Fear of running into the ex
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Fear of running into the ex
Hi,
Today I had a job interview in my old town and it went well. Fingers crossed.
On my way out of town I thought I saw L on the street. My stomach dropped and I focused hard on NOT looking over in that direction to confirm or deny my sighting. Anyway, as I got on the interstate I had this feeling of dread wash over me about seeing him again. I have no idea why this fear surfaced. I have nothing to be ashamed of, yet I feel embarrassed and scared.?????
Anyone have a similar feeling? Know why?
Miss
Today I had a job interview in my old town and it went well. Fingers crossed.
On my way out of town I thought I saw L on the street. My stomach dropped and I focused hard on NOT looking over in that direction to confirm or deny my sighting. Anyway, as I got on the interstate I had this feeling of dread wash over me about seeing him again. I have no idea why this fear surfaced. I have nothing to be ashamed of, yet I feel embarrassed and scared.?????
Anyone have a similar feeling? Know why?
Miss
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Yes, I understand those feelings. I moved two hours away from my 'old stomping' grounds after I got out of rehab because the then AH was still using/drinking. I thought I'd never see him again.
I got a call when my youngest daughter (not his) was about 8 months old. He was attending OP for parolees, and didn't have any family members to attend with him like the others did, and even though I was his ex, he asked if I'd attend one session.
I was all kinds of mixed emotions. I did go, and was very uncomfortable through the whole thing. It was really sad to see him because it was almost like it was a lifetime ago that we were ever involved. He just looked...well...not like I remember, pathetic, for lack of a better term.
I never saw him again after that. It was really anti-climactic to see him that one time.
I guess in a way it was some sort of closure for me.
I got a call when my youngest daughter (not his) was about 8 months old. He was attending OP for parolees, and didn't have any family members to attend with him like the others did, and even though I was his ex, he asked if I'd attend one session.
I was all kinds of mixed emotions. I did go, and was very uncomfortable through the whole thing. It was really sad to see him because it was almost like it was a lifetime ago that we were ever involved. He just looked...well...not like I remember, pathetic, for lack of a better term.
I never saw him again after that. It was really anti-climactic to see him that one time.
I guess in a way it was some sort of closure for me.
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Over the weekend I ran into an old friend whom I haven't seen in over a year. He mentioned that he had seen L recently and he looked horrible (ragged hair and dark circles under his eyes). L was drunk calling his and his wife's house, and although they had grown up together he and wife just simply hung up the phone as L made no sense and kept calling. I didn't need/want to hear this, but didn't make a big deal about it.
I think my sighting today whether or not it was him, is my mind trying to prepare me for the inevitable. I did realize that my instinct to not look at him kicked in, which is probably good. At one time I would have rubber-necked to see what he was up to. Not now.
Not sure what this revelation means if anything.
I think my sighting today whether or not it was him, is my mind trying to prepare me for the inevitable. I did realize that my instinct to not look at him kicked in, which is probably good. At one time I would have rubber-necked to see what he was up to. Not now.
Not sure what this revelation means if anything.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
It's not something that we just 'get over', you know? It took me years to process all the emotions.
I used to over-analyze things a lot too. Sometimes I just needed to feel what I felt, and then let it go.
When do you find out something on the interview?
I used to over-analyze things a lot too. Sometimes I just needed to feel what I felt, and then let it go.
When do you find out something on the interview?
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 125
Originally Posted by MissFixit 
Over the weekend I ran into an old friend whom I haven't seen in over a year. He mentioned that he had seen L recently and he looked horrible (ragged hair and dark circles under his eyes). L was drunk calling his and his wife's house, and although they had grown up together he and wife just simply hung up the phone as L made no sense and kept calling. I didn't need/want to hear this, but didn't make a big deal about it.
I think my sighting today whether or not it was him, is my mind trying to prepare me for the inevitable. I did realize that my instinct to not look at him kicked in, which is probably good. At one time I would have rubber-necked to see what he was up to. Not now.
Not sure what this revelation means if anything.
