James13

Well, the last couple of days have been "interesting", so I thought I would post about it. Nothing earth-shattering, but relevant to recovery. Work has been crazy, and there are some scheduling problems that have left us short handed. Also, some co-workers don't seem to be pulling their weight. This has really given me a chance to look at my thinking and actions, because I have expected too much in the things that surround me. This has caused me to want to criticize and control these things that I have absolutely no power over.

I was really doing well over the last few weeks. I had been meditating almost every day, and detaching from things pretty well. But alot of the time when things are going well, I have to be even more mindful of myself because I can easily slip into old daily patterns, which is what I have done the last few days.

Whenever I struggle to stay clean and sober, it's usually when things are easy and smooth I am most vulnerable. It's funny that when I am seeing reality clearly, I can easily get too comfortable and not see reality clearly. I get greedy when I don't accept life on life's terms. So this all tells me something very significant when this happens: I am not grateful.

Now I get a little antsy when I am not pursuing changing myself for the better. That may be a good thing, because before I started a new lifestyle of recovery, I wanted everything how I wanted, and was never open to any change whatsoever. But life is change, I know I am not the same person I was, even after over 3 months. I have been chaging more that just not getting high- I have been trying to be mindful of adhering to morals, trying to do the right thing. This should be in all aspects of life. I want more change- but have to take it day by day and be mindful of my actions this very moment.

So it's time to work on "just being with what is" again. Thanks, SR.

KindBird

Thanks for your post, James.. I can relate much to the adaptation to this new feeling of sobriety. Just being with what is might sound easy, but....

Good being on this sobriety journey with you..

Impurrfect

(((James))) - I don't remember how long I had in recovery, when I realized that "wow, it really IS about more than just not picking up!" Being grateful was a huge part, learning to stop trying to control things I couldn't control (that was a hard one); and staying in the day (not what-if'ing myself into the future) were some things I had to work on.

Once I was more aware of these things, things calmed down a bit. I still had days where I felt like the tazmanian devil, spinning around, but I could get grounded a lot easier than before.

Sounds like you are doing great!! Keep it up!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

CarolD

Sounding good James....
Glad you shared with us

HideorSeek

Hi James!

I could really relate to your post. I'm chugging along, looking left and looking right and thinking, Ok I'm doing well, this isn't TOO hard and I like this and I'm happy and "before" was awful and I can see myself making progress, then BAMM, screech and halt and OUT OF THE BLUE those old urges hit and I sit there just stunned. But more than that...humbled is the right word and cognizant that this journey isn't under my control at all, that I have to be forever grateful for any tranquility or respite because it isn't always that way. I am often caught up in the need to "get something" and then be able to move on. Well, hello me. I'm as likely to "get there" as I am to catching and holding onto a piece of breeze.

Astro

Great share, and thank you James for an inspirational post.

I've described it in a similar way: There I was, walking down the street and minding my own business, when BAM!, life hit me right up side the head! :wtf2

I've had my own struggles at work lately. Our business is mostly dead, some days I show up and sink into fear, wondering if I'm going to have to go without a paycheck until the construction industry turns around. I remind myself at those times to suit up and show up. I'm here every day for almost 10 hours and all I can do is just be the best employee I'm capable of being. If that means emptying the trash and scrubbing the toilets, then so be it.

I put my house up for sale last year when the market was still pretty good and started looking for a bigger home for my fiance and I to move into together. Well, we moved in a couple weeks ago but my old house is still up for sale, it's so bad out here that the comps in the area are selling for 1/3 of what I've got mine priced at. Yikes. This too shall pass.

Sorry, I'm just rambling and whining. I can relate to your experience very much. Thanks for throwing a little hope into my day, I needed to hear it.

TiredofTired

Hi James - I am into my 3rd day of detox (on my own) for oh, I don't know a number of times now. Just wanted to let you know that I am feeling antsy without a job and working on turning stuff over (unheard of in my old vocabulary) I believe it will be a constant evolution. Point being, choices made, good ones, will result in reward/happpiness. Control, aside from what I impose upon myself (no drinking) is no longer in my vocabulary, scary, but do-able! Enjoy your posts!