Husband's Infidelity
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
Husband's Infidelity
I meet with my new sponsor tonight. I'm looking forward to it!
My STXAH is trying to STILL convince me he is changing. He's going to counseling and talking about going to AA with a male friend of his. BUT, he is still going to the bars and meeting and texting other women (most single) and he STILL doesn't have a clue as to why his texting, flirting, and staying over a single female "friend's" house overnight would bother me. Of course, I know he isn't in his right mind, how could he be?
I really take everything he says with a huge grain of salt as I've heard it all before.
Frankly, I now know I had the RIGHT to feel angry and I don't feel a darn bit guilty about it anymore. He would try to tell me I was crazy and overreacting about his female friends, and that I just didn't understand they are "just friends". All the women, time spent on other women, the "obscene amount of money" (that's how my counselor put it) spent at the bar on his drinks and the meals and drinks for his female friends is something I have a right to be angry about. He was married to ME. It did not resemble a marriage at all over time, and I just became a huge enabler to him. He had no respect for me and treated me as such, but expected me to drop everything I was doing and run to the door to great him every night (even when he was totally wasted). Now that I'm gone he says he misses me. I believe it, but I don't think he misses me in the way I would want him to. He misses how I enabled himm
I realized that even if these women (one in particular) are just friends, it is still inappropriate and my lawyer and counselor referred to it as Emotional Infidelity (if not physical too, but I think it is physical too). It made me feel worthless that he would spend almost all of his time out of work with other women. He rarely played with our children and would go without seeing them for days. Even now, he will see them once a week at the most, if his busy schedule allows it.
I saw his cell phone one time. It had pictures of other women in it, but none of me. It made me cry. It broke my heart. I looked at myself as ugly, fat, and downright undesireable. But, I've come to realize that that is just not true and that I am worth something. He says those women understand him better then I do and they have a lot in common. There is only one thing that he has in common with all of those other women, and that is that they all like to get drunk at that same bar. I do not. So, to him, I am undesireable and am "no fun" but I'm starting to realize that I am worth loving. I actually am starting to like myself more and see that I have value. And that feels good. Finally.
My STXAH is trying to STILL convince me he is changing. He's going to counseling and talking about going to AA with a male friend of his. BUT, he is still going to the bars and meeting and texting other women (most single) and he STILL doesn't have a clue as to why his texting, flirting, and staying over a single female "friend's" house overnight would bother me. Of course, I know he isn't in his right mind, how could he be?
I really take everything he says with a huge grain of salt as I've heard it all before.
Frankly, I now know I had the RIGHT to feel angry and I don't feel a darn bit guilty about it anymore. He would try to tell me I was crazy and overreacting about his female friends, and that I just didn't understand they are "just friends". All the women, time spent on other women, the "obscene amount of money" (that's how my counselor put it) spent at the bar on his drinks and the meals and drinks for his female friends is something I have a right to be angry about. He was married to ME. It did not resemble a marriage at all over time, and I just became a huge enabler to him. He had no respect for me and treated me as such, but expected me to drop everything I was doing and run to the door to great him every night (even when he was totally wasted). Now that I'm gone he says he misses me. I believe it, but I don't think he misses me in the way I would want him to. He misses how I enabled himm
I realized that even if these women (one in particular) are just friends, it is still inappropriate and my lawyer and counselor referred to it as Emotional Infidelity (if not physical too, but I think it is physical too). It made me feel worthless that he would spend almost all of his time out of work with other women. He rarely played with our children and would go without seeing them for days. Even now, he will see them once a week at the most, if his busy schedule allows it.
I saw his cell phone one time. It had pictures of other women in it, but none of me. It made me cry. It broke my heart. I looked at myself as ugly, fat, and downright undesireable. But, I've come to realize that that is just not true and that I am worth something. He says those women understand him better then I do and they have a lot in common. There is only one thing that he has in common with all of those other women, and that is that they all like to get drunk at that same bar. I do not. So, to him, I am undesireable and am "no fun" but I'm starting to realize that I am worth loving. I actually am starting to like myself more and see that I have value. And that feels good. Finally.
keep remembering that..
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Hey Blondie,
I keep this in my wallet to remind me of what love with my AH includes, I got this from my friends here at SR. Thanks all!
My AH's love comes with:
Drunkenness
Emotional Instability
Physical Illness
Legal Problems
Power Plays
Manipulation
Depression
I keep this in my wallet to remind me of what love with my AH includes, I got this from my friends here at SR. Thanks all!
My AH's love comes with:
Drunkenness
Emotional Instability
Physical Illness
Legal Problems
Power Plays
Manipulation
Depression
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Blondie, great realization!
It was painful to realize that anyone who drinks or enables will be welcome in his world, and as my life involves more than looking for a place to get drunk, I was no longer welcome. That is addiction at work.
