please remind me why i need to stay away from a crack addict!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 2
please remind me why i need to stay away from a crack addict!
hi. i am new here. this is my first post. i have been reading for at least an hour and have been drawn in by all the knowledge and wisdom.
let me tell u a little about me. i am sober and in aa. i am codependent and just started alanon. i have read codependent no more and many many books on the subject, seen therapists, but still struggle with it big time. i have a lifelong history of being with alcoholics and addicts. my father is an addict. i grew up around them/it. i think in a way even sober i am addicted to being around the insanity, chaos, pain and misery of addiction. i have spent a lifetime nursing wounded emotional invalids, trying to save them, rescue them, nurture them, love them only to fail each time. its a losing battle. i know that intellectually. emotionally i am stuck! whom i choose has seemed to get worse over the years. this is the first time i have ever dealt with crack or a crack addict. my drug of choice was pretty much alcohol and pot and that is the kind of addict i am or was used to dealing with.
right now i am struggling but staying away from my x who has relapsed and is on a wicked crack run. i broke up with him 2 and a half months ago after a relapse. i have been with him for a few years and have taken him back after several relapses when he decided to get clean. i don't want to do it anymore.
the last time i saw him was a month and a week ago. he looked horrible and i supsected he was using again but he denied it. i cut him out of my life again after a few days because the signs were just there and i was petrified.
well it turns out he is using hardcore around the clock and doing everything horrible thing you can imagine to get it. he quit working and is basically just a slave to finding money to get high. while i haven't seen him, i have taken phone calls here and there, talked with his mother and family and just have found out way too many details that are so painful to hear. The lengths he is going to to get money, get high, find people to get high with, turning people onto crack etc. are just disgusting. he is a compulsive liar and the things he is doing now to get money, hell, they are things i thought i would only hear about on the news or about someone elses life, not mine, not my x. but i knew what i was getting into. we were in recovery together for awhile but i knew his past. why did i think it wasn't going to resurface? that he wasn't going to relapse? and each time he did, i went into self-deception again, telling myself he deserved another chance.
even after all i've found out about the pathetic immoral things he is doing now, after hearing lie after lie after lie...why do i still even care? why do i wan't updates? its like i am addicted.
i worry, don't sleep right, don't eat right, obssess about what he is doing and with whom, wonder if he is going to call and keep going over and over in my head, i can't believe i lost him to crack. as insane and wrong as it is, i allow myself to feel rejected and unloved that he has chosen it over me. i know its a lie but i still struggle with wanting him to choose me over it.
i know i can't save him. i know that trying is enabling. yet i still went and tried to do an intervention with his family. he never even showed up. he was too busy selling, robbing, stealing to get high or getting high.
step one, i am powerless. so why even pick up the phone? why not change my number? do i really think he'll get clean? and if he does why would i ever risk going through this again and chances are from what i have learned about crack addicts, is that i would most likely be going through it again.
how do i stop romanticizing the past time i had with him when he was clean? i am struggling to look at him for who he is and get caught up in what i thought he was or could possibly be if he were to get clean again. i am my own worst enemy, my thinking.
how do i learn to detach?
why is it so hard to let the fantasy go of what i thought we could be?!
i need to stop this cycle!
i need to learn to love myself enough. apparently i really don't.
let me tell u a little about me. i am sober and in aa. i am codependent and just started alanon. i have read codependent no more and many many books on the subject, seen therapists, but still struggle with it big time. i have a lifelong history of being with alcoholics and addicts. my father is an addict. i grew up around them/it. i think in a way even sober i am addicted to being around the insanity, chaos, pain and misery of addiction. i have spent a lifetime nursing wounded emotional invalids, trying to save them, rescue them, nurture them, love them only to fail each time. its a losing battle. i know that intellectually. emotionally i am stuck! whom i choose has seemed to get worse over the years. this is the first time i have ever dealt with crack or a crack addict. my drug of choice was pretty much alcohol and pot and that is the kind of addict i am or was used to dealing with.
