jehnifer

Everytime I come here to this site to post it is because my husband's struggles with life in sobriety are challenging my own sense of well being. I dont know what to do...I pray and am hopeful that he can find his way out by asking for help, by taking action to help himself, and to help him work through the emptiness he's feeling. But I dont have the solution for him. Kind gentle suggestions that he seek are met with eye rolls. Hes got 7 years, but not doing recovery work.

I personally am making healthy progress in taking care of myself...gotten involved in a couple of thing outside of the home, and am generally happy! Except for when I see him and how miserable he seems, then its like I am deflated. And it feels like the more I work on maintaining my own serenity and happiness it makes him feel worse...resentful? I dont know. In God's time he'll find it I suppose, but a big part of me wants to get out of the way...I mean waaaaay out of the way, like live somewhere else to maybe make him hit a bottom or something...and to also protect myself from feeling so horrible and partly repsonsible for his unhappiness. I put such a burden on myself, and feel guilty for feeling good.

Can anyone identify? Anyone with thoughts on what you think is best for me to do?

hanks for lreading this...I feel much better just having put it all out there. PS going to alanon mtg tomorrow which will help me also!

Cynay

I know that feeling .... but rest asured that you are not even partly responsible for his unhappiness... you are however totally responsible for your own. Also you cant "make" him hit his bottom.... that is something he has to do all by himself. I do congradulate him on the 7 years... but I once dated a man with 20 years sober and no program... yea... he was what I would have called unhappy and a dry drunk.

Sounds to me like your doing just what you need to do. Keep the focus on yourself, if necessary up the number of meetings and keep a strong support group around you. I wish your marriage all the very best .... I mean that, because I hate to see marriages end or struggle... but here is something I thought I might though out there....

Its hard for a couple to stay together if one is growing and the other is not... or is growing in a seperate direction. Perhaps you two could benefit from counceling or maybe CoDA meetings?? When you know the gap is getting wider .... well that is the time to use other means to work on the relationship.

Wishing you all the best.

totfit

Sounds like life struggles period and have nothing to do with sobriety. The whole dry drunk no recovery noise is irrelevant. Could be depressed could be just miserable. Sounds like he needs a "life" and needs to get out and start working on his happiness, but "alcohol" is totally beside the point.

ICant

Congratulations on your recovery work and feeling happiness. And on his 7 years of not drinking. His happiness is not your responsibility in the same way your happiness is not his responsibility. To share: I'm 4 months into Al-Anon. My husband has got about 2 months of sobriety. He goes to AA and is changing very s-l-o-w-l-y. I feel like shaking him sometimes when he talks about how he isn't as bad as the others in the meeting. He is judging them and when I feel angry at him, I'm judging him. I keep doing this. Looking over my shoulder at his recovery. It always sends me into a tailspin. My justification is that I need to know how he is going because I need to know if the marriage is worth saving. But if I focus on getting well myself then I think the answer on whether I leave or stay will become obvious. We are both changing every day. It's hard. I remember the nutty drama filled days when I would say to myself "If only he wasn't drinking, things would be so easy". Well it's happened and life is not easy.

member31986

We all can relate to you here. I try to live by that "Serenity Prayer" every day but I also found a plaque that now hangs in my kitchen "Worry Ends" where Faith begins...that too is something I TRY to live by...God Bless You.

MissFixit

Jehnifer,

I know that feeling. I wanted to "make him see the light." I tried every possible approach to "dealing" with "his" issues that greatly impacted me. Ultimately nothing worked and when I made the "line in the sand," he found someone else who would put up with it.

I am learning that we cannot make anyone do what we want them to do. They have to make choices for themselves. Ultimately, they will anyway it is just a matter of time. If they want to drink, or not seek recovery, or be mean or act however they wish, that is what they will do. There might be "short term" fixes that will last for weeks to years, but until your husband chooses to "help/change/recover" himself, there is little if anything you can do to persuade him.

If you decide to leave, then do it for you, not for him. You cannot predict how he will react. You must be making that choice for yourself. With this said, please think about what you want for you life. Are you willing to accept his behavior as it is now for the next 30-40-50+ years? You cannot control his choices, but you can control your own.

Take Care.

Miss