MeMeMookieeee

I've only posted here one other time but I'm having a really bad day.

My son turned 2 today and it brings back memories about how I gave birth w/out my husband there.....he was in jail, fighting 3 strikes all due to his meth addiction.

I have given this man so many chances...I tell him all the time "its not the DRUGS...its what you do when you are on them...."....the staying away for DAYS and not calling or coming home.

Well I allowed him to move home, we were going to try ONE MORE TIME and he lasted about 2 weeks and then did it again. This was a week ago.

He's been around the last couple days and then lastnight I asked him to leave because I couldn't take it. The relationship I had when he was in jail and I was divorcing him is thrown in my face, my script for Zoloft thrown in my face....my depression which gets really bad when he's gone...thrown in my face.

Why don't I love myself enough to just really be done? Why is it that I feel guilty because He's homeless? I can't live with that **** around me and yet I feel guilty.

I can't WAIT to go home so I can just cry and tell him how I feel. But then I remember that he doesn't CARE how I feel. He just wants me to unconditionally LOVE him and be okay with him using every now and then. He even said "why can't you just say - come home, lets do it together?" I don't WANT to get high. I want to be a MOTHER...and a WIFE.......

Why do people keep saying "once you're away from him, you'll meet a GOOD man"....I thought I found that?

I'm riding high on the pitty pot today and I just need to know that there is life after Frank. That he is the reason for the divorce...not me! That no matter how hard I try, I will always be at the whim of his addiction.

smoke gets in my eyes

There is life after Frank, Mookie. And Frank doesn't have to be homeless. It's what he chooses. You are in no way guilty for the consequences his drug use brings upon him. Sacrificing yourself will not save him.

Hugs,
Smoke

Gabe

is that there is nowhere to go but up. Be happy that you are now making decisions based on what you need and what your child needs to steer you both into a happier life. It sounds like you gave the relationship all you could, and then some. I will say a prayer for you. I know how daunting it is to start rebuilding your life on your own. Have faith, you can do it.
Peace,
Gabe

osier59

((((mememoooookiie))))

Yes, there is life after this. I remember the stay/go struggle I had, wishing things could be different.... loving the man but hating his actions. One day I had a thought - is this the type of marriage I want for my sons to emulate? They were learning how to treat their wives by watching how their dad treated me. NOT what I wanted for them, and not what I wanted for myself. That was the beginning of changing my life for me. I got healthy, and .... he chose not to at that time.

Years later, their dad and I have been divorced a long time. We are able to parent well together and enjoy the young men we have raised. Both of us made big changes in our lives and found our own recoveries in our own time.

Yes, there is life after this. Take care of you and your little one, and take it one day at a time. You will find much wisdom and love in face to face meetings as well as here on the forum.

Much love
O59

MeMeMookieeee

I told him that I was done but he could stay on the couch - I did this because I need his help FINANCIALLY and I said that he can do whatever he wants, he just cant come home high.

he said "I understand"

9 hours later, he comes home on coke. I could have SHOT him. I am NOT a violent person but I realized that my SANITY is not worth his measely $200 a week in support.

I feel like a new person and I can't wait to live LIFE!