right now i am struggling but staying away from my x who has relapsed and is on a wicked crack run. i broke up with him 2 and a half months ago after a relapse. i have been with him for a few years and have taken him back after several relapses when he decided to get clean. i don't want to do it anymore.
the last time i saw him was a month and a week ago. he looked horrible and i supsected he was using again but he denied it. i cut him out of my life again after a few days because the signs were just there and i was petrified.
well it turns out he is using hardcore around the clock and doing everything horrible thing you can imagine to get it. he quit working and is basically just a slave to finding money to get high. while i haven't seen him, i have taken phone calls here and there, talked with his mother and family and just have found out way too many details that are so painful to hear. The lengths he is going to to get money, get high, find people to get high with, turning people onto crack etc. are just disgusting. he is a compulsive liar and the things he is doing now to get money, hell, they are things i thought i would only hear about on the news or about someone elses life, not mine, not my x. but i knew what i was getting into. we were in recovery together for awhile but i knew his past. why did i think it wasn't going to resurface? that he wasn't going to relapse? and each time he did, i went into self-deception again, telling myself he deserved another chance.
even after all i've found out about the pathetic immoral things he is doing now, after hearing lie after lie after lie...why do i still even care? why do i wan't updates? its like i am addicted.
i worry, don't sleep right, don't eat right, obssess about what he is doing and with whom, wonder if he is going to call and keep going over and over in my head, i can't believe i lost him to crack. as insane and wrong as it is, i allow myself to feel rejected and unloved that he has chosen it over me. i know its a lie but i still struggle with wanting him to choose me over it.
i know i can't save him. i know that trying is enabling. yet i still went and tried to do an intervention with his family. he never even showed up. he was too busy selling, robbing, stealing to get high or getting high.
step one, i am powerless. so why even pick up the phone? why not change my number? do i really think he'll get clean? and if he does why would i ever risk going through this again and chances are from what i have learned about crack addicts, is that i would most likely be going through it again.
how do i stop romanticizing the past time i had with him when he was clean? i am struggling to look at him for who he is and get caught up in what i thought he was or could possibly be if he were to get clean again. i am my own worst enemy, my thinking.
how do i learn to detach?
why is it so hard to let the fantasy go of what i thought we could be?!
i need to stop this cycle!
i need to learn to love myself enough. apparently i really don't.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Welcome to SR, one of the greatest places on earth! (IMO)
What an eloquent post and description of what we struggle with!
Have you read the stickies up top of this forum?
I can't help you as I still have some related issues of my own but there are
many here far wiser who will be along shortly.
Glad you are here!
What an eloquent post and description of what we struggle with!
Have you read the stickies up top of this forum?
I can't help you as I still have some related issues of my own but there are
many here far wiser who will be along shortly.
Glad you are here!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: I'll let you know when I figure it out
Posts: 92
I really don't know what advice I can give. All I can say is I'm sorry for what you're goin through and I hope you find the answers you need.
Last edited by Jrock75; 03-15-2009 at 12:23 PM.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Welcome!
I believe that you have all the information you need to detach, to recover from codie behavior and feel better. You know the steps.
The problem is you are not working the program. You have to work it, girl! You know that. And it isn't easy.
What can you do today, right now, for your recovery?
Back to basics. Hit meetings. NA and Alanon. Develop a network. CALL the network. Give back to the recovery community. Get a sponsor. CALL your sponsor. Work steps. When you get back into your own recovery program, you will no longer have the time and energy to focus on him.
Let us know how it goes!
Love,
KJ
I believe that you have all the information you need to detach, to recover from codie behavior and feel better. You know the steps.
The problem is you are not working the program. You have to work it, girl! You know that. And it isn't easy.
What can you do today, right now, for your recovery?
Back to basics. Hit meetings. NA and Alanon. Develop a network. CALL the network. Give back to the recovery community. Get a sponsor. CALL your sponsor. Work steps. When you get back into your own recovery program, you will no longer have the time and energy to focus on him.
Let us know how it goes!
