Paralyzed by Wrong Choices and Bad Decisions ...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 46
Paralyzed by Wrong Choices and Bad Decisions ...
Thanks to all who so kindly and directly gave me advice on 'How Would YOU Do This?'
I finally understand why I've been asking this question in so many different ways since I've come here, and yet am still asking.
I am paralyzed from making decisions anymore. I know what I want to do. I know what I need to do. I've gone over every scenario a thousand times in my head. I'm stuck in inertia.
I am where I am today because every decision I made had more and more dire consequences. Each one was worse and more costly than the last. Eventually, I became so trapped that I'm afraid that I won't make the RIGHT decision, anymore.
1. Ignored the red flag that he was a raging alcoholic
2. Moved to the country with him
3. Moved back into the city with him
4. Tried to sell the house but couldn't
5. Moved him out to an apartment
6. Moved him back in
7. Moved him out again
8. Moved him back in
9. Moved him out again
10. Moved him back in ...
I MADE ALL OF THESE DECISIONS ON MY OWN. He just went along for the ride and continued to do what he always does. Work - watch TV - drink. As long as he didn't 'lose' me - he didn't stress. All I ever do is stress.
That is why I'm so stuck and I keep getting stucker. I'm afraid to make any decision now, so I'm to the point where NOT making a decision is how I make decisions.
I finally understand why I've been asking this question in so many different ways since I've come here, and yet am still asking.
I am paralyzed from making decisions anymore. I know what I want to do. I know what I need to do. I've gone over every scenario a thousand times in my head. I'm stuck in inertia.
I am where I am today because every decision I made had more and more dire consequences. Each one was worse and more costly than the last. Eventually, I became so trapped that I'm afraid that I won't make the RIGHT decision, anymore.
1. Ignored the red flag that he was a raging alcoholic
2. Moved to the country with him
3. Moved back into the city with him
4. Tried to sell the house but couldn't
5. Moved him out to an apartment
6. Moved him back in
7. Moved him out again
8. Moved him back in
9. Moved him out again
10. Moved him back in ...
I MADE ALL OF THESE DECISIONS ON MY OWN. He just went along for the ride and continued to do what he always does. Work - watch TV - drink. As long as he didn't 'lose' me - he didn't stress. All I ever do is stress.
That is why I'm so stuck and I keep getting stucker. I'm afraid to make any decision now, so I'm to the point where NOT making a decision is how I make decisions.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
ummmm
what have you done lately to take care of YOU....I mean doing something totally for you without thought of him actions or reprcussions later?
take care of you if you want him out do what you have to to keep him out, dont be wishy washy about it....as for your "inability" it is only you that is making you unable when in reality I think you are quite able.......take it one step find out your legal position and go from there!!!
Love
Pamm
what have you done lately to take care of YOU....I mean doing something totally for you without thought of him actions or reprcussions later?
take care of you if you want him out do what you have to to keep him out, dont be wishy washy about it....as for your "inability" it is only you that is making you unable when in reality I think you are quite able.......take it one step find out your legal position and go from there!!!
Love
Pamm
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
I stress about making decisions all the time -- the right ones, the wrong ones -- with my kids, with my career, with my relationship. I'm so scared that it will be wrong and there will be consequences I cannot, somehow, deal with. In my childhood, my parents always made the decisions for me. There were few I made for myself. So nobody taught me that making decisions is an important skill to learn. But I have come to realize, this is part of what life is about. You make a decision, it's wrong, there's consequences, you live, learn and grow from that. You make a decision, it's right, there's consequences, you live, learn and grow from that. It's just part of the journey. Once I convinced myself of that, it made it easier. It's ok to make a wrong decision. And it's great when I get it right.
For my situation at the moment, my AH really was the one to make the decision. I asked him to either seek help or leave. He chose to leave. It is turning out to be the right decision for everyone. I don't know that I would have made it myself (I think I would have eventually). So for that, I'm thankful.
I think, when it is a large, life changing decision, you have to really examine what it is you want. Do you want the life you have now, knowing nothing changes if nothing changes. Or do you want more from your life.
I'm kind of a "quote junkie" and I love the following, they helped me during the following few months..................
"Would I rather go through a TEMPORARY period of intense pain while letting go of this unhealthy relationship. or a LIFETIME of heartache by staying."
"You need to give up the life you have in order to have the life that's waiting for you....."
Be gentle with yourself -- they are tough decisions. They don't ALL have to be made RIGHT NOW. Once I realized that, it was easier -- there wasn't as much pressure.
