I am so tired of living this way. PLEASE help!
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I am so tired of living this way. PLEASE help!
I have been taking lortab for about 7 years now. I normally take about 8-10, 10mg pills every other day. Only because that is all I can afford. I have to take 5 at a time just to get a buzz and the rest I take to maintain it. Every time I buy, I fear I will be arrested. Thank God, I have never been in trouble with the law….yet. Every time I use, I swear it will be my last time. The guilt, the lying, the trying to explain to my husband where the money has gone…I am SO tired of it. I am SO tired of this life, so tired of the seeking, so tired of this hold addiction has on my life, but I have never been able to make it past about two or three days without giving in.
It is hard to explain addiction to those who have never experienced it. The best way I can answer to the “Why don’t you just quit” question is….If you had the flu, your stomach sick, your body aching and lethargic, sluggish and sweaty, feeling beat down, would you take medicine to make you feel better? Most would answer yes. That is pretty much how I feel about it and the reason why I haven’t yet been able to kick the habit. I always swear I am gonna do it, but as soon as I start feeling like crap, I know all I have to do is make a phone call and everything will be alright. I haven’t figured out how to be stronger than that yet, but I want to SOOOO bad.
I have spent unmentionable amounts of money on these demons and the guilt is absolutely eating me alive. I want to stop. I have to stop, but I just haven’t been strong enough to overcome the cravings and I don’t know how. How? How do you get through it? How long does it last? I am not so much worried about the physical withdrawals as I am the mental cravings, as I experience some physical side effects almost every other to every third day when I attempt to quit. It is more the cravings that seem to break me. It has become a vicious never-ending cycle for the past 7-8 years of my life and I am tired of being held captive by it. I am hoping that maybe support from this forum and others who are or have been in my shoes will help. I currently have NO ONE to talk to, as I have kept my addiction a secret from everyone. Any advice on the withdrawal/craving process would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much in advance.
It is hard to explain addiction to those who have never experienced it. The best way I can answer to the “Why don’t you just quit” question is….If you had the flu, your stomach sick, your body aching and lethargic, sluggish and sweaty, feeling beat down, would you take medicine to make you feel better? Most would answer yes. That is pretty much how I feel about it and the reason why I haven’t yet been able to kick the habit. I always swear I am gonna do it, but as soon as I start feeling like crap, I know all I have to do is make a phone call and everything will be alright. I haven’t figured out how to be stronger than that yet, but I want to SOOOO bad.
I have spent unmentionable amounts of money on these demons and the guilt is absolutely eating me alive. I want to stop. I have to stop, but I just haven’t been strong enough to overcome the cravings and I don’t know how. How? How do you get through it? How long does it last? I am not so much worried about the physical withdrawals as I am the mental cravings, as I experience some physical side effects almost every other to every third day when I attempt to quit. It is more the cravings that seem to break me. It has become a vicious never-ending cycle for the past 7-8 years of my life and I am tired of being held captive by it. I am hoping that maybe support from this forum and others who are or have been in my shoes will help. I currently have NO ONE to talk to, as I have kept my addiction a secret from everyone. Any advice on the withdrawal/craving process would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much in advance.
To infinity.....AND BEYOND!
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 132
one thing that always helped me when I was in withdrawal was to eat lots of food, drink lots of water, and take tylenol/ibuprofen whenever I would get aches. I ate boxes upon boxes of chocolate covered granola bars when I was in withdrawal and it seemed to help a lot. I wish I knew some way to help with the cravings you get but the truth is, that was the area that always led to my relapse or prevent my getting clean in the past. Finally I broke down and went to an addiction doctor and got on the suboxone. That seemed to help everything, the withdrawal, and the mental or emotional cravings. Without that little orange pill I would probably still be popping all kinds of pills.
I would encourage you to get medical help detoxing. After being on drugs for that long, it may have taken a good toll on your body and I would definitely get checked out if it were me.