I think my sighting today whether or not it was him, is my mind trying to prepare me for the inevitable. I did realize that my instinct to not look at him kicked in, which is probably good. At one time I would have rubber-necked to see what he was up to. Not now.
Not sure what this revelation means if anything.
You did not let your curiosity get the best of you. I've found that my curiousity plus my need to care and protect my ABF feed off each other - I'd love to know who he text'd today, I'd love to know what time he left for work, I'd love to know how much he made today... It drives me nuts.
I will admit, I did give into my curiosity to see if he was texting me or someone else and it came it to me by accident since the message appeared to be a response ("just because I love you"). Ok, I gave in, checked his cell online, and POOF a new mystery. No text messages or calls listed since march 18th. But he has been using the phone. Could it be a new account? Now I'm suspicious and curious all over again about something new. Or maybe he changed his plan to a less expensive one and they changed the account number...but wait! If I'm going to ask him to leave soon, when why do I care...
Good for you for not rubbernecking. I did just an hour ago. And while I'm not anxious with a biting need to know urge, I gave into that little bit of need that drags you back in.
As for hearing an update - did you want to know? If not, then don't be afraid to say so. I really don't want to know about my ABF's welfare after I ask him to leave. I need to heal and get out of this feeling responsible for him mindset.
Preparing for the inevitable meeting is a GREAT idea, too. Try to visualize it and what you'll say and how you'll feel. See the image before you and go over and over in your mind, and in that "movie" you create, be the calm one, be the solid one, be the strong one. Athletes use visualization all the time to enhance their performance.
Good luck, Miss! :praying
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
I have set a new boundary recently with NA friends: Do not tell me anything about exabf. I am not interested. Do not pass any messages on. I don't want progress updates, appearances, weight lost, etc, current dating habits, nothing!!! I don't want to know if he sleeps in his car or whatever. In fact, the only thing they are allowed to say about him to me is "Look out, he's coming this way!" If he is indeed, coming this way! We all need boundaries, this sounds like it would be a good one for you!
Love,
KJ
Love,
KJ
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I agree with KJ, life is better when you are not getting updates. Its better not to know. If they feel good, if they feel bad - that has nothing to do with your well being and recovery...
MissFixIt, I have ran into F. almost daily since our break up in October. I usually run into him when he is with his friends, and its ackward, run into him alone, more ackward, run into him while with other coworkers that know our story, and its ackward, and also into him and his girlfriend. Which is ackward, and yes, it still hurts me. I accept I feel hurt when I see the guy I loved is with someone else. It hurts. A lot.
I am still far from getting to the point of total indifference. But I can walk acting as if he/they do not exist. And slowly they no longer exist in my thoughts either. Granted I still have my days and my moments and my weeks, but the more I commit to MY recovery, the better I feel, and the less important he becomes.
Just focus on yourself and your great achievements, and if you run into him, just accept you are human, and feel what you need to feel. No feeling is wrong or inappropiate, I have learned. The more patient and compassionate I am with myself, the better I feel.
In the end I will be able to say "although having F. in my life is no longer useful, he was my catalyst for deep change, and a great master. For him, I changed 180 degrees. He helped me reach my own bottom of suffering. For him I gave up my old way and will forever reap the benefits of my inner work. He is in HP's hands now, and I got my own work to do, until someday somehow- in white light -we meet again, hug and thank each other for the roles we had to play to keep learning". And really mean all that. It feels real, and closer day by day.
Trust your HP Miss, you have helped me a lot through all your posts. To me you are a great successful woman and if I was able to dettach, even with the constant reopening of scars, you can, too!!
(((MissFixIt))))
MissFixIt, I have ran into F. almost daily since our break up in October. I usually run into him when he is with his friends, and its ackward, run into him alone, more ackward, run into him while with other coworkers that know our story, and its ackward, and also into him and his girlfriend. Which is ackward, and yes, it still hurts me. I accept I feel hurt when I see the guy I loved is with someone else. It hurts. A lot.
I am still far from getting to the point of total indifference. But I can walk acting as if he/they do not exist. And slowly they no longer exist in my thoughts either. Granted I still have my days and my moments and my weeks, but the more I commit to MY recovery, the better I feel, and the less important he becomes.