I would obsess all the time about what he was thinking, doing, what today would bring -- would it be good or bad. Now I get to make ALL the decisions about my life. Scary sometimes but mostly empowering. I can do it, you can too. Do something for YOU today without the cloud of the disease or around him or what he decides or chooses to do.
take care
For my situation at the moment, my AH really was the one to make the decision. I asked him to either seek help or leave. He chose to leave. It is turning out to be the right decision for everyone. I don't know that I would have made it myself (I think I would have eventually). So for that, I'm thankful.
I think, when it is a large, life changing decision, you have to really examine what it is you want. Do you want the life you have now, knowing nothing changes if nothing changes. Or do you want more from your life.
I'm kind of a "quote junkie" and I love the following, they helped me during the following few months..................
"Would I rather go through a TEMPORARY period of intense pain while letting go of this unhealthy relationship. or a LIFETIME of heartache by staying."
"You need to give up the life you have in order to have the life that's waiting for you....."
Be gentle with yourself -- they are tough decisions. They don't ALL have to be made RIGHT NOW. Once I realized that, it was easier -- there wasn't as much pressure.
I would obsess all the time about what he was thinking, doing, what today would bring -- would it be good or bad. Now I get to make ALL the decisions about my life. Scary sometimes but mostly empowering. I can do it, you can too. Do something for YOU today without the cloud of the disease or around him or what he decides or chooses to do.
take care
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I, too, have a case of paralysis by analysis. I examine a problem to within an inch of my own life only to end up never trusting my decision and always thinking I made the wrong one no matter how things turn out.
I am trying the approach now of stopping the demand upon myself for an answer to the big questions.
Should I stay or should I go?
Do I want a relationship with this person anymore?
Have I done everything I can to help him rather than enable him?
Instead I am focusing on the smaller decisions that have an immediate impact on me.
What do I need to get done today?
Am I tired, hungry, sad, etc? What do I need to do to change that?
Do I feel safe or insecure at the moment or is something making me uncomfortable? If yes, where will I go or what should I do to be safe? Another room, out of the house, call a friend etc.
This may seem silly, but it has helped me to focus on me and address what I need as a person to get through the day. It also gives me the satisfaction of noticing my needs, make a decision to fill my own need, and getting an instant result. It's like learning to ride a bike with training wheels. Decision making that considers your best interest takes practice when you haven't done it in a long time.
Do you know I have actually been so upset about something that has hurt my feelings that I have not eaten for days because of it. I even wondered why I was so tired and why I didn't feel well. Yeah, that's right, it didn't even occur to me that I was starving myself because of something someone else did or said.
As for the bigger questions I am finding that my best answers are coming to me when I work harder on the basics. When I'm taken care of, safe, and feeling secure in what I need to do right now for me, the answers to the big questions seem so obvious and seem to be made for me. Possibly a higher power at work? I'd like to hope so.
I wish you well.
Alice
I am trying the approach now of stopping the demand upon myself for an answer to the big questions.
Should I stay or should I go?
Do I want a relationship with this person anymore?
Have I done everything I can to help him rather than enable him?
Instead I am focusing on the smaller decisions that have an immediate impact on me.
What do I need to get done today?
Am I tired, hungry, sad, etc? What do I need to do to change that?
Do I feel safe or insecure at the moment or is something making me uncomfortable? If yes, where will I go or what should I do to be safe? Another room, out of the house, call a friend etc.
This may seem silly, but it has helped me to focus on me and address what I need as a person to get through the day. It also gives me the satisfaction of noticing my needs, make a decision to fill my own need, and getting an instant result. It's like learning to ride a bike with training wheels. Decision making that considers your best interest takes practice when you haven't done it in a long time.
Do you know I have actually been so upset about something that has hurt my feelings that I have not eaten for days because of it. I even wondered why I was so tired and why I didn't feel well. Yeah, that's right, it didn't even occur to me that I was starving myself because of something someone else did or said.
As for the bigger questions I am finding that my best answers are coming to me when I work harder on the basics. When I'm taken care of, safe, and feeling secure in what I need to do right now for me, the answers to the big questions seem so obvious and seem to be made for me. Possibly a higher power at work? I'd like to hope so.
I wish you well.
Alice
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by dazednconfuzed 
That is why I'm so stuck and I keep getting stucker. I'm afraid to make any decision now, so I'm to the point where NOT making a decision is how I make decisions.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I understand, dazed.
I have to break out of paralysis by taking one small, ridiculously insignificant step in the right direction.
That gives me a little bit of pride, which translates into a little bit more energy.
And then, maybe a week later, I can take another.
This is how we regain faith in ourselves -- not huge things, but very small things, stacked on top of each other for weeks or months or years.
