AH is temporarily out of rehab after 35 days...
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AH is temporarily out of rehab after 35 days...
As some of you know, I've been battling insurance reinstatement. (MIL didn't get me the bill and this insurance pays for not just AH's rehab, but is our families insurance). Rehab called Friday harassing me again about insurance and ended up "temporarily discharging" him on Sat. IRL, they've not received payment from insurance for 3 weeks. They have worked with me, but it's a process that I cannot control.
His counselor has written him out "on pass" so he can go back in and finish his treatment once it's straightened out. AH came home after 35 days in treatment and is trying to get his clothes washed and resorted to better suit what he needs down there. Get his finances (which are now in collections) straightened out and go to his court date (Walmart incident) He's also trying to get things sorted to go to his dad's after treatment. Depending on what insurance says, he either has 30 or 60 more days, then is off to his dads for a while. This will be much needed structure for him.
He's gained about 30 (needed) lbs and looks really good. He also seems to have gained alot of confidence in himself. We've talked alot about co-dependance, enabling, drug use etc. He for sure has a better understanding about the "dance" we've done forever. He's also been very honest with his use and has spent hours talking with me and answering questions that I've had. The first thing he did when he got home was go give me the needles and a pill shaver that he'd had hidden in the ductwork here. He's said that he cannot believe how "controlled" he was by drugs, can't believe how low he allowed his addiction to take him. He knows how he got there, but can't believe he didn't stop it before it got so bad.
He seems to like the people he's with down there and they've actually called to check up on him. One of his friends who called yesterday said about 20 guys were in a meeting Sun. night and talking about AH. Someone suggested that they all pray for AH. His friend said they were all on their knees praying for AH - AH said "nuh-uh". His friend said "I kid you not, I've never seen anything like it since I've been down here."
I guess one of his friends is going to be on Intervention. His DOC was heroin, like AH, and has 67 days clean and doing well. He has the same counselor and is in the same rehab as AH.
He'll most likely be here the week. It's just really upsetting to me because I KNOW he's still very fresh, I KNOW his chances for relapse etc. But in the last few days, I've seen glimpses of what I've wanted all along. Someone to help with the kids, help cook supper, do things around the house, help clean up etc. For once, I've seen someone who is confident and not a compulsive liar. Someone who for ONCE is taking a backseat to others needs. Someone who says "I HATED using", but yet I loved it. Saying things like he's so sick of the chase, how addiction consumed his every thought, how he had to cover the lies with a lie.
We've talked about control and how AH was so use to me doing everything that he didn't have to make decisions. He said he doesn't want to be controlled. He wants to be a grown man who is making his own decisions, the right decisions. I do NOT want to control or micromanage either. I just want a partner, an equal partner (if I'm in a R - I'm fine by myself but if I'm in a R I want an equal).
My fear of another relapse is forcing us to sit down and talk about divorce and what's what. I know that we need to break ourselves apart and make ourselves whole again INDIVIDUALLY. Then and only then can we ever have a healthy R. IF we ever could. I find myself thinking "what if I have weathered every storm and will miss out on the rainbow." What if he really gets it this time. I've NEVER seen him this committed to his recovery before, but I still don't trust it, and know I shouldn't. He's had a 20 year addiction and only 35+ days clean - but everyone has to start somewhere I guess. I find myself backsliding and thinking "maybe I should just make it a legal seperation for now, instead of the finality of a D." But my reality is that he's had PLENTY of time to get things right.
He's a really good guy with a terrible problem. FYI, AH is NOT trying to talk me into anything. He knows he's put me through he(( and said that if a D is what I really want, he won't drag me through $hit anymore. I was very glad to see him when he stepped off of the plane though.
I wasn't going to post this right now. Not sure what I expect in the way of responses. But it is what it is I guess. I see some RA's here who are so strong in their recoveries and know that they had to start somewhere. I know AH is fresh into it, but I can for once see that strength peeking through in him and I've never seen it before. EVER. Thanks for reading guys - I appreciate it.
His counselor has written him out "on pass" so he can go back in and finish his treatment once it's straightened out. AH came home after 35 days in treatment and is trying to get his clothes washed and resorted to better suit what he needs down there. Get his finances (which are now in collections) straightened out and go to his court date (Walmart incident) He's also trying to get things sorted to go to his dad's after treatment. Depending on what insurance says, he either has 30 or 60 more days, then is off to his dads for a while. This will be much needed structure for him.
He's gained about 30 (needed) lbs and looks really good. He also seems to have gained alot of confidence in himself. We've talked alot about co-dependance, enabling, drug use etc. He for sure has a better understanding about the "dance" we've done forever. He's also been very honest with his use and has spent hours talking with me and answering questions that I've had. The first thing he did when he got home was go give me the needles and a pill shaver that he'd had hidden in the ductwork here. He's said that he cannot believe how "controlled" he was by drugs, can't believe how low he allowed his addiction to take him. He knows how he got there, but can't believe he didn't stop it before it got so bad.