Hang in there, it only gets better with time after that 3-day mark. When I got clean from oxycodone & hydrocodone cold turkey it was always absolute HELL until I got past that 3-4 day mark. After that it would get a little bit better every day after. I do remember my first time cold turkeying it and I felt withdrawals clear into 4 weeks. Every person is different though and again, after that first few days it was better every day physically and mentally. Hang in there.
I would encourage you to get medical help detoxing. After being on drugs for that long, it may have taken a good toll on your body and I would definitely get checked out if it were me.
Hang in there, it only gets better with time after that 3-day mark. When I got clean from oxycodone & hydrocodone cold turkey it was always absolute HELL until I got past that 3-4 day mark. After that it would get a little bit better every day after. I do remember my first time cold turkeying it and I felt withdrawals clear into 4 weeks. Every person is different though and again, after that first few days it was better every day physically and mentally. Hang in there.
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Thank you so much for your response. Man, I really hope I can get through this. I am talking a good game now, but I just got high yesterday. I got high Monday and swore it was the last time....made it till Wednesday and gave in. Not even two whole days. Wow. That is really sick. I have spent $120 in two days. In TWO DAYS!!! And I do this all the time. My God. I have to do this. I want to do this. God give me strength to do this.
To infinity.....AND BEYOND!
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 132
I was the same way, I know it's rough. Such is the life of an addict, and most of us have been there at one point or another. Have you heard about suboxone or are you familiar with that as a detox option?
Or have you looked into narcotics anonymous meetings?
Or have you looked into narcotics anonymous meetings?
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A friend of mine let me try a suboxone pill once. It didn't really make me feel any different, better, stop the cravings...etc, so I haven't really pursued it further and have never done anything else in regards to my attempt to quit, other than joining this forum. Is it true that the cravings really never go away? If so, I don't know how I am going to get through this, help or not.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CA Native
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Welcome to the boards. Most of us here have 'been there, done that'.
Take myself for example. My habit used to be 240-400mg of oxycodone/day, at $30 for each 80mg. EVERY day, for years on end. So, believe me, I know from where you're coming from. And as I say, most of here do.
I got clean (finally) basically by going ahead and losing damn near everything. I had to be pretty much forced into getting clean by facing a life on the streets. I did so by means of getting outta town and living alone in the mountains, where I was on subutex for 7 months, weaning down over that time period. I then stepped off the subs, under the watchful eye of my mother, at her house. By this time I was entirely dependent upon her ... no money of my own, no other place to go ... hell, she even had my car keys during my w/d period. It took a good 7 days before I was feeling better, and there were about 4 days total that were *really* rough.
After that, I attended NA and AA meetings very regularly for about the first year. Pretty much my entire family, and everyone who knows me, knows of my struggle.
I wouldn't have been able to do it on my own. Not very many people can, so don't beat yourself up about it.
What I'm getting at is this: it's probably getting to be about time to try another way.
One that involves something greater than just yourself and your willpower.
Take myself for example. My habit used to be 240-400mg of oxycodone/day, at $30 for each 80mg. EVERY day, for years on end. So, believe me, I know from where you're coming from. And as I say, most of here do.
I got clean (finally) basically by going ahead and losing damn near everything. I had to be pretty much forced into getting clean by facing a life on the streets. I did so by means of getting outta town and living alone in the mountains, where I was on subutex for 7 months, weaning down over that time period. I then stepped off the subs, under the watchful eye of my mother, at her house. By this time I was entirely dependent upon her ... no money of my own, no other place to go ... hell, she even had my car keys during my w/d period. It took a good 7 days before I was feeling better, and there were about 4 days total that were *really* rough.
After that, I attended NA and AA meetings very regularly for about the first year. Pretty much my entire family, and everyone who knows me, knows of my struggle.
I wouldn't have been able to do it on my own. Not very many people can, so don't beat yourself up about it.
What I'm getting at is this: it's probably getting to be about time to try another way.
One that involves something greater than just yourself and your willpower.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
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Originally Posted by justwant2bme 
Is it true that the cravings really never go away? If so, I don't know how I am going to get through this, help or not.
