sillysquirrel

So, I spoke to my MIL today. First time in several weeks. She asked how things were going so I told her. I mentioned the binge AH went on a few weeks ago where he told me a story of where he was going to be for the weekend and I heard the real story at my little kiddo's early childhood class. A friend saw him passed out in his truck in the bar parking lot. Anyway, she was appalled that someone would tell me that. Why would someone go out of their way to tell me something that will obviously hurt me? She was angry with this mother(tattletale) rather than the actions of her son. Now, in defense of the tattletale, she just mentioned she saw my AH, not any details. I began asking questions and then she spilled her guts, so, NO, she was not intentionally being hurtful, just truthful.

Anyway, the point is why is she so focused on the source of my information rather than the obvious problem that AH has? AH also gets angry at my so-called "friends" because he thinks they shouldn't stick their noses in our business. I know who my friends are, thank you, and I know they are only concerned for me and want me to be aware of my AH's actions. They do not understand this situation I am in and wonder how I have put up with it all of these years. I compare it to the frog in water on a stove story in the stickies.

AH's brother has a bigger problem than AH, if that is possible. I just think the mom's concerns are misplaced, to say the least. Now, she is supportive of me but at the end of the day she is still AH's mother. It just annoys the hell out of me how AH can pull all of this s**t, and the fingers are being pointed at my friends and acquaintances for causing the problems.

Ohhh, what a day!!!

LaTeeDa

I can relate to all you are feeling. I can also tell you that I had to stop trying to reform the rest of the world in order to right myself. Oh, if everyone would just be the way I thought they should be......ah, how great life would be. Because, after all, I know what's right and they are just messed up!

It was all a very convenient way to distract myself from looking inside, facing the pain, and making the tough choices that had to be made.

L

prodigal

Because she has a free will and right to believe, or not believe, what she wishes. And she is obviously exercising that right. My AH's family figures he is not their problem, and they admit he's a drunk, but choose to ignore him and go about their own affairs.

Their lives. Their choices. I let them know one time how bad AH had gotten because I believed he was close to death. I didn't want to just call them up and say, "Hi, just wanted to let you know your brother/son has died."

Anyway ... they listened, showed some concern, then life went back to business-as-usual.

And I went back to my side of the street. It may be "wrong" that people ignore the obvious, but we ultimately have no control over anyone else's level of denial.

sillysquirrel

Wow, just posting here really makes me aware of some of the issues that I have. Why do I even care what she thinks? I think I just get so frustrated because I am so sick of being the one to care for AH and make sure that he is ok that I just keep waiting for someone else to pick up the slack. I know that I need to walk away from this and let him fend for himself but it is hard to do. I feel that if I walk away from him knowing full well the problems he has without warning someone, it may be his downfall. And I am so tired of AH and MIL blaming my friends/tattletales for our problems.

Anyway, thank you for pointing out the obvious to me. I am not going to concern myself with my MIL's misdirected anger. I am trying to focus on making myself better and am struggling today, as you can see. AH has caused a stir in me today and I am ashamed of myself for letting him..

timetogo

I know with my AH's family, they want me, as his wife, to "take care of it". They say he is an Ahole and that I should have left years ago, they don't understand why I stay. They don't live with him.

When he went to rehab and we separated 4 years ago, he was all of a sudden "their problem". They were in chaos. His mother felt I needed to know he was "in rough shape" and "all he does is cry". They were living what I had for years. When he "manipulated his way back into the house", they all all of a sudden disappeared. He was, again, my problem to deal with.

I think people who are removed from the every day rollercoaster of the alcoholic ride have no idea what it is like (that's why this place is sooooo great). They don't know what to do or how to fix it. They don't know what we know, "we didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it".

Often when my friends (or even my daughters) told me things, I didn't want to know. I defended him and didn't want to believe what they were telling me. But I know that they tell me out of concern, as you said above. I know they want me to "see the light". They don't do it to hurt me. On the contrary, they tell me because they love me.

As I said in another post, be careful. In the end, her loyalties will lie with her son. Tell her what I always tell people, "you'll have to ask him about that".

thinking of you SS!

