On his own
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 10
On his own
Hi everyone,
I first posted here a while back about my AS, 20 years old, who is also dual-diagnosis with depression/ADHD. Well he came home drunk again a couple of weeks ago, so we put restrictions on him for a month. Mind you he was so wasted he didn't know that he had come home, and he had a black eye, also. The next evening he announced he was going out again, and we "could stuff our restrictions." So he has been living at a friend's for almost two weeks now. He is waiting for a lump sum check from his father's business, but we aren't willing to let him have the money. I know he will buy a junker car, then we will have a DUI (or worse) to deal with in addition to everything else. I am willing to help him minimally with groceries, but not give him any cash. Anyone else dealing with this? I don't want to enable, but I don't want his friend to put him on the street.
I first posted here a while back about my AS, 20 years old, who is also dual-diagnosis with depression/ADHD. Well he came home drunk again a couple of weeks ago, so we put restrictions on him for a month. Mind you he was so wasted he didn't know that he had come home, and he had a black eye, also. The next evening he announced he was going out again, and we "could stuff our restrictions." So he has been living at a friend's for almost two weeks now. He is waiting for a lump sum check from his father's business, but we aren't willing to let him have the money. I know he will buy a junker car, then we will have a DUI (or worse) to deal with in addition to everything else. I am willing to help him minimally with groceries, but not give him any cash. Anyone else dealing with this? I don't want to enable, but I don't want his friend to put him on the street.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
jennmac, it seems to me like you're doing the right things.
Remember: YOU wouldn't have a DUI to deal with - HE would have a DUI to deal with. His problems are only yours if you accept them. He's an adult.
I think he's fortunate to have you there so he won't starve if he screws up again, but in reality alcoholics often find ways to get what they want no matter what.
As for the money.....if it is HIS money, that's a pretty sticky place to be. I understand your logic but I would be careful of the legalities. The friend might be letting him be there on the condition that he eventually be paid rent. So by withholding what is (?again, unsure?) your son's, you may be affecting the outcome of that situation.
Do you attend Al-Anon? I know that in my home group there were several parents of A children who shared ideas and support. There are many parents on this board and I know they'll be along with their thoughts.
Take care of yourself, and try to stay in the NOW.
Remember: YOU wouldn't have a DUI to deal with - HE would have a DUI to deal with. His problems are only yours if you accept them. He's an adult.
I think he's fortunate to have you there so he won't starve if he screws up again, but in reality alcoholics often find ways to get what they want no matter what.
As for the money.....if it is HIS money, that's a pretty sticky place to be. I understand your logic but I would be careful of the legalities. The friend might be letting him be there on the condition that he eventually be paid rent. So by withholding what is (?again, unsure?) your son's, you may be affecting the outcome of that situation.
Do you attend Al-Anon? I know that in my home group there were several parents of A children who shared ideas and support. There are many parents on this board and I know they'll be along with their thoughts.
Take care of yourself, and try to stay in the NOW.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Antioch, Ca.
Posts: 158
Well it sounds like you have some control. HEY! Welcome to my world. my 19 year old is living at home, an addict. Comes from a wonderful home, a beautiful young man, who has a joy to my life. I have watched him go from a beautiful, stapping young man to a skinny, bitter, mean demon. My heart aches for him. I would really rather be dealing with an alcoholic than a drug addict. At least yours sobers up. No telling where my son is getting the money to support his habit. I have nightmares...........how could this happen??? what did i do wrong??????????
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 10
Thanks for the replies. I have tried "family" counseling while my son was in rehab (first attempt). I felt ashamed and my privacy violated; on top of that there was one "caring" mother in the family group who told me MY son seemed "broken". (We told my son to try rehab or go to a homeless shelter, so he didn't cooperate in rehab.)
I have all of the guilt feelings, too. I know that I have to take responsibility for my reactions, but it is so difficult not to jump in and "rescue" my son. The medical professionals we deal with don't give much guidance since my son had a suicide attempt; they leave every decision about handling him to us. Thanks again, it feels good to get this off my chest.
I have all of the guilt feelings, too. I know that I have to take responsibility for my reactions, but it is so difficult not to jump in and "rescue" my son. The medical professionals we deal with don't give much guidance since my son had a suicide attempt; they leave every decision about handling him to us. Thanks again, it feels good to get this off my chest.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
jenmac,
I don't have any advice, as the alcoholic in my life is my husband. I just wanted to say that my heart aches for what you're going through, it must be so very difficult.