He seems to like the people he's with down there and they've actually called to check up on him. One of his friends who called yesterday said about 20 guys were in a meeting Sun. night and talking about AH. Someone suggested that they all pray for AH. His friend said they were all on their knees praying for AH - AH said "nuh-uh". His friend said "I kid you not, I've never seen anything like it since I've been down here."
I guess one of his friends is going to be on Intervention. His DOC was heroin, like AH, and has 67 days clean and doing well. He has the same counselor and is in the same rehab as AH.
He'll most likely be here the week. It's just really upsetting to me because I KNOW he's still very fresh, I KNOW his chances for relapse etc. But in the last few days, I've seen glimpses of what I've wanted all along. Someone to help with the kids, help cook supper, do things around the house, help clean up etc. For once, I've seen someone who is confident and not a compulsive liar. Someone who for ONCE is taking a backseat to others needs. Someone who says "I HATED using", but yet I loved it. Saying things like he's so sick of the chase, how addiction consumed his every thought, how he had to cover the lies with a lie.
We've talked about control and how AH was so use to me doing everything that he didn't have to make decisions. He said he doesn't want to be controlled. He wants to be a grown man who is making his own decisions, the right decisions. I do NOT want to control or micromanage either. I just want a partner, an equal partner (if I'm in a R - I'm fine by myself but if I'm in a R I want an equal).
My fear of another relapse is forcing us to sit down and talk about divorce and what's what. I know that we need to break ourselves apart and make ourselves whole again INDIVIDUALLY. Then and only then can we ever have a healthy R. IF we ever could. I find myself thinking "what if I have weathered every storm and will miss out on the rainbow." What if he really gets it this time. I've NEVER seen him this committed to his recovery before, but I still don't trust it, and know I shouldn't. He's had a 20 year addiction and only 35+ days clean - but everyone has to start somewhere I guess. I find myself backsliding and thinking "maybe I should just make it a legal seperation for now, instead of the finality of a D." But my reality is that he's had PLENTY of time to get things right.
He's a really good guy with a terrible problem. FYI, AH is NOT trying to talk me into anything. He knows he's put me through he(( and said that if a D is what I really want, he won't drag me through $hit anymore. I was very glad to see him when he stepped off of the plane though.
I wasn't going to post this right now. Not sure what I expect in the way of responses. But it is what it is I guess. I see some RA's here who are so strong in their recoveries and know that they had to start somewhere. I know AH is fresh into it, but I can for once see that strength peeking through in him and I've never seen it before. EVER. Thanks for reading guys - I appreciate it.
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When you say "It is what it is.." Remember that. It certainly is what it is. Remember to not make any excuses for him or any of his behavior right now. Remain sceptical and keep your own recovery. Don't get caught up in his program. Only he can work that. Remember and recite to yourself constantly the definition of codependant behavior:
Doing things for others that they can or should be doing for themselves.
Hands off, my dear. Don't start micromanaging his recovery. You don't want to become his mom or his keeper.
He can do his own laundry.
He can schedule and attend his own meetings and find his own network and sponsor.
He can and should humble himself and get rides to them with other recovering addicts.
He can make his own doctor appointments.
He can and should be doing the insurance paperwork, now that he's on the outside.
etc...etc...etc...
Let him walk the walk, you ignore his talk. Love is an action word in my book.
Now what can and should Callie be doing for her own recovery and peace of mind??? What can Callie do for her health and enjoyment with herself and her children?
Love,
KJ
Doing things for others that they can or should be doing for themselves.
Hands off, my dear. Don't start micromanaging his recovery. You don't want to become his mom or his keeper.
He can do his own laundry.
He can schedule and attend his own meetings and find his own network and sponsor.
He can and should humble himself and get rides to them with other recovering addicts.
He can make his own doctor appointments.
He can and should be doing the insurance paperwork, now that he's on the outside.
etc...etc...etc...
Let him walk the walk, you ignore his talk. Love is an action word in my book.
Now what can and should Callie be doing for her own recovery and peace of mind??? What can Callie do for her health and enjoyment with herself and her children?
Love,
KJ
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Thanks guys. Cynical - AH is definately not in "pink cloud" that I can see, more like gray clouds 
He's making no promises, only what he wants and only today. He said he feels confident that he won't use today or tomorrow, but can't guarantee next week or next year. But says he wants to continue down this path and doesn't want to go back to that life because it's a deadend. That's scary, but more the truth than someone who says never again I guess. We were talking today and he does not remember the last month before rehab for the most part. Entire days and events are missing from his memory. That's a scary thing.
