milenafk2009

Recently began relationship with a man (one month ago) who told me he was an alcoholic, but was in recovery and had fallen off the wagon...but going back. He had almost two weeks sober, then fell off again, lied about it at first, then told me, big mess followed (5 day binge). I have been reading here trying to understand and find any way to be supportive.

He got very bad the past few days and I was feared he might actually hurt himself. Spent 36 hours with him while he began to sobered up. I wonder if this was a bad thing to do?? I was just so worried he might actually hurt himself! He now says will get back to AA today and has found the "desperation"...I do hope it is true.

Not sure if I can go on with this or ever do this again with him, it was very scary. I already care about him a great deal, but, have read he should not even have a relationship the first year of recovery. I wonder if I should end things until he has more sober time or if this will just give him new cause to drink?? I also fear this happening again and want to tell him I will not accept it...Any advice would be very welcomed. Thank you.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I hope your friend seeks help and stays sober.

I am glad you are seeking help for yourself. You cannot cause another person to drink - nor can you cause another person to not drink.

Establishing boundaries for yourself is a good idea.

shaun00

hi and thankyou for that post.

I dont blame you for not accepting this situation.

The responsibility for his drinking is his and only his.

This is what i suggest......and it is a suggestion.........

Give him sr web address......AA..help line number.......any other support group number.....

And the rest is up to him.........time to have stiff boundaries.

Tell him he will find friendship and support here..

HE needs to talk with other alcoholics..........

i have no relationship advice for you......but i feel for you........trucker

yeahgr8

I agree with trucker and you should go back to being friends and not be sucked into this way of life at all. Do yourself a real favour and some real boundries for yourself or if you can't walk away.

Maybe go to the family and friends section to see where this could potentially lead and to get some advice for yourself:-)

I am best friends with my exgf, she is lovely, i am 4 and a half months sober we have talked about getting back together in a good way. But after 1 year. If i could go back to the start with her i would have walked away and just been friends and saved her a whole load of crap in her life that she did not deserve.

milenafk2009

Thank you for the responses. He says he is going to AA and has to work at his recovery and focus on himself...he has said little to nothing about "us" or about what happened the past week and is now becoming very distant. I am already feeling a bit resentful after the chaos of the last weeks because he seems to not even acknowledge what he did?? Think I am simply going to focus on me now, wish him all the best in his recovery, and try to move on...

least

I agree - set some boundaries for yourself. And if he seems distant, maybe he is wondering if he should be in a relationship right now while he's so new (again) in recovery.

Whatever you do, take good care of yourself. If it's meant to be, it will be.

mle-sober

Yes. Knowing what I know now, if I were in your shoes, I would RUN, not walk, for the nearest exit.

Wolfchild

When i experience problems in a relationship, i do my best to only identify MY part in it. i had to learn this the hard way! The more emotionaly involved i become in any problem, the more i start looking for a way to fix my feelings instead of staying focused on finding a solution. Since you are fairly fresh in this relationship, you should be able to step back a little easier. While you may be dissapointed by what he has done, don't beat yourself up with the "What If's?". i continue to find that the lessons i learn are not the lessons i think i need to learn. God often allows me to make mistakes, even painful ones, to strengthen my dependence on him and to help me understand his will for my life. i hope that if you let go you will grow. But even if you don't, God still cares for you very much and truly wants the best for you. Thank you for sharing what you are experiencing and don't give up on yourself!

sct

Give him a year in recovery and see if he's still someone you want to be involved with. ;}

flutter

If he was as drunk as I used to get, it's likely he doesn't even remember the majority of it, and what he does remember is probably causing him a lot of shame, guilt.. etc.

I would share this story in the Friends and Family section, I have a feeling they'll tell you to run like the wind. Read their stories, read ours.. take care of you.

milenafk2009

Flutter, thank you. I stayed with him for two days while he sobered up after his recent bender and went through withdrawal...he claimed at that time to remember "everything" but I don't believe he really does. I know he is very ashamed and is likely now in a depression. I did post in friends and family and they did tell me to run, run, run!! Now I hope I will be strong enough to do just that and not listen to whatever grand promises he makes! Right now I am leaving town for four days to focus on myself and am not taking his calls.

Rusty Zipper

mil, this guy can talk about what he's doing all he wants...

its by his actions that make the grade...

for now, i would say...

Run for the Hills!

one month, out of a lifetime is a gnat on the planet!

good wishes mil

milenafk2009

Thanks.

Running far and fast is exactly what I am doing. I have ended things.
Thank you for the support and advice, reading the posts here and in F&F thread made me see that I cannot save him but I can protect myself. That is what I have chosen to do.

yeahgr8

Good for you!