What small thing could you do today? Leaving the rest totally alone - let it be for now. What tiny change could you make that would make YOU proud of YOU?
I have to break out of paralysis by taking one small, ridiculously insignificant step in the right direction.
That gives me a little bit of pride, which translates into a little bit more energy.
And then, maybe a week later, I can take another.
This is how we regain faith in ourselves -- not huge things, but very small things, stacked on top of each other for weeks or months or years.
What small thing could you do today? Leaving the rest totally alone - let it be for now. What tiny change could you make that would make YOU proud of YOU?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I had to take small steps, too. If I thought too much about all of it, I would feel completely overwhelmed and defeated. The more small steps I took, the more empowered I felt.
I don't think I could have done it alone, though. If it weren't for a very wise and helpful therapist, I might still be stuck.
L
I don't think I could have done it alone, though. If it weren't for a very wise and helpful therapist, I might still be stuck.
L
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Paralysis always helps the addicted stay addicted. You have to make steps, little ones, that help you.
I get paralyzed too. It is an old habit. It kept me quiet and out of the way of my alcoholic parents. One thing that helps is to get 'me' out of the question. Instead of asking what would I do, the question becomes, what would I tell a friend, or any human, to do if they were in my situation.
I hope this helps. I really hate that paralyzed feeling and it is not good for your peace of mind or sanity.
I get paralyzed too. It is an old habit. It kept me quiet and out of the way of my alcoholic parents. One thing that helps is to get 'me' out of the question. Instead of asking what would I do, the question becomes, what would I tell a friend, or any human, to do if they were in my situation.
I hope this helps. I really hate that paralyzed feeling and it is not good for your peace of mind or sanity.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((((dazednconfuzed)))))
Oh how well I know this feeling. Try to apply this one if you can:
If it is good for you it is good for the relationship. But most of all be gentle with yourself cause we know that the addiction is not going to be kind or consider you at all.
Oh how well I know this feeling. Try to apply this one if you can:
If it is good for you it is good for the relationship. But most of all be gentle with yourself cause we know that the addiction is not going to be kind or consider you at all.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
OK you think you have made bad decisions in the past. Welcome to my world. I too have made bad decisions in the past. I will make more in the future I'm sure since Lord knows we all do from time to time. I also made some damned good ones and I willing to bet you have also. Perhaps make yourself a list of all the good decisions you have made and let yourself see that not all your decisions have been bad decisions?
Let's pretend for a moment you have made nothing but bad decisions in your life (something I really, really don't believe but let's pretend anyway). You cannot change the past of course. So, what can you do to build a track record of good decisions that will allow you to start believing in yourself again? Think small to begin with. Make sure you recognize all the successes and good decisions. And appreciate them.
Let's pretend for a moment you have made nothing but bad decisions in your life (something I really, really don't believe but let's pretend anyway). You cannot change the past of course. So, what can you do to build a track record of good decisions that will allow you to start believing in yourself again? Think small to begin with. Make sure you recognize all the successes and good decisions. And appreciate them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by Barbara52
Let's pretend for a moment you have made nothing but bad decisions in your life (something I really, really don't believe but let's pretend anyway).
Yes - I used to make a lot of good decisions. I didn't even realize how many I made. Every day. Most importantly I took care of myself and made decisions to look good, take pride in my appearance, and make healthy choices. Now - I feel that it doesn't matter how I look (guess living with an A who tells you you're beautiful - not because he's really looking at you and seeing your true beauty both inside and out but because he's so drunk he can't even see you and he's so drunk he'd tell that to anyone else too - and has). Why bother to even shower when you live in 'sh*t' all the time anyway. Why bother to eat healthy, when the ONLY thing that makes you feel good is your relationship with sweet junky foods? Why bother to take care of the outside, when the inside is just rotting anyway?
The decision to make NO decisions - to do ANYTHING - is what is systematically destroying me. One step at a time sounds like it's possible. I'm going to try to make one good decision a day.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
I too was there. I still would be now if I would let my mind go there. Its also the fear of the unknown. This A is your world...your life for so long what would life be like without it? Sometimes I felt as if I was addicted to the drama of the A because it had become "me" and all I knew.
If your A has been in and out numerous times and hasn't changed a thing yet chances are he won't. Why not give yourself a goal of another month or two longer than you have been before letting him back? See if you like your life without him and his chaos.
If your A has been in and out numerous times and hasn't changed a thing yet chances are he won't. Why not give yourself a goal of another month or two longer than you have been before letting him back? See if you like your life without him and his chaos.
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