new to board, current issues
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: wi
Posts: 5
new to board, current issues
I'm new here.
Here's my story:
I married RAH, and we moved to where he was stationed in the military. I knew he had a bad childhood with an alcoholic/drug using mother, but I didn't know he was an alcoholic too, because we never lived together before marriage and I didn't drink much, so he didn't drink much around me either. Of course, after living together, I saw he was an alcoholic too. After one horrible night this past November, he decided to join AA and start going to church. While we were at that station, he was going to two to three meetings a week, and had a great sponsor. We got new orders and moved to our current location. He goes to meetings once a week if I ask or twice if I nag, he has yet to find a sponsor, and has been talking about how he is struggling with his sobriety. I told him that sobriety is a struggle, he can't expect it to be easy, especially when he is shiking going to AA. I also reminded him that the reason I agreed to stay in the marriage was because he agreed to go to AA.
On top of his own sobriety, he has a lot of things from his past resurfacing. After a weekend long of fighting because so many of his ACOA behaviors are damaging to our marriage, he decided he will finally get counseling for his childhood and go to ACOA meetings.
I am struggling with all of this, because he has over the past two years he repeatedly messes up, I get mad, he fixes it with promises to seek help, and then loses steam for it. I am having a hard time trusting that he will follow through with this, as well as keep going to AA.
I feel stuck too. Because of the move, I am out of work again and can't find a job in this new area with the bad economy. I am 100% dependent on him financially, and it makes me feel helpless. I am having issues with wanting to make sure he attends his meetings, because he slacks off when I don't, but I resent him and myself for mothering him.
He has also told me he is scared of having kids (we were trying before this, obviously we are not now) because he fears he will resent them for having a better childhood than he did. I told him I will support him through counseling to help with this fear, but that I can not agree to a childless life. He has a history of lying to me or withholding facts, and again, I feel like when he told me before that he wanted kids, it was another lie.
What do I do?
Here's my story:
I married RAH, and we moved to where he was stationed in the military. I knew he had a bad childhood with an alcoholic/drug using mother, but I didn't know he was an alcoholic too, because we never lived together before marriage and I didn't drink much, so he didn't drink much around me either. Of course, after living together, I saw he was an alcoholic too. After one horrible night this past November, he decided to join AA and start going to church. While we were at that station, he was going to two to three meetings a week, and had a great sponsor. We got new orders and moved to our current location. He goes to meetings once a week if I ask or twice if I nag, he has yet to find a sponsor, and has been talking about how he is struggling with his sobriety. I told him that sobriety is a struggle, he can't expect it to be easy, especially when he is shiking going to AA. I also reminded him that the reason I agreed to stay in the marriage was because he agreed to go to AA.
On top of his own sobriety, he has a lot of things from his past resurfacing. After a weekend long of fighting because so many of his ACOA behaviors are damaging to our marriage, he decided he will finally get counseling for his childhood and go to ACOA meetings.
I am struggling with all of this, because he has over the past two years he repeatedly messes up, I get mad, he fixes it with promises to seek help, and then loses steam for it. I am having a hard time trusting that he will follow through with this, as well as keep going to AA.
I feel stuck too. Because of the move, I am out of work again and can't find a job in this new area with the bad economy. I am 100% dependent on him financially, and it makes me feel helpless. I am having issues with wanting to make sure he attends his meetings, because he slacks off when I don't, but I resent him and myself for mothering him.
He has also told me he is scared of having kids (we were trying before this, obviously we are not now) because he fears he will resent them for having a better childhood than he did. I told him I will support him through counseling to help with this fear, but that I can not agree to a childless life. He has a history of lying to me or withholding facts, and again, I feel like when he told me before that he wanted kids, it was another lie.
What do I do?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 10
I'm also new here. I can tell you that my AH was sober before our children came. Then, gave me an ultimatum, either I get pregnant because he wanted kids, or he divorces me. So, I got pregnant. He started drinking again when I was pregnant with the first child, and has drank ever since. Since having both of our children, the drinking has gotten worse, the anger has gotten worse, and I now notice our 5yr old and 2yr old acting like their dad does when he throws his little temper tantrums. I love my children with all of my heart and would go through all of that all over again to get them. However, I didn't know before hand what kind of emotional issues this was going to cause for my children. Glad you have put the children issue on hold for a while.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Hi bebo.. and welcome..
You can't force him to seek help, AA or otherwise. Trust me issuing ultimatums or pleading to their better nature doesn't work. It might look like it in the short term but it doesn't last. It has to come from him.
The only thing you do have any control over is you and how you react to his behaviours. I feel for you because you are probably torn between sticking by your husband or cutting your losses.
Have you got any help and support (Al-Anon/support group/counselling) for you?