Love,
KJ
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Western WA
Posts: 132
It's so hard to see someone destroy themselves......been there, done that - - though my xabf has not (yet) gone to the depths of darkness that yours has. Still, it's so hard to watch.
Do you think you need to initiate no contact? It sounds like every time you see him or hear from him, it sets you worrying all over again. Ditto for hearing about him from others. You may have to ask that your conversations with others not involve discussion of him and his recent activities. I can only imagine how hard it must be to be actively working your own program(s) of recovery (both AA and alanon) and know that sobriety/recovery can be done if there is a desire - - and at the same time know that you can't *give* or *create* that desire in him.
Bottom line is you've got to do what's best for you - - and continuing in alanon will certainly help that. Put you own oxygen mask on first...............hard as that is for us codies to do. Give yourself permission to be "selfish". Not because taking care of you really is selfish, but it often feels that way to us when we start............at least it has for me. I figure I'm so far out in left field, that if I run *really hard* toward right field, by the time I get tired and sit down, I'll be right in the middle.........in a place of balance.
Glad that you have found SR. It is a great place that I visit often between alanon meetings. Lots of good advice and support here, in my experience. Keep posting and tell us how it goes. Updates are always appreciated here!!
Do you think you need to initiate no contact? It sounds like every time you see him or hear from him, it sets you worrying all over again. Ditto for hearing about him from others. You may have to ask that your conversations with others not involve discussion of him and his recent activities. I can only imagine how hard it must be to be actively working your own program(s) of recovery (both AA and alanon) and know that sobriety/recovery can be done if there is a desire - - and at the same time know that you can't *give* or *create* that desire in him.
Bottom line is you've got to do what's best for you - - and continuing in alanon will certainly help that. Put you own oxygen mask on first...............hard as that is for us codies to do. Give yourself permission to be "selfish". Not because taking care of you really is selfish, but it often feels that way to us when we start............at least it has for me. I figure I'm so far out in left field, that if I run *really hard* toward right field, by the time I get tired and sit down, I'll be right in the middle.........in a place of balance.
Glad that you have found SR. It is a great place that I visit often between alanon meetings. Lots of good advice and support here, in my experience. Keep posting and tell us how it goes. Updates are always appreciated here!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!!
I'm a recovering crack addict and a recovering codie (codependent). I can tell you what got ME into recovery from crack. My family/friends let me fall on my face. They offered rehab (I could have gotten into one for free...was too busy getting high). I got locked up, and no one could get me out, but if they could have, they wouldn't have.
I have been facing legal/career, and major financial consequences from using crack. I now have the support of my family, because I'm in recovery, but I've been handling these consequences pretty much on my own.
For me, personally, and intervention would not have worked. I wasn't ready to quit. Even when I got locked up, for almost 6 months, you'd think that would be enough. I stayed clean, for the most part (I still used occasionally), then relapsed for a week and it was bad enough I almost lost everything again. I was very close to going to prison..no county jail this time.
That's when I hit bottom, and chose recovery. I just celebrated 2 years clean.
I know this is about YOU, but I wanted to let you know that there's not a darned thing you can do for him. This HAS to be about YOU. I left my boyfriend, because he's still using crack. I still love him, but I can't help him, and I know that. He's currently sitting in jail, again, for burglary.
Keep reading and posting. There are some wonderful people, here, and a tremendous amount of support.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm a recovering crack addict and a recovering codie (codependent). I can tell you what got ME into recovery from crack. My family/friends let me fall on my face. They offered rehab (I could have gotten into one for free...was too busy getting high). I got locked up, and no one could get me out, but if they could have, they wouldn't have.
I have been facing legal/career, and major financial consequences from using crack. I now have the support of my family, because I'm in recovery, but I've been handling these consequences pretty much on my own.
For me, personally, and intervention would not have worked. I wasn't ready to quit. Even when I got locked up, for almost 6 months, you'd think that would be enough. I stayed clean, for the most part (I still used occasionally), then relapsed for a week and it was bad enough I almost lost everything again. I was very close to going to prison..no county jail this time.
