Just gotta get it outta my head...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Just gotta get it outta my head...
Background: My 28 yr old AS took my 2nd car out of my apt. parking lot back in December, posted it on Craigs list & tried to sell it to someone. Car had a $3,500 loan on it - AS took $675 from some guy & wrote (and signed!) receipts. I reported car stolen, police hesitated to take the report because at one time my AS was allowed to drive that car (until the clutch went out.) Guy that got scammed by AS took me to court for $1,400+, for what he paid for the car and what he paid to have it fixed. (Court was last Friday & judge didn't make a ruling right then & there.) I ended up voluntarily turning the car back to the bank (couldn't keep up the payments, didn't feel comfortable driving it w/out paying that guy back & was afraid of son trying to steal it again.)
Yesterday I learned that the county attorney is pressing charges against AS for one felony count of theft by swindle (whatever that means exactly???) and that a warrant has been issued for AS's arrest.
Don't get me wrong . . . son has been in jail (just a couple days) twice in the last 12 months, once for trying to fill a pill prescription that wasn't his & once (just in December) for financial card fraud-stole some sort of card & charged $140 on it for crap. So it's not like I'm afraid of the whole jail thing, but it just seems to be adding up and the chances of permanent jail time are getting bigger. Maybe I feel some sense of responsibility/guilt because this is due to 'me reporting the car stolen' but . . . I had to do it. He has to suffer the consequences of his actions, it's just scary and it hurts me so deep within my heart. I know God will try his darndest to watch over him & be there if he wants a connection, but . . .
There is still one more thing looming out there as well. He had hooked up with a young girl (19)and was working that relationship for all its worth to write bad checks - the girl's parents told me in December they had covered about $4,000 worth of bad checks and had gone to the police who felt they had a strong case against AS.
AS has been living at a homeless shelter since December, it has a christian recovery program that he could participate in, but I think he is still trying to work every angle he can to do things "his way." To not give up, give in and do whatever it takes to put his life in order. I know he's gotta do it on his own, hit his own bottom, that there is nothing I can say or do that will "force" the light bulb to go off for him.
Thanks for reading and I'll keep repeating the serenity prayer and pray for things to work out as they are meant to - like I said, it's just scary and painful.
Joan
Yesterday I learned that the county attorney is pressing charges against AS for one felony count of theft by swindle (whatever that means exactly???) and that a warrant has been issued for AS's arrest.
Don't get me wrong . . . son has been in jail (just a couple days) twice in the last 12 months, once for trying to fill a pill prescription that wasn't his & once (just in December) for financial card fraud-stole some sort of card & charged $140 on it for crap. So it's not like I'm afraid of the whole jail thing, but it just seems to be adding up and the chances of permanent jail time are getting bigger. Maybe I feel some sense of responsibility/guilt because this is due to 'me reporting the car stolen' but . . . I had to do it. He has to suffer the consequences of his actions, it's just scary and it hurts me so deep within my heart. I know God will try his darndest to watch over him & be there if he wants a connection, but . . .
There is still one more thing looming out there as well. He had hooked up with a young girl (19)and was working that relationship for all its worth to write bad checks - the girl's parents told me in December they had covered about $4,000 worth of bad checks and had gone to the police who felt they had a strong case against AS.
AS has been living at a homeless shelter since December, it has a christian recovery program that he could participate in, but I think he is still trying to work every angle he can to do things "his way." To not give up, give in and do whatever it takes to put his life in order. I know he's gotta do it on his own, hit his own bottom, that there is nothing I can say or do that will "force" the light bulb to go off for him.
Thanks for reading and I'll keep repeating the serenity prayer and pray for things to work out as they are meant to - like I said, it's just scary and painful.
Joan
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
If you had not reported the car stolen you could have gotten in trouble eventually because it could have looked like you were an accessory. I hope the judge sees that this was not your crime and doesnt hold you responsible for your son's crimes.
You have to remember that your son has done the crimes and its up to him to suffer the consequences. The Mom's and Dad's here arent worried about getting their kid into medical school or hoping they will own their own business one day. We are worried that our children wont survive another day. Sometimes the best thing is jail - if you think he's playing the rehab then he still hasnt learned the lesson that life is trying to teach him. The lessons will be repeated until we have learned.
You need to just throw your guilt out with the trash where it belongs - a mothers guilt can be a hinderance to her children.
You have to remember that your son has done the crimes and its up to him to suffer the consequences. The Mom's and Dad's here arent worried about getting their kid into medical school or hoping they will own their own business one day. We are worried that our children wont survive another day. Sometimes the best thing is jail - if you think he's playing the rehab then he still hasnt learned the lesson that life is trying to teach him. The lessons will be repeated until we have learned.
You need to just throw your guilt out with the trash where it belongs - a mothers guilt can be a hinderance to her children.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I understand your feelings (((JMF))).
My son hasn't progressed to that level of theft, but he will in time if something doesn't change.