He's talked about "Mr. Recoveries" in rehab. Those who "got it" early on and are all gun ho (pink cloud). He's def. not one of those. His counselor said that AH said he felt behind the others in his group as far as his addiction and progress made. He told Ah that given where he came from, he was right where he needed to be. He also said he worried more about Mr. Recoveries than he did AH because AH was being honest (gasp) about where he was or what he was thinking.
As Anvil says, I'll do my best to stay in my own hula hoop. This all happened quickly over the weekend, but I'm glad he's here. I kind of missed the jerk.
KJ - you are right, I do not want to become his mom again. I HATE that role.
He's making no promises, only what he wants and only today. He said he feels confident that he won't use today or tomorrow, but can't guarantee next week or next year. But says he wants to continue down this path and doesn't want to go back to that life because it's a deadend. That's scary, but more the truth than someone who says never again I guess. We were talking today and he does not remember the last month before rehab for the most part. Entire days and events are missing from his memory. That's a scary thing.He's talked about "Mr. Recoveries" in rehab. Those who "got it" early on and are all gun ho (pink cloud). He's def. not one of those. His counselor said that AH said he felt behind the others in his group as far as his addiction and progress made. He told Ah that given where he came from, he was right where he needed to be. He also said he worried more about Mr. Recoveries than he did AH because AH was being honest (gasp) about where he was or what he was thinking.
As Anvil says, I'll do my best to stay in my own hula hoop. This all happened quickly over the weekend, but I'm glad he's here. I kind of missed the jerk.
KJ - you are right, I do not want to become his mom again. I HATE that role.
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Originally Posted by Callie 
As Anvil says, I'll do my best to stay in my own hula hoop.
If everything works out for your husband, he's clean and sober for the rest of his life with or without you, what are you doing to ensure your serenity isn't ever dependent on another person again? Do you even have serenity right now? If not, do you want it?
There's a very good reason I ask and they would be your children. You're co-dependent and they're still innocent children. They may become responsible teenagers or hellions, but you're still a codie and always will be.
From my personal experience, all the things I had not worked on yet reared their ugly heads when my daughter became a snarling teenager. It was like Medusa opened Pandora's box.
Just like an addict, our disorder WILL come back if let untreated.
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Callie, I have had a really hard time with my AH but, and I am in by NO means an expert. But, what I have learned in the last few weeks is SILENCE. It really is golden. I have learned to listen a lot at not comment much. That way he doesn't know what I am feeling or thinking. Let them wonder sometimes. My AH now thinks what is her next move and why.LOL.....
Ever since I became silent he's been coming home appropriately and interacting with the kids. He even looks better.(Not that he's not still using) But I live minute by minute because life has it's ups and sudden downs. I will pray for you and your family.....for...continued sobriety
Ever since I became silent he's been coming home appropriately and interacting with the kids. He even looks better.(Not that he's not still using) But I live minute by minute because life has it's ups and sudden downs. I will pray for you and your family.....for...continued sobriety
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Callie,
Is he going to go to any meetings while he's on his hiatis? Any recovery associated follow-up? I think that it is critical. I think it might be like working out at the gym every day for 35 days then going on vacation. When you get home, you don't want to go to the gym anymore cause you broke the cycle and are out of practice.
Just a thought.
Is he going to go to any meetings while he's on his hiatis? Any recovery associated follow-up? I think that it is critical. I think it might be like working out at the gym every day for 35 days then going on vacation. When you get home, you don't want to go to the gym anymore cause you broke the cycle and are out of practice.
Just a thought.
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Originally Posted by cynical one
The pink cloud doesn't only happen on the addicts side of this, our side goes thru the same things.
MM - AH has no plans for meetings right now that I know of. His dad/counselors/rehab friends etc basically want him on lockdown. (Not really lockdown, just no car so he can come and go as he pleases) AH said he'd be fine out there today, but prob. not a week or two ago. Still, he's been here and hasn't left. His leave is suppose to be temporary. Sounds like possibly the end of this or beginning of next week he'll go back.
Last edited by Callie; 03-03-2009 at 10:55 AM. Reason: wording
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Originally Posted by Chino
When was the last time you had serenity smack dab in the middle of a storm? What are you doing for yourself to help you stay in your own hula hoop? I'm not talking about physical activity, I mean spiritual.
Just like an addict, our disorder WILL come back if let untreated.
Just like an addict, our disorder WILL come back if let untreated.
I want to respond more to this question, but I'm not sure how to word it yet. My HP is definately important to me and something that I need to better understand, but I struggle with it and have for a while. Let me think about this question for a while as it's important to me to understand. Thanks for pointing it out.