That's when I hit bottom, and chose recovery. I just celebrated 2 years clean.
I know this is about YOU, but I wanted to let you know that there's not a darned thing you can do for him. This HAS to be about YOU. I left my boyfriend, because he's still using crack. I still love him, but I can't help him, and I know that. He's currently sitting in jail, again, for burglary.
Keep reading and posting. There are some wonderful people, here, and a tremendous amount of support.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
i think being upset, unable to sleep, wanting to know what he's doing, wondering why he didn't love you enough, and feeling miserable because you miss him and because you are horrified by what he is doing and with whom....is perfectly normal.
i think you will have to ride this wave out.
so stay away from him, eat well, get as much sleep as you can with the tossing and turning, trust that God is watching over you and has your future firmly in His hands, and absolutely have no contact with an active crack addict who is out of his mind.
you are not out of your mind. and your life will find equilibrium in time.
i think you will have to ride this wave out.
so stay away from him, eat well, get as much sleep as you can with the tossing and turning, trust that God is watching over you and has your future firmly in His hands, and absolutely have no contact with an active crack addict who is out of his mind.
you are not out of your mind. and your life will find equilibrium in time.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi and welcome. I too am dealing with a crack addict. Mine isn't even using but he still has the bad behaviors associated with an unrecovered addict. In my case, I just have to do what I know is right in my head, because it never feels right in my heart. I'm a caring person. I want to help people. That's normal for me. However, that's not right when it comes to a crack addict. I have to accept that. And deal with it. Just because it feels uncomfortable to detach, doesn't mean it's wrong to detach.
Bluejay is right. You will find balance. Do the right things for you and your life. And your future will get better. Keep reading and posting here. It will help you feel better about your situation.
Hang in there. It gets better.
Since you are in AA, I think that working through the steps might help you get focused on you. Are you doing that? Have you talked to your sponsor?
Bluejay is right. You will find balance. Do the right things for you and your life. And your future will get better. Keep reading and posting here. It will help you feel better about your situation.
Hang in there. It gets better.
Since you are in AA, I think that working through the steps might help you get focused on you. Are you doing that? Have you talked to your sponsor?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: delta,bc, canada
Posts: 83
What Addicts Do
I am an addict and this is what I do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about are my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are nothing but a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth. You see love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself and since I don't I cannot and will not love you or my family.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered a sociopath. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't phase me that I hurt you, lie to you, cheat on you or take all your money.
My behavior can and will not change until I make a decision to stop using then follow up with a plan of action. Until I make that decision I will hurt you again, again, and again.
Stop being surprised about my behavior and the things I do......I will alays blame you because of where I am in my life.
Stop being surprised......I am an addict and this is what I do.
This has helped me, I read it often. Welcome! Hugs!
Jan
I am an addict and this is what I do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about are my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are nothing but a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth. You see love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself and since I don't I cannot and will not love you or my family.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered a sociopath. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't phase me that I hurt you, lie to you, cheat on you or take all your money.
My behavior can and will not change until I make a decision to stop using then follow up with a plan of action. Until I make that decision I will hurt you again, again, and again.
Stop being surprised about my behavior and the things I do......I will alays blame you because of where I am in my life.
Stop being surprised......I am an addict and this is what I do.
This has helped me, I read it often. Welcome! Hugs!
Jan
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by truthwlsetufree 
i have spent a lifetime nursing wounded emotional invalids, trying to save them, rescue them, nurture them, love them
Originally Posted by truthwlsetufree
i don't want to do it anymore.
Originally Posted by truthwlsetufree
even after all i've found out about the pathetic immoral things he is doing now, after hearing lie after lie after lie...why do i still even care? why do i wan't updates? its like i am addicted.
Originally Posted by truthwlsetufree
i worry, don't sleep right, don't eat right, obssess about what he is doing and with whom, wonder if he is going to call and keep going over and over in my head, i can't believe i lost him to crack. as insane and wrong as it is, i allow myself to feel rejected and unloved that he has chosen it over me. i know its a lie but i still struggle with wanting him to choose me over it.
