SHawk25

I've been doing alot of reflection on my last decade to see how I got to where I am now..

I believe I didn't take my life seriously, just wanted to have fun.. Didn't have any worries in the world, figured if I got into any kind of trouble (Financial, Legal) I would get bailed out.. (Figure of speech, never been to jail) Usually by my parents, they always would.

But through this last decade I think it starting turning to I just don't care. Stopped being really committed to the gym, just went in spurts. Didn't care about my finances. I'd go to the bar or buy something, even if I had to put a bill off.. I wouldn't care. And in my relationship I just took her for granted. I guess since I didn't really care about myself, how can I treat another the way one should be treated.

Now having been alone for a week, I've had time to see who I've become in the last decade and how I don't want to be that person anymore. Just by doing little things around the house (dishes, laundry, putting things away, keeping things neat) have been very rewarding to me.. I've gotten back into the gym, but the physical part of me will take some time. Last week I barely ate, I'm still getting over a sinus infection.. But my strength is coming back and everything will be good.. When this weather gets warmer, hopefully this afternoon, I'm gonna start going on walks again..

Tazman53

SHawk I remember being so tied up in myself and what I enjoyed doing, it was all about me, I actually felt that the world revolved around me and that anything that went wrong in my life was always some one elses fault or just bad luck. Self centeredness was one of my major issues.

Then it all came tumbling down, reality struck me upside the head like a 2X4 and I saw everything I cared about disentergrating around me, the booze had me. I sobered up, and realized I had to change who I was in order to stay sober and be happy doing it. Funny thing but in changing myself I found that my greatest joys in life were helping others.

getr345

When I was at this point of initial self-reflection in my recovery, I realized that I was addicted to escape & that I spent the past twenty years doing drugs and alcohol to escape from the reality of my past and present. It's an important step to realize why you did what you did and it seems like you are taking that step. Good for you, and good luck moving forward. Make everyday truly count in some way towards your recovery and you'll be just fine. It's so nice to see people making such changes and sharing with others.

Aysha

I think it is a huge step to look inside yourself and really see yourself in all lights.
Not just the good but the bad as well.
Addiction makes alot of become very selfish.
And I know what you mean about the not caring by figuring someone will always be there to bail you out. That has how its always been for me. But now I dont have that luxury anymore. It all lays on me now.
Self reflection can be tough. But it is a great steo in the right direction.
I am glad you are thinking more positive.
Remember to keep the focus on yourself and your getting better. Sounds like your doing pretty good.
After awhile. Just do the right thing and stay the course. It will be noticed by the ones we have wronged. And then healing anf forgiveness can take place.
I am almost postive that more times than not. Our actions speak louder than words.
Keep it up.

Future22

Getting into the gym is one of the best things I think. Now that I am not draining my muscles with alcohol hopefully I can make some decent gains, instead of gaining then binging and having my muscle ate. The gym is like my hour to myself. Just put on the headphones and get to work.

SHawk25

Yeah, I've always loved the gym and working out. It's my sanctuary. My problem was that I drank too much on the weekends, which also lead to eating bad. So my whole week I'd be working off all the calories I put in on the weekends. Plus I do a Sunday evening workout, it's nice not being drained from a rough weekend.

Believe808

Glad to see you are feeling good Shawk.

Future22

I hear ya, yeah the drinking was definitely offsetting my workouts, actually probably hurting them more than offsetting them.

original

I thought about all the good things alcohol had done for me.
There wern't any!

Sure, sometimes it was fun, but MOST of the time, it was just embarrasing or stupid. My parents also bailed me out of many situations caused by drinking as well, so I get you there.

For sure it was an escape, but from what!? I'm still trying to figure that one out... counselling tommorow, hopefully there'll be some insight.

Shawk, you're on the right path.
nice one bud.

Anna

It sounds like you already have a good perspective on how your addiction affected your life.

I also found the simple things in my life took on a whole new meaning for me. I was actually quite surprised that the routines in my life gave me a sense of security and accomplishment.

Good for you!

SHawk25

Yeah the last few months/years I got really lazy around the house.. I would see a sink full of dishes and just add to it. Or wouldn't even hang my coat up, just threw it on the couch, and left clothes laying in the bedroom..

It's embarassing to think how she basically was my mom.. Had to clean up after me, I truely understand how upset that made her..

Now that I've been doing all the housework, I was shocked to see how little time it actually takes if you just do it.. And how rewarding it is.. And how refreshing it is to live in a clean house.. It was never trashy, but she did alot of work to keep it nice.. Especially with having me around the house making a mess.

zxcirce

i think your fiancee leaving you might have been the best thing that's happened to you shawk. sometimes it takes a giant shock to make us see our errors.

i hope you are able to keep this perspective as your recovery continues. good luck!

SoberforME

This really resonated with me because I've always been a messy person. My Mom was retired (had me at 40) and literally did everything so once I moved out I would just live in mess. Then I began drinking and that made it worse.

Yes me too. I'm now cleaning up after myself and am amazed in what I can get done in an hour.

SHawk25

Yes others have told me that.. I was in too much pain and missed her too much to understand. But now I do.. If she wouldn't have done anything drastic like this, I probably would never have stopped to better myself.

I'm gonna better myself for me and enjoy myself again. But I do hope to God that see can forgive me and come back.

zxcirce

yeah, it seems that most things that cause us to reevaluate and grow as a person come from a place of pain, because contentment can lead to complacency.

i wouldn't say it's a "good" thing she left you to figure your stuff out, maybe "important" is a better word.

good luck!

Believe808

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.

-Helen Keller

Good luck on your sobriety Shawk