I am preparing myself to stand firm if needed. The only way I can do this is to look at the possiblity that he will continue to escalate if someone or something doesn't stop him.
What happens if or when someone gets hurt?
What happens if they progress to "armed" crimes, or violent crime?
It hurts me to even think this way, but when I do, I see the sense in consequences before it gets to that.
It also helps me to remember "what they DO is not who they ARE"
My heart hurts with yours
(((Hugs)))
My son hasn't progressed to that level of theft, but he will in time if something doesn't change.
I am preparing myself to stand firm if needed. The only way I can do this is to look at the possiblity that he will continue to escalate if someone or something doesn't stop him.
What happens if or when someone gets hurt?
What happens if they progress to "armed" crimes, or violent crime?
It hurts me to even think this way, but when I do, I see the sense in consequences before it gets to that.
It also helps me to remember "what they DO is not who they ARE"
My heart hurts with yours
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 101
I'm SO sorry, JMF. But, you did the right thing by reporting your car stolen, please let go of that guilt. Like Cece, my son isn't there yet with legal issues, but if he doesn't choose recovery soon, we see it coming... We are hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. Sending you hugs and prayers, from one heartbroken mom to another...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Maybe I feel some sense of responsibility/guilt because this is due to 'me reporting the car stolen' but . . . I had to do it.
(((Joan))
YOU didn't do anything wrong, sweetie...you simply reported his actions.
I'm sorry his consequences are catching up with him, but this is what happens when we don't take responsibility for our actions. Unfortunately, for most of us A's, when we do stupid stuff, we do it in a big way.
Look at me...I couldn't "just" smoke crack. Oh, no!! I had to: Smoke crack, get a criminal charge, lose my nursing license, have one car totaled, 2 cars stolen by dope boys, lose my home, become a homeless, street-walking prostitute, and violate probation, and THEN get locked up. And those are just the highlights!
Yet here I am, just a few days away from 2 years clean. I cannot imagine how hard it is to be a mom or dad and watch your child go through this (or a spouse). I'm having a hard enough time watching my stepmom destroy herself. But I know, for a fact, that every A has to learn their lessons, in their own time.
Think of it this way...the more consequences he faces and the faster they come, the more impact it will have on him. A lot of people think we'll just "give up" when faced with all this. We may say "well what's the use in even trying" at first, but the majority of us WILL give up...the addiction..just give us a big smack of reality.
Hang in there, sweetie. Focus on you, and let him deal with all these consequences. He's earned them.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
(((Joan))
YOU didn't do anything wrong, sweetie...you simply reported his actions.
I'm sorry his consequences are catching up with him, but this is what happens when we don't take responsibility for our actions. Unfortunately, for most of us A's, when we do stupid stuff, we do it in a big way.
Look at me...I couldn't "just" smoke crack. Oh, no!! I had to: Smoke crack, get a criminal charge, lose my nursing license, have one car totaled, 2 cars stolen by dope boys, lose my home, become a homeless, street-walking prostitute, and violate probation, and THEN get locked up. And those are just the highlights!
Yet here I am, just a few days away from 2 years clean. I cannot imagine how hard it is to be a mom or dad and watch your child go through this (or a spouse). I'm having a hard enough time watching my stepmom destroy herself. But I know, for a fact, that every A has to learn their lessons, in their own time.
Think of it this way...the more consequences he faces and the faster they come, the more impact it will have on him. A lot of people think we'll just "give up" when faced with all this. We may say "well what's the use in even trying" at first, but the majority of us WILL give up...the addiction..just give us a big smack of reality.
Hang in there, sweetie. Focus on you, and let him deal with all these consequences. He's earned them.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Thank you for the posts.
I told my AS yesterday about the charges being brought against him and that they advised me there is a warrant. I mentioned that I thought it would "look better" if he turned himself in. He talked through some reasons for and against it and discussed what days/times/places might be best if he turned himself in. (If he does it on a Thursday-he may have to sit in jail ALL weekend, if he turns himself in, in a different county they would take time to transport him to the county the charges are from (15 miles,) if he turns himself in, in the city he's staying in the police are "rude" there, etc.)
I also said I think it would "look better" if he were actively pursuing some sort of "program".
I can't make him do what I think is the right thing to do so I guess it just looms out there.
Thanks again for the responses, it makes me feel less ALONE.
Joan
I also said I think it would "look better" if he were actively pursuing some sort of "program".
I can't make him do what I think is the right thing to do so I guess it just looms out there.
Thanks again for the responses, it makes me feel less ALONE.
Joan
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Joan))) - you are definitely not alone.
I thought just like he did. They got me, anyway...in another county, got transported the next day. It all catches up to us..whether we like it or not. Some lessons, we've just got to learn the hard way.
You've done your part...now let HP do His.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I thought just like he did. They got me, anyway...in another county, got transported the next day. It all catches up to us..whether we like it or not. Some lessons, we've just got to learn the hard way.
You've done your part...now let HP do His.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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