Toomutch

I have been thinking lately about our growth as alcoholics after we become sober. IMO we are not growing emotionally during the years that we are actively drinking, therefore the majority of us remain children on an emotional level. Does this mean we still need to be parented? How do we continue to grow without parenting?

My mom is still a great parent, but she can’t necessarily nurture those aspects of my life that I missed out on due to drinking since I was 15 years old.

For me I count on the Lord to parent me, to teach me. And although I always want to remain a kid at heart, I also want to grow on an emotional level.
Does anyone have any thoughts on this random topic?

Tazman53

Good topic, I have noticed that the younger one starts really drinking alcoholically the less mature they tend to be in a lot of areas, I was still extremely self centered and egotistical right up until I got sober, much like a 16 or 17 year old, I knew it all, the world was wrong and I was right, if I was in charge it was my way or the high way. I have drastically changed in that regards but still have quite a ways to go.

Since both of my parents have passed I would have to say that my guidance today comes from a power greater then myself as well as what I hear in the rooms, my greater power aides me in deciding on what I hear in the rooms I should keep and what I should leave there.

I have a feeling that the lack of maturity many of us have due to our drinking hurts us in seeing just how much of a problem we have, it also hurts us when it comes to asking for help and accepting critisism.

I know when I was a teenager no one could tell me a darn thing, I knew it all, and may the Lord help you if you told me I may be wrong about something or I could not do something without some help & guidance!!!!

parentrecovers

great topic, toomutch! this is something my husband and i struggle with in regards to our daughter. she's too old now for us to parent (almost 25) but due to her drinking and using, her maturity level is more like a teen. it's real hard as parents to know what to do to help/nudge her along sometimes. i'm looking forward to more responses here..

thanks, k

Aysha

I know since I started using at 12. I am definately lackin maturity. I dont know..Maybe it has nothing to do with using. But I am pretty sure it does.
I can act like an adult if I have to. But I dont most of the time.

least

I'm not sure where I fit in this equation as I started drinking in my mid fifties! Interesting topic tho.

kj3880

I agree. I didn't use until I was 42. And I notice a big difference between me a year into recovery, having had education, a career and raised children sucessfully and owning a home, and some of those less fortunate people who became addicted in their youth. I have a much easier time getting ahold of priniciples, I think. And I do try to take suggestions. I'm not perfect, but I can see a lot of very rapid progress in my recovery.

KJ

Itsmytime

I started drinking early - 14/15, had an alcoholic father and very ill mother. My brothers were all out of the house and I think I was craving discipline. Even today I miss not having a sibling closer to my age with both parents and one brother gone. I really feel like a child sometimes, I think it is my inner child needing some nurturing.

Great post...

CAPTAINZING2000

I can see the growth in myself these days. That speaks volumes in itself!!

Toomutch

I can relate well with my children on their level, it's like that generation gap isn't quite big as it otherwise would be if I wasn't an alcoholic. I crack up over really immature situations and can actually sit with my kids and actually be at their level.

Being as I am a parent of teens it can get a bit interesting trying to be the athority figure. With God's blessing I must be doing a fairly good job at it, because I do have good kids.

Astro

I always considered myself a high-functioning alcoholic, I did pretty well in most aspects of life but my parents kept an eye on me and were usually there for support. Relationships were another story, I was totally immature in them and I guess it's still a learning process for me, progress not perfection.

I can totally relate to my children too though, in some ways I'd rather be in their company than out with people my age. I guess I try to find a healthy balance of both. Even before I found recovery, my kids often commented on how much their friends liked being around me because I didn't talk down to them, I do my best to treat children as equals.

firestorm090

Interesting topic. I agree that alcohol stunts our growth, especially emotionally; however there are some areas of life that I have managed quite well, so it makes me really look at those areas. When I think about it, I do well in areas and with topics that don't involve emotions. In college, I did real well with algebra, history and the like, however I dropped a couple of classes because they were too involved emotionally. I do well supervising people, because I remain detached. Actually, I've never really learned to bond closely to others, I feel like a cripple in that area of life. I've attended funerals of people who were a big part of my life, but could not shed a tear. I often feel alone in a crowded room, even if I know everyone there, so I've always used alcohol as a social lubricant. My marriage fell apart a few years ago, mainly because I did not really know how to bond or understand my wife. I still don't know what women want, so I've decided to stay single, to save women from the aggravation of putting up with me. Maybe that's why alcohol became my closest companion, I didn't have to relate to it, I just drank it, and presto, I was a different person, someone fun to be around, at least to the other drunks like me. It became my only way to fit in, and now I don't know how. That s*cks.

Maybe it's never too late to grow up.

Gypsy Feet

I know starting at the age of 14 I missed some important lessons. I never learned how to deal with grief, stress, or hurt without numbing it. It scares me to think we are suppose to feel that much pain without self medicating, but I am sober, and I will figure the rest out.

ToABetterMe

I have also heard this in my alcohol awareness program.

jamdls

I was extremely immature throughout my drinking life and I didn't quit drinking until I was 50! 5 months after I got sober my mother passed away, I had not seen her nor the rest of my family in nearly 10 years largely because of my alcoholism, I would talk to them but I was generally drunk and didn't make much sense. Anyhow I saw my family when mom died and afterwards I heard my sisters and brother had all commented on "how mature" I had become. At first I thought it was strange thing to say, heck I was over 50, of course I was mature, but then I realized that I had finally grown up instead of being the alcoholic idiot I had been for over 30 years.

I love being sober.

J

Hevyn

I'm sure I stunted my emotional growth. I drank any time feelings tried to surface. Happy - Sad - Grief Stricken - Scared - all were dealt with by drinking. Getting numb was never a solution, though it seemed like a great one at the time. I never learned to be strong, to work through rough times. There's no getting around it, we pay at the time or we pay later. The feelings have to be dealt with at some point, making getting sober that much more difficult. I remember at times coming out of my "coma" just long enough to see what was going on around me, then quickly diving back into the bottle to calm myself down & avoid facing the truth. I can't believe I lived that way for so long. Thanks for the reminder, Suzette.