Just focus on yourself and your great achievements, and if you run into him, just accept you are human, and feel what you need to feel. No feeling is wrong or inappropiate, I have learned. The more patient and compassionate I am with myself, the better I feel.
In the end I will be able to say "although having F. in my life is no longer useful, he was my catalyst for deep change, and a great master. For him, I changed 180 degrees. He helped me reach my own bottom of suffering. For him I gave up my old way and will forever reap the benefits of my inner work. He is in HP's hands now, and I got my own work to do, until someday somehow- in white light -we meet again, hug and thank each other for the roles we had to play to keep learning". And really mean all that. It feels real, and closer day by day.
Trust your HP Miss, you have helped me a lot through all your posts. To me you are a great successful woman and if I was able to dettach, even with the constant reopening of scars, you can, too!!
(((MissFixIt))))
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Thanks everyone!
Freedom, my interview went very well. I have a second one lined up for Wed and this might be the one that decides if I am hired. Today I got approval from the higher ups, so I need to meet the man I will be working with and hopefully if we get along and can work together, I'll nail it!!
Ready and K,
Thanks for the support. My self esteem has been gone for the last 5 months, so I am processing a lot today. My joy for myself and excitment of returning "home." The fear came out of no where and was like a massive anxiety attack in the car.
Running into my friend was so brief that I didn't want to scare him or be weird with telling him anything about the situation. I had avoided thinking about how to handle these typew of interactions, but with each old friend it will likely come up (they don't know the real story, so theyjust assume I broke it off with him last year). Not talking about it, so for now just smile and being silent.
Freedom, my interview went very well. I have a second one lined up for Wed and this might be the one that decides if I am hired. Today I got approval from the higher ups, so I need to meet the man I will be working with and hopefully if we get along and can work together, I'll nail it!!
Ready and K,
Thanks for the support. My self esteem has been gone for the last 5 months, so I am processing a lot today. My joy for myself and excitment of returning "home." The fear came out of no where and was like a massive anxiety attack in the car.
Running into my friend was so brief that I didn't want to scare him or be weird with telling him anything about the situation. I had avoided thinking about how to handle these typew of interactions, but with each old friend it will likely come up (they don't know the real story, so theyjust assume I broke it off with him last year). Not talking about it, so for now just smile and being silent.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Wow that's great, good luck for that next interview!!
Oh of course, I felt scared, and sometimes I still do. That is why I try to avoid him as much as I can. How? I always using dark glasses when I am outside, to avoid any eye contact. And I wear my iPod for further distraction.
I learned that from him, LOL. I acted like him in a theater lesson and found out that wearing glasses and an iPod was helpful, because I was tired of him seeing me teary or with puffy eyes, and his friends as well, and I filled my iPod with music I LOVE so I get distracted and remember better times / alone and with other people.
But many times Miss, I look and feel so much better, that I do not care if I see him or not. Now that I am saner, I really start realizing that I DID NOTHING WRONG, that I never hurt him in purpose. That I tried and put my best to end amicably as I always do with ppl that I cared about. And him, with his immature, destructive actions, one on top of the other, made that friendly indifference impossible. I made friends with an addict in recovery in AA, and he helped me see that I do not have to carry HIS guilt or HIS actions. I was naive, but it was an act of self protection when I left, and I left when my gut told me to RUN. I do not lack anything. And I did not cause his disease. Its HIS disease. Not mine.
What he did is his to bear or drown. As soon as you are in peace with your own errors, forgive yourself and the guy, fear is no longer there... just a sense of completion, of turning the page. Its amazing how the physical setting and characters can be the same, the same scenario, but from Oct. and March I feel completely different
So keep on with the inner work!!
If its a small town its very possible you will run into him at some point, so start picturing that, how are you going to act? Are you going no contact, ignoring him altogether?
I am rooting for you
Oh of course, I felt scared, and sometimes I still do. That is why I try to avoid him as much as I can. How? I always using dark glasses when I am outside, to avoid any eye contact. And I wear my iPod for further distraction.
