How much can others help us if we don't want help? What about if we do?
mle-sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
How much can others help us if we don't want help? What about if we do?
It seems to me that one of the questions that comes up here on SR again and again is the issue of How much can addicts and alcoholics be persuaded to face and fight their addiction by what their loved ones say or do? Or even by what other addicts and alcoholics say?
There are some pivotal moments in my life that come to mind. One is the moment when I was about to get in my car and drive 2 of my kids 20 miles on the freeway. I was completely drunk and had been for weeks. I had convinced myself I was safe to drive. My husband gave me a breath test and when I failed it resoundingly, he looked at me scathingly, dropped the breathalyzer as if it were hot coal, and walked away. Over his shoulder, he said calmly, "I guess you're not driving the boys in."
Something about the way he looked at me and the detachment with which he spoke left me feeling like I'd been punched. I suddenly came face to face with the reality of what I'd been about to do and with the fact that I was in deep, deep ****.
At that moment, I went through both steps 1 & 2 of the AA steps. I fell to my knees in complete surrender and I begged the universe for whatever help it could give me. Nothing in my life has been the same since.
When we are talking to each other here on SR, I mostly assume that we are also listening. And that since we all WANT help, we're capable of learning, changing, getting better. But what about when you were not ready for help. Were there things that others said or did that helped you make that transition from denial to seeking?
There are some pivotal moments in my life that come to mind. One is the moment when I was about to get in my car and drive 2 of my kids 20 miles on the freeway. I was completely drunk and had been for weeks. I had convinced myself I was safe to drive. My husband gave me a breath test and when I failed it resoundingly, he looked at me scathingly, dropped the breathalyzer as if it were hot coal, and walked away. Over his shoulder, he said calmly, "I guess you're not driving the boys in."
Something about the way he looked at me and the detachment with which he spoke left me feeling like I'd been punched. I suddenly came face to face with the reality of what I'd been about to do and with the fact that I was in deep, deep ****.
At that moment, I went through both steps 1 & 2 of the AA steps. I fell to my knees in complete surrender and I begged the universe for whatever help it could give me. Nothing in my life has been the same since.
When we are talking to each other here on SR, I mostly assume that we are also listening. And that since we all WANT help, we're capable of learning, changing, getting better. But what about when you were not ready for help. Were there things that others said or did that helped you make that transition from denial to seeking?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Excellent question. For me, I was so entwined in my private hell I wasn't listening to anyone. Nothing & no one penetrated. In my heart, I knew I couldn't go on like I was, but to my twisted way of thinking at the time, quitting was not an option. The drinking life was all I'd known for so long. I had to come to the conclusion that I was going to die. I'd had 3 DUI's and seen disappointment & hurt in other's eyes, but until my last binge of epic proportions, I wasn't motivated to quit. It's terrible that it had to come to that - so much needless damage done.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
I agree with you completely, a similar experience suddenly accepting 1&2 after many years of trying to quit drinking.
If i could go back and help myself i would put myself into a 3 month rehab without a doubt. This gives you the time without alcohol to be able to get help. This does not mean that it would definitely successful of course. Early twenties i might have got it instead of at 37, who knows?! I definitely think it is worth giving anyone a shot though! All the **** of being allowed to keep moving back home, keep being bailed out by family and friends etc...they might as well be putting a beer in your hand!
If i could go back and help myself i would put myself into a 3 month rehab without a doubt. This gives you the time without alcohol to be able to get help. This does not mean that it would definitely successful of course. Early twenties i might have got it instead of at 37, who knows?! I definitely think it is worth giving anyone a shot though! All the **** of being allowed to keep moving back home, keep being bailed out by family and friends etc...they might as well be putting a beer in your hand!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
I was definitely deeply in denial for a long time. It scares me when I think back about how crazy my mind was working.
My turning point was similar to yours. It was a moment when my husband looked at me and completely detached, and I could see it and feel it. And, it was awful. It changed me.
I was sober for a couple of years before I found SR and I was recovering and working on my spirituality which was very helpful to me. But, I was so hungry for knowledge when I came here and I had been recovery long enough to be able to pinpoint a few people, all women, who had what I wanted and were willing to share it with me. Wow, it was so exciting!
I do think that people can be jogged out of denial if they are presented with the reality of their situation. I believe that interventions can and do work. I think for me an intervention might have worked.
My turning point was similar to yours. It was a moment when my husband looked at me and completely detached, and I could see it and feel it. And, it was awful. It changed me.
I was sober for a couple of years before I found SR and I was recovering and working on my spirituality which was very helpful to me. But, I was so hungry for knowledge when I came here and I had been recovery long enough to be able to pinpoint a few people, all women, who had what I wanted and were willing to share it with me. Wow, it was so exciting!
I do think that people can be jogged out of denial if they are presented with the reality of their situation. I believe that interventions can and do work. I think for me an intervention might have worked.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,056
I was in denial for so many years. Honestly, I was having too much fun drinking and enjoying the he!l out of it. I loved the taste of it, loved the effect, I had no desire to quit.
Looking back on my life, it's like snapshots or vignettes of complete insanity, I'm sure most of us can relate to that........