Do you go to al-anon meetings? There were many there when I was able to go who had alcoholic and addict children. If you can do that, you'd find a great deal of support for yourself.
I don't have any advice, as the alcoholic in my life is my husband. I just wanted to say that my heart aches for what you're going through, it must be so very difficult.
Do you go to al-anon meetings? There were many there when I was able to go who had alcoholic and addict children. If you can do that, you'd find a great deal of support for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
My 31 year old AD is a very clever girl. She's never been homeless for more than 24 hours, never gone hungry, has had several stints in jail, always manages to fulfill her terms of probation, and is currently waiting her final psych eval so she can collect disability the rest of her life.
She gets nothing from me, zilch zero, nada. No money, no groceries, no temp place to stay.
She grew up around the rooms of AA since age 8 (I'm in recovery), knows there's a better way to live, and has chosen the other path.
I sleep well at night knowing I have completely turned her over to God, and my happiness isn't contingent on what she is/isn't doing with her life.
She gets nothing from me, zilch zero, nada. No money, no groceries, no temp place to stay.
She grew up around the rooms of AA since age 8 (I'm in recovery), knows there's a better way to live, and has chosen the other path.
I sleep well at night knowing I have completely turned her over to God, and my happiness isn't contingent on what she is/isn't doing with her life.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
From my years and years attending meetings (AA), working with alcoholics, sponsoring friends sons etc, from my vantage point, I would listen to Freedom1990, if I were in a similar situation I would ask her to sponsor me.
Her experience is extensive and vast, and while it seems "hard" and "cold" it's really not.
Alcoholics and drug addicts continue until the wheels fall off, even by feeding them you can "love" them to death.
By not enabling, you have a chance.
My experience was with my sister, and she finally came to me and got sober a few years after I stopped "helping" her. I had let her know I couldn't help her as long as she was using, but should she decide to get sober, I would bend Heaven and Earth to do what I could for her.
I'm the one she called, but when I made that pronouncement we both had tears running down our faces, it was one of the hardest things I ever had to say to another human being.
Turned out to be one of the best, when she "hit her bottom" all she could "see" in her mind was my hand reaching out to her saying "Call me when you are done and I will come for you" and she said that's what gave her the courage to get clean, was the knowledge her big brother would come save her.
She stayed sober for quite a few years...had a baby...she may be sober now, I'm not sure, she had relapsed when we last talked so I cut contact again.
Her experience is extensive and vast, and while it seems "hard" and "cold" it's really not.
Alcoholics and drug addicts continue until the wheels fall off, even by feeding them you can "love" them to death.
By not enabling, you have a chance.
My experience was with my sister, and she finally came to me and got sober a few years after I stopped "helping" her. I had let her know I couldn't help her as long as she was using, but should she decide to get sober, I would bend Heaven and Earth to do what I could for her.
I'm the one she called, but when I made that pronouncement we both had tears running down our faces, it was one of the hardest things I ever had to say to another human being.
Turned out to be one of the best, when she "hit her bottom" all she could "see" in her mind was my hand reaching out to her saying "Call me when you are done and I will come for you" and she said that's what gave her the courage to get clean, was the knowledge her big brother would come save her.
She stayed sober for quite a few years...had a baby...she may be sober now, I'm not sure, she had relapsed when we last talked so I cut contact again.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
It becomes impossible to control ...
Really all we have to offer our addict/alcoholic adult kids is a treatment plan.
Otherwise, it is like harnessing a hurricane.
It is difficult to allow them to live with us and not live a productive life, it we do we become imeshed in the problem.
Really all we have to offer our addict/alcoholic adult kids is a treatment plan.
Otherwise, it is like harnessing a hurricane.
It is difficult to allow them to live with us and not live a productive life, it we do we become imeshed in the problem.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 10
Thanks to everyone who replied. I really need the support right now. I just talked to him today, he has no food in the house and a very bad cough. It's tough to stay detached, but I'm going to for my own sanity.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Jen, just want to offer you hugs ((((())))) and love,
you are doing the right thing by all accounts, and I am sure he will find himself the things he needs to survive, and if his addiction means that he cannot, that may well be the time he sits down and evaluates his life.
Good luck to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
you are doing the right thing by all accounts, and I am sure he will find himself the things he needs to survive, and if his addiction means that he cannot, that may well be the time he sits down and evaluates his life.
