to restore me to sanity, give me a sound mind, I went to an al-anon meeting , the slogan for discussion was Let Go and Let God...With Gratitude I am thankful I have a Loving God to Turn to Faith in his Power and Wisdom for i know from the past that he always knows what is best for me.If I just trust Him He will get me through this...I won from a radio station A one year membership to the desert botanical gardens , so I can walk smell the blooms and nourish my relationship with God and myself.I am re-reading melody beattie co-dependents guide to the twelve steps, A hot bath with bubbles and a cup of hot tea, a pad and paper, I will make a gratitude list and count my blessings...God is Good, All the Time!

kwigers

Nothing absolutely nothing happens in Gods world on accident.
Today I am willing to trust that my daughter is on her own Divine Life Journey, regardless of what it looks like to me.
Today I am willing to trust that I too am on my own Divine Life Journey, regardless of what it may look like.

Ahh, I was never suppose to understand Gods infinite knowledge and grace. ~Cheryl

kwigers

"Worrying is the same thing as banging your head against the wall. It only feels good when you stop." — John Powers…