ItsmeAlice

Is it human nature to outright reject or dismiss something we don't understand?

I do it, and both my parents are the same way.

I had to keep asking myself if ABF is an alcoholic. I had to seek out the answers rather than accept it outright.

Have patience with your MIL. If you're going to defend a knock against anyone regardless of the circumstances, it would be your children, right? Can you blame her then for a bit of denial?

Peace

Alice

LaTeeDa

This is a grown man we're talking about, right? You're sick of taking care of a grown man? So was I, but still I kept doing it. And you know what? The longer I treated him like a child, the longer he behaved like one.

One time in a therapy session he got all puffed up and told me he was not going to quit drinking for me or anyone because no one was going to tell him what to do. I looked him in the eye and said "You're a grown-up, you can do whatever you want, and so can I." The look on his face that day was priceless!

Just another lesson on the road to getting healthier. Nothing to be ashamed of. Shame is one of the major unhealthy things that kept me riding the roller coaster for 18 years.

L

inahaze

My AH's mother is quite similiar. She's said to me that she doesn't know how I stay and deal with him. When I flat out asked her if she thought he had a drinking problem(I got tired of her dancing around the issue so I put it on the table) she got VERY quiet. She said she didn't want to get into that and wasn't really sure. Come on, we're all given a brain and I didn't even put the word alcoholic into the conversation.

From what I've seen families are notorious for dismissing addictions, manipulations and a@#hole behavior once the a@#hole has moved on. They all know what a jerk he can be, he's manipulated, tormented and created chaos in his entire families lives. It's much easier to say "Gosh I just didn't know or I just am not quite certain if there's a drinking problem there, I'd rather not say."

Welcome to the Denial family...and you thought you had it bad for marrying them.

prodigal

She does not have to live with him and deal with hin on a daily basis; you do. So why ask her whether or not he has a drinking problem? What does that solve?

I think she asked you a relevant uestion, to which you apparently did not respond.

How, and WHY do you saty and deal with him? She can dance around the issue all she wants, as can you. The issue, in your case, appears to be why are you dancing too?

inahaze

I don't talk to his family to often and everytime I saw her she'd repeat the same things. She'd never out and out say he had a drinking problem, let alone be an alcoholic.

I've stayed in the past because I always thought this time things would be different and for awhile it would be. I always thought if I gave him more time, one more chance or just loved him enough it would be okay. I always thought if I give a little more, accept his drinking or look past his snide comments things would be okay.

They never have been. Behaviors he's exhibited I wouldn't of accepted from anyone else. My own friends have never talked or acted the way he has, nor would they ever. If my child came home telling me stories of how their friend's dad acted in front of them, my child would NEVER go back to that house again.

Point blank I'm fed up with it and have/am making arrangements to make my departure. My problem has always been that I fell in love with one person, after we got married I got something totally different. Right when I would get to the point of not standing it any more I'd leave or threaten and out would come that great guy I dated. Wahlah he'd reel me back in again. I'm not falling for that ridiculous BS.

jaguarpcb

Or it may be his bottom.

:ghug3

brundle

Hi Silly,

I usually find that families just add to the mess that is already happening in an alcoholic home. In my family I'm crazy because I don't want to shut up and continue being the perfect little long suffering wife. They are actually mean to me because of it and say thing like "poor so and so (that's my husband) he deserves better then you wanting to leave him!"

Then his family actually invites him over to drink, do pot and look at porn! Sick sick sick!!! Of course I'm sick because I've have yet to leave, even though I want to. I think one of the best things about recovery was the ability to say "sucks to be you" and mean it. I would never do that before. Like not calling work when he's "sick" or ever picking him up at a bar. If he falls asleep in the car (other then one time) he stays there. He's not a baby and I'm not taking care of him like one.

Now with all that free time I've started taking photography classes at our local college. He doesn't always seem really happy about it, but he gives me the money for it, so oh well. It's nice to focus on something other then my rotting husband who has been rotting our life!

Good luck girl...Your in my prayers...Oh and by the way I do smack lots of family members around in my head...LOL... can't get in trouble for that!!!