I learned that from him, LOL. I acted like him in a theater lesson and found out that wearing glasses and an iPod was helpful, because I was tired of him seeing me teary or with puffy eyes, and his friends as well, and I filled my iPod with music I LOVE so I get distracted and remember better times / alone and with other people.
But many times Miss, I look and feel so much better, that I do not care if I see him or not. Now that I am saner, I really start realizing that I DID NOTHING WRONG, that I never hurt him in purpose. That I tried and put my best to end amicably as I always do with ppl that I cared about. And him, with his immature, destructive actions, one on top of the other, made that friendly indifference impossible. I made friends with an addict in recovery in AA, and he helped me see that I do not have to carry HIS guilt or HIS actions. I was naive, but it was an act of self protection when I left, and I left when my gut told me to RUN. I do not lack anything. And I did not cause his disease. Its HIS disease. Not mine.
What he did is his to bear or drown. As soon as you are in peace with your own errors, forgive yourself and the guy, fear is no longer there... just a sense of completion, of turning the page. Its amazing how the physical setting and characters can be the same, the same scenario, but from Oct. and March I feel completely different
So keep on with the inner work!! If its a small town its very possible you will run into him at some point, so start picturing that, how are you going to act? Are you going no contact, ignoring him altogether?
I am rooting for you
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Well, good question. We've been in no contact as I have been living 100 miles away. He left me the disrespectful voicemail in Oct, so I never called him back. I did write a letter in Dec asking him for my things and telling him that I won't be covering up his lies. Followed up with a 2 sentence email the week after the letter to which his new love responded that I should not contact him. From me that has been ALL the interaction. He/they have contacted my godmother and father many times and most recently she emailed me. None of us responds. I guess that is no contact from my end. I will continue on that path.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Miss,
Then, if you run into him, act as if you do not know him. In fact you do not know him anymore. Do you agree he is no longer the person you fell in love with?
Now if he says hi to you, then you can say something like "hi, what do you need?" as aloof as possible. I have done that when interacting with F. at work. To the point.
Of course I would prefer to be able to chat amicably, etc, but sadly, they do not make any further interaction possible due to their actions.
And on with your day.
It is also possible that your HP makes it so that you never run into him, but I think that the best way to be prepared for that is to keep on releasing your feelings, attending meetings, journaling, going to a therapist, etc. so you feel stronger and stronger, and your thoughts and emotions are directed to more constructive thoughts, like the wonderful life awaiting for you, and the steps you will take to build it
Damn, its so easy to talk about it, LOL but we will be with you whatever happens and however you feel.. you may find out its not as horrible as you imagine! or maybe a rush of emotions washes over you, and it will be a matter of going through them, learning from them... see, one way or the other, you will be learning and growing. Anyway it goes.... everything will be Ok
PS While finishing this post my random player chose the "Mission Impossible" theme, LOL.. just remember... Tom Cruise was able to steal the database, so it wasn't so impossible after all!!
Then, if you run into him, act as if you do not know him. In fact you do not know him anymore. Do you agree he is no longer the person you fell in love with?
Now if he says hi to you, then you can say something like "hi, what do you need?" as aloof as possible. I have done that when interacting with F. at work. To the point.
Of course I would prefer to be able to chat amicably, etc, but sadly, they do not make any further interaction possible due to their actions.
And on with your day.
It is also possible that your HP makes it so that you never run into him, but I think that the best way to be prepared for that is to keep on releasing your feelings, attending meetings, journaling, going to a therapist, etc. so you feel stronger and stronger, and your thoughts and emotions are directed to more constructive thoughts, like the wonderful life awaiting for you, and the steps you will take to build it
Damn, its so easy to talk about it, LOL but we will be with you whatever happens and however you feel.. you may find out its not as horrible as you imagine! or maybe a rush of emotions washes over you, and it will be a matter of going through them, learning from them... see, one way or the other, you will be learning and growing. Anyway it goes.... everything will be Ok
PS While finishing this post my random player chose the "Mission Impossible" theme, LOL.. just remember... Tom Cruise was able to steal the database, so it wasn't so impossible after all!!
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