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
hey, ooo, waving hand, see me see me!!! i just had a brilliant idea....since AH is there for now, how about Callie avails herself of the kid watching support AND GETS TO A MEETING OR TWO????????
ok, carry on......
ok, carry on......
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
well i thought of it first, which still makes it MY brilliant idea!!!! LOL
You're a smart chick, guess that makes me one step behind you?? BTW - LOVE the new pic of Della, such a sweet face.
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Hi ya Callie..... I too commend you on posting this.
My guy and I both had the pink cloud and then he relapsed. The pink cloud is amazing and a total high. I had fun in mine! But the anxiety was always lingering.
How are the kiddo's doing? Are they prepared for him leaving again?
That's great that you are going to be hitting up some meetings yourself!
I'm proud of your AH for his sobriety thus far - and like you said - it has to start somewhere! Maybe being shipped off a plane ride away was just what he needed to realize that he has hit his bottom. I sure hope so.
I know you are proud of him too - but mostly BE PROUD OF YOU! I am proud of you! Through out all of this - you have kept up on your side of things... your responsibilities and that is to be applauded!
BIG love ~ peace xoxox
My guy and I both had the pink cloud and then he relapsed. The pink cloud is amazing and a total high. I had fun in mine! But the anxiety was always lingering.
How are the kiddo's doing? Are they prepared for him leaving again?
That's great that you are going to be hitting up some meetings yourself!
I'm proud of your AH for his sobriety thus far - and like you said - it has to start somewhere! Maybe being shipped off a plane ride away was just what he needed to realize that he has hit his bottom. I sure hope so.
I know you are proud of him too - but mostly BE PROUD OF YOU! I am proud of you! Through out all of this - you have kept up on your side of things... your responsibilities and that is to be applauded!
BIG love ~ peace xoxox
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Originally Posted by kj3880
Callie, are you saying that you are going to NA and AA meetings? Is that because there are no alanon or naranon there? Just wondering.
KJ
KJ
AH said he'd go to a meeting for himself and asked if I wanted to come (he likes AA better than NA?? Likes the format better?) . Not sure if that's a good idea to go with him. He said he'd tell his story though. (He knows I'll be cowering under a chair with embarassment at what he's done.
) Thoughts, as I'm a newbie to this? I don't want to get sucked in @ all, but I'd like to go if it would help me in anyway.Also I know there's naranon and alanon - is there a difference or does it matter? I'd like to find meetings for myself to go to, but everything is later @ night and it's hard to find babysitters as my kids are usually in bed by 8-9. I'm in BFE so there really isn't much around. Everything is 45 minutes away or so (which is fine - I'd die if I knew someone. I KNOW I shouldn't be that way, but I am and am trying to be honest about it.) Bottom line is I will get to one. You all have pounded it into my head since my registration. It's high time I do it. I've wanted to, but just felt so ashamed initially, but it's become my reality and is another thing that I have to face and do for myself.
I'd also found a Celebrate Recovery meeting that Mrs. Magoo goes too that's an hour away. Any thoughts on that?
AH saw my parents for the first time in a while. My mom hasn't spoken to him in depth or willingly for about 10 months now. They took my kids to their swim team lessons and AH and I picked them up. You could tell they were glad to see him and him then.
I can see how things would be pink cloudy right now for us - not so much the full effect, but it is nice to catch small glimpses of what was. In reality we've both been honest about our fears, statistics, proceeding with leg. sep or D. I KNOW this is something that I must do. I will, we're dipping our toes into that discussion before he leaves.
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Callie, Al-anon & Nar-anon are pretty much the same. I have gone to both. I have also gone to AA & NA, which I have found be be enlightening, just as the posts from SR's RAD's give me insight from the A's point of view. I only have gone to two with my AD, once for her friends anniversary (the friend wanted me to come) and two weeks ago when my AD wanted me to come & see her get her 90 day chip. I really haven't heard my daughter share, and don't believe I'd want to, just as I wouldn't want her to hear me share. (but that's just me)
Hugs,
Chris
(but that's just me)Hugs,
Chris
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I'm really glad to hear he wants to go to a meeting!! The 12 steps work and it sounds like he's beginning to wrap his mind around that.
I'm sorry you are ashamed. You might surprised and not know a sole - you may know 10 people who you had NO IDEA had the same issues. Addiction is more common that you think.
I'm sorry you are ashamed. You might surprised and not know a sole - you may know 10 people who you had NO IDEA had the same issues. Addiction is more common that you think.
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I suggest Naranon for you especially if you are embarrassed about your husbands' drug problem. You'll find women (and some men, but not as many) in the same boat at Naranon. I personally don't fit in at AA because I didn't drink. I think the more identification you can find in the meeting, the harder it is to deny you have a problem. So start with Naranon, if you want my opinion, where you will have the most in common.
Love,
KJ
Love,
KJ
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