I couldn't do it alone. I found a sponsor in the rooms (NA/AA), took the steps, and committed myself to recovery. At first, it felt like having another full-time job, but over time, as I was able to apply those steps to all areas of my life, it's become a part of me. And as a result, I don't crave the high anymore.
So, if you're willing to accept help, it's out there. What are you willing to do to accept it?
Peace & Love,
Sugah
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Wow. Well, I am pretty much willing to do whatever it takes at this point. I just want my life back. I remember how funny and energetic I used to be. Now I feel like I can't do anything if I don't have the pills. It sure is a miserable existence and I don't want to accept it anymore. I am tired of tolerating. I want to live. I want to be happy. I have fooled myself for years noting that I have only been happy when I have been high, but it has all been a lie. I am not happy. I'm frickin' tired. Tired of not being able to get through a day like a normal person...the person I used to be. I am tired of being so dependent on these things. I know there has got to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to figure out how to get close enough to be able to see it and I haven't done that yet, but this time...I am determined. I am going to see it. Thanks to all for your comments.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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If you can try to taper yourself. I've never bought them illegally but I have had family members give them to me which I guess would be illegal too. You will get arrested sooner or later if you keep doing it like this. the bad thing about it too is everyone goes around town calling you a pill head. I've a had a few people call me that and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't deal with being made fun of very easy.
I'm an attractive person a lot of people want to be around me but i have no friends. I cant stand people. The things Ive been through make me not want to be near them.
I'm an attractive person a lot of people want to be around me but i have no friends. I cant stand people. The things Ive been through make me not want to be near them.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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If you can try to taper yourself. I've never bought them illegally but I have had family members give them to me which I guess would be illegal too. You will get arrested sooner or later if you keep doing it like this. the bad thing about it too is everyone goes around town calling you a pill head. I've a had a few people call me that and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't deal with being made fun of very easy.
I'm an attractive person a lot of people want to be around me but i have no friends. I cant stand people. The things Ive been through make me not want to be near them.
I'm an attractive person a lot of people want to be around me but i have no friends. I cant stand people. The things Ive been through make me not want to be near them.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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Suboxone is only going to work if you are willing to stop feeling high and just feel normal. It will make you feel better, unless you are different from almost everyone I know. But you have to stop using 12 hours before you take a sub. You have to be in withdrawal for it to work. And it will work really fast, like in 5 minutes. Also, you have to dissolve the pill in your mouth for about 20-30 minutes before you can swallow. Or it won't work at all.
KJ
KJ
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Justwanttobeme...
There are so many similarities in the stories of the addicts in this forum; however, some of our similarities make me wonder if your screen name should be: Ithinkiamyou and not Justwanttobeme.
I will be meeting with a Suboxone doctor tomorrow morning for an evaluation. Although it still is not my preferred method for getting off oxycodone, it appears to be the most reasonable course of action.
Like you, I average 100-110mg when I take the oxys. However, that is what I take every day. I have not been using for nearly as long as you. It has taken me less than three months to develop such a high (no pun intended) habit. Obviously, this rate is totally impractical to sustain.
I have attempted c/t but the anxiety destroys my will. I've tried to taper and that... well... it just never works. Perhaps the reason for it never working is the craving. I seldom hear anyone speak as though they crave as shamefully as I do (Whiskerkissed in one). I fear that that eventually my cravings will make me do almost anything to satifsy them, and maybe even anything. I need to quit and, like you, my addiction is a secret.
I need to be honest with you, fellow craver, trying to kick a secret addiction when you have incredibly strong cravings, is a little like trying to put out a raging forest fire by spitting on it -- and if you're talking about doing it c/t, I just want you to think about how dry opiates/opioids can make your mouth and just try spitting something out of that!