Originally Posted by truthwlsetufree
i know i can't save him. i am powerless.
i need to stop this cycle! i am my own worst enemy i need to learn to love myself enough
i need to stop this cycle! i am my own worst enemy i need to learn to love myself enough
I know it seems I picked your post apart, but I am seeing that you WANT to be free, sane, and healthy. Stop being Sisyphus! That rock is going to roll back to the bottom of that hill! SR is a great place to start, and these folks have listened to me babble more than a few times when my own rock seemed like it couldn't reach the bottom of the hill without me. Be kind to yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 2
so here is an update
he called cryin i can't do it anymore please take me to rehab. of course i wasn't going to pick up the phone and i wasn't going to take him anywhere. not my responsibility. and of course i did pick up and did take him to a detox and am driving him today to a rehab.
i am disgusted with myself honestly. i don't know what is wrong with me that i am choosing to help him. i know he has no love for himself but that is no excuse for me putting all the lies and disrespect and disregard to the side. he doesn't deserve my help. is that wrong to feel. he's hurt me too bad. i thought it would be a relief for him to want help and it actually feels like a burden. i am full of fear of being drawn in and being hurt again. i have no reason not to feel that at this point.
i am angry, full of resentment and am not the right person to be taking him to rehab. i am furious about him abandoning me and my daughter for crack. i am repulsed by his actions and how far he took it on this run. he was with another woman as well which is making me sick. and that is only the one i know of. god only knows how many there were and what disgustingly dirty things he did while getting high. i feel like really in spite of all the ******** proclamations of his love and desire to be with me, in spite of my stupid name tattooed on him, that i am just an insignificant pawn in the life of a severley sick and twisted addict. why would anyone in their right mind want love from someone so sick. but i have done this my whole life as if i am trying to repeat my childhood and get the love i never had from my addict father.
i keep telling myself i am going to just take him there and be done with it. my deranged codependent thinking is that if i don't take him there he might not go. and i know from being in program that i am helping more by not helping yet i am following my sick thinking. i am drained!
i read that crackreality website for hours. i read the crack/sex connection and the trujillo papers and practically threw up!
i deserve more than this, to be addicted to someone elses addiction and let myself suffer miserably. he is asking what happens after rehab? are we over? are you done with me? is there ever a chance? and i can't f**kn tell him i'm done. my codependent guilt is saying if you tell him that he might go back out and use again. and so what if he does?! he can't stay clean if he gets clean for me and i can't pretend that what has happened is acceptable to me and that i want to risk it happening again. god help me because my disease keeps me sick. codependency i believe is a disease. i need to be restored to sanity, not just him!!!
and to answer the question asked about my recovery, i have a year and a half. i have a sponsor and support group. i've gone through the steps. i need to go through them again from an alanon codependency perspective. this is more than my untreated alcoholism.
anyway, any words of advice from people who have it to share would be very welcomed.
thank you
he called cryin i can't do it anymore please take me to rehab. of course i wasn't going to pick up the phone and i wasn't going to take him anywhere. not my responsibility. and of course i did pick up and did take him to a detox and am driving him today to a rehab.
i am disgusted with myself honestly. i don't know what is wrong with me that i am choosing to help him. i know he has no love for himself but that is no excuse for me putting all the lies and disrespect and disregard to the side. he doesn't deserve my help. is that wrong to feel. he's hurt me too bad. i thought it would be a relief for him to want help and it actually feels like a burden. i am full of fear of being drawn in and being hurt again. i have no reason not to feel that at this point.
i am angry, full of resentment and am not the right person to be taking him to rehab. i am furious about him abandoning me and my daughter for crack. i am repulsed by his actions and how far he took it on this run. he was with another woman as well which is making me sick. and that is only the one i know of. god only knows how many there were and what disgustingly dirty things he did while getting high. i feel like really in spite of all the ******** proclamations of his love and desire to be with me, in spite of my stupid name tattooed on him, that i am just an insignificant pawn in the life of a severley sick and twisted addict. why would anyone in their right mind want love from someone so sick. but i have done this my whole life as if i am trying to repeat my childhood and get the love i never had from my addict father.