You can't force him to seek help, AA or otherwise. Trust me issuing ultimatums or pleading to their better nature doesn't work. It might look like it in the short term but it doesn't last. It has to come from him.
The only thing you do have any control over is you and how you react to his behaviours. I feel for you because you are probably torn between sticking by your husband or cutting your losses.
Have you got any help and support (Al-Anon/support group/counselling) for you?
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
He goes to meetings once a week if I ask or twice if I nag
Do you do anything for you? How do you take care of you? I used to beg, plead, cry, bargain, threaten to leave, threaten to kick him out, clean up messes, stand beside him, try to act the way he wanted to make him happy and not drink, spent hours trying to find information to "get him to stop", etc etc etc. None of it worked in the long run. He has to want to make these changes.
My husband got his fourth dui a few years ago. I asked him to leave. He almost lost his job (he is an electrician and had been with the company for 15 years at the time). They agreed that if he went to rehab, they would save his job. His sentence for the dui was reduced because of rehab. He eventually wiggled his way back into our home because he "went to rehab and was working a program". That lasted a couple of weeks after he was out. He never thought he needed to be in rehab -- he did it because it is what we all "required him to do". The only way he can truly embrace his recovery is on his own. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I don't know about you, but I got tired of nagging and watching his every move.
He has also told me he is scared of having kids (we were trying before this, obviously we are not now) because he fears he will resent them for having a better childhood than he did. I told him I will support him through counseling to help with this fear, but that I can not agree to a childless life. He has a history of lying to me or withholding facts, and again, I feel like when he told me before that he wanted kids, it was another lie.
I truly truly understand the need and the desire to have children -- my daughters are the absolute best thing that have ever happened to me. But I think that both partners in a couple have to have to have that same "need and desire" to be good parents. I would be very careful, especially since he said that he may resent them because of the "better life" he can give them. You do not want to have children with someone who will resent them. That is a recipe for disaster for your marriage, yourself and your children. Hopefully if he is in counselling, he will be able to work through this. In the meantime, can you put that on hold for a little while? You also said that you are having a tough time finding work and are 100% financially dependent on him -- try adding a couple kids into that mix -- then it can be really difficult to leave, if that's what you have to do.
I would set some for myself to measure his progress (six month from now, if he is not working a program, I will begin to take measures to leave). I found I kept upping that time (after six months, I would give him another six months and so on). So now, twenty years later..............
I'm happy you found this site -- keep coming here, read the stickies at the top -- they're very helpful.
Alanon is free and you can find a meeting in your area on the internet -- just google!
take care of you
Laurie
Do you do anything for you? How do you take care of you? I used to beg, plead, cry, bargain, threaten to leave, threaten to kick him out, clean up messes, stand beside him, try to act the way he wanted to make him happy and not drink, spent hours trying to find information to "get him to stop", etc etc etc. None of it worked in the long run. He has to want to make these changes.
My husband got his fourth dui a few years ago. I asked him to leave. He almost lost his job (he is an electrician and had been with the company for 15 years at the time). They agreed that if he went to rehab, they would save his job. His sentence for the dui was reduced because of rehab. He eventually wiggled his way back into our home because he "went to rehab and was working a program". That lasted a couple of weeks after he was out. He never thought he needed to be in rehab -- he did it because it is what we all "required him to do". The only way he can truly embrace his recovery is on his own. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I don't know about you, but I got tired of nagging and watching his every move.
He has also told me he is scared of having kids (we were trying before this, obviously we are not now) because he fears he will resent them for having a better childhood than he did. I told him I will support him through counseling to help with this fear, but that I can not agree to a childless life. He has a history of lying to me or withholding facts, and again, I feel like when he told me before that he wanted kids, it was another lie.
I truly truly understand the need and the desire to have children -- my daughters are the absolute best thing that have ever happened to me. But I think that both partners in a couple have to have to have that same "need and desire" to be good parents. I would be very careful, especially since he said that he may resent them because of the "better life" he can give them. You do not want to have children with someone who will resent them. That is a recipe for disaster for your marriage, yourself and your children. Hopefully if he is in counselling, he will be able to work through this. In the meantime, can you put that on hold for a little while? You also said that you are having a tough time finding work and are 100% financially dependent on him -- try adding a couple kids into that mix -- then it can be really difficult to leave, if that's what you have to do.
I would set some for myself to measure his progress (six month from now, if he is not working a program, I will begin to take measures to leave). I found I kept upping that time (after six months, I would give him another six months and so on). So now, twenty years later..............
I'm happy you found this site -- keep coming here, read the stickies at the top -- they're very helpful.
Alanon is free and you can find a meeting in your area on the internet -- just google!
take care of you
Laurie
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