Daisy30

I am not sure if I mentioned this in another post or not, BUt it has really been eating at me for about three weeks. I am not sure if this is one of those "does it need to be said?" moments?? I would appreciate any input

Recently AH asked me to not contact his parents if I need a babysitter/help with the kids. He must have said something to them also along these lines.

He feels that I should ask him to watch the kids first and if he isn't available then I can ask his parents. This is just crazy b/c I don't allow him to be alone with the kids.

I know it is just him trying to be the puppet master. And that he doesn't want me having contact with his parents b/c he might get caught in a lie, or we might discuss him behind his back, etc.

SO intially when he said this....I just ignored it as the quacking of and A. I then called my IL's to see if they could stay with the kids one day (while I volunteered at DD school). They did no answer their phone, so I left a message. They never returned my call.

Also, FIL used to call me about once a week to check in (since the seperation). Those calls have stopped. MIL and FIL had also told me they would help with the kids, even babysit every once in a while so I could have time to myself.

I have heard nothing from them since Ah put this in place. And well I feel hurt. It makes me sad just typing this. I don't know why I can't get past it? May be I am failing to see that they are not far enough along in their recovery to *let go*.
I feel like he has them under his control. Pulling all the strings.


So, Does it need to be said? Do I call them and express my feelings? Tell them that I feel sad that I have lost their support? Or just let it go.....?

blessed4x

Blood is thicker than water. You are probably right on with your feelings about your AH trying to control, but there is not a thing you can do to change what is.

What would you be hoping to get out of the conversation? Would you be getting the last word in? You know the truth of what happened, and that is all that matters. I think it's fine to let them know you still care about them and want them to be a part of their grandchildrens lives, but I would check your motives closely.

Daisy30

I really have to think about what I would hope to get out of the conversation.??

It is probably the codie in me trying to fix things. I probably hope that they would see the light and realize that they were getting sucked in.

I really just need to turn it over to God.

It's me who can't detach from them......ahhhh

Were making a train now I suppose....lol

IL's are attached to AH and I'm attched to the IL's.........come on baby do the locamotion......

Freedom1990

At least you can have a sense of humor about it! I'd go stark raving bananas if I couldn't laugh about a lot of things!

:ghug :ghug

Pelican

Chuga, Chuga, Chooo, Choooo!

It's their loss, maybe they'll come back around soon!

SleepyCherie

This is one of those "Accept the things we cannot change" moments Sorry hun..

GiveLove

I think they may come around eventually, Daisy. Just let it go and let life keep movin' on down the tracks.

Think about it: They likely have an alcoholic in their face, basically threatening them with his anger if they continue in their support of you and the kids right now. Many older folks especially just don't have the social skills to get past that kind of threat. If they want to be part of their grandchildren's lives, they will eventually find a way past it....but pressuring them now might not help at all.

Is there any other way you can get child care so you can safely have time to yourself?
One that has no strings attached?


GL

freya

In a situation like this there are 2 things that would really influence how I decided to handle it:

1) How dysfunctional is the A's family's dynamic in general? If they are, in general, reasonable people who communicare honestly and directly, then I would be likely to try to talk to them about it, face-to-face, once, assuming that everyone involved (with, of course, the excpetion of the A) are and would behave like rational, mature adults whose primary concern is the welfare of the grandkids. On the other hand, if high-drama dysfunction is the typical MO in the family, then no-way; I'd just be setting myself up for frustration and disappointment.

2) How much to I like these people and want to maintain a relationship with them, aside from the fact that it would be helpful to have their babysitting services?

freya

Daisy30

Thanks for the input!!

GL ~ I have my mom who has been a great help. She watches the kids once a week so I can get to a meeting. She still works and lives an hour away. So she is not always available. She has been such a blessing through all of this.

ETA: I have recently opened up to a few friends about our seperation and they have been great and said they would watch the kids anytime. I haven't called on them yet...but it is nice to know.

My IL's are retired. They are a highly functional family. They would speak open and honest with me w/o any added drama.
I really do like my IL's and had hoped that we could work through this together and have eachother for support. They used to tell me about their counceling sessions. I advised them to try out Al-anon. I loaned them some of my books to read. They would talk to me about them.
But when it is all said and done, I know I cannot force a relationship. I have to letit go.
Regardless of what lies AH has spewed about me etc. What people think of me is NONE of MY business.

It is just sad. Like losing a friend. I could care less about the babysitting help. It is the loss of support that hurts.