lexusgirl

Hello all!! I've been gone for awhile. My son has been keeping me super busy, and not all of its good. We are dealing with so many issues with him after he came to live with me in July of last year. I got him into counseling in Oct. and its been very stressful dealing with a teen, plus the fact his A dad has instilled so much unhealthy behaviors in him. So he has resorted to extreme lying and sneaking out a lot.

The last 7 months have been consumed with soooo much stress and drama. Uggghhhh! But that comes with being a Mom and I'm thankful every day that he is back with me, and safe. He has not talked to his A dad since he left there in July.

This leads to why I came back here. It has been exactly one year that xabf and I have been apart. I have not seen him since August, have talked to him once or twice since then. But today I'm feeling sad and missing him sooo much. I thought grieving got better with time? It seems the first 9 months I was disgusted by his behavior and getting on with my life. But now I have sort of forgotten about it and I truly miss him. I'm not sure if its an empty void I'm trying to fill with someone familiar that I once loved?

I texted my xabf last night as I could not get him out of my head, and he just said why are you texting me, and really had nothing to say. I don't understand how he could just forget that we once shared a long term relationship and we loved each other. Now he treats me like a stranger and could care less. I know I cannot control his actions or words towards me, but part of me still loves him and misses him so very much.

I feel very rejected and hurt by him and his lack of emotions towards me. But then again I have to remind myself I'm dealing not with xabf, but rather his disease, none the less it hurts so much. This maybe totally unhealthy to say, but part of me wants him to chase after me, and try to make it up to me and tell me how sorry he is. I feel like I got so cheated by the way he treated me. And I did not want to leave him because I loved him so much, but I had no choice, as I didn't want to live my life with an active A.

I was always told grieving gets better with time, yet I feel like its the opposite for me....?

Barbara52

Ah, the joys of teenagers! I hope you continue to work things out. I'm sure there are extra challenges but you both will get thru it.

As for your xABF, sounds like he has moved on and doesn't want to hear from you. A reasonable position. Just because you have an urge to contact him doesn't mean he has the corresponsding urge to talk to you.

I am sorry you are still having difficulties in letting go.

TakingCharge999

I am right there with you lexusgirl. Feel the same way, same story.
I hope you keep on working in your own recovery.

If we love them we need to let them go. Love is wanting others to be happy. Love is not need.

Tough one, I know. Remember its all between addiction and its victim. No human can defeat that. Its too great, and destructive. I am glad we are no longer supporting their addictions.

Right now I am listening to an ambulance. Whenever I do at night I get afraid its him. He used to drive drunk so many times. Anyhow - I am not his mom.

They are in HP's hands now. ((lexusgirl))

lexusgirl

Thank you Dreamer for your kind reply! I'm glad I'm not alone, because lately I've been feeling so alone. I really need to hear what you had to say in your post, it just reminded me all the more why I need to continue to leave him alone. Thanks for the input and kind post!

Shivaya

Hi Lexusgirl,

Glad to hear you have your son. Glad that he has you to guide him, and get him on the "right" path, so that he has a better chance in life.

How about, next time you are missing xabf, write a note, email, text, whichever...but don't actually send it. Please don't set yourself up for more pain.

How about, forgiving yourself for taking his cr*p, and forgiving him for his "behaviors/addiction", let go, and move on.

I am sure there are many people, activities, that you could focus on. How about thinking of people that you know and love and will treat you with respect, and keeping them in your head. How about out with the bad, in with the good.

I know we've all heard this on this board...acknowledge your feelings, express your feelings, and then move on. Please don't stay stuck.

Hugs,

Shivaya

AbsentFriend

I remember the last time you posted - I thought you were so much younger than someone who has a teenager! I guess you're just young at heart

I'm so glad that your life is your own. And I'm sorry that you are still feeling such a loss. You are grieving, for a life you thought you were going to have, and everyone grieves differently. Don't be hard on yourself for feeling the way you do - just focus on engaging with people and activities that fill you up rather than wear you down.

Glad you're back

lexusgirl

Shivaya---I'm glad to see you posting! I have always wondered about what was going on with you. Hope you're doing better!!

AF--lol! Well thanks! Yes I'm young at heart! I think I need to be in order to keep my sanity!

I'm still not understanding why all of a sudden I'm missing him.? Part of me has gotten to the point that I have forgiven him. But in forgiving him, I feel the need to want to see him. I haven't felt this way since we broke up a year ago. But, I keep telling myself nothing changes if nothing changes, and he is still drinking, probably even more now it sounds like. So, what would be the point in trying to talk to him? I think I just miss the old him I used to know when he was sober, and like you said AF, a life I thought I would have with him.

hopeangel

it's so good to hear from you. glad your back. missed you

what i see here is growing pains hon. really! - all of which are actually healthy. it means your letting go of the anger and resentment which are not good for anyone to hold on to. yes, you may have needed that for a while as a coping mechanism, but now it seems you don't need that anymore and can let go of it and are ready to...ready...MOVE ON! the next step. you might be fighting it a little bit and be somewhat resistant to it, but it does mean change is coming.

