TigerLili

Hi,

I have been sober 4 mths and had a nervous breakdown in January and have been seeing a psychiatrist since then to deal with anxiety and possible bi-polar disorder.

I am back at work and finding that trying to manage the logistics of getting to meetings during the week just too hard and incredibly stressful. I am constantly feeling sick over it and have a terrible headache by midday. I just don't know what to do.

The psych prescribed an antipsychotic that has a side effect of causing me to sleep around 10 hours a day, so I get to sleep about 9, get up at 6, go to work by 8, get home around 7. There simply aren't enough hours in the day to get to a meeting in the evenings and still do the other things in life that need to be done, plus I need to exercise every day for other medical conditions.

I go to a meeting most lunch times but can't get this idea out of my head that I need to go to a meeting in the evening, because the lunch time meeting doesn't allow me time to talk to people afterwards etc. It's making me crazy. I feel like i'm going to have another breakdown over it because I just can't see the solution. then I go to a meeting and hear people say that if you are having a hard time it's because you aren't working the programme properly or you haven't got god. I have chest pain just thinking about it. I have no idea what to do. I do the programme to the best of my ability and knowledge. I believe in a HP and pray. I go to meetings. I talk to people. Then people say that those things aren't enough, that I should be putting the Principles into my life, that I should be doing this, that and the other. I am so confused and so highly anxious I can hardly tie my own shoe laces, let alone do all these things I am supposed to do to stay sober. I am so confused.

Theresa

TigerLili, I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time right now. I'm not sure that I have any really good advice on how to make the meetings, but something you wrote hid a chord with me:"Then people say that those things aren't enough."

I hear this refrain myself, over and over and over, each day. I work with some really negative people, and I let myself get pulled into this way of thinking. Also, this was a refrain I heard a lot when I was growing up. It makes me want to work, work, work,--and I do so in an unproductive manner, get miserable, and would drink to relax.

THis week was pretty bad that way for me. So I worked extra over the weekend, but let "go." I told myself, "enjoy this, or quit." So I did enjoy it. Didn't get all that I wanted done, but I did enjoy it, and for today, I am happy.

ChangeIsHard

Hello TigerLily,

First of all, i think it's important that you don't forget that your breakdown is still very fresh. It only occured very recently, so it's no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed by being back at work so soon. Is it possible to scale down your days?

This statement stands out to me. I am starting to learn in my social anxiety meetings that 'should statements' can be very damaging. When you create, or internalize other people's "shoulds" it causes unneccesary pressure. It doesn't help to compare yourself to others, or their opinions. You said yourself that you are doing the program to the best of your ability and knowledge - that's amazing. congratulate yourself, and more forward the way you know how. This is your journey. I find it helps at the end of the day to go through the day and congratulate yourself on the small things that you did well. I keep a journal of them.


P.S. Also, in terms of midday headaches - also used to get those partly due to anxiety and have found that drinking green tea during the day and in the evening has helped me immensely. I know this sounds like a trivial suggestion - but it's worth a try.

TigerLili

Thanks Theresa and ChangeIsHard. It's been a rough few days. I'm really struggling on a number of levels.

Oh wow that's exactly what it feels like. I was sharing about that at a meeting tonight - those people who say that if you're struggling, you're not working the programme right/hard enough etc. It really doesn't help.

I will try out the green tea :-)

GailJ

I agree 100% with the unnessecary outside pressures, having been through the same more times than I would like to admitt. I would like to add family members can be just as critical and judgemental so I would avoid that as well (even if they have the best intentions). You need to be patient with yourself and know that it takes tim to adjust to meds. You are recovering, you need to take care of yourself first, even if that mean time off work If possible.
Take care, and don't give up. We are here at all times.

ChangeIsHard

TigerLily - that's good that you shared that at your meeting. I'm sure others were feeling those pressures too. I mean, is recovery supposed to be EASY? that doesn't make sense to me! Good luck, and be kind to yourself - i once heard that a good idea is to treat your own self with as much patience and kindness as you would treat your own child. makes sense to me!

GailJ - I totally agree about the family member thing. I've come to a point where I will tell my parents the basics but not get into discussion about my anxiety with them because they want to pretend it's not there. But constantly negating my feelings - they invalidate me and my opinions and it makes me feel worse. I find though, that my brother is better to talk to. My friends certainly help - but messages boards like these or support groups are amazing!

TigerLili

Thanks Gail.

Yeah, family is hard. My family don't know about my alcoholism and certainly don't know I got to AA. They don't understand the ongoing anxiety issue although my parents were helpful when I was admitted to hospital in Jan and started seeing a shrink. There is no point me discussing things with them or telling them what's really going on because they don't get it and invalidate it. I just feel so crazy in the head all the time, boiling over with self hatred and shame and just hating everything about my life and myself. It's horrible.