I'm not going to say that it can't be done. I would never say that. I would strongly suggest that if you can't find anyone to help you, post on these boards as much as possible to get other people "spitting on that fire with you." I know that I cannot do it c/t. My only real c/t option was to get out of state and to try it. However, it seems that it will be most practical to go the Suboxone route. I can't begin to express (but I think that you already know) how much I am looking forward to the promise of NO CRAVINGS.
As I said, I will be meeting with the doctor tomorrow. I've just recently started blogging and, hopefully, will keep that up to date. Please PM me anytime. I would have replied to your post much sooner; but, I was sick all morning... apparently enjoying yet another wonderful escalation in the amount of oxys that I need to keep from being sick.
I will keep you in my prayers.
There are so many similarities in the stories of the addicts in this forum; however, some of our similarities make me wonder if your screen name should be: Ithinkiamyou and not Justwanttobeme.
I will be meeting with a Suboxone doctor tomorrow morning for an evaluation. Although it still is not my preferred method for getting off oxycodone, it appears to be the most reasonable course of action.
Like you, I average 100-110mg when I take the oxys. However, that is what I take every day. I have not been using for nearly as long as you. It has taken me less than three months to develop such a high (no pun intended) habit. Obviously, this rate is totally impractical to sustain.
I have attempted c/t but the anxiety destroys my will. I've tried to taper and that... well... it just never works. Perhaps the reason for it never working is the craving. I seldom hear anyone speak as though they crave as shamefully as I do (Whiskerkissed in one). I fear that that eventually my cravings will make me do almost anything to satifsy them, and maybe even anything. I need to quit and, like you, my addiction is a secret.
I need to be honest with you, fellow craver, trying to kick a secret addiction when you have incredibly strong cravings, is a little like trying to put out a raging forest fire by spitting on it -- and if you're talking about doing it c/t, I just want you to think about how dry opiates/opioids can make your mouth and just try spitting something out of that!
I'm not going to say that it can't be done. I would never say that. I would strongly suggest that if you can't find anyone to help you, post on these boards as much as possible to get other people "spitting on that fire with you." I know that I cannot do it c/t. My only real c/t option was to get out of state and to try it. However, it seems that it will be most practical to go the Suboxone route. I can't begin to express (but I think that you already know) how much I am looking forward to the promise of NO CRAVINGS.
As I said, I will be meeting with the doctor tomorrow. I've just recently started blogging and, hopefully, will keep that up to date. Please PM me anytime. I would have replied to your post much sooner; but, I was sick all morning... apparently enjoying yet another wonderful escalation in the amount of oxys that I need to keep from being sick.
I will keep you in my prayers.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Midwest
Posts: 81
I would definetily think about Suboxone as an option. It has saved my ass plenty of times, not that that is a good thing; it is not a magic pill though, their is no way of getting around withdrawl Suboxone just makes it more tolerable.
I like what KJ said though. "Suboxone is only going to work if you are willing to stop feeling high and just feel normal."
I also like how you mentioned the law in your post. Many of us addicts don't realize how much we put ourselves at risk for just trying to get through the day. I have a friend who got caught with 30 perks, unprescribed, first time ever really getting in trouble. He is now serving a 5-7 year sentence for trafficking opium/heroin. A very harsh sentence if you ask me or probably anyone. Im sure if he would have had a paid attorney he would have done better, but thats not the point. The point is a lot of states in the U.S. are becoming worse and worse when it comes to opiates. Now their is really no difference when you get caught with perks or heroin.
I like what KJ said though. "Suboxone is only going to work if you are willing to stop feeling high and just feel normal."
I also like how you mentioned the law in your post. Many of us addicts don't realize how much we put ourselves at risk for just trying to get through the day. I have a friend who got caught with 30 perks, unprescribed, first time ever really getting in trouble. He is now serving a 5-7 year sentence for trafficking opium/heroin. A very harsh sentence if you ask me or probably anyone. Im sure if he would have had a paid attorney he would have done better, but thats not the point. The point is a lot of states in the U.S. are becoming worse and worse when it comes to opiates. Now their is really no difference when you get caught with perks or heroin.