Good luck to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Ago 
From my years and years attending meetings (AA), working with alcoholics, sponsoring friends sons etc, from my vantage point, I would listen to Freedom1990, if I were in a similar situation I would ask her to sponsor me.
Anything I share as the mother of an addict has been learned the hard way. I didn't get to where I am overnight.
Tough love goes against a mother's natural instinct to rescue.
I hit my 'enabler' bottom when I took my oldest AD after her 9 month stay in jail on felony drug charges. It took her less than one month to turn the entire household upside down and suck her then 15 year old sister into her sickness. I kicked her to the curb. A short time later my 15 year old ran away in the middle of the night, in a car with my oldest AD and a 24 year old predator that my oldest AD had introduced her to.
I have nothing to offer my oldest AD. As I said, she's a clever girl. She's kept her enablers in place, and she's had many over the years. I won't be one of them.
My bottom in my addictions came after being on the receiving end of fists from my EXAH for five long years. Who am I to say what my AD's bottom is? Who am I to know what God's plan is for her?
What I do know is I have gotten out of God's way. It took every single excruciating thing I went through in my addictions, including being beaten on a daily basis for five years in order for me to hit a bottom.
I can't. He can. I will let him.
End of story.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Antioch, Ca.
Posts: 158
jenmac,
I have just given my 19 yr old the alternative. I shake as i write this. I went home yesterday armed with alot of wonderful responses hoping to get thru to him. I arrived home to find him lounging in his room, as he has done for the last 4 months. I forgot to say that i chatted with a few yesterday afternoon, and they gave me some powerful advice, 1) make him leave home, 2) he is not your son anymore. any feelings he once had are gone. Nothing fazes him but his addiction. You are Nothing but a pawn in his addiction. and much more. I was adamant that my son still loved us, I choose to ignore the verbal abuse and all other signs, confident i could get thru to him. As i give him the papers, i tell him that this has to change. He has one week to decide to go to rehab or leave. He just looked at me and had an evil smirk, and informed me he would NEVER quit.
I knew then what i had to do. I told him to leave. he had one week, the locks on the doors would be changed as well as an officer would assist him out if he didn't leave voluntarily. The car we just bought him would remain @ home. Since he has again lost his cell phone, 3rd time in 3 months, i would not replace it. As i am speaking he is telling me to get out. After every sentence i say, he tears one of the papers in half over and over. I calmly walk out. He remains in his room the remainder of the evening after a slew of insults on how much he hated me. My heart is beyond broken. couldn't sleep last night, I am a zombie, dreading the weekend. M
How will i cope if i hear he has a cough and nothing to eat. We are family, my god. how do you find the courage.. How can I??????
this is a nightmare, please let me wake up
Susan
I have just given my 19 yr old the alternative. I shake as i write this. I went home yesterday armed with alot of wonderful responses hoping to get thru to him. I arrived home to find him lounging in his room, as he has done for the last 4 months. I forgot to say that i chatted with a few yesterday afternoon, and they gave me some powerful advice, 1) make him leave home, 2) he is not your son anymore. any feelings he once had are gone. Nothing fazes him but his addiction. You are Nothing but a pawn in his addiction. and much more. I was adamant that my son still loved us, I choose to ignore the verbal abuse and all other signs, confident i could get thru to him. As i give him the papers, i tell him that this has to change. He has one week to decide to go to rehab or leave. He just looked at me and had an evil smirk, and informed me he would NEVER quit.
I knew then what i had to do. I told him to leave. he had one week, the locks on the doors would be changed as well as an officer would assist him out if he didn't leave voluntarily. The car we just bought him would remain @ home. Since he has again lost his cell phone, 3rd time in 3 months, i would not replace it. As i am speaking he is telling me to get out. After every sentence i say, he tears one of the papers in half over and over. I calmly walk out. He remains in his room the remainder of the evening after a slew of insults on how much he hated me. My heart is beyond broken. couldn't sleep last night, I am a zombie, dreading the weekend. M
How will i cope if i hear he has a cough and nothing to eat. We are family, my god. how do you find the courage.. How can I??????
this is a nightmare, please let me wake up
Susan
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by dslalonde
How will i cope if i hear he has a cough and nothing to eat. We are family, my god. how do you find the courage.. How can I??????
:ghug :ghug
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