justaboutus

Because I always need you guys to shine some light on my life…

I’ve been asked several times if I want my marriage to work out. My response has always been “Yes, but only if AH does a 180” (changing everything). The “Yes, but…” bothers me. Am I in denial?

GiveLove

Yes you are, but.......we all have to really FEEL that inside before we can move on. There will come a time when you'll know whether he's willing and able to become a completely different person for you, and how long you want to wait before finding a happier life. Until then, other peoples' opinions are of limited value.

Until then, take good care of yourself. I know this is really hard.

MissFixit

IMHO, I said the exact same thing about gettting married to him. If he maintains sobriety, then I will marry him.

I didn't fully understand the reality that he wasn't getting better just by saying that he was and was working a program. I never looked at his actions above his words. Words won out each time.

Think about what you WANT and what you are willing to accept. How long will you wait for him? A month? A year? Ten years? Forever? What if he doesn't change? Are you okay with the way he is today?

Barbara52

Anytime I answer "yes or "no" followed by "but" it means either the opposite or just "I don't know." If a "but" has to be be tacked on the end of my answer, that answer isn't true.

MissFixit

Anvil,

I love your dog pics!

justaboutus

You're right. He's not who I want to spend my life with. Can he become that person? Perhaps, but I don't think so. I don't think he'd be happy being the person I want him to be either. I guess it's time for us to have another "talk"... I hate those "talks".

LaTeeDa

And the purpose of the "talk" would be what?

L

Pelican

Talk, talk, talk.

I keep catching myself with a reason to talk to AH while we are separated. I want him to hear about how I feel, still.
I want him to hear about what I need, still. I want him to care about these things/situations/people, still.

Why? He may listen politely, then respond as a sarcastic a**, still.
He may ask what I want him to do, then tell me why he can't, still.
Then I will remember why we are separated and I don't want to talk to him anymore. Talking to an alcoholic leaves me frustrated. I think I'll skip that step.

So for today, I take a breath, and ask myself "Why do I feel like I need to involve him in my life?" and "What will happen if I don't call him?" It turns out, that I make okay decisions on my own and save myself lots of frustration by skipping the "need" to talk to my AH.