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christin1225,
Thank you so much for your post. As morbid as it sounds, if almost feels good to know that someone else struggles as I do. Maybe better put, it makes me feel not so alone. I am on day one of my road to recovery, cold turkey, and I am already feeling the physical discomforts. My legs have started to cramp really bad within the last hour or so. Man, this whole thing is hell. My cravings are not so bad yet, but they will be tomorrow. I already know. I have been down this road so many times before. The only difference is I believe I am finally ready this time. I used to enjoy the high. Now, I get the pills just to make myself feel better, only to feel worse afterwards…groggy the next morning, headache, heartburn from smoking too many cigarettes (kicks in the buzz) and the GUILT. The guilt is what is really getting to me…and the money. The first couple of years into my addiction, the tabs would make me get up and move, gave me energy…etc. Now it seems, they only make me moody and smoke a lot of cigarettes. I also notice I tend to argue with my husband more easily when I am buzzed. Why? I don’t know (thought they were supposed to make you feel good)…but I do. I’ve just got to stop for so many reasons. I have children as well.
I watched my mother destroy herself and my family, with alcohol, my whole life and I never understood her addiction. “Just stop” I used to tell her. She died at the young age of 45 and she died because she couldn’t/wouldn’t stop. I now, unfortunately understand whole-heartedly what she was dealing with and I do not want to end up in the same predicament.
I know cold turkey is probably not the easiest/best way to go about this, but I do not really have an option at this point. This forum will be the only outside help I will get at this point, although as I stated at the beginning of this post, I already feel comfort in knowing that I am not going through this alone. Maybe knowing I have support this time will be the ticket to my success. It is hard to suffer through any pain, but it is even harder to suffer it alone. Thanks again for all of your posts. They, thus far, have truly been inspiring. I wish you all the same luck in your efforts and will keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you so much for your post. As morbid as it sounds, if almost feels good to know that someone else struggles as I do. Maybe better put, it makes me feel not so alone. I am on day one of my road to recovery, cold turkey, and I am already feeling the physical discomforts. My legs have started to cramp really bad within the last hour or so. Man, this whole thing is hell. My cravings are not so bad yet, but they will be tomorrow. I already know. I have been down this road so many times before. The only difference is I believe I am finally ready this time. I used to enjoy the high. Now, I get the pills just to make myself feel better, only to feel worse afterwards…groggy the next morning, headache, heartburn from smoking too many cigarettes (kicks in the buzz) and the GUILT. The guilt is what is really getting to me…and the money. The first couple of years into my addiction, the tabs would make me get up and move, gave me energy…etc. Now it seems, they only make me moody and smoke a lot of cigarettes. I also notice I tend to argue with my husband more easily when I am buzzed. Why? I don’t know (thought they were supposed to make you feel good)…but I do. I’ve just got to stop for so many reasons. I have children as well.
I watched my mother destroy herself and my family, with alcohol, my whole life and I never understood her addiction. “Just stop” I used to tell her. She died at the young age of 45 and she died because she couldn’t/wouldn’t stop. I now, unfortunately understand whole-heartedly what she was dealing with and I do not want to end up in the same predicament.
I know cold turkey is probably not the easiest/best way to go about this, but I do not really have an option at this point. This forum will be the only outside help I will get at this point, although as I stated at the beginning of this post, I already feel comfort in knowing that I am not going through this alone. Maybe knowing I have support this time will be the ticket to my success. It is hard to suffer through any pain, but it is even harder to suffer it alone. Thanks again for all of your posts. They, thus far, have truly been inspiring. I wish you all the same luck in your efforts and will keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers.
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Originally Posted by cracker15
I also like how you mentioned the law in your post. Many of us addicts don't realize how much we put ourselves at risk for just trying to get through the day.
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I know cold turkey is probably not the easiest/best way to go about this, but I do not really have an option at this point.
The "best way" is whatever way gets you off the pills. I wish you all the best and will keep looking in on you.
:praying
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