for me, with some losses such as my miscarriage, you never get over it, BUT you do move on.

also, maybe the contact you had with him, his lack of interest and the fact that he is still drinking can confirm and reaffirm to you that you made the right decision and it is not what you want in your life and that also can help you move on. like sometimes we just need a little reminder maybe?

sounds like you are really trying with your son and doing the very best you can. i'm sure him having you in his life is the very best therapy for him.

i wish you all the very best. you deserve it!!!!!!!!

splendra

Hey there ((((((lexusgirl))))))

It sounds like you may be stuck in the bargaining stage of grief. You may think you can make some kind of deal to make it work again.

TakingCharge999

"How about thinking of people that you know and love and will treat you with respect, and keeping them in your head. "

This works wonders!!
I am now in my 5th round of grief and now in shock for everything. Although I feel more like an idiot for not realizing he is an alcoholic. Oh well. We are human hon and mourning is different for each person. Just feel your feelings and release them in non-harmful ways. We are together in this journey we did all we can - we held their hands. Sorry I keep repeating this in other threads, lol, but it struck me for its simplicity.

Because there was NOTHING we could have been or done different to cure an addiction. Nothing!

Resort to your HP. I usually give him all my messes. The angel I got as an image is St Michael, expert on rising above difficult situations. Talk to him or HP! It helps me a lot when my feelings overwhelm me...ask them to give you clarity, hope, strength, quietness of mind, tranquility, wisdom, or all of them !! (I need all of them LOL). Ask and it shall be given...

Hugs!!

SugarLily

Hi Lexus

Wow what a coincidence. I too haven't been around here in a long while. It just occurred to me sat at my desk today that it is approaching the time I finally parted with my xabf. It was mid April. The last time I saw him also was August.

I guess I just wanted to step in and say hi. I'm actually doing a lot better. My life has never been so stress and worry free since leaving my ex.

You've done so well, it sounds like you are slipping into remembering the good times and forgetting the bad. You've come so far - do you really wish to be back where you were a year ago? I remember you were posting the same time as me, I felt I could relate to what you were going through - the sadness when packing your belongings.... please keep walking forward - stand tall and enjoy the life ahead of you!!


Be strong - be happy - summer is on its way! x x

hopeangel

"do you really wish to be back where you were a year ago? "

play the tape all the way through hon

Lilyflower

It is around the one year anniversary of my split with the ex too and just like you I have felt that i missed him and still loved him etc. I was chatting about it with Denny and she said something wonderful to me, she said,

''I had to rethink what it meant to have thoughts about someone. It did NOT have to mean I was still in love with him. That is such a prevalent line of thought in society - well, you must still love him if you feel that way. But what "way" do I feel? Do I feel in love, or do I feel something else - inadequacy, lonely, defeated, tired, lazy (lol)?

Maybe try looking at this way - when you think of him, think of you and him as a duo (not yourself as a singleton), do you really want to be back with HIM or do you want to be part of a couple, part of team facing the world together? Once I allow myself to think that way, I know I'm not missing him, or loving him - I'm feeling doubt about myself - my ability to attract a healthy partner, to be a healthy partner myself.

Uncomfortable for me, today, does not mean going back to the old way - though I'm often tempted to just resign myself to whatever - it means I'm growing and, in all likelihood, am feeling a little anxious and fearful of change.''

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

lexusgirl

Thank you everyone!! Such great input and has given me so much to think about! You all are right. Some very strong points made, that hit home with me!:ghug2:ghug2:ghug2

You know, I think its because I'm alone and miss being with someone as a couple and miss the closeness and intimacy. But, I'm not ready to start dating at all. I wish I was, but I have too many issues I need to straightening out with myself first, along with being there for my son. A guy in my life right now would be too stressful. But its hard when you miss having that special love and companionship with a guy.

I know I could never ever take him back the way he is today. If he were to get help and work a recovery program somewhere down the line I would think about it. Its a slim chance he will get into recovery, and at this point I don't care what he does with his life. I guess I just miss what could have been.

gns

Hi Lexus girl, I am glad you are doing well. Maybe you don't mis HIM but a "special someone" or a need he represents??? I "miss" going on vacation with me ex, but really I miss having someone to travel with - it really isn't about HIM at all - even though I plug his name into that hole.

Spiritual Seeker

Loss is not easy no matter the circumstance.
I bet on some level w/o the drama life seems flat.
It is hard to get use to not being " IN LOVE"

Sounds like you have a history of addicted partners. Have you considered therapy
to get your picker fixed?
Sounds like your son could use some positive energy and attention...since you only have a short time left til he is all grown up and gone.

You have lots of areas for your focus to be redirected rather than obsessing.

Welcome back.

lexusgirl

Yep still in counseling and learning sooo much! Another reason why I've decided to take a break from dating, my son keeps me very busy and he is a handful!