There was the time in 1992, I was living in Massachussetts with my first wife. I came home with my head split open, blood covering the front of my shirt. I'd been hit by the subway train as I was getting off of it. She's standing there screaming and asked me if I understood that I had a problem with alcohol. I couldn't see it then.
Then there's the camping trip sometime around 2001. I'm sh*tfaced drunk, wife #2 begs me not to put my son on my shoulders and take a walk in the dark, she's afraid I'll drop him. 5 minutes later she hears him crying, I come back with him, his lip and chin are bleeding from where I dropped him on the rocks. I remember giving her a dumbfounded look when she gave me the "I told you so" look.
A few days before I sobered up in 2005, my ex told me "I'm done with you, I'm done with our marriage, I don't love you anymore, I want you out of this house and out of our lives". I heard it that time. Thank God.
Looking back on my life, it's like snapshots or vignettes of complete insanity, I'm sure most of us can relate to that........
There was the time in 1992, I was living in Massachussetts with my first wife. I came home with my head split open, blood covering the front of my shirt. I'd been hit by the subway train as I was getting off of it. She's standing there screaming and asked me if I understood that I had a problem with alcohol. I couldn't see it then.
Then there's the camping trip sometime around 2001. I'm sh*tfaced drunk, wife #2 begs me not to put my son on my shoulders and take a walk in the dark, she's afraid I'll drop him. 5 minutes later she hears him crying, I come back with him, his lip and chin are bleeding from where I dropped him on the rocks. I remember giving her a dumbfounded look when she gave me the "I told you so" look.
A few days before I sobered up in 2005, my ex told me "I'm done with you, I'm done with our marriage, I don't love you anymore, I want you out of this house and out of our lives". I heard it that time. Thank God.
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
Originally Posted by 51anna 
I do think that people can be jogged out of denial if they are presented with the reality of their situation.
What if that AA member I got in touch with that evening didn't invite me into his home and tell me those things (in no uncertain terms) that I needed to hear? What if on December 17, 2007, I didn't get those responses on SR encouraging me to go to my first meeting, telling me how the program works? Where would I be today?
Other alcoholics showing me the reality of my situation - the problem and a solution.
It would have been nice if I had quit drinking sooner. But truthfully, I'm just so grateful that I quit when I did. I could still be drinking today.
Too far from the beach
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 387
Wow what a great question. My Aunt died of cirosis of the liver. She was a heroin addict and alcoholic most of her life. She came to me one night asking for help. I got on the phone with several rehabs and every one of them turned her away because they were all full. She couldn't afford the bucks for private rehab and all the state facilities could not take her. She told me all she could do was try to straighten out by herself. I was real young then. I must have been 19 or 20 years old. Dumb. If I knew then what I know now she would probably still be alive. OUr family had completely no clue what to do about her. It was a real shame.
Her daughter, my first cousin is also a heroin addict and she did get help thank god. Although I don't think she stays clean 100% of the time, I really think she is mostly sober. Point being that I believe the addict needs to WANT help. It is hard to convince someone to take such drastic measures such as rehab if they don't believe they have a problem.
Her daughter, my first cousin is also a heroin addict and she did get help thank god. Although I don't think she stays clean 100% of the time, I really think she is mostly sober. Point being that I believe the addict needs to WANT help. It is hard to convince someone to take such drastic measures such as rehab if they don't believe they have a problem.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,486
I will never forget the pivotal moment I had one day at work. I was in active addiction still and was decidedly not done. I had admitted long before to myself I was an addict. I knew I had a problem but wasn't willing to do anything about it. I had been working in our Hospital Laboratory for 4 years. On the day the Lab Manager said something to me I had the epiphany I was going to have to change my entire being and it would take getting and staying clean to survive.
I wasn't quite done using yet...and my "secret" had escaped. I couldn't hide my using anymore...it had become obvious.
The Lab Manager addressed me with a stern attitude and while glaring right into my eyes said "I am worried about you, you are not ok"
In denial I said "I'm ok!"....she very directly and sternly said back to me square on " NO, you are NOT ok" and then walked away.
That day was the beginning of the end of my using. I did continue to use for approx 2 more years...only I KNEW after she spoke to me just that way that day that it would take desperate measures to get well. My job at the lab lasted about 6 months or less after she'd said that to me. They let me go, and rightfully so.
I may not have stopped that day the lab manager said that to me, but I will never forget the deepest truth about me she helped me see.
Today I am grateful for what she said to me.
The day did come I became willing to surrender. I havent used since 11/27/05
Peace,
Missy
I wasn't quite done using yet...and my "secret" had escaped. I couldn't hide my using anymore...it had become obvious.
The Lab Manager addressed me with a stern attitude and while glaring right into my eyes said "I am worried about you, you are not ok"
In denial I said "I'm ok!"....she very directly and sternly said back to me square on " NO, you are NOT ok" and then walked away.
That day was the beginning of the end of my using. I did continue to use for approx 2 more years...only I KNEW after she spoke to me just that way that day that it would take desperate measures to get well. My job at the lab lasted about 6 months or less after she'd said that to me. They let me go, and rightfully so.
I may not have stopped that day the lab manager said that to me, but I will never forget the deepest truth about me she helped me see.
Today I am grateful for what she said to me.
The day did come I became willing to surrender. I havent used since 11/27/05
Peace,
Missy
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