i keep telling myself i am going to just take him there and be done with it. my deranged codependent thinking is that if i don't take him there he might not go. and i know from being in program that i am helping more by not helping yet i am following my sick thinking. i am drained!
i read that crackreality website for hours. i read the crack/sex connection and the trujillo papers and practically threw up!
i deserve more than this, to be addicted to someone elses addiction and let myself suffer miserably. he is asking what happens after rehab? are we over? are you done with me? is there ever a chance? and i can't f**kn tell him i'm done. my codependent guilt is saying if you tell him that he might go back out and use again. and so what if he does?! he can't stay clean if he gets clean for me and i can't pretend that what has happened is acceptable to me and that i want to risk it happening again. god help me because my disease keeps me sick. codependency i believe is a disease. i need to be restored to sanity, not just him!!!
and to answer the question asked about my recovery, i have a year and a half. i have a sponsor and support group. i've gone through the steps. i need to go through them again from an alanon codependency perspective. this is more than my untreated alcoholism.
anyway, any words of advice from people who have it to share would be very welcomed.
thank you
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Dear Truth,
Be gentle with yourself. You only have to drive him to rehab if YOU want to.
You can decide to have NO contact afterwards, if that's what you desire.
Put the focus on YOU and what makes YOU happy. Make sure to do something
special for yourself each day. Bubble bath, paint your toenails, favorite coffee, etc.
YOU are worth it. YOU deserve better treatment than you are getting. Try not
to take it personally, it's just "What Addicts Do".
You're gonna grieve the "what was great or what should have been" of this relationship.
And that's normal. be gentle on yourself. Realizing his addiction can only be "fixed" by him, and leaving him to fix the problem without your help, you'll begin to see life get a little better for you each day. Baby steps.....
((HUGS)))
Be gentle with yourself. You only have to drive him to rehab if YOU want to.
You can decide to have NO contact afterwards, if that's what you desire.
Put the focus on YOU and what makes YOU happy. Make sure to do something
special for yourself each day. Bubble bath, paint your toenails, favorite coffee, etc.
YOU are worth it. YOU deserve better treatment than you are getting. Try not
to take it personally, it's just "What Addicts Do".
You're gonna grieve the "what was great or what should have been" of this relationship.
And that's normal. be gentle on yourself. Realizing his addiction can only be "fixed" by him, and leaving him to fix the problem without your help, you'll begin to see life get a little better for you each day. Baby steps.....
((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by truthwlsetufree
he doesn't deserve my help
He doesn't deserve my help - I am in a position to judge what help he needs and he definitely needs something, and I feel since he needs something I should provide something because I claim to love him. Since I have been damaged and don't have my heart in providing anything, I feel guilty, and this lessens my self esteem, and makes me feel smaller in the relationship, and feel like I should help him, even if it damages me more. He is unable to help himself. (or, I would be more effective in helping him than he would be in helping himself).
I deserve to help myself - I have been damaged by his actions and words. It will damage me more to engage further. I may have to hear uncomfortable things from him, but it doesn't matter, I need to be healthy myself, first and foremost. That is my primary responsibility. He is failing to see it is his primary responsibility for himself, too, and is trying to foist his responsibility onto me. I choose the healthy response for myself, which is not to take ownership of things that aren't mine to own. I need not feel guilt for refusing to own things that aren't mine.
I find that often when I'm stuck, not knowing how to look at a set of circumstances, I need to switch paradigms and re-frame what I'm looking at in a more correct manner.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 58
I think the main point has been missed here by most of the response's. Some touched on it - but, I think too many are instead giving an answer the poster wants an answer for - when the question that needs to be answered is unrelated to anyone else - or to whatever drug of choice is being abused by someone else.
The reason I bring this up is because of my own experience. When I first came here - some folks were very kind - and offering advice as it related to my actual situation; they told me things I was hoping & wanting to hear.