A friend told me that those people always end up alone. Its true. Remember that its a progressive disease.
Although I wish no harm to my ex and his new girlfriend (MAJOR STEPSTONE I am starting to grasp) when I see them, it "gets me", but then I am able to say:
Those two have a progressive disease that will bring undescribable hurt and heartache to them and everyone who cares. Destruction and harm is guaranteed.
Then I am glad my HP rescued me from that. It is merciless. It doesn't get better. Only worse and worse. Addiction has the face of deceit, that is why it fools everyone.
Hugs to you!! No one's opinion matters. Only yours
Great lesson we are learning together I am so glad you are here with us. Today I learned so much from you great people out there !!
It was painful to realize that anyone who drinks or enables will be welcome in his world, and as my life involves more than looking for a place to get drunk, I was no longer welcome. That is addiction at work.
A friend told me that those people always end up alone. Its true. Remember that its a progressive disease.
Although I wish no harm to my ex and his new girlfriend (MAJOR STEPSTONE I am starting to grasp) when I see them, it "gets me", but then I am able to say:
Those two have a progressive disease that will bring undescribable hurt and heartache to them and everyone who cares. Destruction and harm is guaranteed.
Then I am glad my HP rescued me from that. It is merciless. It doesn't get better. Only worse and worse. Addiction has the face of deceit, that is why it fools everyone.
Hugs to you!! No one's opinion matters. Only yours
Great lesson we are learning together I am so glad you are here with us. Today I learned so much from you great people out there !!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Blondie,
His treatment of you is disrepectful in my opinion. I too had someone cheat on me and lie until the point he couldn't anymore, then he completely disengaged to avoid "confrontation."
He can't deal with what he has done and is putting it off on you. Recently, I was told that I was the reason he "turned to another woman." I "left him (a 44 year old man) alone." Ridiculous.
Please take care of yourself. I know it is a blow to your self esteem, at least mine was. Again, his behavior truly has NOTHING to do with you. You didn't make him drink, you didn't make him cheat. Simple as that. Those were HIS choices. They affect you, but you can control how you handle them/him. You don't have to lower yourself to his level, and it sounds like you aren't.
Please take care and treat yourself sweetly right now. Do for yourself what you would do for you daughter or best friend in this situation.
His treatment of you is disrepectful in my opinion. I too had someone cheat on me and lie until the point he couldn't anymore, then he completely disengaged to avoid "confrontation."
He can't deal with what he has done and is putting it off on you. Recently, I was told that I was the reason he "turned to another woman." I "left him (a 44 year old man) alone." Ridiculous.
Please take care of yourself. I know it is a blow to your self esteem, at least mine was. Again, his behavior truly has NOTHING to do with you. You didn't make him drink, you didn't make him cheat. Simple as that. Those were HIS choices. They affect you, but you can control how you handle them/him. You don't have to lower yourself to his level, and it sounds like you aren't.
Please take care and treat yourself sweetly right now. Do for yourself what you would do for you daughter or best friend in this situation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
Thanks everybody. It is heartbreaking to divorce someone after 18 years of marriage. I tried my best, believe me. But if I stay, I know that I might be in for ANOTHER 18 years of pain and agony as he will get progressively worse (and I would too).
I met with my new sponsor last night and we really connected. We met for coffie and talked for 1 1/2 hours. She has been were I am and her story is very inspiring to me. I had a gut feeling when she spoke at the al-anon meeting that she was the sponsor that would be the best fit for me. Something just felt right. Maybe it was my HP as I had been praying to him for the wisdom to pick a sponsor that could help me the most. I believe she is the one.
As I told her my story, I could see the progression of the alcoholism in my STXAH and the co-dependency in me. I am starting to fully realize how much I was impacted by his alcoholism. Unmanageable is right on the money, as my life WAS totally unmanageable. She said that that WAS me, but that is not the person I really was, and that it takes a lot of courage to draw a line in the sand and say the pattern for this stops HERE.
I met with my new sponsor last night and we really connected. We met for coffie and talked for 1 1/2 hours. She has been were I am and her story is very inspiring to me. I had a gut feeling when she spoke at the al-anon meeting that she was the sponsor that would be the best fit for me. Something just felt right. Maybe it was my HP as I had been praying to him for the wisdom to pick a sponsor that could help me the most. I believe she is the one.
As I told her my story, I could see the progression of the alcoholism in my STXAH and the co-dependency in me. I am starting to fully realize how much I was impacted by his alcoholism. Unmanageable is right on the money, as my life WAS totally unmanageable. She said that that WAS me, but that is not the person I really was, and that it takes a lot of courage to draw a line in the sand and say the pattern for this stops HERE.
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