First Post -- I think I hit rock bottom
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2
First Post -- I think I hit rock bottom
Hello everyone,
I have been here before, and found a lot of your posts, comments and stories inspirational, but I have never posted until today.
I have a very addictive personality and have been drinking since I was about 13 or 14 (today is my b'day and I'm 27). I don't think I've gone a month (or weeks, for that matter) without binge drinking.
In college I did some ecstasy (which makes me severely depressed afterwards...I started taking antidepressants when I was a junior college, and they REALLY helped me).
My senior year I did cocaine once or twice, but no big deal.
In July 2005 (when I was 23), I moved to a country where cocaine is very very inexpensive. So, a lot of foreigners did / do lots of cocaine.
The first year I was here I didn't do it much, but I've been doing it pretty regularly (couple times a week) for the last year and months.
It has affected my work (I am unable to go the next day because I was up all last night, I've even done a little at work).
It has affected friendships, because often I cannot attend something because I'm high or coming down.
It has affected my dog (who I loved more than anything), who was hit by a car when he broke free while I was in my dealer's car. You think that was stop it...But, it didn't. I still cry for him.
My boyfriend is VERY against it, and I think he may know something is up, but doesn't really know what to do or what to say. I'm sick of hiding from him...It's pathetic.
So, rock bottom was this weekend.
I had about 1/2 a bottle of wine, called my dealer, went to the store to buy 2 more bottles and cigarettes while he was on his way. I bought 5 bags.
Did the first two that night by myself, and drank the rest of the bottle and another one. I can't go to sleep when I do it, so I drink to fall asleep (which I know is horrible, but it's like I'm trying to mess with myself, see how far I can go).
The next day, I do the next two, drink another bottle of wine. I ate nothing that day.
The next morning I said, "None today, it's Sunday, you have work tomorrow." Well, after a bottle of champagne, my mind changed, and I did the last one. I drank some rum later, to fall asleep, and finally ate some spaghetti.
I feel like **** and want so badly to seek support from my parents and boyfriend, but I don't want to worry them or upset them. I have friends that are supportive, and this forum...
It's embarrassing to admit how far it has gone, even to friends.
My nose is runny, and I always mess with it, which makes it red, etc.
I just want to forget about it and move on, and remember that it's not worth it.
I have been here before, and found a lot of your posts, comments and stories inspirational, but I have never posted until today.
I have a very addictive personality and have been drinking since I was about 13 or 14 (today is my b'day and I'm 27). I don't think I've gone a month (or weeks, for that matter) without binge drinking.
In college I did some ecstasy (which makes me severely depressed afterwards...I started taking antidepressants when I was a junior college, and they REALLY helped me).
My senior year I did cocaine once or twice, but no big deal.
In July 2005 (when I was 23), I moved to a country where cocaine is very very inexpensive. So, a lot of foreigners did / do lots of cocaine.
The first year I was here I didn't do it much, but I've been doing it pretty regularly (couple times a week) for the last year and months.
It has affected my work (I am unable to go the next day because I was up all last night, I've even done a little at work).
It has affected friendships, because often I cannot attend something because I'm high or coming down.
It has affected my dog (who I loved more than anything), who was hit by a car when he broke free while I was in my dealer's car. You think that was stop it...But, it didn't. I still cry for him.
My boyfriend is VERY against it, and I think he may know something is up, but doesn't really know what to do or what to say. I'm sick of hiding from him...It's pathetic.
So, rock bottom was this weekend.
I had about 1/2 a bottle of wine, called my dealer, went to the store to buy 2 more bottles and cigarettes while he was on his way. I bought 5 bags.
Did the first two that night by myself, and drank the rest of the bottle and another one. I can't go to sleep when I do it, so I drink to fall asleep (which I know is horrible, but it's like I'm trying to mess with myself, see how far I can go).
The next day, I do the next two, drink another bottle of wine. I ate nothing that day.
The next morning I said, "None today, it's Sunday, you have work tomorrow." Well, after a bottle of champagne, my mind changed, and I did the last one. I drank some rum later, to fall asleep, and finally ate some spaghetti.
I feel like **** and want so badly to seek support from my parents and boyfriend, but I don't want to worry them or upset them. I have friends that are supportive, and this forum...
It's embarrassing to admit how far it has gone, even to friends.
My nose is runny, and I always mess with it, which makes it red, etc.
I just want to forget about it and move on, and remember that it's not worth it.
Now with fewer opiates!
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Southern New Jersey, USA
Posts: 1,405
Welcome!
First things first: What are your options for medical help or detoxification?
All I can offer is the experience I see in the rooms of 12-step programs and my own life: recovery from chemical use is possible.
First things first: What are your options for medical help or detoxification?
All I can offer is the experience I see in the rooms of 12-step programs and my own life: recovery from chemical use is possible.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CA Native
Posts: 2,509
Welcome to SR.com, you've come to the right place 
Allow me to point out ... here's an opportunity to *actually* make this 'rock bottom' for you. Funny thing about rock bottom, though, is ... you can always keep digging. All you gotta do is keep using, and next thing you know, you find yourself at a new 'rock bottom'. This particular rock bottom you're talking about ... I can tell ya from experience ... it's very possible to end up diggin a whole lot deeper if you're not careful. It probably wouldn't take all much longer before that job you worry about going to on Monday ... ain't there anymore. And that b/f you're worried about talking to? Well, he won't be either.
Point being ... you only get one chance to truly make your last, worst experience your real rock bottom. You got two choices. Start climbing out now, or keep diggin. What's it gonna be?
Allow me to point out ... here's an opportunity to *actually* make this 'rock bottom' for you. Funny thing about rock bottom, though, is ... you can always keep digging. All you gotta do is keep using, and next thing you know, you find yourself at a new 'rock bottom'. This particular rock bottom you're talking about ... I can tell ya from experience ... it's very possible to end up diggin a whole lot deeper if you're not careful. It probably wouldn't take all much longer before that job you worry about going to on Monday ... ain't there anymore. And that b/f you're worried about talking to? Well, he won't be either.
Point being ... you only get one chance to truly make your last, worst experience your real rock bottom. You got two choices. Start climbing out now, or keep diggin. What's it gonna be?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by bvaljalo 
Point being ... you only get one chance to truly make your last, worst experience your real rock bottom. You got two choices. Start climbing out now, or keep diggin. What's it gonna be?
The silver lining of this whole mess is that I am not physically addicted, more psychologically. So, I really need to get my act together and just go cold turkey. Whenever I get the urge, or start thinking, I'll come here instead of doing something I'll regret later.
I always say to myself, I'll just do one or two lines. However, that's BULL! Some people can, others can't.
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