Then there were those who were blunt and said "Run - and run fast. Don't waste your time or your life anymore"; those folks were more "correct" in my opinion, but I didn't get it then. The message was simple, but I didn't know how to relate it to myself - and not enough info was given as to why I should just "run away" from an addict.
Truth, I think you're on the right path - in working on cutting out the "symptoms" of codependancy; you're keeping off alcohol. That's awesome & no small feat. And, as you know - you still have a lot of work to do. Most of your "worry" & "concern" aren't your worries & concerns to have & hold on to. That is so key to figure out and understand in order to overcome your codependant ways.
Understand that you were attracted to your ex for reasons that were based on your being codependant. He gives you some of what you need - because your mind & emotions are looking, searching, for someone - something - to help you feel "right". In my opinion, yes, you ARE addicted to him. It really doesn't matter "why" - just like with alcohol or drugs - right now; what matters is you stay away. You don't take even the equivalent of a sip of him. Just like you wouldn't head over to a bar or liquor store - you don't want to go where he would go or be around people he would be around.
The focus needs to be on you. Be selfish for a little while. I believe its better to feel bad because you think you're "abandoning him" and "not caring" - for a little while (ie, self guilt) - than to "care" in the way you have now & in the past - which obviously doesn't work for anyone. Obviously, I don't want you to feel bad - but take the lesser of two evils right now. Because, most likely, after you "go without" - and learn to not feel so bad "because of him" - you'll begin to feel better about you, the situation, everything.
If its any consolation, know that when we're being codependant, and we finally detach from our addicted significant other - we're not only doing better for ourselves - we're also doing better for our addicts. In order for them to have any chance of "getting better" - they need the codependant dynamic to stop as well. Maybe you being out of his life will help; maybe it won't. What is important to you should be that regardless of what happens to him - YOU will be fine.
When I was highly codependant, I had those pains in my stomach, chest, headaches - you name it. I didn't eat right. Some folks get stressed & eat - not me; I couldn't eat. I would lose weight. Not good. However, I learned - those feelings of pain in my body were caused by ME and ONLY ME. I created them; I caused them; regardless of who I blamed. Emotions such as worry & fear are created by our selves. They serve a purpose - for a moment or two - but not when they're held onto for long periods of time. Then they become damaging; crippling.
I know you "know" a lot; I know you've spoken to & been involved in lots of work on yourself. So, you probably know that there is no single answer or "fix" to us or anyone who's involved in addiction related problems. Each of us makes progress & improvements at our own pace, in our own steps - some big, some small. I know for me - and I'm still working on my own "stuff" - I felt like I got "over the hump" this past new years - after another heated blow out with my ex AGF. I finally realized that she will do whatever it is she will do - and, I am literally meaningless to the outcome of her life. That doesn't mean by any means that I am insignificant, not at all. What it meant is that MY life is just as "uncontrolled" by her, as her life was "uncontrolled" by me.
Until I finally made that realization - that no matter what I do, hope for, wish for her, etc - she is going to continue to live in the life of addiction until it kills her - unless - she finally takes control of her own life and stops it. Likewise, I could only feel fear, pain, anguish, etc - about her - as long as I CHOSE to feel that way. And I was simply sick of feeling that way "because of her" - and about so many other things I "relied" on to "feel about" in my life that weren't "mine" to feel for!
I hope I've made some sense. My hope is that you - or others - take my words & "get it" - because, like I said - I didn't "get it" for so long - no matter what other people said, showed me, or did.
It's all about YOU, and only you - when it boils down to it. Hurting & feeling pain "because of someone else" is a terrible way to live - and isn't something you have to do - or was asked to do by that person. Focus on feeling the best you can - all ways & always - by doing what you know is right.
The reason I bring this up is because of my own experience. When I first came here - some folks were very kind - and offering advice as it related to my actual situation; they told me things I was hoping & wanting to hear.
Then there were those who were blunt and said "Run - and run fast. Don't waste your time or your life anymore"; those folks were more "correct" in my opinion, but I didn't get it then. The message was simple, but I didn't know how to relate it to myself - and not enough info was given as to why I should just "run away" from an addict.
Truth, I think you're on the right path - in working on cutting out the "symptoms" of codependancy; you're keeping off alcohol. That's awesome & no small feat. And, as you know - you still have a lot of work to do. Most of your "worry" & "concern" aren't your worries & concerns to have & hold on to. That is so key to figure out and understand in order to overcome your codependant ways.
Understand that you were attracted to your ex for reasons that were based on your being codependant. He gives you some of what you need - because your mind & emotions are looking, searching, for someone - something - to help you feel "right". In my opinion, yes, you ARE addicted to him. It really doesn't matter "why" - just like with alcohol or drugs - right now; what matters is you stay away. You don't take even the equivalent of a sip of him. Just like you wouldn't head over to a bar or liquor store - you don't want to go where he would go or be around people he would be around.
The focus needs to be on you. Be selfish for a little while. I believe its better to feel bad because you think you're "abandoning him" and "not caring" - for a little while (ie, self guilt) - than to "care" in the way you have now & in the past - which obviously doesn't work for anyone. Obviously, I don't want you to feel bad - but take the lesser of two evils right now. Because, most likely, after you "go without" - and learn to not feel so bad "because of him" - you'll begin to feel better about you, the situation, everything.
If its any consolation, know that when we're being codependant, and we finally detach from our addicted significant other - we're not only doing better for ourselves - we're also doing better for our addicts. In order for them to have any chance of "getting better" - they need the codependant dynamic to stop as well. Maybe you being out of his life will help; maybe it won't. What is important to you should be that regardless of what happens to him - YOU will be fine.
When I was highly codependant, I had those pains in my stomach, chest, headaches - you name it. I didn't eat right. Some folks get stressed & eat - not me; I couldn't eat. I would lose weight. Not good. However, I learned - those feelings of pain in my body were caused by ME and ONLY ME. I created them; I caused them; regardless of who I blamed. Emotions such as worry & fear are created by our selves. They serve a purpose - for a moment or two - but not when they're held onto for long periods of time. Then they become damaging; crippling.
I know you "know" a lot; I know you've spoken to & been involved in lots of work on yourself. So, you probably know that there is no single answer or "fix" to us or anyone who's involved in addiction related problems. Each of us makes progress & improvements at our own pace, in our own steps - some big, some small. I know for me - and I'm still working on my own "stuff" - I felt like I got "over the hump" this past new years - after another heated blow out with my ex AGF. I finally realized that she will do whatever it is she will do - and, I am literally meaningless to the outcome of her life. That doesn't mean by any means that I am insignificant, not at all. What it meant is that MY life is just as "uncontrolled" by her, as her life was "uncontrolled" by me.
Until I finally made that realization - that no matter what I do, hope for, wish for her, etc - she is going to continue to live in the life of addiction until it kills her - unless - she finally takes control of her own life and stops it. Likewise, I could only feel fear, pain, anguish, etc - about her - as long as I CHOSE to feel that way. And I was simply sick of feeling that way "because of her" - and about so many other things I "relied" on to "feel about" in my life that weren't "mine" to feel for!
I hope I've made some sense. My hope is that you - or others - take my words & "get it" - because, like I said - I didn't "get it" for so long - no matter what other people said, showed me, or did.
It's all about YOU, and only you - when it boils down to it. Hurting & feeling pain "because of someone else" is a terrible way to live - and isn't something you have to do - or was asked to do by that person. Focus on feeling the best you can - all ways & always - by doing what you know is right.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
If you decide to do something nice for a person - even a person who doesn't deserve it - you shouldn't beat yourself up over it. If the best (and worst) you can do right now is drive him to rehab and drop him off, that's ok.
Be kind to yourself. If you don't, who will?
Do you work with a counselor or a sponsor in AA? What do they say?
How's YOUR recovery going?
Be kind to yourself. If you don't, who will?
Do you work with a counselor or a sponsor in AA? What do they say?
How's YOUR recovery going?
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